“Where will the Cleansing be held today?” he asked.
I’d assumed we’d be going back to Tingrad, but it was not the case.
“We have half a day’s ride to Prague. The inhabitants call it Podge now since they know no better.”
Tiber snorted, but I failed to see what was so funny.
“We’ll be spending the night there in a lovely apartment overlooking the city.”
It occurred to me I was now the member of an Envoy like the one sent to murder Kinder and me many months ago. Every part of me longed to scream, “No!”
“The Cleansing will be tonight. Each of you will have a role to play. How you perform will have bearing on your status amongst the Reticents.”
Anders stared directly at me, as if I cared whether I had status amongst the Reticents or not. I’d rather be a prince among lepers. I nodded just to get those eyes off me.
In awhile, the chitchat died down. Anders dozed off. Tiber may have glared at me, but I paid him no mind. Instead, I watched the countryside outside the coach as it changed from forest to open grasslands with rolling hills and the occasional dilapidated farmhouse. I’d never been to Prague before, but I knew from the downloads that it was once a large, beautiful city on the banks of the Danube River. I wondered how many people lived there now, but mostly I imagined escaping.
All the scenarios I envisioned were only Alana and me, to hell with Kinder. What had he been doing all this time, pretending to be from the East when he was a Reticent all along? He wasn’t Anders’s friend, and he wasn’t mine. I half expected him to be gone with Alana when we got back from this errand. That was how little I trusted him. I’d found the centrifuges. He probably didn’t need me for anything else.
I didn’t want to think about him anymore, so I closed my eyes and imagined how Alana felt next to me, the sweet smell of her hair and the salty taste of her lips. She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever known, and I had worked hard to memorize every part of her in case I ever lost her again. Her skin felt soft and smooth as the rose petals I’d once touched in a garden as a child, except for the uneven burn on one side of her face. Even that I loved. I loved the way her body fit into every part of me perfectly, as if we were made as one being. She was like no one else.
Anders was right about one thing, the apartment was lovely, but it was more like a palace. The windows faced west, giving us a view of the sunset over the ancient city while we ate a rather lavish meal of lamb and eggplant. The apartment was staffed by Reticents and appeared to be used quite often. I forced my food down without an appetite. I wasn’t so sure I wouldn’t lose it later. Mother’s Love flamed orange across the sky, more brilliant as the night closed in. How could I do this?
A growing terror crept into my skull and took root in my chest. Thankfully, Anders didn’t mention Stef during the meal. When he finished the last drop of his ruby wine, he said, “Time for you to get dressed. Meet me downstairs when you’re ready.”
We stood as he left the table. Through the window, the bonfire in the street down below us already burned bright. The servants moved to clear the table as Tiber approached me to look at the fire as well.
“You should have killed her that day in the woods,” he whispered to me.
“I don’t kill.”
“You do today,” he reminded me with a smile. “It’s not hard, but if anyone can screw it up, it’d be you.”
I turned my eyes from the fire to his grotesque face.
“Don’t mess up, or you’ll end up in a Cleansing yourself.”
Tiber whacked me on the back in a gesture that was half friendly, half threatening. I couldn’t stop myself from lashing out.
“If I did choose to kill someone, it’d be you.”
Tiber pretended to be shocked, clutching his chest. “Oh my! I’m so frightened.” He laughed as he left for his room. I felt for the pin still safe in my cloak and wished for the strength to do this.
“Mother Sun, help me … please let this work.”
I hurried to the bedroom I’d been assigned and pulled on the long pointed ceremonial hood Anders expected us to wear. It reminded me of Alana’s billa. Could she see as little in that as I saw now? Perhaps it’d be like blinders on a horse. The less I could see of the crowd and the fire, the better. I moved Alana’s pin to the hem of my sleeve, closer to my hand. Tiber and I were bringing her out. If anyone caught sight of my pin, it’d be Tiber, not a person who’d keep quiet. Luckily, I’d stolen a few things in my time. My sleight of hand would serve me well in that regard.
I took the wide staircase down to the grand entrance where Anders and Tiber were talking in hushed voices. Anders looked up at me on the steps.
“What kept you?”
“Um, sorry. It’s hard to see with this hood on.”
“You’ll be glad for it when you’re close to the flames. It’s fireproof.”
We followed Anders silently to the basement. The noise of the bonfire and the crowd outside couldn’t penetrate the building, but I knew it grew. A strangely familiar man with pointed teeth met us in the hall.
“Weevil will help you prepare the girl to be cleansed and get her outside. I’ll summon you thusly to bring her forward.” Anders made a beckoning motion with his arm. “Any questions, ask Weevil,” he said as he left.
“Come on,” said Weevil, as if the whole exercise bored him.
I remembered Alana’s fear of this man. She’d told me of him months ago, back in Roma. He unlocked a door with a silver key, and we followed him inside.
“Wake up, sunshine,” said Weevil. He kicked the foot of the bed Stef lay on. At least I thought it was Stef. She was now bald, stick-thin, and pale as the snow outside. Perhaps what we were about to do was a mercy. She didn’t move.
“He said get up!” screamed Tiber, tearing off her thin blanket to expose her half-naked body. Stef flinched, her eyes clamped shut. I drilled my fist as hard as I could into the back of Tiber’s head, knocking him to his knees. He was up and after me in seconds, ramming me into the furniture and forcing the air from my lungs. The only thing that saved me was Weevil’s grip on Tiber’s arm. He jerked Tiber off me and shoved him into the hall.
“You! Outside!” Weevil roared, slamming the door behind him. “You! Get up and help her dress.”
I couldn’t believe my luck. Should I do it now? What did Alana say about the drug? How long would it last? Was it too soon? Or would they become suspicious if she slipped into a comatose state? I leaned over the bed and touched her frail arm.
“Stef? Are you awake?”
Her eyelids fluttered and then opened. “Recks?”
My hood had fallen off in my struggle with Tiber and lay on the floor somewhere. I don’t think she was supposed to see me, but I didn’t care.
“Yes, it’s me.” I hated to admit it.
“Has something happened?” The hope in her eyes cut me deep.
“No, it’s time to go.”
I picked up the white robes Weevil threw on the foot of the bed for her and held them up to create a screen for her. Weevil had no right to look upon her. She might be dead already, but he had no right to her dignity. None of us did.
“Help me,” she whispered, reaching up to my neck. I let her hang on to me to pull herself up as I draped the robe around her, helping her find the armholes. I slipped my drugged needle from my sleeve and pricked the skin over her heart.
She didn’t react, but she looked up at me with questions in her eyes.
“It’ll be all right,” I reassured her, putting the pin back in its hiding place and fastening the front of her robe. Weevil hadn’t noticed a thing. “Are there shoes for her?” I asked.
“No shoes.”
I winced thinking of the icy streets outside, but then I remembered she wouldn’t feel any of it thanks to Alana. “All right. She’s ready then.”
Weevil opened the door. “You’ll have to carry her out. She can’t stand. There’s a lit
ter outside for you two to carry her on. No more fighting or Anders will have my hide. And yours.”
He directed that last bit at Tiber, who’d waited as instructed. He stood outside glowering at the three of us as if we’d betrayed him terribly. I wasn’t about to let him touch Stef. I scooped her up in my arms. She weighed so little; I barely felt her leaning against my shoulder. I pinched her leg, but she didn’t flinch. I hoped the drug worked already. It had to. I couldn’t bear it otherwise.
Outside the sun had set, and it was very dark in the alley where we loaded Stef onto the litter behind the building. I shivered in the wind despite my heavy wool robes. Stef was completely still, and I knew Alana’s drug had worked for sure.
Stef didn’t struggle or cry, but her eyes, brimming with tears, followed me everywhere. She gripped my hand as Tiber strapped her down. She didn’t speak, her movements extremely small and slow, but when her lips moved I thought they formed the words “thank you.”
I squeezed her hand to reassure her. Weevil grabbed my arm to get my attention and handed me the hood I’d dropped.
“Put this on. It’s nearly time.”
I took it, but my eyes never left Stef’s.
“I’m sorry,” I mouthed before putting on the hood.
She closed her dark eyes for the last time, as if she were falling asleep, and never opened them again. Tiber and Weevil paid no attention as we moved into the darkness toward the bonfire. The crowd hadn’t seen us yet, but their shouts already deafened me. My heart hammered against my ribs in time with the rhythm of their collective pounding roar.
Anders gestured and shouted on the platform above them, but I couldn’t hear a word. For that I was grateful.
Stef didn’t add much weight to the litter. I let Tiber take the front since he was so keen on going. I could pretend I was somewhere else, follow blindly without paying attention. Anders grinned at me as we climbed the steps of the platform. This was my punishment; Tiber’s reward. Physical torture broke Tiber. Anders planned mental torture to break me, I knew that now.
He knew best how to cut each person so it hurt the worst. I hated him, hated what my life had become. Had every Reticent been trained this way? Did Bane do this?
Alana told me to try to escape. Maybe I could and get her out of Gora somehow, but I couldn’t think of any way to manage it. To run now meant never seeing her again. I was sure of that.
The screams of the faithful enveloped us now, drowning out every other noise. Stef squeezed her eyes shut even tighter. She heard the noise around us. I hoped she wasn’t afraid, that she understood the pin would help her.
We reached Anders and stood Stef up next to him the way we’d been instructed. Strapped to the litter, she couldn’t move, but her head dropped to her chest. Anders didn’t seem to think anything of it. He raised his arms to the crowd.
“Oh, Sinner! Your hour has arrived! Let Mother Sun cleanse you in her eternal fires. May you join her forever.”
Tiber pushed Stef toward the fire. I released her and let him finish the deed. Safe inside my hood, I shut my eyes. The screaming of the crowd, which I didn’t think could’ve been any louder, rose to a crescendo. These people didn’t care about the worship of Mother Sun. They were animals thirsting for blood, and Anders fed them. In that moment, I wished with all my heart that Mother Sun had destroyed humankind forever.
I didn’t sleep that night except for a few fitful minutes here and there; and when I did, my dreams were filled with sickening images of pale, burning flesh. I was thankful for the morning only because it meant we’d be traveling back to Gora Compound. I longed for the day this would be a distant memory.
We boarded the coach in silence. Anders seemed uninterested in conversation, and Tiber looked like he’d spent the night downing the remaining wine from our dinner. He leaned against the side of the coach and snored. I watched the scenery go by until my eyelids drooped too.
At midday, we stopped at a roadside tavern to stretch and have a bite to eat. They served fresh-slaughtered chicken, probably the last hen they had. The tavern owner doted on us, ordering his pitiful wives around to wait on our every need. Didn’t they know we were murderers? Couldn’t anyone see what utter nonsense the Reticents preached?
I picked at the food given to me, but I had no interest in eating.
“You don’t like it?” the worried owner asked me.
“It’s fine,” I assured him.
“Where’s your appetite, Recks?” asked Anders.
“He left it in Prague.” Tiber snickered at his own joke. He wolfed down his food with no trouble, demanding more tea.
“Something is on your mind, Recks. Out with it,” insisted Anders. I should’ve known better than to tell him my thoughts, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“Have you ever wondered if there might be a better way to lead the people?” I asked.
“Better than what?”
“Better than executing them?”
Anders set his teacup carefully on the table and placed his hand down next to it. He looked intently at me, waiting for further explanation.
“I mean, if the Reticents could help people with their basic needs, teach them how to support their families, wouldn’t they be more loyal?”
“Mother Sun made us the Secret Keepers for a reason. Only us.”
But I knew, thanks to Master Bane, that Mother Sun was just a flaming gas ball in space like billions of other stars. There was no magical Mother to fear. Why did Anders insist there was? I watched his papery skin flush purple in cold, uncontained rage.
“When did Mother Sun say we should murder people in her name?”
Anders’s glower intensified, but his voice was clear and controlled. “This meal is over,” he declared and left the table without another word.
“Nice job, fool,” Tiber said to me, getting up from the table. “Destroying yourself saves me the trouble.”
I thanked the tavern owner for the meal since no one else had bothered. He stood wide-eyed, having heard every word of our conversation.
“Thank you, Master Recks, for your kindness,” he said, kissing my knuckles as if I were someone important.
“Don’t thank me. I haven’t done anything worthy of thanks.” I bid him farewell and followed Tiber outside.
Anders was already in the coach, but Tiber and Weevil stood on either side of the door waiting for me. They seized me by the arms and pulled me toward the coach while Anders watched from the window.
“I had high hopes for you. Above average intelligence, high memory capacity. It’s a shame you haven’t been able to learn discipline.”
What’s happening?
“I’ll try to do better, Master,” I said.
“The time for that is through. Take his robe. You’re no Reticent.”
Tiber ripped off my red robe with Alana’s pin still buried in the seam. The winter cold stung me without the cloak.
I’m not going back, my mind screamed at me. I’m not going back! I struggled out of Weevil’s grasp and ran toward the coach.
“Master! Wait!”
I couldn’t be left here. I had to get back. I couldn’t leave Alana alone in that horrible place. I’d ruined everything. Tiber grabbed the back of my thin shirt and yanked me with enough force that I stumbled on the icy snow. I fell on my back, the blow knocking out my breath. Unable to speak, I lay there gasping. Mother’s Love was a bloody red. The forest around us seemed on fire.
“Leave him, Tiber. Weevil will finish him,” said Anders, opening the door of the coach and inviting him inside. Tiber hesitated. He wanted to beat me himself, but he wouldn’t disobey. Instead, he raised his knee to kick me in the ribs. I was ready though. I grabbed his foot and rolled, knocking him off balance. When he was on the ground with me, I punched his ugly face until Weevil dragged me off by my hair. I saw a bloodied, disheveled Tiber retreat to the carriage out of the corner of my eye just before Weevil leveled his baton at me. The electr
ical jolt drilled into my brain, and my world went black.
I waited by the window in the library that looked out over the road to Prague until I thought I might go mad from worry and fear. I hugged my robes tighter around myself, the cold from the window seeping into my bones. I distracted myself with library cataloging a few times, but it was of little use. No matter how much I hoped, I had a terrible feeling Recks was in danger. We all were; it was only a matter of time.
I wasn’t all that surprised when only two red-robed figures got out of the coach in the courtyard below, but I was terrified. I pushed my face against the glass, squinting against the darkness to be sure. Neither of the men was Recks. The coach Weevil usually drove was not with them either. I cursed myself for the pin. He must’ve been caught with the analgesic. Could he have escaped?
It seemed unlikely given Anders’s calm demeanor. His stride was resolute but not urgent. What does he know? He could know everything or nothing. I tried to fight the panic I felt. I knew what we had to do. I just didn’t want to believe it. I’d been dreading this day for months. Only the thought of facing it with Recks made it bearable, and now he was gone again.
When I first found myself alone here, nothing could console me. I never wanted to cease to exist so much in my life, but I came to realize I wouldn’t go back into slavery if I could prove my worth. I’d gotten past the gate—something precious few ever did.
And when I saw Recks in the gymnasium that day, the day I failed my obstacle test, my heart came alive again. I’d been truly dead inside, the shell of a house with no hearth within. Now all that was taken from me again, threatening to plunge me into a darkness from which I’d never emerge.
I knew everything there was to know in the world; and yet, I couldn’t control my emotions. Kinder lectured me many times on the importance of this.
“Let there be no love, no sign of wanting in your heart. No good can come of it,” he said.
But he was wrong. Love was the only good thing worth having in the world. It was worth risking all else. Kinder had never known love obviously. How could he be expected to understand? And so I would nod and say, “Yes, Master,” knowing all the while he was a fool.
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