I shook my head. “Don’t put that negative energy in the air. If you pack your clothes, you’re pretty much accepting defeat.”
“You’re right. Instead of accepting defeat, I have to do something else.” Mya punched her right fist into the center of her left hand. “I’m not going home tonight.”
“That’s the spirit!” I cheered her on as we entered our bedroom.
I grabbed the yellow card from the center of my bed. “Wardrobe. Hair. Makeup.”
I didn’t know if Koko was purposely putting me on her schedule last, but it worked out so well. I loved knowing that I would be able to debrief with my best friend in a couple of hours.
Mya held up hers. “Makeup. Wardrobe. Hair.”
I nodded.
Nicole knocked on the door and compared yellow cards with us. Mya and Nicole were excited to learn that they had the same shifts so they plopped down on Mya’s bed and started talking excitedly.
I grabbed a pair of yoga pants and a plain white t-shirt and took it into my closet with me. Closing the door behind me, I stripped out of my clothes and pulled on the more comfortable attire. I stooped down to pick up my jeans by one of the legs and a folded piece of paper fell out of the back pocket. After stuffing my jeans and t-shirt into my laundry bag, I reached down and picked up the paper.
I didn’t put anything in my pockets today.
Flipping it over, I didn’t see anything on the outside to alert me to what could be on the inside. Opening it up, I immediately noticed that it wasn’t my handwriting.
to The One in the garden:
I feel you.
Intimately
In too deeply
Intrusively
In you I see me.
I feel you.
Infiltrate
Penetrate
Worth the wait
Years I would wait
I feel you.
I read the words scrawled on the yellow notebook paper three times with my heart in my throat each time. I read the poem the first time too fast, not sure what it was in my pocket. As I read each word, something deep within me woke up, but I couldn’t stop myself from rushing through it. The second and third time, I read it slowly. I let each word wallow in my heart and then imprint on my soul.
The steady beat of my heart sounded like a drum. I couldn’t hear anything else, but his words on repeat to the cadence of my heartbeats. My chest rose and fell as I took it all in.
The poem was sexual, emotional, and spiritual. In two short stanzas, he summed up the intensity of our connection. It wasn’t just sexual attraction driving whatever it was between us. It didn’t matter that it had been four days since we’d met. I’d never felt stronger feelings toward another man.
I read the poem again.
Clutching the paper to my chest, my eyes stung with tears. I was overwhelmed.
The delicate knock against the closet door forced me to get myself together. “Everything okay in there?” Mya’s voice sounded concerned.
“Yeah.” I had to force myself to sound normal. “Just getting laundry together,” I replied, folding the letter quickly. I stashed it in my cross body bag and then slung it over my head.
I walked out of the closet to see Mya and Nicole looking at me suspiciously.
“I’m probably going to do laundry tomorrow since there’s nothing planned.” I sat on my bed, facing them.
“On days we don’t have dates, I feel like I’m going to die of boredom. I wish we had a TV or something,” Nicole complained.
Mya responded but I didn’t hear her. My mind had circled back to Julian Winters, who was looking more and more like the man of my dreams.
“Earth to Zoe,” Mya said, in a sing-song tone.
I didn’t realize I’d been staring at my hands in my lap. I snapped out of it, looking up quickly. “I’m sorry. I have a lot on my mind. What did you say?”
They giggled. “We’re going to head to the makeup trailer. Do you want to walk out with us?” Nicole offered.
“Yeah, let me get my shoes on.”
I put on my sneakers and then we left the house. We split up on the sidewalk and I made my way to wardrobe. I knew I wasn’t going to the listening party with Julian, but I wanted him to be thinking of me the entire time he was with Emma and Samantha.
Over the next sixty minutes, I finished my wardrobe and hair styling for the night. I selected a form fitting, dark blue dress with accents of pink and mulberry patterned throughout. The light pink pumps and matching light pink accessories pulled the look together. I felt beautiful in the outfit because the material and color were flattering against my skin and the cut of the dress was sexy. For my hair, it was styled in a bun on the top of my head. The pink pearl hair accessories were utilized to hold my thick hair in place and also to bring the look together.
When I arrived at the makeup trailer, Koko was alone. Her mentor had just finished someone’s makeup and was taking a break. That was the second best news I’d heard all day.
“You look great!” Koko exclaimed, eyeing me.
“Thanks. You too!” I replied, noticing how pulled together she looked in her blue jersey knit dress and black tights. “Are you fucking with someone on set?”
Koko threw her head back and laughed. “Because I have on this dress? Come on!”
I sat down in her chair and narrowed my eyes at her. I pursed my lips, questioning her with my silence.
“Come on, give me some credit. I would never!” She pointed to my microphone that was dangling from my shirt and shook her head.
“Oh, no.” I gestured to my microphone. “I turned this off earlier in wardrobe. Who is it?”
“Oh, well if that’s the case. Bryce Wilson.”
“What?” My jaw dropped.
She started prepping my face as she began, “JJ introduced us during my first interview so we’ve known each other for a couple of months. We’ve been friendly and because we’ve attended some of the same meetings and the show started, we’ve been seeing each other a little more frequently. Some of us all got together the other night after the meeting. Bryce was there and we got drinks and then we got flirty. I teased him because on camera he’s so proper and off camera he is a surfer or something. He says ‘dude’ all the time. Way too much. But it’s so cute and funny. He said he liked me teasing him and I told him that wasn’t the first time I’d heard that. Nothing happened that night. But then yesterday, he came in here to get his makeup done and JJ had to leave to meet with a vendor. So he and I started talking and then I started doing his makeup and then…one thing led to another.”
I had to grab her wrist so I could open my eyes again since she was doing my eye makeup. I moved my head away from her brush. “Wait…wait wait wait. In here?”
She grinned. “In the bathroom and then in his trailer.” She lowered her voice. “And then again in his SUV.”
I wiggled my eyebrows. “Nice! I mean, yeah, it’s reckless because this job is huge for you. But that’s hot and sexy.”
“Yes it was.” She started working on my eyes again. “He was good, better than I thought he would be. But just hearing people walking around outside and the threat of almost getting caught was...” She sighed. “Remember that time you fucked your study partner in the Breakers bathroom?”
I laughed because it caught me off guard. “Yes—”
“Hey! I’m trying to do your lipstick, hold still.”
“Then don’t ask me questions!”
As she was finishing my makeup, she filled me in on everything she had going on.
“All done!” Koko announced, spinning me in the chair with a flourish.
I opened my eyes and smiled. “You are excellent at your job, my friend.”
“Thanks. Now spill. I’m done with making your lips even more kissable for your man.”
She was joking around, but her saying that made me grin.
“You have that lovesick look in your eyes already. Tell me everything!”
I told
her everything. From the gazebo date to the poem, I filled her in. It took twenty minutes, leaving her almost no time for us to really get into it.
Koko’s eyebrows were in the middle of her forehead for the entire breakdown. “Wow,” she said for the eleventh time. “He obviously loves you, but what’s blowing my mind is that you love him, too.”
Although my heart rate increased, I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous! We just met four days ago. But if I’m honest, I know it’s completely unlike me, I do like him…a lot. More than I should.” I shook my head. “It’s crazy and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s risky, you know?”
“Well, love is risky business in general. And yes, you avoid risks at all costs, but I don’t think you should avoid this. After everything you’ve told me, it’s clear to me that you two are into each other, ‘love-at-first-sight’ into each other. You’re going to be here for the entire three and a half weeks and you two are probably going to get paid a million dollars to do one of those The One: Wedding specials.”
I laughed despite myself. “You are ridiculous. Seriously, Koko. I’m trying to tell you something serious and you’re making jokes.”
“I’m serious, too! You should see your face right now. You have it bad.”
I looked at myself in the mirror and she was right. My eyes were wide and sparkling. My smile was goofy, yet radiant. My face was flushed, despite the high-definition makeup that was smoothed over my skin.
I do have it bad, I realized, examining myself in the mirror. And this lipstick color is now on my must-have list.
“What’s the name of this lipstick?” I asked.
She pursed her lips. “Denial.”
I laughed again. “I miss you. It’s so hard living in the house.” I pouted. “We’ve been roommates for seven years. I think they should allow you to stay with me. I have separation anxiety.”
“Even if Julian was my type, which he’s not, they wouldn’t let me in. They already have an African American woman and a Mexican American woman. A Japanese American woman would make three minorities and that’s just too much diversity for one show,” Koko joked, rolling her eyes. “And after what Jamie said to you, I can only imagine what she would say to me.”
“Right? I’m still pissed about that.” I looked at the time. “I have to go.” I stood up and hugged her. “I wish I could come over here and chat more without it looking suspicious.”
“Me too! But we’re going to have to figure something out tomorrow because you need to tell me everything that happens at midnight.”
“I know! I’ll definitely find a reason to come back. Tomorrow is the first day they air the show right?”
“Well they’ve only had the Before The One Special air on Sunday and that showed the interviews.”
I made a face. “How was it?”
“Well, you weren’t on it much. It was—”
The knock on the door interrupted her words as Koko and I turned to see who was coming in.
I felt the corners of my lips turning upward. “Hi Bryce!” I greeted him as he walked in. “I was just leaving.” I turned to my best friend and winked. “Thank you again. See you later!”
I ran out of the trailer and back to the house in no time. When I burst into the room, Mya was dressed in a sexy teal dress and primping in the mirror.
“Zoe! You only have fifteen minutes.”
“I know, I know.” I rushed over to the dry cleaner bag hanging on the wall. “Makeup ran long. That dress is sexy, by the way.”
I grabbed the dress and I ran into the closet to change. Emerging a few minutes later, Mya proceeded to whistle.
“Oh, I love that color on you. You look really good!”
There was a knock on the door and a deep voice called out. “Five minutes to six, ladies!”
“You ready?” Mya asked, making her way to the door.
I gave myself one last look in the mirror and nodded.
Ready as I’ll ever be.
I didn’t know why I was so nervous. It was as if the poem had completely thrown me off. As production rattled off information, I clutched my glass of champagne. Letting the liquid settle the twisting in my belly, I breathed through the overwhelming mixture of feelings. Even when Bryce arrived on set looking happy and refreshed, I could only manage a smirk. When we were told to mingle and that Julian would arrive any minute, I got a refill.
“You’re quiet tonight. Everything okay?” Mya asked as I finished my second glass of champagne.
“Yeah, of course. How are you?”
“I’m ready!”
“Good!”
Mya, Nicole and I stood on the sidelines, watching an argument brewing between Tori and Emma based on something Leah said. The fight was heating up and the camera was catching every moment of it. Although I couldn’t hear them, I saw some of the crew excitedly looking on and celebrating what they saw as a must-see TV ratings boost. When I watched the way they talked to each other based on Leah’s insinuation that one of them said the other didn’t have chemistry with Julian, I saw the demise of female unity and empowerment.
I looked at the fight and imagined impressionable young girls watching these shows and feeling as though female friendship took a backseat to finding a man. I looked at Bailey and imagined girls believing that being pretty was more important than being smart and interesting. I looked at Leah and imagined girls thinking that being strong meant being manipulative.
And then there’s us. I looked at Mya and Nicole as they giddily told a story. Impressionable girls will look at them and think that they are in love with someone they’ve never taken the time to get to know. Or they will look at me and see a hypocrite and think that falling in love after a few days is possible.
I groaned and considered getting a third glass of champagne.
Even though I wasn’t facing the door leading to the patio, I knew the moment Julian was near. The air shifted in the room and my eyes focused on the entrance. Ten seconds later, Julian walked in wearing dark denim jeans and a white button-up shirt.
Damn, he looks good.
After greeting us and talking to us as a group for a few minutes, Tori grabbed him and led him away. Each woman alternated between interrupting someone else’s time and snatching him as soon as he returned from his time with another woman. I hung back, wanting to go last again, hoping to not be interrupted.
“Zoe, can I steal you away?” Julian asked as the rest of the women looked on. It was the first time he had chosen someone to go off with. There were still two women besides me who hadn’t gone yet and I was hoping to be last. But what was I going to say? No?
“Yes, of course,” I enthused, allowing him to help me off of the couch.
As soon as my hand was in his, the nerves, the knots in my stomach, and the anxiety melted away. I saw Mya staring at me and although I didn’t think she would be thrilled, she looked flat out irritated.
Julian led me into the house. We walked into the kitchen where two cups of hot cocoa that a producer just poured were sitting at the kitchen table. I saw the reflection of the producer running away in the window. I looked over at Julian, curious as to if he had planned it, and he just smiled. When we got to the table, he pulled the chair out for me and I sat down.
“Thank you,” I said, feeling overwhelmed by my feelings for the man who had just sat down across from me. But with his smile and my hand comfortably still tucked in his, I was able to simultaneously wallow in my feelings without feeling stressed or anxious about it.
“Of course.”
We sat on the same side of the table and the camera crew was on the other side. I had so many things I wanted to say, but was unable to with an audience.
“Name three things that we appear to have in common,” I asked, unable to ask if he truly thought he could see a future with us.
Turning his body slightly, he unraveled our hands and put his arm around me, resting it on the back of my chair. His fingers danced up and down the curve of my shoulder. Our
faces were floating around that danger zone where intimacy is intensified through either the telling of secrets or the sharing of kisses.
“We seem to have the same sense of humor. There have been times over the last few days when something will happen and we will be the only ones laughing about it. We’re both hard working and dedicated to our work.” He took a sip of his hot cocoa and then licked the foam away before looking at me again. “And poetry.”
The storminess of his eyes left me utterly speechless for ten seconds. I swallowed hard.
“What three things would you say?” He asked, holding me captive with his gaze.
My voice shook slightly. “Our love of music and movement. I notice when music is playing how you move because I find myself doing the same thing all of the time. The importance of family. We both love our families and believe in family and love and…” Just saying the word ‘love’ to him made it hard for me to breathe. I cleared my throat. “We both communicate very well…which is probably why we have this shared love of poetry.”
“I’d agree with that,” he said slowly, staring right through me. “Because poems are the ultimate expression of how someone feels so that does go hand in hand.”
I nodded, adding softly, “Poems are driven by emotions and passion.”
“And truth.”
I had butterflies in my stomach, in my chest, and everywhere else. My entire body felt like it was going to take flight.
He licked his lips and my eyes zoned in before shutting. I didn’t remember who leaned forward to initiate the kiss, but when our lips met, I felt lightheaded.
The kiss was tender, more like a brushing of our lips than a passionate declaration of desire. It grew into something more worshipful with each passing moment. His hand that rested on my shoulder tightened its grip while his other hand cradled my head. While one of my hands was trapped between us, my other hand clung to his shirt.
The sound of a chair screeching across the floor burst our bubble, snapping us out of our moment. Our bodies tensed at the realization that we had an audience. We pulled out of the kiss, but he rested his forehead against mine.
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