by Finella Vane
A silence fell over the room and none of the women seemed to want to break it. Niav sent Anselle questioning glances but Anselle only shook her head and ate her soup. Niav grew more and more uncomfortable in the silence; she wanted to say something but she didn’t know what. The woman was fine while she had something to occupy herself but now that she was just sitting she was becoming more and more distressed. She couldn’t talk to Gina about what they normally talked about every day because the other two women were there, she didn’t want to talk to Anselle because she didn’t want to upset Lisa and she had absolutely no idea what she would talk to Lisa about. Yes, the girl apologized but Niav still felt a lingering animosity towards the woman (she did acknowledge that it may have been just in her head if it weren’t for the fact that she was on the medication as a direct result of Lisa pushing her out the door).
Niav started to feel lightheaded; she pushed back her chair, excused herself and headed to the bedroom to lie down. When Niav left the table it was not a surprise to Anselle or Gina but Lisa asked, “Was that because of me?”
“I don’t think so, at least not all because of you,” Anselle said as she glanced toward the bedroom wanting to check on her partner. “I think it’s a combination of things. She was upset last night and this morning because she wanted to come off her medication so badly but her doctor said it wasn’t a good idea just yet. She’s also been having trouble with the designs of an art project she’s trying to get the commission for. We’re trying to decide which flat to keep and I know she wants to stay here but thinks I will only be happy in mine.”
“And then I come along pounding on her door, demanding to be let in knowing you weren’t here to support or defend her. Then I go and blurt out everything and wind up bawling like a baby. I guess I should apologize again.”
“I don’t think that would be necessary but if you want to wait until she comes out again. Okay?”
“Should I go see if she’s alright?” Gina asked casting her own eyes towards the bedroom.
“That’s alright, I’ll go,” Anselle pushed her own chair back and left the dining area. When Anselle entered the bedroom Niav was curled up on the bed with her back to the door, “Love?”
“Anselle?”
“Yes, Love.”
“I’m sorry.”
Anselle didn’t bother walking around the bed to her side she just climbed over her lover and flopped down on top of her, “What are you sorry for?”
“For not being able to stay in the room.”
“Baby, you don’t have to stay anywhere you don’t feel comfortable and you don’t ever have to apologize for leaving a difficult situation.” Anselle slid off her partner then pushed Niav onto her back so the blonde could rest her head on the woman’s chest and draped a leg across her hips, “How are you feeling now?”
“I like this. This is much better,” Niav ran her fingers through the blonde’s hair.
“We can’t stay like this, we have guests.”
“Maybe they’ll think we fell asleep and they’ll leave.”
“No, knowing Gina, she will come and check on us soon.”
Just as those words leave Anselle’s mouth Gina knocked tentatively on the bedroom door before pushing it open. The chef peaked her head through the opening, “Everything okay?”
Anselle kisses the woman deeply before turning her head to reply, “Everything is just fine.”
***
Lisa had her back to Niav as the woman entered the living area and Niav paused thinking to offer an apology for walking out during lunch but Anselle’s words echoed through her head, ‘you don’t ever have to apologize for leaving a difficult situation’ so she continued on to the kitchen. She was actually disappointed to see that the lunch dishes have been washed. She was hoping to have something else to distract herself so she didn’t have to spend much more time with Lisa. She knew she may be behaving unfairly towards the accountant (she made her accounting face) but she couldn’t seem to decide how to act. Normally she would snuggle with Anselle on the sofa but she felt uncomfortable doing that now in front of Lisa after everything the woman told her about her feelings for the blonde.
Niav was rescued from the kitchen by her partner just as her head started to spin again, “I could hear you over thinking from way over there. Everything is okay. Come sit with me.” Anselle took Niav’s hand, giving it a squeeze before leading her to the sofa. The blonde pulled her love down with her as she sat in ‘her’ corner and planted a kiss in the brunette curls.
The three uni friends fell into conversation like there had never been any animosity between them. Niav only half listened while she bit at her nails taking the pieces out of her mouth and putting them in the pocket of her jeans. She wished she had her pad and pencils to distract herself or she figured she’d have bleeding fingers soon. The artist felt her partner breathe in her ear, “Niav, Gina is talking to you.”
“Oh….I…uh….sorry.”
“She asked you if you wanted to go to the restaurant for dinner tonight with us as a send-off to Lisa.” Anselle felt Niav tense up and thought ‘of course she doesn’t want to go; she’s uncomfortable being in her own sitting room with the girl’. Anselle tightened her hold around the brunette’s waist, “Just breathe, come on, breathe with me.” Anselle took a deep breath through her nose as Niav did the same.
“I’m fine,” Niav whispered.
Gina and Lisa watched as Niav closed her eyes and turned her body into Anselle. Lisa couldn’t help but feel incredibly guilty for everything Niav was going through. The woman saw and felt the love Anselle had for the girl in her arms as she watched Anselle provide comfort and security. She now realized that the act of pushing Niav out the door that day all those months ago caused a domino effect to Niav’s mental state. Yes, she’d apologized but after her own breakdown and she couldn’t remember if Niav had accepted it or not. Looking at the way the girl was clinging onto Anselle she thought ‘probably not’.
“Niav, if I could go back in time there are so many things I would change. The one thing I wish I could take back most of all is what I did to you. I’ve never had to face any aftereffects of my actions until today. I’ve always been the type to say what’s on my mind consequences be damned then go on my way; seeing you like this, afraid to even look at me……what I did….it’s unforgivable. But, Niav, I am truly sorry. You were never anything but nice to me and I let my jealousy get the better of me that day. You didn’t deserve it and I wouldn’t blame you if you never spoke to me again. I know that if our roles were reversed I’m not sure I would’ve opened my door to you today but you did for me so I’m hoping that somewhere in your heart you can find a way to forgive me. I can see that you and Anselle really love each other and all I want is for my friend to be happy.” Lisa knew she was rambling but she wasn’t used to apologizing to anyone for anything and she was doing the best she could.
Niav turned her head as she listened to the woman try to apologize. Her breath hitched when Lisa said she only wanted Anselle to be happy, “Anselle’s happiness is all I want too. But I was making a lot of progress without the medication and now I’m stuck on it until December. You don’t know what it’s like to not be able to feel anything and I may still suffer withdrawal symptoms after coming off of it. I’m still afraid to go anywhere in public alone. I go to the park and hide behind the shrubs so people won’t see me and we call that progress. A lady laid a hand on me and I almost passed out. I would have it Anselle hadn’t been there. If her happiness was all you wanted I don’t think you would’ve done what you did. You want Anselle for yourself.”
“I’m sorry you’re on medication and can’t go out yet. I really am. I did want Anselle for myself. I’ve loved her for years without her knowing but she will never have the love for me like she has for you. I will learn to accept that she will only ever love me as a friend. I have no choice if I still want her in my life. I wasn’t thinking with my head that day. I heard you say that you loved her and something
inside me just snapped. I had been hoping that Anselle would see you as weak and she would get tired of taking care of you. I wanted her to realize that….that,” Lisa looks sadly at the woman, “that you were broken and that it wasn’t her responsibility to fix you.”
“I told Anselle she deserved somebody normal. I tried to push her away. I locked her out and told her to go but she didn’t. She said she wouldn’t and she didn’t. I told her she’d get tired of my problems but she’s stayed by my side through everything.” The artist snuggled closer into Anselle’s side, “I love her.”
“I know you love her and I’m happy for you, both of you,” Lisa looked up to smile weakly at Anselle. “Maybe if you can’t forgive me right now we can come to an understanding.”
Niav was skeptical, “An understanding? What kind of understanding?”
“That you and Anselle love each other and there’s no way I’m going to come between you two. That I’m going to go away for a while so you can relax and not have to keep looking over your shoulder for me to appear and do something else horrid to you. I know it’s cliché but I’m going to go find myself. I don’t like who I am right now, what I’ve become and I’m going to see if I can find a way to be a better person; a person who deserves the love of someone like you.”
Niav is taken aback, “Like me?”
There were tears in the woman’s eyes as she explained, “Yes, Niav, you. You’re so thoughtful, caring, loving and charming. You’re smart and funny, creative and open. It’s no wonder Anselle loves you like she does.”
Niav blushed as she lifted her face to look up at her partner who nodded almost imperceptibly. The woman then turned her head towards Gina who also nodded. “Okay, I accept this understanding.”
“Thank you.”
Gina asked Niav again if she was up to going to the restaurant for dinner. She also reminded them that they have yet to see the collages. With a little prodding from her partner Niav finally agreed to go to the restaurant for Lisa’s send-off dinner. The four women set up a time to meet before separating to get ready. Lisa said her good-byes, Niav returned to the bedroom for a nap and Anselle accompanied Gina down the stairs.
Anselle steps outside the front door with her friend, “Gina.”
The chef heard the seriousness in the blonde’s voice, “Anselle.”
“Tonight wouldn’t be a good night, would it?”
“It would’ve been but with Lisa there? No, I don’t think it would be a good night. I’m sorry.”
The blonde frowned and ran a hand through her hair, “I want it to be special. Something she’ll always remember.”
“If you do it tonight she’ll definitely remember but probably not in a good way.”
“Okay. I want her to be happy so I’ll wait.”
Gina clasped Anselle on the shoulder, “You’ll know the right time when it comes.”
Anselle drew Gina into a hug, “Thanks.”
***
Anselle ran back upstairs thinking of joining her partner for a nap but instead of finding her asleep Anselle found her standing in front of the closet. Through the corner of her eye Niav saw Anselle enter the room, “Help me,” the artist wailed, “I’m lost in a sea of dress shirts and drowning in indecision.”
“I thought you were napping. You’ve had an emotional day so far and it’s probably not going to get any easier, I’m sorry to say. You should get some rest.”
“I was lying down but I started to think about the last time we went to Gina’ and the difficulty I had in picking out clothes,” she held out a hand and made grabby motions at Anselle, “Help me!”
“Of course I’ll help you; you know I can’t resist the puppy face,” Anselle stood next to her partner and peered into the open closet. “Are you wearing dress pants or jeans?”
“I thought I’d wear the same jeans I wore last time, you know, the dark ones. What are you going to wear?”
“I guess I’ll wear jeans and maybe…” Anselle closed her eyes and wrinkled her nose in thought, “a light purple shirt.” She took a step closer to the closet and began to finger through the hangers. Anselle pulled out a few shirts one at a time and held them against Niav’s chest; she cocked her head to scrutinize the shirts with Niav’s face, hair and eyes. She put them all back into the closet until she came across a green one. It wasn't dark or too light and when she held it up to Niav the woman’s golden-brown eyes were highlighted perfectly, “Is this new? I don’t remember seeing it before?”
“I ordered a few new shirts and had the girl who comes for the laundry drop some old ones off for donation. You like it?”
“Like it? I love it. I can’t wait to see it on you,” Anselle’s blue eyes sparkled with anticipation.
Niav’s hands gripped the hem of her t-shirt as she backed away from Anselle and began to shimmy the shirt up to reveal her taught stomach muscles, “How badly do you need to see it on me?”
Anselle grinned wickedly and licked her lips, “Very badly.”
The shirt was lifted higher to reveal Niav’s chest before she quickly pulled it over her head. After dropping the shirt to the floor the artist slid her hands down her chest to her waist where she ran her fingers under the waistband of her jeans, “Do you need to see the complete outfit to make sure it’s the shirt you want me to wear?”
“Uh, huh,” Anselle couldn’t take her eyes off the woman. Her breath hitched when Niav’s fingers popped the button on her jeans and the zipper was pulled down agonizingly slow. The artist teased her partner more by turning around and running her hands over her ass, around her waist, up over her chest and into her hair. She tugged the strands lightly letting out a soft moan as she dropped her head back.
When Niav turned back around Anselle was right in front of her, “Need help getting out of those?”
The artist stepped forward, placed her arms around the blonde’s neck, leaned over to whisper in her lover’s ear, “Yes, please.”
Anselle’s hands were stripping Niav of her pants before ‘please’ was all the way out of the woman’s mouth. Anselle pressed her body forward as Niav wriggled the pants the rest of the way down her legs. As the woman kicked her jeans off her partner exposed the woman’s throat by placing a hand into the curly brown locks and tugging lightly. Niav threw her head back and actually whimpered when Anselle kissed over her neck and collar bone. Their arms wrapped around each other as their lips finally met in a passionate kiss.
CHAPTER TWENTY SIX
Dinner was a subdued affair even though there was an understanding between the women they all realized it was going to take time for the two to be comfortable around each other but Anselle wondered how that could happen if Lisa left. Most of the tables were full and there were quite a few more people drinking at the bar. Niav slid closer to the corner of the booth; Anselle sat across from her partner with Lisa on her right. Gina’ place was next to Niav but the chef had to move between the table and the kitchen. Every time Gina left the booth Niav was exposed to the openness and intensity of the full restaurant. She tried not to show how the noise was affecting her but she couldn’t fool her partner.
Anselle wanted to get Lisa to move out of the booth so she could go to the artist’s side but she knew that Niav needed and wanted to learn how to handle situations like that on her own. But even in the dim restaurant lighting she could see her partner’s continued struggles. Anselle held her hand out across the table, “Breathe, Baby.”
Niav clasped Anselle’s hand in her own before she closed her eyes to take several deep breaths.
“Look at me, Baby,” Anselle massaged the side of Niav’s hand with her thumb.
The woman’s golden-brown eyes popped open to see Anselle’s deep blue watching her, “I’m alright.” Her free hand covered her mouth to try to stifle a yawn.
“You tired?”
The artist grins at her lover, “Yeah, didn’t get to take the nap I wanted this afternoon.”
“I told you to lie down.”
“I did
lie down….eventually,” the artist winked at the blonde across from her.
“I don’t think I need to hear any more of that,” the woman huffed at the hand-holding couple.
“Sorry. Anselle’s trying to distract me from myself and it’s working pretty well.”
Gina returned to the table with a waiter in tow. The waiter set down the dinner entrées before quickly returning to the kitchen. Niav had ordered the 8oz Aberdeen Angus filet, steamed spinach and baked potato; Anselle was served her 10oz Aberdeen Angus sirloin, steamed mixed vegetables and roasted sweet potato; Lisa requested the grilled pork chops with steak fries and coleslaw and Gina got the Dover sole with grilled Portobello mushrooms and a baked potato. Three of the four women were drinking beer while Niav had to stay with water. All four women relaxed a little as they ate their meals and soon none of them took any notice of the noise. Niav snuck pieces of sweet potato from Anselle and mushrooms from Gina while the pair was distracted by a heated debate over the taste of craft beer versus light beer. Lisa acted as mediator but Niav didn’t steal anything off her plate because it was too far out of her reach (though she would really like some fries). Anselle finally caught Niav with a forkful of sweet potato but Niav was quickly forgiven after she shot Anselle her pouty puppy face and promised not to take anymore.
Coffee was served after the dinner dishes were cleared away. Gina had promised something fitting for dessert; Niav hoped it was chocolate soufflés but her heart fell when Gina brought out a plate of Welsh Tiessennau Mel (honey cakes). Her face must've showed her disappointment because Gina leaned over and whispered that the next time Niav came to the restaurant she’d get a soufflé. The woman’s mood lightened significantly at the promise and she asked Gina if she could have some chopped strawberries and whipped cream. Gina called over their server and placed Niav’s order. When the waiter brought over the items the other three women watched as Niav chose a honey cake, spooned on some whipped cream then topped it with some of the strawberries. As the artist bit into the cake she looked up to find the others watching her; she smiled around a mouthful of dessert and munched happily. Anselle was the first to make a grab for the whipped cream but Niav pulled it out of her reach sticking her tongue out at the frustrated girl.