“Izzie, you never drink before nightfall during the party,” Kelsey states as if I’m a child.
“Well, usually my ex-fiancé and his soon-to-be bride don’t crash my party, now do they?” My voice is laced with pure anger toward them both, even though I know they couldn’t control the situation.
“No … Usually they don’t,” Leah answers.
“Why are they here?”
“The hell if I know, maybe to drive me mad? Hell, they both have me wishing they were piñatas.”
“Oh … this is not good, Leah,” Kelsey says as she looks at her and then back to me.
Just as she finishes, in comes Dakota with a plateful of food. Securing it onto the counter out of reach, he turns to me. “Izzie, I’ll get rid of the prick if you’d like. Honestly, it’d be my pleasure.”
“No, leave it alone. I welcomed them both, and I pray they’ll only stay for a bit.”
“All you have to do is say the word and I’ll handle it.”
“Look who’s coming to the rescue,” Kelsey states.
“Just drop it, guys,” I instruct as I grab another beer from the fridge. “Dakota, let’s take the food back out, I’d like it placed on the tables with the other food. I’ll let everyone know it’s time to eat.” I walk past them, not wanting to venture into this conversation. I hadn’t explained the market encounter to the girls yet, and I don’t feel like doing so now. I want to enjoy the party while avoiding a few people.
Back outside, with a quick survey of the crowd, relief comes. Everyone is acting as if nothing is happening, and everyone seems to be enjoying themselves.
“Foods ready, you know the drill,” I announce and watch them all hover around the tables. Making sure everyone has their plate full, it’s finally time for me to make mine. With a plate in hand, Dakota fast on my heels, I locate two open chairs next to my friends. As I take my seat, I watch Dakota move toward us. White fitted shirt, navy shorts, and flops. Maybe it’s the sun, but my tongue darts out to dampen my lips.
“Lick those lips again, Izzie, and I’ll show you what you can do with them,” he growls, and my breath quickens at his words.
Stunned that I was caught, I say, “They were dry, don’t flatter yourself there, Dakota.”
He scoots his chair closer to me and leans down so only I can hear him. “Keep ignoring it, pretty lady. You know that since he showed up, I get to play boyfriend again.” It’s almost like a question, but I know it’s a warning. He doesn’t ask, Dakota warns before he does what he wants. Does he get a kick out of rescuing me? It’s just Peter, and I definitely don’t need to be saved from him.
All of a sudden, Peter and Stacey are headed in our direction with chairs and food. Peter positions them next to us, and at this moment, all I can do is laugh it off. It really doesn’t get better than this right here. It’s almost like a TV show, not my life.
Dakota’s getting his plate situated on his lap and hasn’t noticed the reason why I’m laughing like a hyena. My outburst has even made a few others look over to see what’s so funny. Kelsey, Leah, and Joseph are staring like I’ve lost my mind.
Dakota notices the reason behind my outburst and shakes his head at me. Peter assists Stacy as she sits and places her plate into her lap, then he looks over toward us. “You guys need another drink before I sit?”
We all decline his offer, but just as he turns, Dakota pipes up. “Hey, bring her water,” he says as he points to me, and earns the devil eyes. Kelsey nods her head at him in approval.
Ignoring them, I shovel my homemade pasta salad into my mouth, and as soon as the flavor hits my taste buds, a low grown escapes.
“Stop with the groans, Izzie,” Dakota warns.
“What? It’s good and I love my pasta salad. Just wait until you try it. You’ll see.”
“She’s right,” Peter interrupts, putting his two cents into our conversation, “her pasta salad is delicious. The best you’ll ever have. And just so you know, she always groans when she eats it.”
“Isn’t this grand?” I exclaim.
“Your house is lovely, Izzie,” I hear Stacey say.
“Thank you, after we finish, I’ll give you the grand tour of my little cottage.”
“Thanks, that’d be great. I’ve been telling Peter since we arrived that I’d like to purchase a beach house for when we visit his family. It’ll give us a place to stay while in town, maybe vacation here also.”
“Good luck with that.”
“Why do you say that?” Stacey questions.
“Peter hates the beach, plus all the houses are too small for him in this area. Isn’t that right, Peter?
“We could make it work,” he says.
When he answers, my eyes cut in his direction. He hates sand, sun, and anything that you’ll find here. Not responding, my focus goes back to my plate of food. Little groans still escape with each bite, and I laugh, hearing Dakota grumble next to me.
We finish, and Dakota stands to take our plates away. When he passes Kelsey, she motions him over. I’m curious, but not to the point that I feel the need to question it.
“If you’re ready, I’ll give you that tour now.”
“Peter, you’ll join us won’t you?” Stacey asks as if she doesn’t want to be left alone with me.
“Certainly, I’d love to see everything.”
“Not much has changed, Peter, but feel free to tag along. I’ll join you in the sunroom.”
Walking to the cooler, Kelsey approaches me. “Slow down, Izzie. Tonight’s not the night to rehash this with him.”
“Not rehashing anything, I’m fine,” I bark back at her. She’s only looking out for me, but right now it doesn’t matter. He’s in my house, the same one he left me alone in. Not only is he invading my space, she’s with him. What do they expect me to do? I’m not going to flip out and cause a scene, even though I’m sure I could win an Oscar for one. I’m better than this, and I’ll prove just how over him I am. Well, maybe a little over, oh hell, I don’t know.
Peter is so different with her—polite, giving, and willing to live on the beach. It’s like I don’t even know this person who’s inside his body. This is not the Peter I was going to marry.
“Dakota told us you shared some of your story with him before the party. That had to open some wounds. Just … just be you, Izzie.” Kelsey’s voice is filled with concern.
“Don’t worry, I promise to not fall out and start having a meltdown. Go and enjoy yourself while I show them around.”
Guiding Peter and Stacey further into the sunroom, I overhear him explaining the difference in this area. It hits me just how deeply in love with him I was, even when he left. This man standing here knows my buttons, my looks, my taste, my world. What was I thinking? How did I ever think this was a good plan? Swallowing hard, I step forward to make my presence known.
“Izzie, you’ve outdone yourself,” he says, turning to look at me, and I almost think I see regret in his eyes. Then, just as I look again, it’s gone.
“Thank you, I love this.”
“You always did, even before,” he says with sincerity.
My body’s like a statue as time flashes backward. All the times we sat out here watching the sunsets, talking with my dad, planning our wedding. It was a happy time in my life before it crashed into the side of a mountain. Water is building behind my eyes and we need to move before I crack.
“Come on, I’ll show you the inside,” I say, gesturing for them to follow. Nothing’s changed inside much, other than a few decorations and paint. Pointing out a few things here and there to Stacey, I notice Peter has slipped into the living room.
He’s focused on something placed on the mantel. Instantly my feet gravitate toward him. It’s as if my body recognizes him, and just goes on its own.
He turns to face me and points to the grouped photos. “You still have this one?”
Peeking to see which one he’s referencing, I say, “Yes, I love that one of all of us.” It’s a picture of
Kelsey, Leah, Joseph, and us as a couple. We’re on the back deck with the sunset behind us. We’d just got back from a day on the water, everyone’s hair blowing in the wind. Each of us has the biggest smile on our faces. Dad had taken this a week before Peter proposed to me. It’s not perched on the mantel because I need to have a picture of Peter out in the open, it’s because I love the smile I had that day. It’s one of true happiness, the one I’m searching for now.
“Yeah, I remember this day. We had a blast.” He chuckles like he remembers that day just as I do.
Stacey breaks our connection. “Let me see?”
He moves aside, allowing her a better view. The others are of me and my dad, the girls, and Joseph. The mantel is full of captured memories through the years. Recently, I framed one of me and my father. He was having a good day, so we went to sit outside to capture the sunset. Our hands reached for each other as if this would be the last sunset we would ever share. When I think of that day, I remember it was the last one he watched with me. When you look at the picture, all you can see is the backs of our heads, a father and daughter’s gentle embrace of hands, the bright orange, yellow, and blue sky shining in front of us. That was when he told me to never settle, my heart deserved to be put first, that he raised me to love with my whole being, not a fraction of it.
Now, I question if Peter knew what the outcome would be for us. Is that the actual reason he never fought me on moving the date? Why couldn’t he just explain this to me?
“Who’s this?” Stacey asks, pointing to the very picture that has captured my memories.
“Mr. Nichols and Izzie,” Peter explains, looking over at me with a silent understanding.
“Peter, would you like to show Stacy the rest of the place? I really need to get back out and check on my guests.”
“Okay,” he says, but mouths to me behind Stacey, asking me if I’m okay. I nod my head to confirm, but deep down, I’m not. If I don’t get out of this room right now, I’ll lose it.
The emotions that are overtaking my body are ones I’ve not felt before. That day the picture was taken, it was the last time I received guidance as I spent the rest of the time listening to stories of past loves, past heartaches, and never settling. All this time I regretted my choices, second guessed my actions, but why? If I was listening, I would have heard it in the underlying stories. Dad knew that Peter never loved me the way I deserved to be loved. He knew that in the end, he wouldn’t pick me up and protect me the way I needed to be protected. I’m not sure how to take in this new revelation; I just have to accept it.
Stepping out into my sanctuary, I glance around at the freshly painted walls, the decorations, and the people in my back yard. It’s then that I realize he wouldn’t be disappointed with my choice, he’d be happy about it. Dad just didn’t know how to express it.
Now, I’ll need to accept this fact and find the light within the storm that still battles me internally.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
WITH MY NEWFOUND REALIZATION, it was like the rest of the afternoon breezed by as I stayed in a fog. The sun is setting now, and it’s time for all the stragglers that are left to head to the pier. We’ve put away most of the food that will spoil, and tucked away the coolers on the deck. I know Kelsey and Leigh are curious about my quietness, but I’m happy they’ve decided to not ask yet. The day has been packed with happy moments, just as it’s been sad. But when I stop to actually ask myself why I’m sad, I don’t know. These past months, I’ve been angry at the things I couldn’t change, but now, I know I was never going to be able to change them. Peter had made up his mind long before he left, it just took me this long to realize that it wasn’t me. It wasn’t something I could’ve corrected. Now, how to process that is a whole new problem.
“Izzie, we need to get moving if we want a good spot,” Kelsey says as she peeks her head through the back door.
“Let me grab my stuff and I’m ready.” As I throw some water, and a few other drinks into the soft-sided cooler, I notice Dakota in deep conversation with Kelsey. It seems that every time I turn around they’re discussing something. Being too numb to deal or figure them out, I let it go for another day.
Slinging the strap for the cooler over my shoulder, I pick up my chair and head out toward my group of friends. “Who’s ready?”
“Let me carry that for you,” Dakota says as he reaches for my belongings, and I don’t correct him. I could, but I’ll allow him to carry the heavy items for me. If I try to do it myself, it would only end in him being stern about it, so why fight it?
In a line, we all head down toward the shore. The group has shrunk throughout the day, the elders having retired to their homes for the night. Some of the others will gather around later in the evening. Our intimate group consist of Kelsey, Leah, Joseph, Dakota, Peter, Stacey, and me. Why Peter feels that he needs to tag along for this beats the hell out of me. He could’ve just showed up later. His presence is pushing me to a limit that I’m afraid I’m not going to bring myself back from. I’ve watched them all day today, snuggling, kissing, and being that couple you stick your finger down your throat at while making gagging sounds.
This isn’t him. This isn’t the person I was with all those years.
Is it all for show?
I fall behind the group and move closer to the waterline. I kick the shallow water while walking. Crossing my arms over my chest, I glance up in front of me to observe my friends. It’s like an out of body experience—is this what they would do if I weren't here? They’re laughing, kicking the sand at each other, while some walk hand-in-hand along the way. It’s strange when you stop and think about life. Think of how others would carry on without you here. Stopping dead in my tracks, I turn to look out over the ocean. Why am I even thinking about this? I question myself. I’m not sure how long I’ve been standing here thinking until the light touch of his hand caresses my bare shoulder.
“It’s a beautiful night, huh?”
“It is.”
“You know I had to backtrack to come get you. What’s on your mind?”
I drag my lower lip in between my teeth and try to figure out if I should say anything. Deciding that I’ve already spilled most of my story to him today, I open up once again to the man who has weaseled his way into my life. “I realized something today, and I’m not sure what to think, Dakota. Does that make me crazy?”
“Probably not, but you going to share?”
“This whole time I’ve been processing what I did wrong, why he couldn’t love me enough to stay. On top of all that, I beat myself up over moving the wedding date. You know, about not having my father walk me down the aisle before it was too late. Those kind of things and today, standing in my living room, it hit me. It wasn’t me. Peter never loved me like I did him, and my father knew that. He wasn’t upset, he just didn’t know how to express it to me.”
“That’s a lot to figure out in one day, especially for you. My offer still stands, you know. I’d love to put him in his place for you.”
Just as Dakota finishes and my head turns his way, I catch that cocky smirk he’s always wearing. “Where did you come from? How in the name of all did you end up in the vacant house next to me?”
“Already explained most of that to you, the rest is for a later conversation. How about let’s catch up with the others?”
“You confuse me more than I’ve ever been before, and you better get me to the pier before Kelsey comes looking for me.”
“She knows you’re in the right hands.” And just like that he grabs my hand and wraps his fingers into mine. As we walk the rest of the way, he allows me this moment of silence. It’s welcomed and refreshing, as I'm always used to people pushing. Dakota listens but gives me what I need and that’s the thing that scares me. Here’s this great guy who won’t take my crap and gives back just as good as I can give. What do I do with that? Do I submit to these feelings and allow him in? What if I do and he crushes what is left of my heart? There’s not only this internal battle
that plays against my soul, but my heart is also struggling.
Tonight I’ll let go, but only for this evening. I’m not fueling Peter’s belief that I’m really broken.
Spotting our group, we head over and set up our chairs. After a few greetings from a group that wasn’t able to join the party today, I make myself comfortable next to Kelsey and Dakota.
“He’s nice, Izzie,” she says, her eyes focused forward on someone.
“He is, and who are you undressing?”
“Just looking, and you need to give it a try, he might be the one.”
“I’m thinking about it, but I’m sure he’s not the one. Maybe a summer fling, but not the forever type.”
“What makes you think he’s not the forever kind of guy? I happen to think otherwise.”
“You would, and I don’t know anything about him. How about let me have tonight and then tomorrow we’ll reconvene?”
“Deal, but can you explain to me why Peter is still around and what is he doing?”
Just as I take a drink and glance over in his direction, I’m able to witness him stalking back toward Stacey. As he gestures for her hand, I hear the soft tempo play from the speakers around us. Stacey stands, places her hand in his, and turns toward us. “He loves this song. It was the one he proposed to me with. Isn’t he sweet?” she states, and they are off.
I know the song by the beat before I even hear the words. It’s like someone just stabbed me in the chest a million times over. A lone tear escapes from the corner of my eye and I quickly wipe the evidence away.
With a clearing of his throat, Dakota is standing in front of me, his hand waiting for me to take it. I don’t hesitate; I allow him to pull me up and toward the dance floor. With the voice of Norah Jones singing “Come Away With Me,” he twirls me once and then jerks me into his hard body.
Lowering my head to his shoulder, I wrap my arms around his neck and breathe in deeply as I close my eyes. His arms grip tightly around my waist, almost as if he expects me to run away. Swaying to the song together, it’s like we are one and his arms around me are comforting.
Fading Memories Page 10