“Sure, everyone always says that’s an amazing venue.”
“The concerts there are epic. I’m planning everything.”
“Then what?” I’m starting to get a little excited too.
“Phoenix for a spa week, then Vegas then Napa.”
“That sounds perfect.” I take a sip of wine. “What do I need to do?”
“Give me your credit card so I can go ahead and buy tickets and book hotels.”
“Don’t book any motels. I don’t want to be stabbed in my sleep.”
“You’d rather be stabbed while awake?”
I cock my head to the side pondering. “Okay, point made. I don’t want bed bugs.”
“Ah, got it. No motels with doors on the outside and no bed bugs.”
“I’ll leave my card tomorrow.”
“Perfect.” She puts the pad down and smiles contently.
“Now, what’re you going to make for my family dinner where we get to tell everyone I’m leaving?”
“Ugh,” she groans and flips the paper on the pad.
“What?”
“I just don’t know what to think about your sister.”
“She’s fine. I just tell you one side of her. It’s my mom who will surprise you.”
“Why’s that?”
“She’s like the perfect Stepford wife, except now she’s too old to be considered that and she’s clinging to her youth. I think someone will have to pry it out of her cold, dead hands.”
“Damn.” Laura shakes her head at the image.
“When I’m sixty and I ask to borrow one of my kid’s skirts you tell me to get over myself,” I comment.
“Eww.” Laura sits back in her seat and takes a sip of wine. “However, if I can fit in my kid’s skirt I may rub it in her face too.”
“Maybe you’ll love my mom,” I mutter. “This wine is good, what is it?”
“I don’t know. I got something from Napa since we are going to stay with no end in sight…”
“It’s a cabernet though, right?”
“No. You better learn shit about wine before we get there. You’ll embarrass me.”
“Just because you plan to stay there for awhile doesn’t mean you have to turn into a pretentious prick about wine.”
“I think it does.” She winks. “So I called the car place today. It’s going to be like $3,000 to repair your car, and it’ll take a few weeks.”
“Well.” I take a sip of wine. “I think I will just buy a new car then.”
“What?”
“I think I’m going to get a cherry red Ford Mustang convertible,” I answer. “I’m not waiting around in Atlanta to repair a car that I never really wanted.”
“Hmmmm, that doesn’t leave a lot of room for our bags. I’ll have to figure out how we will do laundry on our trip.”
“I’m sure we can get the hotels to do it, right? Don’t you think rich people do that?”
“How am I supposed to know what rich people do?”
I shrug. “Look that shit up on your phone.”
“You’re getting trusts set up?”
“Yes, I talked to Justin about setting up a couple.”
“One for your nephew?”
“Yep.”
“Parents?”
“Mmmmhmmmm.” I nod because my mouth is still full of food. “So it’s going to be me and you for like three months?”
“Longer than that, but I don’t know how long I’ll stay in Napa. I guess until I figure out what I want to do.”
“Having options is awesome and a little scarier than I thought it’d be. I wonder if I need to start thinking about taking the California bar so I can practice there.”
“It wouldn’t be worth it unless you decide to stay.”
“I guess, it’s an option though.”
“Well, I’m going shopping tomorrow for our epic road trip. I’m thinking leggings. Then I need to make playlists for each leg of the trip.”
“Remember my stance on spandex not being an outfit.”
“Clearly you haven’t been in a car for eight hours. Leggings are the perfect outfit. You can build the weather into them. They go with tanks and flip flops, boots and sweaters.”
“If you bend over and your pants become see through I will not be seen with you. This is my immovable position.”
“Whatever asshole.”
“Plus, it’ll be the middle of summer, I’m sure you won’t need boots.” I pop a piece of bread in my mouth. “I can help with the playlists,” I offer.
“No, I don’t want a 90’s R & B playlist. You can pick a few of your favorites and I’ll put them in.”
“You have bad taste…” I wave her off. She actually has better taste than me and does have a point about my borderline obsession with 90’s R & B and Hip Hop. What can I say? It’s not defensible, it just is. It’s something my sister and I share, there isn’t much of that.
My phone buzzes. I look at the screen, speak of the devil. I sigh.
“Hey Cari,” I answer.
She’s into a story about the PTA and her volunteer commitments. I listen for a while and then can’t help myself, I must interrupt. It’s rude, I know. I hate it when people interrupt me, but I can’t listen to her blather on about people I don’t know and don’t give two shits about.
“Cari, I’m having you guys and Mom and Dad over for dinner at 7:30 on Thursday. Does that work for you and Jack?”
She is quiet.
“Cari?”
“Are you sick?” Her voice is quiet.
I burst out laughing. I shouldn’t. I should be mortified that my sister’s first thought about me having my family over for dinner is that I’m sick. I get it.
“No, I’m not sick, but I do have some news I want to share with everyone at the same time.”
“What is it?” She asks immediately.
“Did you not hear the share with everyone at the same time part of that?”
“Are you seriously not going to tell me?”
“Seriously,” I answer.
“You’re an ass.”
“That’s your comeback?”
“Yes.”
“Are you twelve?”
“Thirteen. If I was there I would tickle you and get it out of you asshole.”
“Jackson must not be nearby if you are throwing around such adult words.”
“I’m on the way to the grocery store, I ran out of almond milk.”
“Tragedy,” I joke.
“Maybe I’ll just come over and punch you in the face, and then you’ll tell me.”
“You think you should punch me first?” I ask laughing.
“No, but I probably will anyway.”
“So you think Thursday will work?”
“I’ll check with Jack when I get home, but he’ll be as intrigued as I am as to what gets you to leave work before 8:30.”
“Lo’s in town too,” I comment.
“Oh,” she startles. “I can’t wait to meet her. Is she as pretty in person as she is in pictures?”
“Even more so,” I answer. “She’s not photogenic at all.”
“Oh Gawd, really?”
“Yep.”
“Okay, do you want me to bring anything since I’m at the store now?”
“Lo will get everything. Thanks though.” I am about to hang up. “Hey Cari, I love you.”
There is an audible gasp on the other side of the phone and then a thud. More noises and then Cari’s voice is small. “If you are sick I’m going to kick your ass.” There is more than a pregnant pause. “I love you too.”
She disconnects.
We’re happily dysfunctional.
Chapter Twelve
Playing with Balls
Sipping my second glass of Jameson and ginger ale, I inhale the rosemary that Laura is cooking with in the kitchen. “Is this how dudes live?” I ask but don’t wait on her response. “They have it made.” My bare feet are kicked up on my rustic farm house coffee table, and I’m loung
ing on the couch. Still clad in my dress from work, I kicked my heels off and I’m waiting on my family.
“Yes, I’m pretty sure guys have it better than women in the grand scheme of things. This is not a new thing,” Laura yells from the kitchen.
“I know, I’ve just never experienced it myself. It’s sort of awesome.”
My door opens and Jackson barrels in, Cari and Jack following close behind. “Hello, my favorite sister on the entire planet,” Cari sings. The smirk on her face is a thing of beauty, like she worked on that smirk for hours in the mirror.
“Hey, Magpie.” Jack rubs my head like a pet.
“Laura, it’s so nice to finally meet you in person.” Cari gallops into the kitchen where she sort of tackles Laura. They are similar in body type, Laura is also stupidly skinny. However, with Cari in six inch stack heels for a family dinner and Laura barefoot, Cari looks out of place, like she’s trying too hard. For a few seconds I feel sorry for my sister. I try to think about who her best friend is, but then I realize I have no idea, and it makes me more sad because I should know these things.
“Cari, why are you wearing stripper shoes to my house for dinner?” I get up from the couch and grab my nephew, hugging him while I walk. He’s getting taller and his feet almost touch the floor as I walk awkwardly toward the kitchen.
“Aunt Mag, put me down.” He wriggles all around and I drop him to the floor. He runs toward the hall, but then he stops and turns around. “Can I go play with my balls?”
I really do try to keep a straight face as I look at Jack. At the look on his face, laughter falls out of my mouth. “Yes Jackson, play with your balls all you want and don’t let anyone tell you any different.”
“Thanks,” he says obliviously.
“Hopefully you’ll find someone who will play with your balls,” Jack says to his son’s back, not loud enough for him to hear.
We all laugh.
“Do you really want someone to play with your balls?” Cari asks.
Jack, Laura, and I stop laughing. Awkward.
“I don’t want to know anything about your balls.” I laugh. “And on that note, what can we get you to drink? Laura got several bottles of wine and I have whiskey.”
“Do you have any chardonnay?” Cari asks.
“Yes. I bought Clos Du Val.” Laura pulls the bottle out from the fridge and starts filling Laura’s glass.
“I’ll take a whiskey on the rocks,” Jack gives his order to me. I hold up my glass of whiskey to him in an unspoken toast before I make his drink.
“It smells so good in here,” Cari comments.
“Thanks, I enjoy cooking. It’s not that fun when you’re only cooking for one.” Laura is speaking but not looking at anyone, she’s paying attention to the potatoes.
“No one special for you?” Cari says over her sip of wine.
“Oh there is someone special and he has a huge package,” I answer for Laura.
“You’ve seen his dick?” Cari tries not to spit her wine across the kitchen.
“He sends me naughty pictures on some app that the pic disappears after it’s viewed. He doesn’t know I have an app that automatically makes copies of said naughty pictures.”
“You’re dirty. I like you.” Cari playfully slaps at Laura’s arm. My sister is flirting with my friend. It’s weird.
“Um, I’m going to turn on ESPN or something, my balls are starting to shrivel.” Jack walks over to the couch and falls into it, loosening his tie.
The girls make small talk until there’s a rhythmic knock on the door and my heart constricts. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom, but she makes me lose my shit and my dad’s not much better. I glance at Laura knowing the first five minutes will be the most uncomfortable, and then maybe we’ll get to the good stuff.
Jack gets up and opens the door and my mom charges past him without even acknowledging him.
“Megan, what in the world dear? I had to cancel bridge and everyone kept asking me why, and all I could tell them was that I was having dinner with my absentee daughter.”
“Having dinner with me isn’t a good excuse?” My sarcasm drips from my words.
“Megan, what’s this all about,” my dad asks as he comes into the kitchen and pulls me into a hug.
“Hey Dad,” I whisper near his ear.
“Hey baby girl.” He kisses both of my cheeks. “What is my youngest daughter up to?”
“Your youngest daughter,” I smile and step back, taking in my family, “has big news and needed everyone here to tell you all at once.”
“I think she’s sick,” Cari pipes up. “She’s never this secretive or nice. She told me she loved me the other day.”
Laura sputters laughing, trying to stifle the sound.
I walk over to the table by the door. Picking up four pieces of paper, I inhale deeply then turn around and face them. “Can everyone sit down, please? I’m not sick, by the way.”
“This ought to be interesting,” Jack mutters as he walks over to take Cari’s hand and pulls her into him. Then they walk together to the table and sit down on one side.
“I don’t understand,” my mother babbles as she slinks to the chair next to my dad.
Laura and I stand in front of the table and I start pacing. Laura’s hand on my arm calms me a bit.
I stop pacing. “So, I need you all to look over the documents I’m handing you, and then we’ll talk.”
I pass out the documents to the correct people.
“I, JoAnne Walker agree to…” my mom starts.
“What the fuck is this?” my dad demands, interrupting my mother.
“Mom, Dad, I know this is weird.”
“Giving us confidentiality agreements?” My dad’s voice booms through the house and Jackson comes running into the room.
“What’s wrong?” He runs over and jumps in Cari’s lap.
“Everything’s fine buddy,” I say, trying to comfort him. Walking over to the counter I pull out a bag and give it to him.
“What’s this?” Cari asks.
“Just a little something for Jackson.”
“Megan, why do you want us to sign these?” Jack asks.
“Stickers!” Jackson yells. “Star Lord!” He pulls out the present I bought, well actually Laura bought, for him and starts tearing at the plastic container.
“Okay, so I have to tell you something that is confidential and secret and any other word you want to put on it. I want to tell you, so I need you to sign these documents. Basically what it says is that you agree to not speak a word of this to anyone other than the six people in this room. In doing so you will get a…” I search for the right word.
“Reward,” Laura fills in for me.
“Something like that.” The questions on their faces make me excited. I just want to tell them.
“Jackson, baby, take your new action figure and go into the office,” Cari says, putting him down on his feet. She pats his butt and whispers something in his ear.
He collides with me and hugs me around the waist. “Thank you so much for Star Lord. I love it.”
“You’re welcome.” My eyes follow him as he walks down the hall. His back disappears into the office and I turn back to the table. “Okay, so who’s got the burning desire to sign? You only have to be quiet for a week.” I focus on my mother with my glare.
The paper in front of my dad is pushed away from him, signed.
Cari starts signing hers and then she looks up at me with her eyes narrowed. “This better be good,” she says giving the pen to Jack, who signs and moves both of their agreements to my side of the table.
“Mom?” I look at her expectantly.
“Mother, sign the paper. You can keep your mouth closed for a week.”
“Or,” I jump in, “you’ll forfeit your…”
“Reward,” Laura pipes up again.
“Fine,” my mother moans. “This is all so ridiculous Megan.” She signs and then puts the pen down and looks away from me, like she can�
��t bear to even see my face. I smile.
“So do you want the news or the rewards first?”
“For fuck’s sake,” Laura blurts. “She won the lottery.”
All five of us whip our heads to Laura who’s been standing to my right.
Everyone starts talking at once.
“Damn it Lo, I wanted to tell them.”
“You won the lottery!”
“When!”
“How much?”
I hold my hands up and everyone gets really quiet. “I won 226 million dollars.”
“Holy shit,” my dad yells and stands up quickly.
My mom falls out of her chair with a dramatic moan.
Chapter Thirteen
Save the Drama for
Your Momma
It’s clear that everyone in this room knows my mother so well, no one even moves to help her, except Laura.
“Are you okay?” Laura asks as she kneels down and helps my mother sit up. My mother is fanning herself.
“She’s fine,” my father answers and reaches for my mother’s arm and pulls her up. “I think her mind was spinning at all the attention she’ll be getting from this.”
“Which is why I had everyone sign this document. I don’t want anyone except the people in this room to know anything about the lottery until it’s announced. Okay?” I look each person in the eye. Jack and Cari nod. My father shrugs and leans back in his chair, and my mother refuses to meet my eye. “Mom, come on. It’s a week, and then you can tell whoever you want.”
“Well, I just think it’s crazy you’d make your own family sign one of these.”
“It’s not crazy, she just knows you,” my father comments.
The look my mother gives him could freeze molten lava.
“It’s the truth JoAnne. You know it.”
“Well, I’ve never.”
“Mom, let Megan tell us what’s the point of all this,” Cari interrupts what will be my mother’s tirade about how horrible I am as a daughter.
“I’m trying to get all my ducks in a row before I leave.”
“Leave?” Cari asks, a scowl appearing on her face. Jack takes her hand.
“Yes, I’m leaving next week when the announcement is made.”
“Where are you going?” my father asks, pushing his seat back a bit.
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