“I was exhausted,” Gretchen said. “Then we had to deal with transferring the kids from Steve to me.”
Gretchen looked at Steve.
“If there is anything you want to know about the trip, ask me,” she said.
“Did you have a good time?” Steve asked.
“Some of it was good and some of it was not so good,” Gretchen said. “How about you at the Snyders’ farm?”
“Tina asked me what I would do if you didn’t come back from New York and went to live with Bill. I thought that was a pretty good question. And I realized that what I would do is get a house and move into it with the kids, and raise them by myself,” Steve said.
Gretchen frowned. “That would never happen, Steve. If something happened to me, you would find someone else in a day or two and she would raise the kids,” Gretchen said.
“I don’t think so,” Steve said. “But the point is that Tina was really challenging me, because in a sense you have gone away. That got me thinking. I mean, why aren’t I raising the kids? Why do I only have them for a weekend every two weeks?”
“And you have them after school two days a week,” Gretchen said.
“Right,” Steve said. “Okay. Let me tell you something else about the Snyders’ farm that hit me. Everywhere you look there are projects going on. Each one of the kids has a little garden. And they’re growing what they want, not what their parents tell them to grow. And Otis, the oldest one, is raising a pig that he wants to take to 4-H shows. The little girl, Dolly, is raising frogs.”
Sandy watched the darkness slowly sweeping in over Gretchen’s face. Every fucking bunny, Gretchen?
“It’s so amazing how many animals they have. Geese, rabbits, chickens, frogs. The kids are having such rich lives…” Steve said.
Gretchen cut in: “Steve, they live in Mendocino. They are isolated. Is that what you want for our kids? Are you kidding? Move to a farm?”
Our kids? Sandy thought. Gretchen was trying to turn the conversation in a safer direction.
“Of course not, but what hit me was that I don’t have any projects with our kids. Nothing. We aren’t building anything, we aren’t raising anything. So I want to start doing that.”
“So do projects if you want to,” Gretchen said. “No one’s stopping you.”
Oh, Gretchen, Sandy thought. Face up to the runaway train speeding down the track to where you’re tied to the rails.
“I would need time with the kids,” Steve said. “Real time. Yesterday, I rented a house.”
Now Gretchen was on it; she had no choice.
“Is this somewhere you expect to bring the kids?” she said.
“Yes,” Steve said.
“Then I think you should have brought this up with me before you actually rented it. I want to sign off on any place the kids are going to be,” Gretchen said.
“I’d like you to come and see it,” Steve said.
“Where is this place?” Gretchen said.
“In the avenues,” Steve said. “Forty-first at Lawton.”
That brought Gretchen up straight in her chair.
“That’s miles away from my apartment,” she said.
“It’s fifteen minutes away, less without traffic,” Steve said.
The avenues was one of the quietest parts of the city, completely unhip. Lots of Asian families, lots of middle-class kids. Low crime, low charm, bad restaurants.
“I don’t get it,” Gretchen said. Sandy thought Gretchen didn’t get it because she didn’t understand that she’d unleashed a new Steve.
“It’s got a backyard where the kids can play, a playground within a few blocks,” Steve said. “We could do things there. Projects. There’s room.”
Gretchen cut him off: “What’s going on?” she said in an even, angry tone.
“I need a place where I can actually take care of the kids, not camp out with them every couple of weeks,” Steve said.
“Are you talking about changing our agreement concerning the kids?” Gretchen said, her voice low. “Because that is a very serious thing.”
Sandy let them roll with it.
“I realize that,” Steve said.
“What do you want?” Gretchen said.
“I want to be a real part of my kids’ lives,” Steve said. “I’d like to work this out so that they spend a week with me, a week with you. I’m not sure about the details, but that’s what I’d like.”
He was looking at her intently.
Gretchen shut her eyes. You see it, don’t you, Sandy thought. Her eyes opened.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me,” she said slowly. She looked over at Sandy, as if she expected help. Sandy didn’t have any to give.
“Now you think you’re going to take over the kids?” Gretchen said.
“That’s the last thing I want to do,” Steve said. “I just want to have a real role in their lives.”
He leaned forward. Looked pleadingly at Gretchen.
“I’ve given this a lot of thought. I’ve realized that everything is connected. When you pull one string, everything falls apart, and you have to put everything back together in a different way,” Steve said. “I need to have real time with the kids, to do that I need a real home and I need a different relationship with work.”
Gretchen looked at Sandy again. Then back at Steve.
“You want the kids for a week?” Gretchen said. “You don’t even know how to cook.”
“I’ll learn. How hard can it be?”
“Bill said you might do something like this,” Gretchen said. “When you found out I was going to spend a weekend with him.”
“This has absolutely nothing to do with that. This has to do with what has been happening here, in this room. The conversations here made me realize that I needed to change.”
“So now, after all this time, you’ve decided that you want to have a real role in the kids’ lives,” Gretchen said hard and dangerously. “I actually didn’t see this coming. I knew it was out there, I knew it was possible, but I didn’t think you’d do it. When is this change supposed to occur?”
“I’m getting the place painted, and I need to buy some furniture,” Steve said. “I can get that done within a week. I’m pushing everyone hard.”
“I want to see this place,” Gretchen said.
“I’ll show it to you anytime you want,” Steve said.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to go see it alone,” Gretchen said. “If you could give me the exact address and loan me a key?”
“Sure,” Steve said.
Now Gretchen turned back to Sandy for the third time.
“You haven’t said anything, Sandy,” Gretchen said.
“I think Steve is right about this,” Sandy said. “In the long run, it’s going to be better for the kids, and it’s also part of the process of you guys separating.”
“You think it’s better for the kids to switch houses every week? You think that?” Gretchen said.
“In this case. With you two. Yes. I think that,” Sandy said.
Gretchen shook her head. She looked down at her lap, then up again.
“I’m feeling very, very sad,” Gretchen said.
Now she looked at Steve.
“Sandy calls this a step in separating, but you realize that she really means we’re going straight toward a divorce, don’t you?” Gretchen said.
“That’s not what I mean,” Sandy said. “Separating is necessary if you are ever going to get back together. That may sound illogical, but it’s true. And Steve taking responsibility for the children is part of separating.”
“That is psychobabble,” Gretchen said.
Sandy let it go. Right now, Gretchen was beyond reasoning with.
“Why do you think we’re heading straight for a divorce?” Steve said.
“You’re probably thinking because this has made me so angry with you, I’m going to divorce you, but it’s not that,” Gretchen said. “It’s because we’re learning how to divo
rce. Sandy is teaching us not to kill each other in the divorce process, and now we’ll learn how to schedule the children, how to plan their activities so they fit into our respective weeks. How to make sure that we’ve packed the clothes and the homework when we make the weekly transition. How to say goodbye to the kids each week without freaking them out. How to pretend that we respect each other so that the kids don’t go psychotic when they’re teenagers.”
“We’re not getting divorced,” Steve said. “We are not getting divorced.”
“As if you make the decisions. Actually, you’ll probably be the one who files, you’ll have your new house and new life. Or maybe I’ll make it easy for you and die,” Gretchen said.
At this moment, Gretchen reminded Sandy of a beautiful serpent, wound up, coiled, glistening head thrown back, ready to strike. Did Steve see that?
“If this doesn’t work, we can change it,” Steve said.
“It hurts too much,” Gretchen said. “I can’t play these games. If this is what you want, then this is it.”
Suddenly Gretchen stood up.
“I know there is time left, but I’m completely exhausted, just gone. I’m going home. We can pick this up next week.” She grabbed her coat and purse.
“Okay,” Sandy said. “I’ll see you next week.”
Gretchen turned back at the door.
“Leave the key and the directions to your new place at my apartment, will you?” she said to Steve.
And then she was gone. Steve and Sandy sat together for a few minutes, both taking it in. Finally Sandy broke the spell.
“How do you feel about this, Steve?” Sandy asked.
“I’m sad too,” Steve said. “I think she’s right. We’re learning how to divorce. Before, when the kids would camp out at my apartment every other weekend, it was like we were playing a game called separation. But now it’s not a game. I’m not sure we can go back.”
“You can’t go back,” Sandy said. “And you don’t want to.”
Steve looked at Sandy with feeling.
“Actually, you’re right, I don’t want to go back,” Steve said. “I treated our marriage as if it were a game. I’ve made some terrible mistakes.”
“Why do you think Gretchen is feeling so sad?” Sandy asked.
“She said why. Because she thinks we’re going to get a divorce,” Steve said.
“And why does that make her so sad?” Sandy said.
She watched Steve as he thought it over, taking his time.
“I guess we had a lot of dreams and it’s sad to give them up,” Steve said. “She thought we would have this happy family and these wonderful kids and we’d all be together. And I let her down.”
“That’s right,” Sandy said. “That’s what Gretchen is feeling. I notice that you didn’t mention Bill. Why not? She just spent the weekend with him.”
“You think she’s thinking about Bill?” Steve asked. It had caught him by surprise. Was she? he seemed to wonder, now that Sandy had brought it up.
“No, I don’t think so,” Sandy said. “But what else is she thinking?”
“Maybe she’s also feeling scared,” Steve said. “I know I’m scared. This whole damn stuff is terrifying.”
“That’s right,” Sandy said. “She’s feeling scared. Terrified. What else?”
“I’m not sure,” Steve said.
“Maybe she’s feeling left behind,” Sandy suggested.
“I need to be very careful,” Steve said cautiously.
Sandy wondered exactly what he meant. That he needed to be careful of Gretchen, that in her fear, she might be capable of anything? That he needed to be careful of the little spark of hope and even love that still existed between them, to make sure that it didn’t get blown out in these big, dark winds?
10.
Sandy noticed: There was no deep-throated glug-glug. No boom-boom rumble. Steve came into the room to join Sandy and Gretchen unannounced, without car fanfare.
“Where’s your car?” Gretchen asked Steve.
“I sold it,” Steve said. “I now own a Subaru Outback. It’s sitting in the lot next to your Prius. The Outback is the vehicle of choice among the preschool crowd. Four-wheel drive. You can take it to the snow.”
Gretchen shot him a look.
“I want to know before you take the kids anywhere,” she said.
“Of course,” Steve said.
Steve had had his first week alone with the kids, in his new house. Now they were back with Gretchen.
“Did you take the kids somewhere?” Gretchen asked evenly.
“No, we pretty much stayed in the city,” Steve answered.
“Pretty much?” Gretchen said. “What does that mean?”
“We went to Ocean Beach,” Steve said. “We went to the children’s playground in the park and they rode the carousel. We went to a couple of playgrounds actually.”
“I guess Chris was talking about the carousel,” Gretchen said. “Only, he called it the up-and-down. I had no idea what he meant.”
“That’s what he calls the carousel,” Steve said. “Because the animals go up and down.”
“Anyway, if you’re going to take them somewhere during your week, I’d like to know about it beforehand,” Gretchen said.
“So are we talking like going out to Stinson Beach?” Steve said. “Going to Napa? If I was taking them overnight somewhere, of course I’d tell you. But if I was taking them to the Santa Cruz boardwalk? Would you like me to tell you about that?”
“Why can’t you both share your plans for the weeks you have the kids?” Sandy said. “Why is it such a loaded question?”
They both paused, thinking.
“We should do that,” Steve said finally.
“But you don’t, do you?” Sandy said. “I wonder why.”
“We’ve only just started this week-on, week-off system,” Gretchen said. “Come on.”
“You’ve been dealing with sharing the kids for three months though,” Sandy said. “Why aren’t you talking to each other?”
“We are talking to each other,” Gretchen said.
“Oh, come on,” Sandy said. She looked at Steve. “Did you call Gretchen the whole week that you had the kids?”
“No,” Steve said.
“Why not?” Sandy said. “Would you have called her if you were taking the kids to Santa Cruz?”
“This was Gretchen’s alone time,” Steve said. “I didn’t want to bother her.”
“I want you to bother her,” Sandy said. “But I don’t think it was about that. I think you were worried that Gretchen might be with some other guy.”
That brought Steve up in his chair.
“I guess I don’t want any surprises,” Steve said.
“Can we go back to how we’re going to handle the kids?” Gretchen said.
Sandy let the moment pass, thinking she’d dropped a few land mines that would explode later.
“Sure,” she said.
“I don’t want any surprises from Steve when he has the kids a whole week,” Gretchen said.
“Okay,” Steve said. “With that thought, I signed the kids up for a class at the Academy of Sciences. Is that okay?”
“And I want to know before you sign them up for anything,” Gretchen said.
“They haven’t started the class yet,” Steve said. “It was on a first-come, first-served basis, so I had to sign them up to give them a chance to take it. But if you don’t like it, I can cancel.”
“What is the course?” Gretchen said.
“Pottery,” Steve said.
“You don’t think they might be a little young for that?” Gretchen said.
“They don’t throw pots,” Steve said. “They just mess around with clay.”
He smiled.
“What are you grinning for?” Gretchen said.
“You’re going to make fun of me,” Steve said. “But I’m taking cooking lessons. Italian cooking.”
Sandy noticed: Steve was almost cocky. He was in
a good mood for a change. Was it the cooking lessons, maybe? Who was the teacher?
Gretchen raised her hands up, palms toward Sandy, meaning, What are we doing here?
“Are we going to discuss anything today? Is there anything on the agenda?” Gretchen said to her.
“I think we’ve been discussing important things,” Sandy said. “But is there something on your mind?”
“One thing is that I don’t want to waste my time here,” Gretchen said. “I have limited time and limited money.”
Sandy thought, We took care of the money the first time you were in this office. What is it, Gretchen?
“What are you thinking about time and money?” Sandy said.
“I’m thinking that maybe our work here is done,” Gretchen said. “I’ve agreed that Steve can have the kids half the time. We have a schedule. What else is there to discuss?”
“I think a lot,” Sandy said.
“I can see that this has been helpful for Steve,” Gretchen said. “He’s made some changes that he needed to make. That’s good. But as for me, I don’t need to know about Steve’s cooking lessons. What’s in it for me to spend my time here at this point?”
“Why don’t you want to know about Steve’s cooking lessons?” Sandy said. “I do. I wonder if he has some beautiful Italian woman coming over to teach him.”
“That’s just what I don’t want to know,” Gretchen said.
“Why not?” Sandy said. “Who is teaching you to cook, Steve?”
“A chef,” Steve said.
“And the chef’s name?” Sandy asked.
“Gabrielle,” Steve said.
Gretchen shot a look at Sandy as if to ask, Are you evil?
“All of this just makes me sad,” Gretchen said.
“If I’m understanding you correctly, you’re saying something like this: We’ve done a pretty good job working out the practical issues of living separately. The next step would be working on getting to really understand each other, to learn new ways to deal with each other, and you don’t want to do that,” Sandy said.
“Yes, that’s what I mean,” Gretchen said. “You were big on how we needed to separate. Well, now we are finally separated. I don’t see what else we need to learn. Why do I need to know more about Steve and me?”
“Can I ask if you’re happy?” Sandy said. “That’s sort of the bottom line here, I think.”
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