by Sabina Khan
“Shaila, your back must be killing you,” I said as the photographer took pictures of my hands and feet.
“It is,” she groaned as she stood up stiffly. “Let’s go get you something to eat before you pass out.”
I got up gingerly with Shaila holding up my sari so the bottom wouldn’t ruin the mehndi on my feet. I was useless for the rest of the evening since I couldn’t use my hands while the mehndi was still wet. Luckily, a slew of cousins fed me and made sure I stayed well hydrated.
As I looked around at all of them, excited for me and enjoying themselves, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit sad. I was going to have to give up all of this … this feeling of belonging to something much bigger than just my family in Seattle.
I pulled Shaila aside when the little cousins went off to show their mehndi to the rest of the family.
“Hey,” I said to her in a conspiratorial whisper when I was sure we were alone. “How is Alam doing?”
“He’s alright,” she said. “Rukhsana, I want to talk to you about something.”
“Sure,” I said. “What’s up?”
“Remember how you asked me why Alam and I won’t fight to be together?”
I nodded. I remembered very clearly.
“I do,” I said. “It’s just that … it’s easy to see how much you love each other.”
“We do,” Shaila said. “But we also love our families, our lives with them. We don’t want to jeopardize that either. Look at what you’re going through. You and your parents both. I don’t want to put them through that.”
I wanted to say that if her parents really loved her they would want her to be happy, truly happy. But I didn’t say that to her. Just because I was ready to go off on my own didn’t mean it was the same for her.
“I understand. It’s complicated, and as long as you’re happy, then that’s all I care about.” I didn’t want to tell her that we would probably never see each other again. Once I left on the day of my wedding, I was pretty sure the rest of the family would cut ties with me. They all had daughters to marry off, and rumors that there might be a lesbian cousin in the mix would most certainly ruin their chances.
By midnight, the mehndi was dry, but Shaila still had to help me get changed before bed. I could tell she was exhausted after hours of sitting hunched over doing all the cousins’ mehndi. She just couldn’t say no to the little ones. Before getting into bed, I went over all the details in my head one more time. I had to make sure to see Nani one last time before there were too many people in the house crowding her room.
I made a mental note to hide a change of clothes between the folds of my trousseau. Malik would be putting all my suitcases in the car beforehand since I was supposed to go home with Sohail to his family’s house after the wedding.
I’d stashed the money from the engagement in my purse, and Shaila would give me my passport just before I left. Sohail planned to meet me at the airport, and we would check in together. Aamir would be taking a cab with me to the airport and then going on to the wedding venue. Our parents would be too busy making sure the guests were happy and well-fed to notice how late it had gotten and that I was still not there.
I could hardly sleep with all the thoughts swirling around in my head. If everything went according to plan, this would be my last night here. By this time tomorrow, I’d be halfway back home, back to Ariana and my own life.
I awoke the next morning to the wailing sounds of a shehnai outside my window. I was pretty sure it was supposed to be playing when the groom’s party arrived, but somebody was probably having some fun with it.
I pulled out my suitcase from under the bed. I wasn’t taking any luggage with me, other than the carry-on duffel bag that I had traveled with from Seattle. I wanted to be as unencumbered as possible when I was making my getaway.
I’d already put in some of the outfits from my trousseau, but now I added a couple of T-shirts, two pairs of jeans, and a light hoodie between the layers of silk and chiffon. Next, I collected my everyday makeup items, put them in a small plastic pouch, and put it in my purse. I looked around. Was I forgetting anything? Nani.
I walked quickly across the landing to her room. Luckily, she was awake, and there was no one else in her room yet. Bending down to hug her, I took her hand and sat on the edge of her bed. I brushed away the grey hair on her forehead and tried not to think about how much I would miss her.
“Is everything taken care of, Rukhsana? Is there anything you need?” she asked me, cupping my cheek.
“No, Nani.” I shook my head. “Aamir is helping me. And when I’m back home I’ll get in touch with you somehow, I promise.”
I hoped I could keep that promise. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
“Ammu, bring me my purse from over there,” she said, pointing to a chair across the room. I jumped up and brought it to her. She fished out an envelope. “I was going to give this to you as a wedding present someday. Since I don’t know when I’ll see you again, why not today?” she said, handing it to me.
I opened it. Inside was a lot of cash.
“Nani, I can’t take this,” I said, in shock. “It’s too much.”
“Rukhsana, you are my granddaughter. The heart of my heart. Nothing is too much. What will I do with all this money? I will die soon. But you … you have your whole life to live. And you have chosen a difficult path. I know how hard that can be.”
“Nani … I can’t …”
“Are you going to refuse your nani this little bit of happiness? Rukhsana, knowing that I have helped you even a little bit makes me so happy. Don’t you want me to be happy?” she said, her eyes twinkling.
Nani was always a master at persuading me.
I bent down to kiss her forehead. “You’ve helped more than you can ever imagine, Nani. You’re standing by me and I’ll never forget that.” I lifted her hand to my lips and kissed it. “I have to go now, Nani. I love you.” I could barely see through my tears, but her voice floated after me.
“Come back one day, my spring bird.”
I carried her words in my heavy heart as I went back to my room for the final preparations.
I had convinced Mom that I wanted Shaila to do my makeup for tonight. She was too preoccupied with everything else to pay too much attention to me. At least I wouldn’t have to change from full bridal mode to casual traveler somewhere between here and the airport.
Our flight to LA was at two o’clock in the morning, and Sohail and I would have to get to the airport by eleven o’clock tonight. We both lived fairly close to the airport, but with traffic it would take at least two hours to get there. That gave me until nine o’clock tonight to sneak out. Thankfully Bengali weddings traditionally started late and went on until well past midnight, so I wouldn’t be expected to leave the house until later in the evening anyway. The last thing I wanted was to make my parents suspicious.
Dad and Tanveer Mama had gone to check on the caterers, and Mom and Nusrat Mami were sorting out gifts of jewelry that some relatives had chosen to deliver to the house rather than risk having it stolen at the busy wedding venue. I used this opportunity to pop into the study and send off an email to Irfan, who was meeting me at the airport. I made sure to leave no evidence of my correspondence on the computer. Once they realized I was missing that would be the first thing they would check. I also had to figure out a way to protect Shaila from any fallout. I would not let anything bad happen to her this time.
By four in the afternoon, I was ready and packed. I took a long bath and dried and straightened my hair. Mom came by around six.
“Rukhsana, Daddy and I are leaving for the hall to check on everything. Make sure you start getting ready on time, we don’t want to keep everyone waiting.”
She stepped closer and cupped my face in her hands.
“I am proud of you, for making the right choice. You have remembered your values, I’m very happy to see that. You have not let us down,” she said with a satisfied smile.
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br /> If there was even an ounce of guilt left over what I was about to do, it completely dissipated. And any shred of respect I had left for my mother disappeared along with it. I was glad we’d talked, because she had just made my decision a hell of a lot easier.
“Don’t worry, Mom, we’ll get there on time. Although I might send Shaila ahead of me with my stuff. She can look after Nani. You all will be pretty busy, right?”
“That’s a good idea. I’ll send Malik back for you. The nikaah is not until nine o’clock, and knowing these people, they’re not going to come on time. No use for you to wait and get all sweaty. Okay, ammu, I will see you there.”
Suddenly it hit me. This was probably the last time I would see my mom. Or at least the last time she’d want to see me. I stood and gave her a long hug.
“See you there,” I said softly as she turned around and left the room.
Okay, so Shaila was in the clear. Malik wouldn’t get in trouble because I wouldn’t be here when he came back for me. Once Shaila left, the house would be empty, so no one would notice Aamir and me getting into a cab. He would ride with me to the airport in a cab and make up some excuse about why he was late to the venue.
An hour later, Shaila showed up in my room with my passport and put it in my purse immediately. I flitted around the room picking up little things here and there that had accumulated in the last two months. It was hard to believe that it had been that long already. I stopped in the middle of closing my suitcase and looked over at Shaila, sitting on the edge of my bed.
“Shaila, I don’t know when I’m going to see you again. I’m going to miss you so much.” My eyes welled up with tears.
We put our arms around each other and stood like that for a long time.
“I know it won’t be anytime soon, right?” Shaila stroked my hair. “You promise you’ll be in touch with Aamir to let us know that you’re alright?”
I nodded. We’d planned for Aamir to be the go-between for Shaila and me. Shaila would keep Nani updated so that she didn’t worry about me.
“As soon as I can. And you have to promise that you’ll do what makes you happy. And tell Nani I love her.”
I hadn’t told Shaila about the diary. I’d thought about it, but I felt as if I’d be betraying Nani’s confidence. It would remain our little secret.
“You should get going,” I told her now. “I don’t want them getting suspicious.”
Footsteps approached outside the door.
“I thought everyone was at the hall,” I whispered.
“Quick, get in the bathroom.” Shaila waited for the door to open as I disappeared.
There was a knock. I heaved a sigh of relief. Mom never knocked.
“Shaila Apa, Malik is here and ready to take you.” It was Rokeya.
“Okay, tell him I’ll be down in ten minutes.”
After Rokeya left, I came out.
“Oh my God, I almost peed in my pants there.” I laughed shakily. My whole body was trembling. For a second I’d thought that Mom had suspected me all along and was just tricking me so she could catch me in the act.
“You need to go now, Shaila. Aamir said the cab will be here soon. I think I’m just going to change now. I don’t want to drag the suitcase down the stairs. Rokeya might hear me.”
I gave her one last hug and then I stepped back as she left the room. I would see her again, I promised myself. I would not lose my cousin … my sister.
After I changed my clothes, I sat on my bed, waiting for Aamir to text me about the cab. He had asked the driver to park a short distance away from the house, so Rokeya wouldn’t see anything.
A few minutes later, my phone pinged with a text from Aamir.
My pulse quickened as I took one last look around, grabbed my stuff, and went out. I was careful to tread softly down the stairs in case Rokeya was close by. After every few steps, I paused to make sure no one was coming. It looked like the coast was clear.
Taking a deep breath, I sprinted down the remaining steps and dashed out the front door to freedom. I didn’t relax until I was finally in the cab with Aamir, heading toward the airport.
I squeezed Aamir’s hand tightly as we sat in the back seat. Words weren’t necessary. He was my brother and he would always have my back, just like I would always have his.
As expected, it took us almost two hours to reach the airport.
The cab dropped me off at the international departures terminal. After refusing to let Aamir come in with me and one last tight hug, I got out, only to find myself swarmed by the dozens of coolies who were hoping to make a little money by carrying people’s luggage for them. When they saw I didn’t have anything except my duffel bag and purse, they dispersed, looking for more lucrative opportunities.
I went in and checked the board for flight information. As I scanned the digital display, I groaned. My flight was delayed due to technical difficulties.
I debated checking in and waiting at the gate. But in the end, I decided to stay outside security and wait for Sohail. We would have plenty of time after he got here.
Ten minutes after I sent the text, there was still no reply. I looked at my watch. Eleven fifteen. Technically he was late, since he didn’t know that our flight was delayed. Or maybe he found out and decided to come a little later. It would have been nice if he’d texted me back.
What if his parents caught him?
The thought came to me unbidden and I glanced around nervously. I felt as if there was someone watching me. I shook myself mentally. I was just being paranoid. My parents and the rest of the family were all at the wedding hall, receiving guests. By now they would have started trickling in, the ladies all decked out in their best finery, the young ones vying for attention, hoping to catch the eye of some young man from the groom’s side. Or maybe a mother looking for a bride for her son would take a liking to one of them and send out inquiries in the next few days. No one would expect to see me until much later. It was the prerogative of the bride to take her time.
I checked my phone again. Eleven forty-five.
The line at the check-in counter was getting longer, winding around the belted security stands. I decided it was time to get going and joined the line.
As I stood there waiting, I wondered if anyone had noticed that I was missing yet. Maybe Mom had called home to find out what was keeping me. Rokeya would have come to find me. She would see the suitcase with half my trousseau lying on the bed. She would check the bathroom, then look for me in all the other rooms before telling my mother that I was gone.
Would Shaila be able to lie convincingly? Would they get angry at her?
I texted Aamir.
My phone pinged immediately.
No missed calls from my parents yet. So, the alarm hadn’t been sounded yet. If I could just get through the check-in line and airport security, I would be home free.
The line moved at a painstakingly slow pace and it was another thirty minutes before I was finally standing in front of an agent. I checked in and then made my way through all the security checkpoints. Finally, another half hour later, I was walking toward my gate.
Just then my phone buzzed.
Finally. It was about time that he called back.
But the number wasn’t Sohail’s. It was Tanveer Mama’s.
So, they had finally discovered that I was gone. Or maybe they were still trying to figure out why I hadn’t shown up yet.
I let the call go to voicemail and checked the departures board again. Thankfully, there were no more delays.
My stomach growled and I realized I hadn’t eaten in over eleven hours. I walked over to the café to get some food before settling into a spot by the gate to await boarding, watching as the waiting area slowly filled up.
I looked at my phone again. Still nothing from Sohail. But about a dozen missed calls from Tanveer Mama’s number. Obviously, they had figured it out by now. And even though I was confident they couldn’t just waltz through security and drag me away from here, I
couldn’t stop the sliver of panic that crept through me.
The flight status had been updated. Boarding would begin in thirty minutes. I took out Nani’s diary, flipped to the page where I had stopped last time, and began to read.
It has been many months since I have written here. By the mercy of Allah, I had a baby boy. Arif and mother-in-law were very pleased and have been treating me well. They named him Tanveer and had a big celebration for his naming ceremony. Many people were invited and even my parents came. Two goats and a cow were slaughtered for the korma and biryani that were served. Mother-in-law made the sweet rice herself. She said she will teach me how to make it one day. She does not put Tanveer down at all. He is always in her arms, while she sings and talks to him all day. Arif is always in a good mood when he comes home nowadays. He will pick up the baby and make silly sounds for a long time. Zubaida watches him, but she does not go to him that much anymore. She has become very quiet. She’s not my naughty girl anymore. When Arif comes to me at night, he is gentle. He doesn’t want to wake Tanveer. I am still doing all the housework while mother-in-law plays with Tanveer. She calls me when it is time to feed him and change him. Then she takes him back and tells me to finish my work.
I looked up as a mother and son took the two seats beside me.
As they settled in, I thought about Tanveer Mama. His birth had changed my grandmother’s life. It sounded like things had gotten better for her. But I felt sad for my mother. It must have been hard growing up knowing that your father didn’t love you. And to see him showing so much love to his son must have hurt. I knew a little bit about that, and I wished I could have talked to Mom about why she always favored Aamir over me as I was growing up.
I flipped to a later section of the diary. I was impatient to see if she had written anything about my mom when she was older. I found a page that looked promising and began to read again.