by J. L. Berg
“I need to know, before this goes any further. I can’t allow anyone else to get hurt because of us. So I need to know—are you still seeing Magnolia?”
My head dropped to her chest and I shook it back and forth.
“No,” I answered. “I tried. Believe me, I did.”
“It was the name, wasn’t it?” she joked, a slight rumble in her ribcage bringing my head up again. I smirked slightly.
“No, it was you. It was always you,” I said, remembering the night I’d gone to Magnolia’s after Everly left. Barely thirty minutes and two drinks in, I’d apologized and ended it. For good.
There was only one woman I wanted to be with.
“I don’t know why or how, but it’s only ever been you since the moment I woke up.”
She pulled me closer until our lips met and no other words were needed. My mouth moved with hers, devouring her sweet softness. Touching her tenderly, I wove my fingers into the coppery strands of her hair as our kiss deepened. Her hands seemed to be everywhere at once, as she gently caressed the corded muscles of my stomach, sliding her fingers up my chest as she gripped my shoulders and wrapped her knees around my waist.
A complete contrast from the night before: we didn’t rush a thing. Every move, every touch was carried out as if we had an entire lifetime to spend in this bed.
And if I had my way, we would. I never wanted to leave.
When the last of our clothing was shed, I took my time kissing her skin, teasing the tender peaks of her nipples with my tongue until she begged me to stop. I gladly complied, pulling the pink bud into my mouth and giving it a hard suck. Everly screamed out my name and I nearly came just from the sound alone.
My hands were shaking as I grabbed a condom from the nearby table.
No more games.
The next time she screamed out my name, it would be with me inside her.
Her eyes never left me as she watched me slowly unroll the condom over my shaft. Whatever feelings of guilt or remorse she may have been feeling earlier, she’d put them aside for now and was solely focused on me. Only me.
That look made me feel like I could take on the entire world.
It gave me a glimpse of the man I wanted to be.
I bent back down and felt shivers race up my spine at the feeling of our warm bodies rejoining. We were like two halves of puzzle interlocking seamlessly. She was my other half—I just needed to convince her of that. And every second she was here in my arms, I’d fight like hell to prove it to her.
Her gaze never left mine as I moved, and I felt the trust she gave with every powerful jolt of my hips. I felt humbled, honored and weighted by the enormous responsibility of it all. How my former self had neglected such a precious treasure, I’d never understand. But now that I had a second chance, I’d give everything to right my wrongs.
Even if I didn’t remember them.
“I know you’re scared,” I breathed, lavishing her neck with long, smoldering kisses. “But I can’t ignore how right this feels when we’re together.”
She answered by arching her back, as her fingers dug into mine, pulling me closer, deeper. Our lips met in a frenzy—tongues mating as our bodies crested over the edge of delirium. Sweat dripped from our skin as I worshiped her, bringing her to the peak of ecstasy. She writhed and moaned, wrapping her legs tightly around my waist. Running my hand down her leg, I pushed on her thigh, freeing it from its viselike grip around my waist, edging it closer to her chest.
“Oh God!” she cried as I deepened the angle of each thrust.
“Let go,” I said, kissing her lips once again until I felt her body tighten around me. “That’s it,” I whispered.
“August!” she screamed, wave after wave of release sweeping over her beautiful body. I couldn’t stop myself from claiming her lips again, needing to taste her as she came apart. Feeling my own climax was imminent, I never slowed the pace of our lovemaking, prolonging her orgasm in spades. She gripped my shoulders and moaned between kisses as I came.
I swear I saw fucking stars.
I’m sure my former self had had more sexual encounters that he could count, but for me—practically newborn, barely alive a few months, I could count them on one hand—the waitress and Everly.
Neither of those encounters had ever brought me to my knees like this. Collapsing next to her, I was sure I’d never move another muscle in my life.
She’d destroyed me.
I only hoped it was permanent, because I never wanted to go back.
* * *
“So is this what you do with your spare time then?” Everly asked as I set the sparsely filled tray down on the bed before her.
Laughing, I answered, “Well, besides photography, watching shitty movies, and taking you to bed, yeah I guess,” I answered with a shrug.
“It’s just…” She looked curiously at the different types of food. “So weird.”
I chuckled and nodded. “I know, but okay…hear me out.” She gave me a look that said she was just humoring me as I held out my hands in defense. “Just one minute.”
“Okay.” A slight grin tugged at the corner of her lip.
“You go to an ice cream shop and look at the various types of sundaes. Each have several different ingredients and based on that, you make your selection, right?” Biting her lip to keep from laughing, she nodded. I ignored her, shaking my head, and continued with my explanation.
“Over your life, you’ve tried everything on that menu—maybe individually or with something else, but you’ve made a conscious decision whether you like it. Me? I’m starting from scratch. Looking at a menu like that? I truly don’t have a clue if I like caramel or cherries or even whipped cream.”
“So, you’ve decided to do it this way?” she asked, motioning to the tray again.
“Okay, I know…it’s weird. But I’m a guy. We’re simple creatures. One thing at a time seemed like a good idea when I started and I just haven’t been able to graduate to anything else,” I admitted. I looked down at my pathetic excuse for a meal, which consisted of plain eggs, sliced cheese, and coffee.
“So,” she smirked, “when you discovered you liked eggs and cheese, you never had the idea to…I don’t know, combine them?”
“That requires cooking.”
“Oh my god,” she said, shaking her head. “You’re pathetic—like a toddler.”
“Yes. Yes I am. You came just in time to save me.”
Her hand paused midway as she reached for a piece of cheese. “What am I going to tell Ryan?” she asked, her face falling as the realization of own situation hit her. Laughing over eggs and cheese had suddenly become a serious matter as she came face to face with real life again.
“Why do you need to tell him anything? He left you,” I reminded her gently, grabbing a piece of cheese for myself.
“It’s not that simple,” she answered. “I’ll have to go back there. I have to find a place to live.”
“Live here,” I said, the words leaving my mouth as quickly as my heart leapt at the idea of having her forever.
Her eyes met mine, as fear and doubt seemed to swipe away her features.
“You’re even crazier than I thought,” she whispered, shaking her head in disbelief.
“Yes, I am. When I’m around you, I feel crazy, delirious, and for the first time since I woke up, I feel truly alive. What I feel for you doesn’t make any sense, Everly. None of this does, but if we’re going to do this—then let’s do it. If there’s anything I’ve learned about life in this little do-over I’ve been given, it’s that there’s no time for half-assing your way through things.”
Her eyes filled with worry as she busily bit down on her bottom lip, obviously contemplating my words.
Feverishly shaking her head back and forth, she said, “I can’t depend on someone. Not again. I can’t be that person.”
“But I don’t want you to be anywhere else.”
“So charge me,” she suggested. “Make me pay rent.”
> My eyes widened in shock. “Now you’re the one out of your mind! Why would I do that? I am the last person on earth who needs more money, Everly.”
“And I am the last person on earth who needs to be dependent on another man. Please, August. Let me do this. I should have never moved in with Ryan, and let him handle the majority of the rent. It gave him power—power he never used, but still it puts me at a disadvantage. I can’t ask him to leave and now I’m left without a home. I can’t jump from feeling powerless with one man to doing the same with another. Especially—”
I held up my hand to stop her. “I get it,” I said, taking her hand in mine. “I don’t like the idea of you giving me money, but I understand the need for it. Do what you need to do, as long as it ends with you here every day.”
“As long as you agree to me taking over the cooking again,” she smiled.
My heart skipped a beat just seeing her smile. It was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen. “Deal. But I have one caveat of my own.”
“Okay,” she said, her eyebrow peaking in interest as she picked at the mostly cold eggs. “I want a fresh start. No more comparing me to the man I was. I understand you can’t forget, and I don’t want that. I just want the opportunity for you to know me and who I am now. I want you to fall in love with the August that exists today.”
“I want that, too,” she whispered, pushing the tray away to crawl into my lap. “We’ll go out later,” she breathed into my ear.
“Good idea,” I agreed.
And we did.
Much, much later.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Everly
I needed clothes.
And a toothbrush and well…everything else that wasn’t currently lying in the bottom of my purse—so basically everything but a tube of Chapstick and a stick of gum.
I really wish in August’s effort to move on, he’d at least kept a few things of mine. A single shirt. A pair of pants, maybe? In my attempt to move on, I’d left everything from our life here, walking away with very little to call my own. In that moment, I’d never expected to miss any of it.
I’d been camped out here at August’s place for nearly two days, and even though I was enjoying lounging around in his t-shirts and sweats, carrying around the smell of him everywhere I went, I was starting to feel like a bum and desperately wanted some things of my own.
Like a razor.
And deodorant that didn’t smell like a dude.
Also, I had to work tomorrow. So wearing the rugged August apparel needed to come to an end quickly.
I had two options. I could deplete my savings account and go out and buy an entirely new wardrobe, shampoo, and every other thing a girl needed, or I could muster up the courage and go back to Ryan’s apartment and pack up my things.
The coward in me began adding up just how many things I could buy at the dollar store, but I knew I needed to face my fate.
I’d made this decision.
I’d done exactly what Ryan had predicted I’d do, and now I needed to own up to that.
He’d said he wanted me to give this life a chance, and so here I was, doing exactly what he’d asked. I only hoped he’d meant what he said.
God, I was the biggest asshole on the planet.
I don’t know how long I spent on the side of the road, looking up at our apartment building. Even though I’d gathered up the courage to come, I’d still chosen a time of day when I knew he most likely wouldn’t be home.
I told myself I was doing him a favor—saving him from the grief of having to see me.
But I knew that was a lie.
It was me I was saving. I didn’t want the pain of seeing him, because I knew as soon as I set my eyes on him, the wave of guilt and remorse I’d been keeping at bay for everything I’d done over the last two days would come rushing back.
And then where would I be?
Taking a deep breath, I stepped out of the car and walked briskly across the street, keeping my head low to avoid any possible run-ins with neighbors. All I needed was one unnecessary conversation about how wedding plans were going or where our honeymoon was going to be.
Just the thought had me nearly turning around with my tail between my legs. But I marched forward and made it inside without a nosy neighbor in sight. I took the stairs as an extra precaution. No one ever took the stairs. Except for the few health nuts who jogged early in the mornings, we were all slaves to the elevator, and after two floors of climbing…I knew exactly why. Walking up stairs was exhausting.
Also, I apparently needed to work out more.
Something to ponder for another day.
Successfully making it to the fourth floor, I walked down the hallway to our apartment and fished out my keys. With a shaky hand, I unlocked the door and nearly fell in due to my rubbery legs. The stairs combined with my nerves…bad combination.
Standing in the entryway, I listened carefully for any noise. Nothing.
I was alone.
Everything looked exactly the same. Our lives had completely combusted but this little apartment had stayed the same, like a little bubble.
A bubble I was about to pop.
I took a moment to walk around, running my fingers over the soft fuzzy blanket that hung over the back of the sofa. It reminded me of a teddy bear, so plush and velvety smooth. I’d loved snuggling under it on lazy mornings with a good book and an even better cup of a coffee. Ryan and I had made many memories under that blanket as well, I recalled, remembering the many nights we’d fallen asleep under it rather than making the trip to the bedroom.
It had been such an easy life to live. Ryan might think I’d been hard to win over, but it had been him who was hard to resist. After August, I’d sworn off love—sworn off men. They caused me harm and were too dangerous to trust. But then in had walked Ryan—the complete opposite of August. He was sweet, gentle, and patient, and soon I began to see a new path—one that was so easy to imagine. Loving Ryan had been simple and safe.
And perhaps that was the root of the problem.
Maybe love wasn’t supposed to be safe.
Maybe it was supposed to be crazy and full of risks.
Yet as I wandered through that apartment, with its little touches we’d done over the year we’d been there, part of me knew I would always still crave the simple and the safe. A part of me would always crave Ryan.
Knowing I’d wasted enough time, I began packing quickly, stuffing as many things as I could into the few suitcases I could claim as my own. I didn’t bother folding or organizing anything—everything was just thrown in and would be dealt with later. Running into the bathroom, I grabbed my toothbrush and shampoo from the shower.
The bottle was still wet.
How long ago had he been here?
Seeing the water drip down the sides of the shampoo bottle had me remembering the way he smelled. Like me—he always smelled like my strawberry shampoo because he was too scatterbrained to run out and get his own. I used to make jokes and ask what he’d done before I was around and he’d laugh and hold up a bar of soap.
Looking down at the bottle, I took a deep breath and placed it back in the shower.
I could get more.
Turning back around, I picked up a couple other things and stepped back into the bedroom, placing them in the suitcase before returning to the closet.
“I figured you’d be coming back soon.”
I swiveled around. Ryan was standing in the doorway looking down at me in the closet. His hair was messier than I’d ever seen and his eyes looked lost and tired.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I tried to come while you were at work.”
“I took the day off,” he admitted. “Been a little off my game.”
I stood facing him but had trouble looking him in the eye. The way he looked…the fact that he was missing work—all because of me.
“I hate this, Ryan,” I stated. “I wish we could go back to the way it was.”
“We always kn
ew this could happen, Ev. He would have woken up eventually. I was just the fool who thought I was enough to help you move past him. But you need to figure that out on your own.”
I took a step forward, tears rimming my eyes, but stopped myself. “Ryan, please don’t think that. This was never about you or him. It’s always been about me. There are so many issues—feelings I pushed aside when he went into that coma. A coma is not a way to end a relationship—no matter how turbulent it may be.”
“And now you need time. I understand.”
Silence settled between us before he continued, taking a hesitant step forward. “But let me make one thing clear. I may have stepped aside, but by no means am I bowing out. I’ll wait, Everly—for however long it takes for you to realize I’m the one.”
“Ryan—”
“No, let me finish. You may need time. Time to work out whatever unresolved feelings you have for him, but he’ll never be good enough for you—no matter how much he’s changed.”
“You don’t know that,” I countered.
“I do. He’s hurt you before. He’ll do it again.”
Shaking my head, I began zipping up bags and swinging them over my shoulder with force. “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, Ryan. You don’t know how truly sorry I am, but please don’t make this harder than it already is.”
I needed out.
“Still running, I see. Well, at least some things haven’t changed.”
He was right. I was still running, but at least this time I knew where I was going.
Stopping just shy of the door, I turned to face him. Wrapping my fingers around the slim gold ring that I’d thought would be there until the day I died, I pulled it off and placed it on the table.
“Good-bye, Ryan.”
His light brown eyes were the last thing I saw as I turned to walk out of the apartment we’d shared—the home we’d built together.
The simple life I’d left behind.
God, I hope I was making the right choice.
* * *
“So, this is called a pan…and this large square-looking thing is called a stove. You can cook more than just eggs on it.”
August eyed me suspiciously as I placed the pan on the stove and turned the knob to raise the heat.