by Sabina Khan
My plan to tell my mom was rapidly disintegrating. But I had to wonder what benevolent being was looking out for me. If Aunty Meena hadn’t shown up tonight, I would totally have told my mom. And the proverbial shit would have hit the fan. I was angry at myself because I had almost let my friends convince me that their way of dealing with this was better. I’d have to be much more careful if I was going to get through the next few months without raising any suspicion.
I stood, pushing back my chair and grabbing my plate. “I have a lot of homework to catch up on, so I’m going to go upstairs, if that’s okay?”
I waited for Mom to ask me to help clear the table, but she didn’t.
“Okay, ammu, I’ll save some rasmalai for you in case you get hungry later.”
Who are you and what have you done with my mother?
But I didn’t want to jinx it, so I quickly gave hugs and escaped to my room. I sat on my bed and was about to call Ariana, but she beat me to it.
“Rukhsana, can we talk?” Her voice sounded small and my heart sank a little.
“Yes, of course. Look, Ariana—”
“I’m sorry, Rukhsana. I overreacted today at the mall. I was being selfish.”
My eyes filled with tears and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to hold her in my arms.
“No, I’m the one who should be sorry. It’s my fault you keep getting hurt. But I just don’t know what to do.” The tears were rolling down my face now, plopping dramatically onto the cover of my physics textbook.
“No, Rukhsana, I feel like I’m just making things harder for you.” Ariana’s voice shook and I knew she was crying too. “I know what you’re dealing with, and even though I don’t fully get it, I should at least be supportive. And I haven’t been doing that very well lately.”
I didn’t say anything in response.
“Rukhsana … are you there?”
I sighed deeply, all the anger and frustration of the whole day rushing out of me.
“You know, when I came home today, I was going to tell my mom everything.”
“What happened?” Ariana’s voice sounded slightly panicked.
“My aunt and uncle came over and I didn’t get the chance. They started talking and I got really angry. But I couldn’t say anything.”
“What were they saying exactly?”
“My aunt is such a gossip, sometimes I really hate her. She was talking about some Bengali couple who have a gay son. And she was saying how they can’t show their faces anywhere. Like that’s the worst thing that could happen to parents. And I realized she’d be talking about me and my parents the same way to someone else once they found out.”
“That’s awful.” Ariana sighed deeply into the phone.
“Ariana, can I be completely honest with you?”
She didn’t say anything, so I continued.
“I hate that I have to hide this part of me from everybody. I love you so much. I wish I could shout it from the rooftops. But my reality is that I can’t do any of that. And try as I might, there’s not much I can do to change it.”
“I never asked you to change anything,” Ariana said. “But you can’t get mad at me because my feelings get hurt. I can’t pretend that this doesn’t affect me too.”
“Of course, I get that. But what I’m saying is that I’m not willing to risk our relationship by telling my parents every time your feelings get hurt. I feel awful, knowing that I’m the one hurting you. But I’ll feel a whole lot worse if I can’t be with you at all.”
“Look, I don’t want to fight anymore and I can’t stay mad at you. Let’s just get through the next couple of months and then we won’t have to worry about all this anymore.”
I could kiss her.
My last class of the day was physics. I was fluent in this language and loved how absolute everything was, this world of vectors and straightforward laws. My dream was to one day work at NASA. I knew it was a long shot, but I liked a challenge. It all started in seventh grade, when we had to do a research project on notable women in science. I did mine on Madhulika Guhathakurta, an astrophysicist who worked at NASA, and ever since then I was hooked. I’d always been fascinated by metaphysics and the more I read about this accomplished woman, the more I realized that I wanted to follow a similar path. And now, if my mom didn’t ruin everything, I would soon be on my way to realizing my dream.
I went home, and after I’d finished my homework, I walked over to Ariana’s house to meet up with her, Jen, and Rachel to go to a movie. When I arrived, I heard voices coming from the backyard. I figured I would just go through the back entrance like always but I hesitated. It sounded like Ariana and her mom were arguing. About me.
I considered leaving but found myself unable to move, listening.
“Mom, you’re being ridiculous,” Ariana was saying.
“Really?” her mother said. “You don’t think there’s anything duplicitous about a girl who lives a secret life behind her parents’ backs?”
“You don’t know them. They’re very strict. They wouldn’t understand. But you’ve met Rukhsana. She’s nothing like them.”
I’d met her mom a couple of times when Ariana and I hung out at her place. She’d been welcoming and friendly, but I sensed a hesitation behind her smile. I’d encountered this before, usually when I went to some of my white friends’ houses. There was a slight wariness in their parents’ demeanor, as if they couldn’t be sure that I wasn’t going to suddenly scream “Allahu akbar!” and blow them to smithereens. It was disconcerting, but I’d sort of grown used to it over the years. I was the brown Muslim friend and therefore had to be regarded with some suspicion, at least initially.
So, when I heard her saying these things about me, I sort of got it. I mean, I’d be suspicious too if, say, Aamir was going out with someone who was lying to their parents about everything. And I really couldn’t expect them to understand my situation.
“Ariana, I’m just trying to protect you. I hope you understand that. Rukhsana is a great girl, but her family is not like ours. Those people are different. You see it on the news, don’t you?”
I’d heard enough. Not waiting for Ariana to reply, I turned and walked away. When I got home, I went straight up to my room, just wanting to be alone. I was angry and felt guilty for being angry. What right did I have to be upset at what her mom was saying, when my parents said things that were way worse?
I grabbed my headphones and collapsed onto my bed, burrito-ing myself with my blanket. I began to relax as the soothing vocals of Sam Smith’s “Pray” filled the silence, the lyrics echoing in my head like stolen thoughts. The pounding slowed and I closed my eyes, losing myself in the melody. I must have dozed off, because the next thing I knew Mom was shaking me gently.
“Rukhsana, Ariana is here. She said you were supposed to meet up with her an hour ago.”
I blinked at the late-afternoon sun filtering in through the lacy curtains and sat up slowly.
“She’s here?” I hated napping during the day because I was always disoriented after.
“Yes, ammu.” Mom put a hand on my forehead, frowning a little. “Are you feeling okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine, Mom.” I stood and made my way to the bathroom. I splashed some cold water on my face and felt a bit better.
Mom was still sitting on the edge of my bed.
“Do you want me to tell her you’re not feeling well?”
“No, it’s okay. I’ll go down. We were supposed to go to a movie.”
We went down together and Mom went into the kitchen. Ariana was waiting for me in the living room.
“Rukhsana, where were you?” Ariana’s brow was furrowed. “I thought you were going to meet me at my place.”
“I had a headache.” I couldn’t decide if I wanted to tell her yet.
“Are you feeling better now? We don’t have to go to the movie if you don’t want to. I’ll tell Jen and Rachel.”
She pulled her phone out and sent off a quick text.
“You know what, why don’t you go ahead with them,” I said. “I think I just need to go to sleep early today.”
Ariana wasn’t buying it.
“Are you sure you’re okay? We can just stay here and talk.”
I quickly glanced over my shoulder to see Mom right there in the kitchen. We most definitely could not stay here and talk. Ariana nodded wordlessly.
“We can go over to my house. My mom’s out running errands.”
That was the last place I wanted to go right now.
“I think I kind of want to be alone.” I realized I did want her to know something was up. Otherwise I’d just spend the entire evening obsessing over what I’d heard.
“Rukhsana, could you please just tell me what’s going on?” Ariana pleaded.
This was awkward.
“I heard you. Earlier.”
“What do you mean?”
“I came by. Before, to go to the movie.”
I saw the realization dawn by the way her face fell.
“How much did you hear?” she asked quietly.
“I don’t know. Enough? I knocked on the door and then I heard you in the backyard.”
“Why didn’t you say something?” Ariana’s face was flushed.
“Honestly, I didn’t know what to do. That’s why I left.”
Ariana reached for my hand and pulled me down on the couch.
“I’m so sorry, Rukhsana. I never wanted you to hear that. My mom’s being really weird about us all of a sudden.”
“Why? Did something happen?”
Ariana shook her head. “I’m not sure. She was fine when I first told her. But recently she’s been all over me. About Muslims and stuff on the news, you know?”
Mom popped her head in, startling us both. Ariana dropped my hand as if it were on fire. “Do you two want anything to drink? Some chai maybe?”
“No, thank you, Mrs. Ali,” Ariana said.
I shook my head. “We’re good, Mom.”
“Okay, but let me know if you change your mind.” Mom disappeared back into the kitchen.
I took a deep breath and exhaled. That was close.
“So anyway, I think that’s why my mom’s suddenly on my case,” Ariana continued.
I looked down at my hands. What could I even say? The only bright side to this that I could see was that maybe now Ariana could understand what I was dealing with as far as my parents were concerned.
“Say something, Rukhsana,” Ariana said softly. I looked at her then and a wave of affection rushed over me. I wanted so badly to kiss her, but of course I couldn’t with Mom a few feet away. I squeezed her hands and I knew she understood what I wanted to say. She smiled tremulously, her eyes a little moist, and I almost gave in.
Ariana gave me a quick hug and I walked her to the door.
After she left I went into the kitchen to grab a glass of water and some Tylenol for my headache. Mom was there getting things ready for dinner.
“You didn’t go out?” she said, tying her hair into a knot at the nape of her neck. “I thought you were going to a movie?” She began chopping onions, her hands fast but steady with the knife.
“I changed my mind. I have a headache.” I grabbed a glass from the cabinet and turned on the faucet. I waited for the water to be absolutely cold before I filled my glass.
“Maybe you’re coming down with something.” She finished chopping the onions and started on the carrots next.
“Maybe,” I said noncommittally.
Mom stopped chopping midway with the knife hovering menacingly above the carrots. She held me with a scrutinizing look.
“Are you sure there’s nothing else going on?”
“Like what?” I pretended I wasn’t terrified of what she might have seen or heard while Ariana was here.
“I don’t know, ammu. I’m just saying that you can talk to me if something is bothering you.” She resumed her chopping and the staccato sound filled the kitchen.
My heart was racing and I struggled to find the words that would convince her that there was nothing untoward going on. I wanted nothing more than to succumb to the desire to just lay my head on her shoulder and tell her everything. And to let her tell me that she would make everything better. But I couldn’t be sure that this wasn’t a test. I couldn’t be sure that she hadn’t heard some or all of my exchange with Ariana in the living room.
“There’s nothing bothering me, Mom. Just a bad headache. I’m getting my period soon, so that’s probably why.” Hoping desperately that she would let it go, I put the Tylenol in my mouth, swallowed it with a big gulp of water, and went up to my room.
Jen pulled me aside after chemistry.
“What happened to you last night? Ariana said you weren’t feeling well.”
“Yeah, it was just a headache,” I mumbled.
Jen stared at me for a second. “Are you seriously trying to blow me off right now?”
A pang of guilt stabbed at me. Jen was my best friend and deserved better.
“I’m sorry, I just don’t know if I can talk about it.”
Jen put her hands on her hips and gave me her most severe I-know-what’s-best-for-you look.
“Hey, Rukhsana, it’s me, remember? Best friend since elementary school? You can tell me anything.”
I couldn’t help smiling. Jen did always know how to make me feel better.
“I overheard Ariana arguing with her mom yesterday when I went over there.”
“About what?” Jen pulled me over to a corner by the wall, out of earshot from all the students milling about.
“About me and her. And that I’m Muslim and she’s worried something will happen.”
“Did she just realize you’re Muslim? I mean, she must have known that from the beginning, right?”
“Well, yes, but I think it’s all the hiding and the secrecy that she has a problem with.” I wondered if Ariana had been talking to her about that. She must have told her mom how much it bothered her that I had to keep our relationship a secret from my family.
“I guess I kind of get that though,” Jen said. She touched my arm gently. “I know it’s really hard for you, but I’d be upset too if my boyfriend had to pretend we weren’t together. Especially if we were serious about each other.”
“I don’t know what to do. It’s going to be so weird talking to her mom, now that I know how she really feels. I guess it was nice thinking that at least someone was okay with our relationship.”
Jen threw an arm around my shoulder. “It’s going to be okay, Rukhsana. You and Ariana will figure it out. And once you’re both at Caltech, things will be a lot easier.”
I squeezed her arm. I hoped she was right.
The tantalizing smells of my mother’s cooking welcomed me as I walked into the kitchen.
“Mom, whatever you’re making smells amazing.” I dropped my backpack, walking over to give her a quick hug while she stirred something creamy in a large pot.
My parents were hosting one of their regular Friday dinner parties tonight and they always went all out to impress.
“I’m making coconut shrimp curry,” Mom said, gesturing for me to get the cilantro that sat chopped and ready in a small bowl on the counter. I handed it to her and grabbed one of the cauliflower-and-potato pakodas that were resting on newspaper soaking up excess oil.
“Rukhsana, please take a plate and sit and eat like a human being.” I handed her a small plate and she put some pakodas on it, adding a dollop of date-and-tamarind chutney on the side before handing it back to me. I dunked a pakoda in the sauce and savored the tangy, sweet crunchiness before I could speak again.
“Who’s coming tonight, Mom?” I popped another piece into my mouth.
“The usual … Aunty Meena and Maruf Uncle, Iftekar Uncle and Sheila Aunty. And Samira Aunty said she might come too.” Mom transferred the curry into a serving dish and put it in the oven to keep warm. “Sheila said Nasreen is coming too,” she added.
“Oh good,” I said, lic
king the last bit of chutney off my fingers. “I haven’t seen her since the wedding.”
“Ammu, can you make the raita, please? Daddy says you’ve learned to make it just like him. I still have to finish up the daal and the vegetable curry.”
“Sure, I’ll make it, but then I have to go upstairs to take a shower before everyone gets here.”
“Just put it in the fridge before you go up.” Mom gave the daal a stir before turning off the flame.
I opened the fridge and took out a tub of yogurt, some carrots, and two cucumbers.
“Do you think Aunty Meena will sing tonight?” I asked Mom, grating the vegetables.
“If we accompany her, then yes. Otherwise, she will not sing on her own.” Mom added sliced onions to a pan of hot oil and a few seconds later, they were happily sizzling away.
“What should I wear? The pink shalwar kameez or the blue one?”
“I think the blue one. You haven’t worn that yet, tai na?” I nodded, whisking the yogurt in a bowl before adding a pinch of black salt and sugar to it.
The pan on the stove sputtered as Mom added mustard seed to it.
After finishing the yogurt salad, I went up to shower and change. When I got upstairs, Aamir stepped out of the bathroom and pulled me into his room.
“Hey, do you know if Nasreen’s sister is coming?” he asked while he dried his hair with a towel.
“No, I don’t think so. And anyway, you said she doesn’t even know you exist,” I reminded him.
He stuck out his tongue at me. “That doesn’t mean I’m not going to try.”
“Well, good luck to you.” I turned to leave.
“Do you know Mom asked me if you have a boyfriend?” Aamir said and I stopped in my tracks.
“Are you serious?” We grinned at each other. “What did you tell her?”
“Lucky for me I didn’t have to lie,” he said, pulling a T-shirt over his head. “You know how bad I am at lying, right?”