by Vox Day
“Tessa, what is it?” He forced himself to remain calm, to keep his voice steady. “Is something wrong?”
“I’m a horrible, awful, person,” Tessa burst out unexpectedly, shaking her head. “I can’t believe this, I really can’t, but there’s just nothing I can do about it.”
“What… no you’re not! What are you talking about?”
She was wearing a man’s blue pinstripe oxford shirt, he suddenly noticed, that was far too large for her. It hung loosely open over a white scoop-neck t-shirt, and the sleeves were rolled up to her elbows. It looked pretty worn—probably her dad’s shirt, he surmised. And she wasn’t wearing a bra either, he saw as she took a deep breath. It was weird. He felt as if time had slowed, that he had just stepped outside of his body and was watching her from somewhere far away.
“Brien, I’m really sorry, but I just started seeing somebody this weekend.” He watched her lips move, and heard the words she spoke, but they seemed to rattle around uselessly inside his head making it impossible to understand their meaning. “I mean, I know it’s really, really bad timing and all, but it’s like, I guess I’m kind of involved with him now, so I don’t think it would be right for us to, you know, go to the prom now.”
“You’re saying you don’t want to go with me?” Brien said, stunned. “Is that it?”
“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I can’t. I… I can’t. I’m really sorry.”
She couldn’t look at him. She looked at her shoes, the floor, the stairs, anywhere but at him.
“The party,” Brien said dully, shaking his head. “It was the party, wasn’t it.”
Her head snapped up, and her eyes blazed indignantly at him. He took an inadvertent step backward, surprised.
“That has nothing to do with it, Brien, all right? Look, I’m very sorry about everything, because you’re a nice guy and you deserve better than this. But what am I supposed to do? You tell me! I can’t exactly blow off my new boyfriend, can I!”
The anger faded from her eyes now as they pleaded wordlessly with him, begging for, if not understanding, at least a degree of sympathy. And to a certain extent he did understand. As much as he didn’t want to, he did. Girls like her weren’t for guys like him, it was as simple as that. It was the one certain law of the universe. What had happened two days ago was just an aberration, that one magical afternoon was the exception that proved the rule.
Who is he, he wanted to scream at her. Is he so much better than me? Will he love you the way that I wanted to love you? Will he hold you up on a pedestal and worship you like the goddess I thought you were? He won’t. He can’t. But who is he? Who is he!
The bell rang, interrupting the desperate flow of thoughts through his mind. Although for a moment, he’d been conscious of nothing but Tessa, the rush of bodies and the slamming of lockers abruptly brought him back to reality.
“I should probably go,” Tessa said, clearly relieved by the excuse offered to her. “Look, it’s not like you won’t be able to find a date. I mean, Jennifer said she thinks you’re cute, and Mandy’s boyfriend is in college, so there’s no way he’s going. If you want to take either of them….”
Brien folded his arms, and her eyes widened as he frowned scornfully at her. He glared at her as if his eyes could throw flames, and she was a figure made of wax. She melted in stature, becoming petty and small, shrinking even as he looked at her.
“I never, ever, wanted to go with anyone but you, Tessa,” he told her with bitter truthfulness, before turning his back on her.
Fortunately for his dignity, he managed stalk angrily around the corner before the full impact of her careless rejection struck him and he went weak at the knees. As he leaned on a nearby locker for support, he could feel an titanic wave of hatred and shame and self-loathing crashing over him, smashing to bits the delicate castle of self-confidence that he had built within him over the last two weeks.
As the last shards of his ego were flayed painfully away, something stirred inside him, a whisper that was new to him and yet ancient. You will have your day, it promised. Soon, your day will come. Without realizing it, he caressed his new tattoo. The mark of the beast was hot to the touch, and its red eyes gleamed with anticipation.
Considering that it was a Monday, Jami was surprised at how swiftly the first four hours of the day flew past. Clearly word about her upcoming date with Jason had gotten around, because she had quickly become the subject of more than a few whispered conversations and admiring looks. That was all right, but she couldn’t believe some of the nasty comments some of the would-be popular girls were making about her, especially when they did it right in front of her.
Actually, right behind her would be a more accurate way of putting it. Just after social studies had ended, she’d been cutting through the library on her way to the lunchroom, and happened to see Stephanie Redman and Brittany Williams talking near the water fountain. She smiled and said hello, and they both said a friendly hello back to her, but just as she passed them, she clearly heard Stephanie say:
“I heard she puts out even faster than her sister. That’s why the seniors like them so much.”
Jami could feel the blood rushing to her face. She wanted to turn around and confront Stephanie, but she couldn’t think of anything to say and she didn’t want to risk the chance of losing her temper completely and socking the lying bitch. She hadn’t done anything at the party, anything at all! She glared furiously at her feet, refusing to look up at anyone, knowing that half of the faces smiling at her would be sticking their knives into her as soon as her back was turned. It was so unfair!
She reached the cafeteria and slammed her books down onto the table where Rachel and Angie were sitting. The loud report made both of them jump, and almost brought a smile to her face. Almost, but not quite.
“Do you know what they’re saying about me? Do you?”
“What’s the matter, sweetie?” Rachel was sympathetic, but Angie only grinned like a madwoman.
“So did you hear the one about you and Holli getting it on with Jason, Eric, and Mike Elstrom? That’s my favorite one so far. Although the story about you messing around with Jim Thorne in his car right in front of Jason’s house was pretty good too.”
“Doesn’t anyone at this stupid school have anything better to do than talk about me?” Jami wailed. “I didn’t do anything! Jason asked me to the prom and I didn’t even kiss him!”
“I’ll bet that’s ‘cos he didn’t try,” Angie guessed shrewdly, with a wicked smile on her face.
Jami made a face at her, as Rachel patted her hand softly.
“They’re just jealous of you, girlfriend. It’s bad enough that Holli gets all the attention, but everyone’s used to that. I remember when Brien Falardeau kept trying to kiss her on the playground in first grade. Remember him? He was always chasing her, and we’d all run away screaming, and then he’d catch her and kiss her on the top of the head.”
“What a fruitcake,” Angie commented. “Who are you talking about? He must have left before I got here.”
“His family moved to Colorado or something in seventh grade,” Jami shrugged. “Okay, Rache, you say they’re all used to Holli, so she’s all right. But I’m not?”
“Oh, come on, Jami. It’s not like Holli always has it easy either. She just takes it better than you, because she knows you can’t be popular without everybody hating you. It’s just no big deal for her, it’s like, she’d probably think something was wrong if people like Sue Morelli and Bridget Richter started being nice all of a sudden. I mean, really nice, not that fakey-fake stuff.”
“Not to mention Stephanie Redman,” Jami muttered bitterly.
“Steph? Oh, who cares what she says anyways,” Angie waved her hand dismissively. “Whatever. The thing is, I heard some really interesting stuff about this one girl who was seen disappearing with the only sophomore at the party….”
Rachel blushed, and Jami couldn’t help laughing as Angie grinned at her with
an unrepentantly mischievous smile.
“Can I get a whoo-whoo?” Angie sang happily as Rachel made a half-hearted attempt to slide under the table. “Can I get a wha-wha? So tell us what happened, fly girl.”
“Nothing!”
Rachel was insistent in her protests, but Jami didn’t believe her for a second. Her pretty face was far too red, and she was way too reluctant to look directly at either of them for her to be telling the truth. Angie clearly didn’t believe her either, and she cross-examined the pretty brown-haired girl as relentlessly as if they were in court and she was the prosecuting attorney.
“You might as well admit it, Rachel. Christopher already told Jami everything, didn’t he, Jami.”
“Actually, he didn’t say anything,” Jami had to reassure her friend.
“Shut up, Jami!” Angie ordered. “So you’re saying the two of you had to leave a perfectly good party for forty-five minutes, just because you felt like a little stroll? I don’t think so, babe. Just tell us, was there some quality smooching going on or did he chicken out?”
“I’m not telling you anything,” Rachel said defiantly. “So there!”
Angie’s eyebrows rose as her friend’s face turned an even deeper shade of red, and she glanced at Jami.
“Well, what do you know?” She laughed, but not cruelly. “Oh, come on, you have to at least tell us if he’s a good kisser or not.”
“Actually, you don’t,” Jami said, shuddering theatrically and putting her hands over her ears. Secretly, though, she was pleased that Rachel had hit it off so well with her brother. They made a cute couple.
“All right, all right,” Angie waved off her inquisition. “Anyhow, Rachel, you know I’ll get it out of you sooner or later. But guess what? Remember that girl in the white dress? The one we saw with Jim Schumacher? I found out who she is! Molly Nelson knows her and she’s a senior, her name’s Theresa, no wait, it’s something else. Tessa, that’s it. Tessa Fenchurch! She’s the one who was getting all hot and heavy with Jim at the party!”
Jami was intent on listening to Angie’s exuberant gossip, and she didn’t notice as the heavyset boy who was sitting at the next table eating lunch by himself turned as white as a ghost. She did hear a loud scraping noise as a nearby chair was pushed away from a table, but she paid it no attention. A moment later, she had completely forgotten it, just one of the ten thousand unremarkable little things that happen all around you every day.
Brien was in pain. Actual physical pain. He wanted to throw up, burst into tears and collapse screaming on the ground, and kill himself, all at the same time. Filling his mind like a bad horror movie was the unescapable image of Tessa, with her velvety, sweet-smelling, barely tanned skin, locked in a passionate embrace with Jim Schumacher. Jim fucking Schumacher! How could she go for him, of all people, the slut? Was it his pointless sadism that she particularly got off on, or his stupid, vicious laugh? Or was it the cruel look of bestial emptiness that filled his eyes like a junkyard dog looking for something to lift its leg on?
Even Kent Peterson would have been more tolerable. Peterson was an evil bully, a nasty, twisted asshole with a Napoleon complex, and in a just universe, there was no question that he would have been struck dead by lightning years ago. But at least Peterson was his own guy, whereas Schumacher was just a follower, a mindless loser who couldn’t even think up his own acts of senseless malice. The thought that Tessa had chosen someone like Jim Schumacher over him was unbearable.
The worst thing was that it wasn’t even as if Tessa didn’t know that he wanted her. For three years he’d waited for the right moment to let her know his secret, and she’d then she’d trashed his entire world in thirty seconds. He could still see how she wouldn’t meet his eyes, how her feet were fidgeting the whole time they were talking there in front of her locker. And telling him to take her fat friend—the girl would look like an overstuffed hippopotamus in a prom dress! All this just so she’d be free to get busy with Jim in a hotel room somewhere! The mental picture of the two of them together filled him with agony.
It was at that moment that Brien decided he didn’t want to live anymore. If this was all that life had to offer, nothing but humiliation, failure, rejection, and pain, then he didn’t want any part of it. No matter what lay waiting on the other side, it had to be better than this. It certainly couldn’t get any worse. Exactly how and when he’d bag the whole stinking mess, he didn’t know. But he didn’t want to be here anymore, of that he was sure. Not in school, and not on this planet. Shaken to the very core of his being, Brien made his way through the parking lot to his car with all the shambling grace of a recently unearthed zombie. Another visit to the good doctor was in order.
Chapter 24
Ctrl-Alt-Delete
Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
—Linkin Park, (“One Step Closer”)
The rat-tat-tat of machine gun fire was the first thing he heard as he approached Derek’s door. There was another burst, then a moment’s pause broken only by the garish pounding of Skinny Puppy, followed by a massive explosion.
“Take that, motherfucker!” he heard Derek shrieking. “Who’s your daddy! Who’s your fucking daddy!”
“Hey!”
Brien had to shout. Derek had his massive speakers cranked up to full volume, with the sound effects set up to overpower the crunching evil that was emanating from the CD player.
Derek hit escape to pause the game, and the sudden onrush of relative quiet made Brien feel like he’d lost his balance. It was like having a rug jerked out from under your feet.
“Whoa, dude, don’t bring me down like that,” he said, extending his arms and pretending to stagger. He’d come to his senses on the way over, and although he was still determined to hit the bong so hard that he’d come close to reaching exit velocity, he didn’t actually feel like steering his car into the path of a semi anymore. The thought had crossed his mind, of course, but now the idea of steering it right over Jim Schumacher’s body had even more appeal.
“So what are you doing here?” Derek asked, turning around carefully. “It’s not even sixth hour.”
Brien winced at the sight of his friend’s face. The whole right side was puffy and swollen, and his right eye was a grotesque mass of purple and black tissue. It was barely open; there was just the merest slit through which he could see. There was a thin crusting of blood around one of his nostrils, and his lips were split in several places. He looked as if he’d been playing football without wearing a helmet.
“How’re the ribs?”
Derek shrugged.
“They don’t hurt so bad now. The doctor taped them, but I took it off yesterday. I took a shower, and the sticky stuff started to get pretty gnarly. It’s mainly my damn nose that hurts. Dr. McElfresh straightened it out okay, but man, it hurt like a son of a bitch when he popped it back in place. Everything looks bad now, but he says I’ll heal all right. No scars.”
“That’s good.”
Derek squinted with his one good eye.
“You still haven’t answered my question, dude. What’s going on?”
“Oh, nothing,” Brien muttered, avoiding his friend’s searching stare. “It’s just that I found out something….”
“Yeah?”
There was a long, uncomfortable silence. Derek folded his arms and said nothing, he simply sat there, waiting patiently. Finally, Brien couldn’t stand it any longer.
“I still can’t believe it. Tessa messed around with Jim Schumacher at Jason Case’s party last Saturday. She’s blowing me off for the prom so she can go with him.”
Now it was Derek’s turn to wince.
“Damn, she did what! Schumacher? You kidding me?”
“I wish I was,” Brien shook his head miserably. “I don’t who I want to kill more, him or her.”
Derek shook his head.
“Him, dude, definitely him. That bastard’s pretty c
lose to the top of my list too. Hey, you don’t think he knew, do you, and did it on purpose?”
“Knew what?”
“About you and Tessa?”
Brien stepped back, unable to imagine how purely evil you would have to be just to think up such a petty, malicious act. Was it possible that Shumacher had somehow heard about him taking Tessa to the prom and had decided to step in for the sheer pleasure of screwing things up? No, he decided finally, Schumacher was a disgusting lowlife, several steps down on the evolutionary ladder, but he was no doubt innocent by reason of stupidity. Kent Peterson might possibly be capable of coming up with such a monstrous plan, but if he had, there was no way he would have foregone the pleasure of seducing Tessa himself.
After all, if the dumb slut was willing to put out for Schumacher, she’d do it for anybody. Except him, of course, damn it! No, the more he thought about it, the more he realized that the whole idiotic thing was simply accidental. It was the worst fucking luck in the entire history of human existence, of course, but it was still nothing but bad luck.
“Here, this’ll make you feel better.”
Derek had gotten out of his chair and was offering it to him.
“What is it?” Brien asked as he sat down in front of the computer. “Looks like a new Quake mod… hey, it’s that one of the school you were working on!”
Derek rubbed his hands together. With a mad grin on his beaten, discolored face, he looked like some kind of crazed fiend just escaped from one of Dante’s lower circles.
“This morning I scanned in some of the pictures from last year’s yearbook. Check out who you’re blowing away!”
Brien studied the frozen screen. It was hard to recognize at first, as the bitmap stretched over the 3D model distorted the image somewhat, but as he looked closer, he saw that the figure in the foreground which was about to be eviscerated by the flechette blast from Derek’s upraised needle gun had the face of Kent Peterson.