by Sabina Khan
“I’ve missed this so much,” I said, spooning the sauces into the crispy shells before popping one in my mouth. There was an explosion of sweet, tangy, and spicy goodness, and I closed my eyes to savor it. There was nothing better.
“I wish I could take a picture of your face right now, Rukhsana,” Shaila said with a grin, a little tamarind juice dribbling down her hand and onto her plate.
“A thousand pictures wouldn’t do justice to how amazing this is.”
“You want to order more, don’t you?” Shaila said, signaling the man for two more plates.
After we finished eating, we decided to check out the parade.
“There’s some really cool art on display,” Shaila told me as we made our way through the dense crowd. “And the Dhaka Art College students have really cool pieces for sale. I have a feeling you’ll love them.”
She was right. There were stunning owl and tiger masks in striking colors. I just had to get some for my bedroom. I bought one for Aamir too. He could thank me later.
By late afternoon, we were exhausted from the heat and the crowds and I was ready to go home. But I still had to get a new SIM card so I could call Ariana, and I asked Shaila to make a quick stop for that.
When we got home, it was getting dark. I ran to my room before Mom could intercept me, and locked the door. The last thing I needed was for anyone to come barging in while I was talking to Ariana.
“Hello?” Ariana answered on the first ring.
“Hey, it’s me. It’s so good to hear your voice,” I said.
“I miss you so much.” She sounded so close, it made me want to reach out and hold her. “How’s your grandmother?”
“She’s actually not that sick. I think they were just trying to guilt us into visiting.”
“Wow, that’s a bit manipulative, isn’t it?” Ariana said. “Well, at least you get to see her.”
“I’m so glad I came. To be honest, I don’t know how many good years she has left.”
“Then I’m glad too. But when are you coming home?”
“We’re only here for two weeks and then I’ll be back.”
“Well, I’m going to miss you every single day. I love you so much.”
“I love you too.”
“Have you gone shopping at all?” Ariana asked.
“No, but I got some cool stuff when I went to the Bengali New Year festival,” I said, getting comfortable on my bed.
“What kind of stuff?” Ariana said.
“Well, I got some glass bangles for you. Remember the ones on my dresser at home that you liked? They’re just like that but in blue and silver.”
“Aw, you remembered. I can’t wait to try them on,” Ariana said.
“They’ll go great with your blue dress.”
“Yes, they will. Maybe I’ll wear it to the Spring Fling.”
My friends and I had been excited for the senior dance for months now. It was coming up next month and I couldn’t wait to go.
“My cousin Shaila and I are going shopping tomorrow. Maybe I’ll find something cute to wear to it.”
“Have you had a chance to see any of your other cousins yet?” Ariana said. She knew all about my huge family here. At last count, there were twenty-six cousins and thirteen nieces and nephews.
“Yes, I have. But only some of them and it was great to catch up.”
“That sounds like fun. You haven’t seen them for a few years, right?”
“Yes, and two of them got married in the meantime. It’s so weird, you know, because they’re just a couple of years older than us. And one of them is already pregnant.”
I reached over to the nightstand, where Rokeya had left a cup of chai. It was still warm enough.
“I can’t imagine being married right now. There’s still so much I want to do,” Ariana said.
“I know, right? But her in-laws are really sweet,” I said. “They’re insisting that she should finish her degree and they’ll help with the baby.”
“That’s nice of them,” Ariana said. “I still don’t know if I could do something like that though.”
“Me either. You know what else though? My cousins and I played Carom last night.”
“Okay, I have no idea what that is,” Ariana said.
“It’s this really cool game we used to play when I was little. There’s a square board with pockets in all four corners and you have to slide discs into them using a bigger, heavier disc.”
“Sounds a little like air hockey?” Ariana said.
“I guess. It’s really fun, I’ll have to show you when I get back. I think my parents have a board somewhere in the garage.”
“I’d love that.” She sighed loudly. “I really miss you, you know.”
“I miss you too. I wish you could be here with me.” It had only been a couple of days, and two weeks would fly by, but it was almost unbearable to be away from her.
Several cast-iron pots sat crowded on the burners, bubbling away as Rokeya chopped vegetables.
“What’s the occasion?” I asked her in my American-accented Bengali. Rokeya always got a kick out of the way I spoke the language.
“Some guests are coming for tea,” she replied with a grin. “Your mother told me to prepare some special dishes.”
“Can I help?” I rolled up the sleeves of my kameez and tied my hair up in a knot. “I don’t want you to do all of it alone.”
“You want to help?” Rokeya smiled. “It will be a big help if you don’t burn any of the food.”
I laughed at the memory of the last time I’d tried to assist in the kitchen. I had somehow managed to burn most of the dishes I touched.
“Okay, I won’t touch anything, I promise.”
“You should stay out of the kitchen anyway; otherwise you’ll smell like garam masala.” This was true, so I made a hasty exit, running into Mom on my way out.
“Rukhsana, go and get ready. The guests will be here soon.” She carried an empty tray in one hand.
“Who’s coming? Do I know them?” I thought I’d seen most of my relatives in the past week.
“No, they’re some friends of your dad,” Mom said. “They just wanted to see him and meet you.”
“Sounds fun,” I said. “I’ll go get ready, then.”
“I put out a nice shalwar kameez for you to wear,” she called out as I walked up the stairs.
A gorgeous deep blue silk outfit with intricate embroidery lay on my bed. I thought it was a little too much for afternoon tea, but whatever. If it made Mom happy, I didn’t mind wearing it. After a quick shower, I put on some makeup to complement my clothes. I even straightened my curly hair until it was smooth and silky. I took my time, because even though my mom said our guests would be here soon, according to Bengali Standard Time that could mean anywhere between two to three hours.
By the time I came downstairs, all the food had already been set out on the buffet, with gleaming white-and-gold plates on the side. There were pooris with spiced potatoes, samosas, chicken rolls, freshly cut mangoes, and an assortment of sweets. Quite the feast for just an afternoon tea. I was about to snag a samosa when the doorbell chimed. I glanced regretfully at my plate but decided I could always pig out after the guests left.
Asif Uncle, Dad’s friend from college, walked in first, followed closely by his wife, Rita Aunty, and their daughter, Neera, and son, Minhas.
“Hello, ammu, you must be Rukhsana,” Rita Aunty said, enveloping me in a hug. “Your father has told us so much about you.” She turned to Dad. “But, Ibrahim Bhai, you didn’t tell us she was so beautiful.”
Mom and Dad beamed proudly.
“Yes, she is very brilliant also. She just got a scholarship to Caltech,” Dad said.
Heat rose to my cheeks as they continued to gush.
The love fest went on throughout the evening. By the time they left my ego had swollen to the size of a watermelon.
Back in my room, I couldn’t find my cell phone anywhere. Thinking I must have left it on the c
offee table in the living room, I headed back down. I was halfway down the stairs when I heard Mom and Dad. It sounded like they were arguing.
“Zubaida, this is not the right way,” Dad said. “We cannot do this. At least we should tell her.”
“If we tell her then what do you think will happen?” Mom’s voice floated up.
“Zuby, please be reasonable. Things are not the way they were when you were her age.”
“All this nonsense is the reason we are in this mess,” Mom said accusingly. “I always told you, don’t give her so much freedom. But you never listened.”
“I want her to have all the opportunities we didn’t get. You told me yourself you wished that you had been able to attend college. How can you deny her this?”
What are they talking about?
It sounded like it was about Caltech, but there was something else going on too. Aamir’s words from the night before we left echoed in my head, and I couldn’t help but wonder if I should have taken his warning a bit more seriously.
“Yes, yes. I know what I said. But she has forgotten we are still Muslims. Just because we are living there doesn’t mean that she can forget all our values and just carry on like that. Ibrahim, what do you think will happen if someone finds out? We will not be able to show our faces anywhere, here or in Seattle.” She lowered her voice. “How do you think your family will feel when they find out their granddaughter is a lesbian? People get killed for these kinds of things here.”
That must have convinced Dad because he didn’t say anything more after that. I didn’t want them to know that I’d heard them, so when I heard footsteps coming, I hurried back to my room. Ariana would have to wait.
“I don’t understand all these parents sending their children away to college,” Nusrat Mami said between mouthfuls of rice and eggplant curry. “My Shaila is going to Dhaka University and is doing perfectly fine.”
Shaila’s mother was in full bitch mode. Our two weeks were almost up and I had hoped that this visit would pass without drama created by my aunt.
“Yes, Nusrat, but since we moved to the US, our Rukhsana has many more options. We have to consider those at least.”
Funny how Mom was fine with me going away to college when she wanted to show up Nusrat Mami, just not when it was actually about me. That was interesting. I filed this little tidbit away for a later time.
“No, no, of course, you are all Americans now, so you want to have many options for everything.” She spat out a bay leaf and put it on the edge of her plate.
“Tanveer,” she said, turning to her husband. “Do you remember our first trip to the US?”
He grunted as he helped himself to some more rice.
“We went to the grocery store,” she continued. “And, my God, I have never seen so many varieties of potato chips in my life. Why does anybody need so many choices? It was very confusing. And so many different types of cereal and bread. It’s too much.”
Shaila and I made eye contact across the table and she grimaced. We were used to this feud between our mothers. Her mom resented Tanveer Mama because he refused to leave Nani and get a place of their own, while Mom felt guilty for leaving and making a life for herself far away from her family.
“Well, sometimes it’s good to have choices. After all, nobody is forcing anyone to choose. You can pick what you want,” Mom said as she made a mound of her rice, used her finger to make a crater on top, and then poured daal over it. Using her right hand, she made a little ball and popped it in her mouth. I’d never mastered the art of eating with my hands. I always got the food all over my fingers and made a mess. Mom somehow made it look easy.
“Yes, it’s good to have choices. But not all of us are so lucky.” Nusrat Mami looked pointedly at my uncle. “Some of us are more concerned about duty.”
Mom’s nostrils flared a little and she pursed her lips.
“Nusrat, I have told you many times, if you don’t want to look after Ma then let us take her to Seattle. We are happy to take care of her.”
“You think Ma wants to leave everything and go off to Seattle?” My aunt was not going to take this lying down.
“Well, it’s better than feeling unwanted, I’m sure.” Mom set her glass down with a little more force than necessary.
“What do you mean?” Nusrat Mami looked quite upset now.
“I’m just saying that she is still the head of this household. It might be better for you to remember that,” Mom said with finality.
“Tanveer, are you going to let your sister talk to me like that?” she asked indignantly.
“Zubaida Apa, please.” Tanveer Mama looked up from deboning the fish on his plate. “How many times must we have this same argument?”
A deep red color crept into Mom’s cheeks. She took a deep breath. “I am not interested in arguing with anyone. But you will treat me with respect.” That last part was aimed at Tanveer Mama with a withering look.
“After everything I have done for this family Zubaida Apa, you just come here whenever you feel like and you think you know what it’s like? All the difficulties we face? We don’t tell you any of it, because what’s the point? You cannot help from there.”
“What do you mean we cannot help? If you tell us of course we can help.”
Dad took a sip of water and cleared his throat loudly.
“Let us all calm down now,” he said in a placating tone. “We are all doing the best we can. We shouldn’t ruin this time together.”
Mom sniffed imperiously and Nusrat Mami pursed her lips. After a few minutes, they both got up and left. Rokeya came in to clear the table and we all dispersed.
Shaila and I went to her room to talk about what happened.
“Wow, that was intense,” I said. “I don’t remember it being so bad the last time we were here.”
“Tell me about it,” said Shaila, shaking her head. “You’d think after all these years they would have moved past it.”
“Do they really think Mom and Dad abandoned Nani?”
“Well, I think my mom resents that they’re stuck here. I’ve overheard them talking about it.” Shaila picked at the hem of her kameez. “I’m getting out of here as soon as I can.”
“Really?” I said. “Wait. Is there anyone special?”
Shaila wordlessly stared at her feet.
“Oh my God! You have a boyfriend, don’t you?” I yelled, jumping up.
“Shhhh, sit down, Rukhsana.” Shaila pulled me back down. “Someone will hear you.”
“Okay, okay. But there is someone, right?” I continued in an exaggerated whisper. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” I pinched her arm and she swatted my hand away.
“I’m trying to tell you now, if you’ll shut up for a second.”
“But I want to know everything. Who is it? Is it someone I know?”
“How could it possibly be someone you know?” Shaila glared at me.
Then she smiled shyly. “His name’s Alam. We took the same economics class in first year.”
“First year? So, this has been going on for over a year and you never told me?” Now it was my turn to glare at her.
“Hey, it’s been really hard to keep it a secret. You have no idea.” Shaila’s mouth turned down a little at the corners. “If my parents ever found out they’d kill me.”
“Why? He’s Bengali, right? And going to university? So, then what’s the problem?”
“Are you kidding? My mom wants me to marry someone with money so she can brag to all her stupid ladies from the club. Alam is smart and kind and funny, but he doesn’t have money.”
“So what? He’ll have money someday. You’ll both make it work.”
But Shaila was shaking her head. “There’s no point. Once I graduate in two years, Mom will find me a suitable groom and expect me to marry him.”
“But then what about Alam?” I’d never met him, but if Shaila loved him then I was sure he was a great guy. And she couldn’t just let her mom marry her off to som
e stranger.
“Rukhsana, when we started going out we knew this was a possibility. That’s just how it is here.”
That was ridiculous.
“But won’t you at least try?” Maybe her parents would understand.
“If I tell them then they’ll never let me out of the house. I won’t get to finish my degree or see Alam ever again.”
“Would they really do that?” I’d never liked Nusrat Mami, but Tanveer Mama was always kind and sweet. And he doted on Shaila. He wouldn’t want his only daughter to be in an unhappy marriage, would he?
“You have no idea, Rukhsana. They watch my every move as it is. The only time I feel free is when I’m at school.”
Shaila had no idea just how much I understood what she was going through.
“Tell me everything that I’ve missed!” I was in the study using Uncle Tanveer’s computer to Skype with Ariana. It was late Sunday night here, so Ariana was just waking up in the morning. The sight of her with tousled hair, her eyes still heavy with sleep, made my heart ache. I missed her so much and even though I could see and hear her, she still seemed out of reach.
“Oh my God, you’re not going to believe the drama that’s been happening here,” she said, perking up.
“What? Hurry up and tell me.”
“Well, remember how you and I were saying that Cody couldn’t be trusted? Well, he cheated on Rachel.”
“Are you serious? What a slimebag.”
“Right? Jen was so mad, she wanted to say something to him, but Rachel wouldn’t let her.”
“That’s because Rachel is too nice. I wish I was there. I could have convinced her to get back at him somehow.” I was fuming now, remembering how excited Rachel had been when Cody had asked her out. “How is she? I think I should call her after this.”
“That’s a good idea. She’ll be so happy to talk to you.” Ariana’s shoulders sagged and suddenly I felt really sad that I was so far away from her and all my friends.
“I can’t wait for you to get back,” she said.
“Me too. But it’s only a few more days now and then I’ll be home. I’ll message you when I’m able to Skype again, okay?”