by Marian Wells
“And there’s no way our fire will reach that far,” Alex muttered sadly. “From that position, we could send all our men in there with the same results.”
“You’re right; it’s foolhardy to continue this massacre,” snapped the man standing beside him.
Alex turned, saw the man’s insignia, and examined his face. He recognized General Hooker from the next regiment. A young lieutenant came forward, “General, here’s your reply from General Burnside.”
Hooker took the paper and glanced at it, then frowned. “I’m going in for a conference. He’s too far away to see what’s going on.”
It was nearly nightfall when the fresh assault began. Alex spotted Hooker and his men one moment before they shouted their battle charge and rushed toward the hill.
In disbelief Alex exclaimed, “They’re going in! Burnside’s sending them.” He watched the charge up the mountain.
The Confederate guns were silent, and for a moment it looked as if the men would gain the wall, but then the rifles blazed point-blank. One after another the men dropped.
As Alex watched his comrades storm the hill and fall back, one of the men in his regiment clapped him on the shoulder. “Rumor is, we’re next,” he whispered savagely. “Don’t look like Burnside’s giving up.”
“We’ll all be dead by morning,” Alex muttered despairingly. “Dear Lord, stop this madness!”
****
The next morning a cold December wind swept in from the north. Life moved with a blur of blood and torn bodies. Those who had carried muskets the day before now carried shovels. Moving among the silent ones, shivering under the howling wind and the sight of death, soldiers quickly searched their comrades’ pockets for identification before lifting the frozen bodies into the shallow graves.
One private fingered the scrap of paper he had found in a bloodied pocket. He stared into the mangled face of the dark-haired man. “Good thing he left some identification, or no one would recognize him. He’s from Pennsylvania—Martinsville. Name’s Alexander Duncan.”
Chapter 29
Amos came into the house carrying a newspaper. He held the paper while he looked at Olivia’s face, then slowly he put it on the table. “There’s a story about the battle of Fredericksburg.” He cleared his throat. “Must have discouraged the Yanks powerfully. It wasn’t a good battle.”
It was only the first of many newspapers describing the battle in cruel, graphic detail. Olivia had only one thought in her mind—Alex. Because of him, the words became pictures stamping themselves on her mind. She read, “Federal losses are thirteen thousand…. Slaughter…If McClellan is incompetent, what is General Burnside?”
For two weeks Olivia paced the floors of Sadie’s house. Sadie followed behind with imploring words and outstretched arms, saying “Thou art worrying when thee has no real reason. Take thy peace from the Lord, for the sake of the babe.”
Olivia faced Sadie. “It was the Army of the Potomac, Sadie. How could he possibly have escaped?”
“According to the newspapers,” Amos said, “thirteen thousand was a very bad loss. But there was a big army of healthy men still left.” His gnarled hand stroked her hair. “Lass, don’t go to grieving when thou hast no confirmation.”
“Thou dost not know that our Alex was even there,” Sadie added.
****
As the days passed, the winter darkness became increasingly oppressive with the threat of more snow. One evening Beth came in, her hair tumbled and her eyes dark circles in a too white face. Her words rushed out. “The list. Olivia, I saw it. Alex—”
“No, I don’t believe it!” Olivia grabbed Beth and shook her. “Tell me it isn’t so. Beth, tell me—”
Amos came into the house. He walked slowly, like a very old man. He dropped into the rocking chair, and Olivia waited, feeling as if life itself was holding motionless. With the sensation of stepping off into an endless void, Olivia asked, “Did you see the list?”
“Aye. Olivia, I don’t know where they come up with these lists. We can’t have total confidence in them.”
She took a deep breath. Carefully she said, “What did the list say?”
“It gave his name and the town…and ‘Fredericksburg.’”
Her voice was cold; she heard it coming from a great distance as she asked, “And you tell me I shouldn’t believe a list with details that complete?”
“Alex himself said they weren’t reliable.” The dark shadows still lined his face. She turned away from him and ran to her room.
During the night the pain began; at first Olivia thought of it as a blessed relief from thinking. But by early morning, before daylight, she understood the meaning of the pain. Struggling out of bed, she staggered into the hall.
Darkness, without a sound of life or a hint of light, surrounded her. She groped her way to the railing. The polished wood was icy and alien under her hand. As the pain moved up and tightened like a vise, she gasped and staggered against the railing. “Alex,” she whispered. Then in the emptiness, with the vise tightening again, she screamed, “Sadie!”
The names echoed through her mind during the hours of pain. And when the pain fled, she knew total release.
****
Sadie came with a glass of milk. Olivia took it absently and carefully said, “I don’t have a baby now, do I?”
“No. A tiny girl, much too small to live. But Olivia, don’t give up hope; there’s—” They stared at each other.
“Not without Alex. Sadie, he said I would have a baby in God’s time. Right now I think I hate God.”
Sadie’s arms were warm and soft; a strangled sob came from her throat. “Olivia, my dear child, how I wish I could carry thy hurt! But I can’t. Somehow the Lord intends that we learn to hold the hurts in such a way that the wounds make us stronger, not weaker. But until thou art strong, I will be thy shadow of rest, and then thou can pray again.”
When Amos came to comfort her, his brusque words were as abrasive as his work-worn hands, but both were very real and earthy. They bridged the distance and reminded Olivia of life. He patted her hand and rambled on about the cow getting out of the pasture and how the neighbor’s dog nipped her home.
Once she interrupted him. “Are you certain—did you really see his name?”
“Yes, lass.”
She turned her face away, wishing he would leave. “Olivia, a body gets to thinking he knows what God’s will is, and then a problem comes along. It’s like finding the road has a crook in it. It’s best to not fight the crook, it makes life easier.”
****
When Olivia finally came down to the parlor, deeply conscious of her dress hanging limp and straight, she found the room flooded with light—that pale opal light, reflected by the snow padding the world and lining the windows with crystals. Keeping her eyes on the light, she asked the most difficult question, the one that she needed answered. “Sadie, was it because I didn’t listen to you that I lost the baby?”
Sadie said nothing. She counted stitches and rocked in the chair beside the fire. The pink yarn had been replaced by dark blue. Olivia asked, “Are you making mittens for the soldiers?”
Finally Sadie nodded and put the knitting aside. “Olivia, it won’t do thee a bit of good to try to mull over what might have been. Thou needs to get on with life. Thou art strong inside because the Lord does that when He puts His Holy Spirit in us. Thou art strong enough to do whatever the Lord wants thee to do.”
“What does He want of me?”
“That is a question ye must ask of Him.”
Olivia knew Sadie was right, but she had no heart for the fight. Alex was gone. The baby was gone. What could possibly be worth living for now?
****
At last a letter came from Crystal. “She’s been all this time in Maryland with Matthew,” Olivia told Sadie. “It finally looks as if she will be able to get a pass to travel south. She begs me to forgive her if she isn’t here when the baby is born.”
Sadie rocked in silence, an
d Olivia struggled against the black cloud of melancholy that enveloped her. Amos came into the room, looking from Sadie to Olivia, who still sat with the letter clutched in her hand and tears filling her eyes.
Sitting down beside her, he patted her hand. “Olivia, ye must see life differently now. I cannot tell you how it will be; that will be for thee to discover. But God is thy Father, and he loves His children and will help make a new path for thee which will bring healing. In the book of Hebrews, we’re told to run the race before us with patience, all the time looking to Jesus.”
Sadie said, “Husband, thou art preaching.”
“No, wife; I am mentioning the fact that if we’re told to run, then there’s a place to run.”
A place to run. The words stuck in Olivia’s mind. But still she could not overcome the inertia that held her down.
****
It was Mike who unwittingly forced her back into life. His return to the Coopers’ threw the whole household into an uproar. In February, just after the ice began breaking on the Ohio, he walked into the house in his uniform, with his soft, dark cap slanted over one ear and a new red scar slanting under his eye. Olivia met him at the door and hugged him.
Stepping back, he looked at her and said slowly, “It isn’t March yet.”
Olivia took a deep breath and faced the pain inside. Now is the time, she thought. They said I must be the one to take the step, to accept. She lifted her chin. “Mike, I’ve lost the baby—and Alex, too.”
“Dear Lord,” he murmured, following her down the hall.
She looked at his stricken face. Her voice was dull, not bright as she intended. “It’s been a terrible time, but Sadie and Amos keep reminding me that God is still here.”
Sadie came out of the kitchen, she looked at them both and went to Mike. “Thee has had some hard experiences, too.”
He nodded. “But Alex?” He gulped and choked back his tears. “Please tell me about it.”
“We know nothing,” Olivia said. “I had an idea where he might have been—Fredericksburg.” Mike winced and shook his head. “We know nothing except that his name was posted as killed in action.”
“Olivia, sometimes they make mistakes.”
Fingering the brooch on her dress, she shook her head. “I’ve tried to tell myself that. But it’s impossible to believe when they had a name, a town, and a battle. I’ll simply have to accept it. And I think I’m learning to accept.”
“Mike, better come back and let me find thee something to eat,” Sadie said. “Thou hast a lot of talking to do. That scar tells us much.”
“Just coffee.” Mike hesitated, shoved his hands into his pockets, and said, “Did Beth tell you that we’re planning to be married while I’m here?”
Sadie stopped in the doorway. Without turning she slowly said, “Too bad ye didn’t say so beforehand; I’d have prayed the air clear.”
“What do you mean?”
“Mike, thou knowest how I feel about thee and Beth,” she said as she hurried into the kitchen.
Mike shrugged awkwardly and said to Olivia, “I suppose you feel the same.”
“I’m not certain, Mike.” She went to sit beside the fire. “Beth seems like a child to me. I shudder to think of—”
He finished the thought, “Of what Beth would do in these circumstances?”
They were both staring into the fire when Sadie returned with the coffee. She put down the pot. “What happened to you? We’ve been hearing about the troubles in Mississippi.”
“Aw, not much. I took a transport down the Mississippi for Grant. He’s been jabbing at Vicksburg, trying to find a way to get in there. This time we dropped the troops off upriver. They marched in, and we decided to see if we couldn’t move downstream. Some of the Confederate gunboats took after us. That’s when I picked up this scar. A shell shattered some glass, and I happened to be standing too near the window when it went.”
He stood up. “I think I hear Beth’s horse. I’ll go meet her.”
Beth was pulling the saddle off the mare when he walked into the barn. For a moment he stopped in the doorway, watching her and thinking of Sadie’s reaction. Now isn’t the time to figure out all Sadie’s objections. Anyway, I’m the one who will be living with Beth. As he walked toward her he moved his shoulders uneasily, wondering at his reaction to Sadie’s dismay.
Beth turned from hanging the bridle, and he caught her in his arms. “Lady, are you the one promised to that Mike Clancy?”
She gasped, “Mike, oh, Mike, you’re back! If only you knew how terrible this winter has been!” She flung her arms around him and tightened them, clinging desperately to him.
“I’m here,” he murmured, reaching for her lips. “Are you ready to marry me now?”
“Marry you?” she hesitated, shuddering. “I’m afraid, Mike. I’m not sure. Will it turn out like Olivia and Alex?” He released her and looked into her eyes. She saw the scar, then touched it. “What happened?”
“Just a window shot out. You know sailors are safer than soldiers.”
“Safer?” She studied his face carefully. “I believe you really are serious. I couldn’t take what happened to Olivia.” Abruptly she smiled and snuggled into his arms. “Oh, Mike, are you serious about getting married now?”
“Most certainly. Didn’t I say so in every letter?”
Slowly she replied, “Then I guess it’s the thing to be done right away, before I change my mind.”
Chapter 30
Beth and Mike walked into the house hand in hand. Beth tilted her chin and announced, “We’re going to get married now, while Mike is here.”
Amos spoke first. Heavily he said, “Well, can’t say thou doesn’t know each other.”
Sadie said, “I’ll bake a cake. What’ll you do for a special frock?”
Beth smiled sheepishly. “I have one you haven’t seen. I wondered when I’d ever wear it.”
Mike looked down at her. “Then why did you buy it?” For a moment Beth looked confused; she blushed, and Mike patted her shoulder. “That’s all right, just as long as you wear it now.”
“Then you’ll go with Mike?” Olivia asked.
“No,” Mike answered for Beth. “She’s going to stay here. I’d be gone most of the time, anyway.”
Beth’s eyes were big. “I—I hadn’t thought about your leaving. Oh, dear!”
“When?” Olivia looked at Mike.
“I have three weeks here, then I’ll be heading out again.”
“No, I meant when are you two getting married.”
They looked at each other. Tentatively Beth said, “Day after tomorrow?”
Sadie gasped. “Better get supper on the table so I can start working on that cake.”
“I’ll help.” Olivia followed her to the kitchen. She saw Sadie’s troubled frown. As she reached for the plates and forks, she asked, “You don’t like this, do you?”
Sadie sighed. “No. Way down in my bones I feel it’s wrong. Don’t have no reason for feeling thus, except that I don’t feel that girl’s spirit is right with the Lord.” She stirred the gravy and poked at the potatoes. “Olivia, ’twas so different when thou and—” she stopped suddenly, patting Olivia’s shoulder. “Can’t reconcile all this,” she finished lamely. “But Mike Clancy will have to make his own decision, between himself and his Lord.”
Olivia carried the dishes to the table and came back for the butter and pitcher of water. When she returned for the bread, she managed a smile.
Late that evening as she walked slowly up the stairs to her room, she saw Beth and Mike in the parlor. They were talking and laughing, their heads close together.
In her bedroom, Olivia removed the brooch from her frock. By lamplight the gold stood out in stark contrast to the onyx. She could nearly hear Alex’s voice reading the Isaiah verse. Closing her eyes she murmured, “‘As a bride adorneth herself…so the Lord God will cause…’ God…,” she murmured, “it comes from Him. All of it. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.”
Her tears dropped on the brooch, making the gold shine more brightly.
That night the dream she had had before she married Alex returned. When she stirred and opened her eyes, morning was a touch of pink in the sky. Still half asleep, she stretched, seeking Alex’s familiar form beside her. Realizing what she had done, she abruptly pulled her hand away from the cold sheets on the far side of the bed.
She turned on her side to look at the vacant place. The dream blossomed complete in her mind—the rolling hills, falling away endlessly toward the horizon, with Alex and Olivia walking hand and hand. The same warm, loving glow filled it all.
“It’s the dream I had when I understood it was Your desire that I marry Alex, Lord,” she whispered. “Why are You reminding me again? Is it the brooch? Are You telling me that my life is still here, and I must shine like gold?” She touched the cold tears on her face and admitted, “But, Father, it is so difficult.”
****
While Sadie beat sugar and eggs together in the kitchen, Olivia shelled and chopped nuts. Casually she said, “Sadie, you’ve been talking about the Sanitary Commission for the past three months, telling me all about their work for the men fighting this war.”
Sadie’s spoon slowed. “Yes, that is why I knitted the mittens and the stockings last winter. We pack boxes of cookies and clean underwear. Sometimes we have slickers and rubber mats to put in the bundles. Sometimes we just send ointment and bandages to the hospitals.”
Olivia took a deep breath and the words rushed out. “Sadie, I’ve been thinking…I should become a volunteer. I could take care of the wounded boys.”
Sadie’s spoon stopped and slid down the side of the bowl. “Thou art not that well yet.”
“Yes I am. You’re pampering me; I have to be of use in this world. Sadie, I’m beginning to feel this is what God wants of me.”
****
The next morning Olivia stepped out of her room to find Beth looking shy and uncertain. Suddenly conscious of how often Beth had avoided her during the past months, Olivia smiled and said, “Do you have time to talk?”