I missed that.
When Luke and Cocky Boy passed by the hostess station on the way out, I bit my lip, losing my nerve. He didn’t even look at me.
Maybe I should just let him go.
No. I was doing this.
“Luke.”
He stopped midstride, but hesitated before turning around. Still, he said nothing, just looked at me with his hard, emotionless eyes.
“I want to talk.”
He finally broke his silence. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“You don’t have to say anything,” I said, feeling bolder, “but I have something to say. My break’s in five minutes. Can you wait outside for me? Please?”
He looked at the ceiling, considering his options. “Fine,” he said, his voice gruff. Then he spun on his heel and strode through the exit, the door slamming behind him.
A trickle of anger interrupted my flow of anxiety and despair. When I saw him wrapped up with his ex-girlfriend, he confronted the situation head-on, demanding that we talk about it. Where did he get off being a hypocrite?
As soon as the manager came to cover the hostess station, I went outside to see Luke. Half of me expected him not to be there, but the smarter half of me knew better. Luke was a man of his word.
He was sitting at a table on the front patio, his hands stuffed in his pockets. I sat in the seat across from him.
“Hi,” I said lamely, my breath fogging out in front of me.
He nodded.
I took a deep breath. “I want to explain.” I paused, collecting my thoughts. I hadn’t actually planned what to say. How did one come out and say I didn’t talk to you about my old boyfriend because I was afraid I drove him to commit suicide?
I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself.
“Where’s your coat?” he asked.
“Huh?” I looked at him, confused. The thought of getting my coat hadn’t even occurred to me. I was too anxious to think logically. “It’s inside.”
“Go get it. It’s freezing.”
I shook my head. “If I go back in there, I might lose my nerve, and I need to do this.”
He cursed. Abruptly, he rose. “Come on.” He didn’t wait for me to agree. He stalked to his Jeep and opened the passenger door. “Get in.”
I climbed in and he slammed the door closed. Seconds later he got into the driver’s side and stuck the key in the ignition, turning the heat on full blast.
I sat for a moment, appreciating the warm air, before turning to him.
“You already know Tyler was my high school boyfriend. And that he was the one who gave me the necklace.”
“You don’t have to do this.”
“No,” I said firmly. “I do.”
I shifted in my seat so that I was facing the windshield. It was going to be hard enough getting through this without looking at Luke, remembering what used to be.
Our first real, meaningful kiss had been in this Jeep. My fingers flew to my lips, and I had to force them back into my lap. Now was not the time to visit memory lane.
“Tyler and I dated all throughout high school and my freshman year of college,” I explained in a monotone voice, as if I were reciting a book report instead of explaining a tragedy in my own life. “He was a great guy. You probably would have liked him if the circumstances were different. We went to colleges far away from each other, and things changed. We didn’t see each other much, and it seemed that every time we talked on the phone we fought. One night last April, we had a really bad fight.”
I took a second to brace myself for what I was about to say. “I said some harsh words to him and hung up. A few minutes later, he crashed his car into a tree, killing himself. At first, the police said it was an accident. It wasn’t until right before school started that I learned it was suicide. I thought…I thought I’d killed him. I know now that’s not true—he was sick, depressed—but it’s not something you can just get over, you know? I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I didn’t. He was such a large part of my life, and I wasn’t ready to deal with it all. That’s why I still wore his necklace.”
Luke had been looking out the driver’s side window this whole time. Even when I stopped talking, he still didn’t turn his face toward me.
“Are you going to say anything?” I asked.
“What do you want me to say?”
That you forgive me. That you still want me. That you love me.
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I just felt you should know the truth. Tyler has a place in my heart that’s not going away. Even if he didn’t die and we just broke up, which is where we were heading, I’d always have love for him. He was a huge part of my life for five years, and I can’t forget that, and I won’t apologize for it. But I’m sorry for not being open about it. Look—” I reached over to grab his arm, but stopped myself before contact. “Look at me.”
He looked to where I had pulled my shirt away from my neck.
“I’m not wearing it anymore.”
His gaze shifted from my neck up to my face for a few seconds, but I couldn’t read his expression. Then he turned to face the window again.
There was nothing left to say, so I let myself out of the Jeep back out into the cold. I wrapped my arms around myself as I walked away.
It was done.
Chapter Twenty-Six
“Is this kettle corn?” Amber asked, taking a bowl of popcorn from me.
“No. It’s some low butter, low sodium, low fat stuff that my mom has.” I settled onto the couch next to her.
She scrunched up her nose. “Yuck. Low taste, you mean. It’s probably good, though. My mom’s trying to fatten me up with Christmas cookies.”
My eyes lit up, the first time they had in weeks. “Those ones with the Hershey’s Kisses on top? Did you bring me some?”
She shook her head. “Sorry.”
I sighed. It was just as well. “What do you want to watch? I’ve got The Breakfast Club, Ten Things I Hate About You, or How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.”
“Going vintage, I see. How about Ten Things first and then we’ll do 10 Days. We can have a ten marathon.”
I queued up the movie and settled back on the couch, snuggling under a blanket. About ten minutes into the movie, Amber’s phone rang.
“Hell-ooohh,” Amber said in a sickeningly sweet voice. Fighting the urge to gag, I paused the movie.
“I’m watching a movie with Cori… No, it’s okay, I can talk… I miss you, too.”
I picked at a hole forming in the blanket, making it worse. Hopefully my mom wouldn’t discover it until after I’d gone back to school. Amber carried on her conversation, oblivious to my looks of annoyance.
Finally she put her phone down and sighed. “I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder, at least in Brad’s case. The boy calls me every day.”
“That’s nice.” I tried to sound sincere, really I did, but I was struggling to hold down my dinner after listening to her play kiss-face for the last ten minutes.
She eyed me thoughtfully. “You know, I can call him and ask him anything you want to know about Luke. He’ll tell me everything. I’ve got him wrapped around my finger like a pinky ring.” She grinned and held up her hand, which was indeed adorned with a tiny silver ring on her pinky.
“It’s over.” My voice was flat. I pointed the remote at the TV and hit play.
Amber wrenched it from my grasp and paused the movie again. “If you just explained to him—”
“I did.”
“You didn’t tell me that. You never tell me anything anymore. What did he say?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing? What do you mean, nothing? How could he just say nothing? He had to have said something.”
“Well, let’s see, he told me to stop talking. He didn’t even want to hear what I had to say.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Amber’s voice conveyed her hurt.
“I didn’t want to talk about it. I told him, and he didn’t care. N
othing’s changed. End of story.”
“He’s an asshole.”
I should have known I could count on Amber for a good old-fashioned ex-bashing. I’d made more than my fair share of disparaging comments about the losers she’d gone out with. Unfortunately, her comment didn’t make me feel any better.
I sighed. “He’s not an asshole.” That was what bothered me about the whole situation. If he wasn’t the asshole, then maybe that meant I was. I’d really messed up, and I hated myself for it.
Amber tossed her hair over her shoulder, diva style. “I still think it’s messed up. People make mistakes, you know? It’s not like you cheated on him or anything.”
I smiled despite everything. “Thanks.” It was nice having Amber firmly on my side, even if I wasn’t in the right.
She smiled back and squeezed my hand. “Okay, let’s continue with our high-school-bad-boy-Heath-Ledger drool fest. Damn, he was hot. If he can’t make you forget Luke for a few hours, nothing will.”
Just what I was afraid of.
…
My dad wiped his hands on a rag. “Oil’s changed.” He looked the same as he always did—dark hair that was starting to get a touch of gray, broad shoulders, capable hands. He wore jeans and a faded flannel shirt over a T-shirt, no coat despite the cold weather. I don’t think he even owned one.
“Thanks.” I hefted a suitcase into the trunk, then turned to pick up the other one.
“Let me do that.” I let him take it from me and wrestle it into the trunk with the other one. He closed the trunk and patted it affectionately. “This car still has some years left in her.”
I’d forgotten how attached he was to this old thing. He’d bought it new fifteen years ago and given it to me when I got my license, getting himself a newer model.
I put my purse and bottle of water in the passenger’s seat. “I’d better get going.”
He nodded. “Yeah, you want to get there before it gets dark.”
We hugged awkwardly. We’d never been close.
“Listen, uh, Cori.” My dad cleared his throat, his eyes not meeting mine. Geez, this better not be one of those awkward conversations like when he’d congratulated me on getting my first period. Nothing could be more mortifying to a thirteen-year-old girl than having her father talk about her newly flowing menstruation.
“About your financial aid, your mom wasn’t supposed to tell you about that.”
My nostrils flared. “Don’t you think I needed to know? They don’t let you go to school for free. Someone needed a plan to come up with the money.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “I was going to figure something out.”
“I took care of it,” I said stiffly.
“I didn’t want you to. I was looking into loans.”
This was the first I’d heard of that. But honestly? It was depending on them to handle the finances that got me into trouble in the first place, so even if he had told me, I still wouldn’t have trusted him to come through.
“It’s done, Dad. Don’t worry about it.”
He leaned against the car and crossed his arms. “I do, though. I’m your dad. I’m always going to worry about you.”
“I know,” I said automatically, but when I looked up and saw the disappointment and shame in his eyes—disappointment and shame for letting me down—I reached out and squeezed his hand. “I know,” I quietly said again.
He stepped away from the car. “All right. Drive safely.” He patted my arm in a clumsy show of affection, then stepped away from the car so I could drive off.
A mere six hours later, I put my car in park in front of the Alpha house. Home, sweet home.
The first thing I did when I walked in my room was pop the lid on a gel air freshener I had brought with me and throw away the two I’d left sitting out. I don’t know what happened in these rooms while students were gone over break, but I hadn’t wanted to return to the funky smell that had greeted me after Thanksgiving break.
I could tell by the mountain of bags just inside the door that Amber had beat me back. There was no sign of her as I made multiple trips back and forth to my car. No doubt she was already with Brad.
As if she’d known I was thinking about her, my phone rang. I answered it and propped it on my shoulder as I hauled my last suitcase into my room. I needed to learn to travel lighter.
“What’s up?” I said
“Are you exercising or something?” Amber asked. “You’re all out of breath.” I could barely hear her over all the background noise.
“Um, no. I gave up the psycho exercise routine when the pageant ended. I’m carrying my suitcase.”
“Oh. Well, we’re all at Thirsties. You should come out.”
I dropped my suitcase on my bed with a grunt. “I have to unpack.”
“You-know-who isn’t here,” she said in a loud whisper.
“Thanks for the info, Harry Potter, but I still have to unpack.”
“Cori!”
“Amber, I’ve got to go.” I lined up my socks in the top dresser drawer, organizing them according to color. Ah, the sight of that was pure magic.
“Don’t be lame!” I heard her say right before I ended the call.
I wasn’t lame. I was responsible.
And this was sounding familiar. Déjà vu even. Wasn’t this how last semester began? And that didn’t go so well.
“Right,” I said aloud. “And last semester, I caved and went out. So that means I should stick to my original idea and stay in.”
I lifted a stack of shirts out of my suitcase and refolded them to get out all the wrinkles they’d gotten from being squashed in a suitcase.
I was efficient. Everything was put away and my suitcases stowed under my bed in less than thirty minutes. The whole time my phone kept chirping, signaling incoming text messages. I’d ignored them, but now I picked up my phone.
Cori! Get your butt out here!
I mean it! I will be mad at you!
Okay, I won’t get mad, just come anyway.
Why aren’t you responding?
Josh has a new bimbo. You’ve GOT to see this one!
Another text message came in, this one a picture: a selfie of Amber with an exaggerated frown on her face. I laughed.
It’s not like I had anything better to do. I’d ordered all my textbooks online and they wouldn’t arrive until tomorrow, so I couldn’t even start reading yet, not that I wanted to after a six-hour drive.
I could drop by Thirsties. I didn’t have to stay long.
I touched up my makeup and changed my clothes before I changed my mind. Then I was off.
Amber, Brad, Josh, and Josh’s bimbo were sitting at their usual table in the corner, the one that was out of view of the bartenders and the security cameras.
Amber squealed when she saw me and almost knocked me flat with her exuberant hug. Geez, it was like we hadn’t seen each other almost every day over break.
Josh patted the seat next to him. “Hey, Cori. How’s it going?”
I settled in the chair and placed my purse at my feet. “All right. When did you get back?”
“Yesterday.”
Wow, he worked fast. I checked out his new bimbo. Bimbo wasn’t the term I’d use to describe this chick. She was more on the goth side, complete with black hair, black eyeliner, and black fingernail polish. If I hadn’t seen it for myself, I don’t know if I would’ve believed Amber when she told me about this girl. She wasn’t Josh’s normal flavor. She was probably nice enough, though.
Or maybe not. Josh had flung his arm around the back of my chair and it was a good thing for me that looks couldn’t kill.
Josh leaned toward me. “What classes are we taking this semester?”
I laughed. “We?”
“Yeah. Maybe if I take the same classes as you, I’ll actually stand a chance of passing them.”
I shook my head. “Don’t be lazy, Josh.” I plucked the side of his head. “You have brains in there for a reason.”
&nb
sp; “Yeah, but your brains are so much better than mine.”
I laughed again. “That’s not even true. You’re smart. You’re just lazy.”
Josh’s bimbo put her hand on his arm possessively, digging her fingernails in. He looked over to her as if he just remembered she was there. “Have you met Tabitha?”
I shook my head and smiled at her. “I’m Cori.” She narrowed her eyes at me, which only made me smile wider. Poor girl. Where did he find her? And perhaps more relevant at this point, at what point would he ditch her?
Amber caught my eye. She was biting her lip, trying not to laugh. When she got herself under control, she mouthed I told you so.
I sat back in my chair, content to watch the goings-on around me. I was happy to see that Brad seemed to be treating Amber well. He kept his arm around her chair and she hadn’t even set her empty glass down before he was on his feet to get her another one. When he handed her the new one, she tilted her face up for a kiss, and I could see it in his eyes. He was gone for her.
I felt a pang of loneliness. Was this what it had been like for her watching me all those years, first with Tyler, then with Luke?
It sucked. Being the third—or in this case fifth—wheel was not fun. How did she do it all that time and keep her spirits up?
Amber laughed at something Brad said, then did a double take. She turned to me with a horrified look on her face, her eyes darting from me to something behind me.
“What?” I said.
She continued to stare at me with an alarmed expression. I turned to see what she had seen.
Luke was walking toward us.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I whipped around and placed my palms flat on the table, forcing myself to breathe. This was bound to happen sooner or later. It was better that I got it over with sooner.
Amber scooted her chair closer to mine and grabbed my hand in a show of solidarity.
“Hey, man,” Brad said. “I didn’t think you were getting in town until tomorrow.”
Luke circled the table and after they did some complicated guy fist-bump handshake thing, pulled up a chair next to Brad and sat. “Change of plans.”
Letting Go Page 25