by Sabina Khan
“It is definitely risky, and you have to know whom to trust. But can you honestly say that it’s that much better in the States? I mean, from what Mushtaq tells me, you have your own share of homophobia and hate crimes to deal with.”
My phone buzzed.
Panicked, I checked the time. How was it so late already?
I said a quick goodbye to Sohail, and a few minutes later the driver pulled up in front of the café.
“I’m so sorry,” I said to Shaila again as I climbed into the back seat. “You will never guess what Sohail wanted to tell me,” I whispered. I could barely contain my excitement, but Shaila glanced surreptitiously at the driver.
“Later,” she mouthed, and we both settled in for the long ride home.
“He’s gay.” The words burst out of my mouth as soon as I shut the door to my room.
Shaila collapsed on the edge of my bed with her mouth hanging open.
“No way. Are you serious?” she asked incredulously.
I nodded, unable to suppress my smile. “I swear, Shaila, this is better than I’d hoped. Do you know what this means?”
Shaila shook her head.
“It means I’m finally getting out of here.”
Ariana was calling. It was five in the morning and I thought I might be dreaming, but then I heard her sweet voice and I was wide awake.
“Rukhsana, it’s me. Are you okay now?”
“Yes, I am, but where were you?” I said. “I was so worried.”
“I know, I’m sorry. My parents took me to our cabin and they made me leave my phone at home.”
“Jen told me that you … I’m so sorry that I couldn’t call you. My parents—”
“I know,” she said softly. “Jen told me what happened. Are you really okay?”
“Not really. But I have a plan. This time it’s going to work.”
I wasn’t sure if I was trying to convince me or her.
“That’s what you said last time,” Ariana said, as if I needed to be reminded.
“It’s different this time. There’s someone who will help and wants to get out of here as much as I do.”
“What do you mean?”
I told her all about Sohail.
“The guy your parents want you to marry is going to help you get out?”
“I know it sounds weird, but he’s a really great guy.”
“Are you sure you can trust him?”
“Yes, I can,” I said. “I just told you. He’s gay and has as much to lose as I do if this doesn’t work.”
“Okay, I hope it works this time. I didn’t know what to think when you didn’t show up at the airport last time.”
“Ariana, I’m so sorry I put you through that.”
“You were dealing with worse, Rukhsana. I feel so useless. I’m sorry I can’t do anything to help.”
“Please don’t say that. I was so scared when—”
“Rukhsana.” Mom’s voice came from just outside the door. Shit.
“It’s my mom. I have to go.” I hung up, put my phone under my pillow, and closed my eyes. What was she doing up so early? She probably got up for her Fajr prayer, so she’d have more time to torture me during the day.
“Rukhsana,” she said again softly. I held my breath. How long has she been outside my door? Does she suspect anything?
I heard the door close softly, but I was too scared to open my eyes. Eventually I drifted off to sleep, but not before I promised myself that no matter what, I would make it out of here and back home to Ariana.
“I have great news,” Mom announced later that day, practically bouncing into the living room, where another selection of saris surrounded me. My brain hurt from having to make such life-altering decisions as which sari would be appropriate for visiting extended relatives of my yet-to-be-found in-laws.
“What happened?” I asked, feigning disinterest.
“Sohail’s mother called. It seems that he has made up his mind about you.”
I could proudly say that I had now perfected my poker face.
“Rukhsana, you should be happy. Why aren’t you more excited? Sohail is a catch. You are very lucky that he has decided he wants to marry you.” She looked proud of me and I wondered what exactly she thought I had accomplished here. Extreme likeability?
“Did she say what finally made up his mind?” I asked cautiously, wishing desperately that I could have listened in on that call.
“Not really. Just that she convinced him that this was the best thing for him. He is a good boy, he listens to his parents.”
As opposed to me, evil incarnate.
Later that evening, Sohail’s family came over for dinner to celebrate. We sat around the table, surrounded by an elaborate feast. I didn’t know how Rokeya threw this all together so fast. I imagined her in the kitchen like Molly Weasley in Harry Potter, using some sort of magic to make several dishes at the same time.
Sohail glanced surreptitiously at me and I looked away. If I started smiling, I might not be able to stop.
After dinner, our parents got down to the business of hammering out details like wedding dates and potential venues until the early hours of the morning.
The next afternoon Mom came to my room.
“Rukhsana, come downstairs with me. All the relatives are here, waiting to see you.”
She fanned herself with the aanchal of her sari.
“Sohail’s mother said the wedding has to take place in two weeks because he has to get back to work. I have so many things to do. I’m sending the wedding invitations for Aunty Meena and Uncle Maruf. Aamir will come with them.”
Joy surged through me at the thought of seeing my brother again. I’d feel so much better once he was here with me.
“When are they getting here?” I asked.
“They won’t be here until the day before the wedding, because Aamir has to finish up his exams. Aunty Meena was so disappointed that she won’t be here for the preparations. But at least they can come. I don’t know how I will do all this without her.”
At the mention of Aamir’s exams, I felt anger rising in me again. She didn’t care a bit about what this whole thing was doing to me. I should have been preparing for my finals, not picking out fabrics and getting beauty treatments. I’d worked hard to get good grades all my life, and now it was all ruined.
Some of my many cousins and aunts and uncles sat in the living room surrounded by boxes of sweets. I sat on the couch next to my grandmother and one by one they all congratulated me as they put pieces of sweets in my mouth. They wished me a happy married life, and as I smiled and hugged them, I couldn’t help wondering how they were able to shut out reality so completely. They had to know that something was going on, because there was no way Nusrat Mami would have kept her mouth shut. But they all acted as though this was a happy, normal occasion.
Mom was practically bouncing as she called even more family members. I had never seen her like this.
When I finally got a moment to myself, Nani took my hand and held it, silent at first. Then she turned to me and looked me deep in the eyes.
“My little spring bird, are you sure this is what you want?”
“Nani, you know I don’t have any other choice.” I gave her hands a tight squeeze. “Please don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
I didn’t want to talk about it here with everyone around, but she looked so worried that I couldn’t bear it.
“I have a plan. But I can’t tell you here,” I whispered in her ear.
She shook her head as she looked at the rest of the family sitting around the table, laughing and talking. “Not one of them cares about what you want,” she said bitterly. “How did I let them become like this?”
“It’s not your fault, Nani.” I tried to reassure her, but I knew she didn’t hear me. She was lost in her own guilt and powerlessness over what was happening to me.
Much later, after most of the guests had left, I took Nani up to her room to help her get settled in bed. Then
I told her about Sohail and our plan.
“He sounds like a very good boy. I am happy that you have found someone who is kind and who will help you.” Her eyelids were getting heavy and I remembered how late it was.
“You should go to sleep,” I said softy, before sliding off her bed.
“Just like my Raju,” she murmured as I quietly slipped out the door.
“Have you talked to Ariana again?” Shaila asked me the next day, while we drank chai in my room. I was supposed to go down when the tailors came, but in the meantime, I was enjoying the break from Mom in her intense wedding prep mode.
“I did last night.”
“How is she doing with all this?” Shaila stood to put a stack of saris in the cupboard.
“To be honest, I’m not sure. I finally told her about the whole jinn-catcher thing,” I said. “And my friend Jen told me that Ariana had to go away for a few days after I didn’t show up at the airport.”
“How did she react? What do you mean go away?”
“Apparently, her parents took her to their cabin. She seemed reluctant to talk about it when I asked her.”
Shaila sat back down and finished her tea.
“She probably feels weird talking about it after what you’ve gone through, you know?”
“But why would she?” I said. “I asked her about it because I wanted to know.”
“Maybe she feels like her problems seem trivial compared to yours.”
That was pretty much what Ariana had said.
“Probably,” I said. “Telling her about the jinn-catcher definitely didn’t help. I need to make sure she knows her feelings always matter.”
Shaila pressed her lips together like she was going to say something.
“What?” I asked when she looked like she was going to burst.
“It’s just that …”
“What?” I said, a little too loudly.
“Nothing, I just don’t think it’s that simple.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what’s your plan exactly?” Shaila stood and began to pace. “Let’s say it all works this time. Where are you going to go? Even if you both end up going to Caltech, what happens to you and Ariana then? Your family will never accept her, and it won’t be long before she resents you for that.”
I did not like the turn this conversation was taking. But like it or not, there was some truth to what Shaila was saying. I just wasn’t ready to face it. I hadn’t really thought about what would happen after I got back to Seattle. I’d been a little preoccupied with just getting there. I figured I could stay with someone, maybe Jen or Rachel, until the end of the school year. But I couldn’t avoid my family forever.
“Look, Rukhsana.” Shaila came and sat beside me on the bed again. “All I’m saying is that you’re not the only one who’ll be dealing with this. Ariana is going to be as much of a target as you are. So, you have to decide if you’re willing to put her through all of it.”
I felt a little betrayed by Shaila in that moment, so I stared back at her in stony silence.
The cloying sweetness of incense filled the air. I watched helplessly as the jinn-catcher came closer, his piercing eyes looking deeper into mine, until it felt like he could see into my soul. Suddenly I was gazing down at myself. But then everything rearranged itself and it was Ariana lying there. She was terrified, her eyes wide and fearful as she looked beyond me at something I couldn’t see. I heard a resounding crack and my mom was bent over Ariana, who was crying for help. I tried to reach out to her, but I couldn’t move. I couldn’t do anything to help her and I began to scream.
I woke up with a start, my lungs starved for air. My sheets were damp with sweat and it took me a moment to figure out whether I was awake or still having a nightmare.
I lay back down and stared at the ceiling, waiting for my heart to stop pounding. I wanted to talk to Ariana again, but Shaila’s comments rang in my ears. I hated what she said, but I couldn’t deny the truth in her words.
The question was, could I guarantee that I wouldn’t put her in such a situation again? I had no way of knowing what was going to happen in the coming months. And I had to wonder, did Ariana have any idea what she was signing on for?
Was I willing to drag her into this mess my life had become? It would never end; I knew that. Even if I was able to get back to Seattle, it wasn’t as if I could pretend my family didn’t exist. How could I let Ariana become a target of such overt homophobia? They would never leave us alone. She deserved better than that. In my heart, I knew what I had to do, no matter how difficult it would be.
But then again, I couldn’t not have Ariana in my life.
After a while, I realized I was just going around in circles. Clearly any decision I made tonight would be a bad one.
I woke up the next day determined not to think about Ariana because I needed time to clear my head. I also didn’t want to be around Shaila because I was still angry at her. I knew it was childish, but I just wanted her to be on my side.
A couple of days flew by as Mom went all out to satisfy Parveen’s demands. Deep inside, I was glad for the distraction and was able to push away all thoughts of the decision I knew I had to make, until I checked my phone and found several missed calls from Ariana. She must have called while I was in the shower.
I sat on my bed for the longest time, staring at the phone and going over everything in my head. I had no idea what I would say to her or exactly how I would break her heart. Maybe she would be relieved. But I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer.
She answered on the second ring.
“Rukhsana … are you okay?” she said, a little breathlessly. It was early morning in Seattle and I pictured her in bed, her brown hair tousled from sleep.
“Yes, I’m fine.” My voice was steady, concealing my lie. “I’m sorry I haven’t called; things have been so hectic.”
The truth was that I’d been avoiding her. Because since my conversation with Shaila, all I could think about was this. If I really loved her, I wouldn’t want her to be with someone like me. Someone with so much baggage that every little step felt like an uphill battle.
And, if I was being completely honest with myself, I had to accept the fact that Ariana would never be able to truly understand the reality of my situation, the pressure and the guilt. It would follow us, no matter how far away we got. And I knew I’d rather break up and preserve the good memories than put her through all of that.
“Ariana, there’s something I have to tell you.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I can’t do this anymore.”
I could almost see her processing what I was saying across the silence that hung like a weight between us. “What do you mean?” Her voice shook, but I had to push through.
“I mean that staying together is too hard. And trust me, if I’ve learned anything in the past few weeks, it’s that it won’t get any easier for us.”
“So, what, now you just want to throw it all away? After everything we’ve been through?” I could feel the hurt in her voice and my heart broke piece by piece. It wasn’t too late; I could take back what I’d said. But something inside me wouldn’t let me take the easy way out.
“I love you, Ariana, you know that. Nothing can change that. You don’t know what it’s like. And I’m sort of glad that you don’t. But I don’t get a choice in this matter. My family, my community, they’re never going to accept us. And I can’t put you through that. I love you too much.”
There was silence at the other end. I couldn’t tell if she was crying. I wanted to reach out to her, to hold her and tell her we would figure it all out. But I would be lying. I couldn’t see a way through this.
“Do I get to have a say in all this?” Ariana’s teary voice came over the phone. “Or is it entirely up to you? I can decide for myself whether I want to be in this relationship or not. And I’ve decided that I do. I don’t care how hard it is.”
My heart dropped in my chest. In that moment, I loved her m
ore than ever. And that made it even harder for me to say what I knew I had to.
“Ariana, try to understand. This won’t work.” I tried to make my voice as firm as I could; I didn’t want her to know that I was falling apart on the inside.
“I don’t believe you.” Ariana’s tone was sharp. “You’ve just been through a lot, and maybe you can’t see it right now. But I believe in us. I’ll never stop believing in us.” The last few words came out shaky and I knew she’d started to cry. I choked back my own tears as my breath shook.
“Ariana, I think it’s best for you to move on.” There. I’d said it. The final nail in the coffin. It was better this way. She would find happiness with someone else. And somehow, I would live my life without Ariana by my side. At this moment, it felt like an impossible task. But knowing that Ariana might at least have a shot at a normal relationship made it worth the pain that was flooding my heart.
“Don’t do this, Rukhsana.” Her voice came through, defeated and small. I forced back a sob. I couldn’t let her know how much this hurt me.
“I love you, Ariana. I’m so sorry.”
And then I hung up, severing the final thread that bound us together.
I woke disoriented, my pillow wet. The memory crashed into me like a wave. Ariana. My heart ached for the sound of her voice, the touch of her skin against mine. I didn’t want to move, to feel. I just wanted to hold on to that space where I’d spoken to Ariana, that moment where I was still connected to her.
I heard a gentle knock and Shaila walked in. Worry lined her face as she sat on my bed.
“Rukhsana, I’m sorry for what I said to you the other day. You know I’ve always been too scared to go against my parents. But I look at you, and you’re fighting for something you believe in.”
She couldn’t have picked a worse time to tell me this. But it wasn’t her fault. The decision had been mine. She’d just told me something I already knew deep down inside.
“No, you were right. It would never work and it’s not fair to her.” My voice caught in my throat. The wound was still so fresh and I would have to build a shield around my heart, bit by bit, just to hold it together.