by Hanna Peach
Afterwards, I lay along his naked body, making patterns on his chest with my finger. I forgot who I was and that I lived in a cage and it was just dream-Noriko and dream-Keir back together again.
“How’s your father?” I asked him.
“He’s lost now that he’s not working for the Blackwells anymore but…he couldn’t stay.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. You don’t have to keep apologizing for it.”
“It still feels like my fault,” I said quietly.
His hands came under my arms and he pulled me up along his body so we were nose to nose. “Stop blaming yourself. None of it was your fault.”
I ran my hand through his hair and found the knotted scar on his scalp left from when he hit his head against the edge of the table when Drake shoved him.
“I’m sorry you couldn’t go with the circus,” I said. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come with you.”
“That doesn’t matter anymore. I’m here with you and I’m not going anywhere.”
“I wish we could see each other more than these secret meetings. They’re so few and far between. I wish I could find a way to get free…so we could be together always.”
If only I could find a way… But I couldn’t do it alone. I needed help.
He loves you, you know. If Carter loved me, maybe he would help me?
“What are you plotting?” Keir said, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Plotting?”
“I can always tell when you’re plotting.”
“I’m not plotting anything.”
“I can always tell when you’re lying.”
I snuggled further into him. “But you love me anyway, don’t you?”
“Utterly. Isn’t it enough that you still get to see me?”
At first, it was enough. Getting to see Keir sometimes kept me from going insane. But I was still here. I was still a prisoner. I wanted my freedom. Just as much as I wanted my freedom I wanted Drake to get what he deserved. And I wanted what I deserved.
Maybe there was a way…if I was brave enough to do what I needed to do.
“Noriko,” he said breaking me out of my thoughts. He brushed back my hair from my forehead. “If you reach for too much, you might lose everything.”
You can’t talk, I thought bitterly. You’re free. Free forever. While I’m still here. Still trapped.
His eyes went to the clock on bedside table. I buried my head against his neck, tears already prickling in my eyes at what I knew he was about to say.
“I should go.”
My heart cracked and the light around me began to dim. I felt myself being dragged back into the darkness that I now lived in. “Can’t you stay a little longer?”
“You know I can’t.”
He pulled me back so he could see my face. “Hey. You know I’ll be back soon.”
“When?”
“I don’t know.”
He kissed me and I kissed him back, refusing to let go. I gripped him like he might just disappear and I rolled on top of him, letting my knees fall on either side of him, pressing my hips against him. He stiffened and moaned and I felt myself getting wet again. Even now I couldn’t get enough of him.
With his hands gently around my shoulders he pushed me back from his mouth. “I know what you’re trying to do. I can’t stay.”
I didn’t give up yet. I slipped my hand down between us and wrapped my fingers around him. “Please, Keir. Don’t leave. Not yet.”
His eyes closed and he let out a moan as I slid my hand across him. “If you had your way,” he said, “I’d never leave.”
If I were freed from here, you wouldn’t ever have to leave me, you wouldn’t have to slip in and out of my bedroom like a beautiful dream.
I thought for a moment that I had convinced him to stay, but with what appeared to be considerable effort, he took my hand and moved it off him. “I have to go.”
He lifted me aside him on the mattress and he swung his legs out of the bed to start the process of dressing.
I curled into a ball and tucked my face into my hands. I couldn’t watch him leave. I couldn’t bear it. Tears pricked in my eyes and the pain of losing him seared fresh in my heart.
The mattress depressed and he placed a kiss on my cheek. I didn’t turn my face to him for a proper kiss. I couldn’t stand his goodbye kisses.
“I’ll see you soon,” he said.
Then he was gone. And everything went dark again. And I fell down down down into my well.
35
“Dr. Grayson,” I said to him at our next session. “Last session you said you wanted to be friends instead of being my therapist.”
“That’s right.”
I looked at him through my lashes. “I think I’d like that.”
“That’s great.”
“Because I want to know more about you.”
“Me?”
“If that’s okay with you. We can just talk. Like friends. Get to know each other. I get the sense that we’re…kindred spirits.”
His eyes lit up and he scooted to the edge of his seat. “I’d love that, Noriko.”
Keir was right. He was in love with me.
I could use this. I wasn’t sure how yet, but…I could use this.
I smiled shyly at him, my hands sitting demurely in my lap. “What made you become a therapist, Dr. Grayson?”
“Please just call me Carter. I guess I always liked to help people.”
“How long had you been a therapist before you met me?”
“Eight, maybe nine years.”
“Do you like it?”
He smiled. “For the most part, I do.”
“What don’t you like about it?”
“It’s hard when…when you realize that you can’t help someone.” Something in his mood darkened. “As a therapist you try to help all your patients get better, but you can’t help them all.” He blinked and the darkness was gone. “Can I ask you a question now?”
“Of course.”
“Tell me about your relationship with Drake.”
I stiffened. He hadn’t ever asked me outright about Drake. “What do you want to know?”
He peered at me. “Anything you want to tell me.”
“He provides for me,” I said. “I get everything I need here to live…food, water, shelter, clothes…”
“But…?”
I said nothing. In my lap, my hands gripped in tight fists.
Carter moved towards me. The couch depressed as he sat, a little too close for just friends. It felt like he was crowding me, but I forced myself to remain where I was. He placed his hand on my shoulder. “It helps to talk about it with someone you trust. You’re in a safe space here.”
Slowly I turned my face to him. “And you won’t tell anyone?”
“Not a soul.”
“Not even…”
“Not even Drake. I’m bound to you by client privilege. Anything you reveal to me in our sessions I won’t repeat.” He smiled and squeezed my shoulder slightly, his eyes flicking down to my mouth before darting back up to my eyes.
“Carter…” I lowered my voice, forcing him to lean in closer so he could hear me, “Drake is a monster.”
His eyes flicked around my body as if he was looking for something. “Does he hit you?” he finally asked.
Anger rose up in me. Was that what Drake had to do before anyone would help me? Did he have to start beating me before I was considered a victim? Was everything he did okay because…at least he didn’t hit me?
I almost lied and said yes. But it would have done more harm than good. I had no physical signs of abuse on me. Only the emotional ones.
I turned my head. “I don’t want to talk anymore today.”
I wasn’t sure how to approach Carter now. I thought he would have just believed me, assumed the worst. But he wasn’t so easily led. I needed to know more about him. I needed to figure out who he was. Then I could figure out how to “get�
� him.
* * *
At our next session, I was standing at my formal living room window staring out to the gardens when Carter was shown in. The garden was different now that Keir was gone. The bushes were trimmed back in uneven lines. Weeds grew unchecked in the flowerbeds. The new gardener didn’t seem to care. Not like Keir did. He didn’t have Keir’s hands or his careful touch. My stomach twinged when I thought of him. I missed him so much. There wasn’t a minute that went by that I didn’t feel his absence. I’d give anything to have him be the one approaching me from behind. He’d slip his arms around me and I’d melt into his warmth.
“Noriko,” Carter burst through into my world.
I spun.
He smiled warmly at me. “How are you feeling today?”
“I feel better today.”
“Good. That’s good.”
“Thanks to you,” I added.
His cheeks flushed. “Shall we sit?”
“Who was she?” I asked softly.
“What are you talking about?”
“The woman you were so scared to talk about the other day. Your ex-patient.”
“How did you…?” With startled eyes he stared at me. I had guessed right. The skeleton in his closet had been a woman.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I shouldn’t have asked. It’s just…you looked so sad when you were talking about not being to help all your patients. I just wondered if you were thinking of someone in particular.” I smiled encouragingly.
“No, no one.” He was lying.
“There’s a pain…” I said softly. I stepped closer to him and watched as his eyes widened. I placed the tips of my fingers to his heart. “Here. Right here.” I traced across his chest and heard his intake of breath. “It helps to talk about it with someone you trust. Isn’t that what you said to me yesterday?”
“I-I did, but−”
“Don’t you trust me?”
“I do…”
I pressed my palm flat to his chest. His heart thudded under my hand like a baby bird. “I want to know you, Carter. Really know you.”
He stared at me, his mouth parting and closing. But he revealed nothing.
I let the disappointment rise to my face and dropped my hand off him. “I thought you wanted to be friends.”
“I do.”
I walked across the room, took the seat I always took and stared at the spot on the carpet I always stared at. He followed close behind me and knelt beside me. “How about we talk about something else.”
I said nothing. I didn’t even blink.
“Noriko, please.” He slipped a hand onto my knee. My skin crawled underneath him, but I made no motion to speak or to look at him, only my chest moved in and out slightly in my peripheral.
I heard him sigh and the weight on my knee increased as his shoulders slumped. “I haven’t really spoken about it,” he said quietly, “not really. I mean, they made me go to therapy after it happened, the terms of my remaining licensed. I mean, me, in therapy.” He let out a curt laugh but there was no humor in it.
Only then did I look at him. His face was at my height. I couldn’t see his eyes as his downcast light brown, almost golden lashes hid them from me.
“Sit here,” I said as I patted the space next to me. “Close to me.”
He shifted from the floor to the seat. I placed my hand on his hand, still on my knee. “I can see you need to talk to someone about this. We’re friends now. Tell me what happened.”
He took a deep breath and let it out. “Her name was Sheryl. She was a patient of mine a few years ago.”
“Sheryl. That’s a pretty name.”
“It is. And she was. She was young, maybe mid-twenties, beautiful, and already diagnosed with manic depression. She was having delusions. Borderline schizophrenic.” He sighed. “What a waste of a life.”
“What happened to her?”
“She was convinced that her husband was hurting her and that he kept accusing her of having an affair. But her husband refuted her story and she had no bruises to confirm all this violence that she was convinced he was inflicting on her. Her husband…well, he was a well-respected doctor, graduated a few years ahead of me from Harvard with top honors, so…who was I to believe?”
Who said that violence needed to result in bruises? Who better to hurt her without leaving evidence? But I kept these thoughts to myself. “That’s understandable, Carter,” I said instead.
“One session she was inconsolable. She believed that he was going to kill her. I shouldn’t have but I…comforted her. Her husband burst in and saw us. It looked bad. It wasn’t what it looked like, it was totally innocent, but it looked bad. Real bad. Oh God.” He buried his face in his hands.
He was lying. The amount of guilt radiating off of him made me distrust his denial of an affair. I was sure they had been doing something, Sheryl and he.
“It’s okay, Carter.” I shushed at him and I gently pulled his fingers with my hands to lower them into our laps. I didn’t let go of his hands and he didn’t pull away. “You don’t have to continue if you don’t want to.”
“I’m okay. I’m okay.” He took in a deep breath. “Her husband turned into something else…almost inhuman. He was furious. Enraged. I’d never seen anyone so angry. He pulled out a gun… He shot her. Right in the face, her beautiful face…”
“Oh God,” I whispered. “That’s horrible.”
“When he realized what he’d done…he started screaming. He dropped to his knees beside her and he held her, blood all over him, rocking, crying.”
I tried to swallow the knot that had formed in my throat. “What happened to him?”
“At first I couldn’t move. I could barely breathe. It was like I was stuck in a crazy nightmare. There was so much blood. Oh God, so much blood. Then I saw the gun that he had dropped on the floor. I moved slowly towards it. His eyes went wild when he noticed me. I leapt for the gun, he grabbed for it the same time. We tussled. But he was too strong. He knocked his elbow into my jaw and the gun came loose in my hands. He had it. For a second I was staring down the barrel, that tiny black hole signaling the end of my life. And I thought, what do I have to show for it? What have I really done in this life that was worthwhile?”
I gasped. “Carter−”
“But he didn’t shoot. He turned the gun on himself and…” His face crumpled.
I saw him now. I knew why he carried a gun. I knew why I was so appealing to him. On some level he wasn’t in love with me, he was in love with the idea of saving me. Like he couldn’t save her.
“I thought I was dead,” he said, “but I was given a second chance. A second chance at life and…what have I done with it?”
“You can’t think that way.” I gripped his hands tightly in mine. “You’re a good man, Carter. I believe you are. You need to know that.”
His bottom lip wavered. I leaned in and softly captured it between my lips. He didn’t pull away. I brushed the tip of my tongue against his mouth, a request for him to part them for me. A request to let me in. He tore his mouth off mine, turning his head. I was so sure he would kiss me back.
“Noriko, we can’t. It’s wrong.”
“Why is it wrong?”
“You’re my patient,” he said before adding, “and your husband…”
I moved in too soon. I could see the shock in his eyes. He needed more time to get used to the idea of being with me. I needed to pull back. “You’re right. Oh, Carter, forgive me.”
“Of course.”
“Please, tell me you won’t stop seeing me? I would die if you left me. You’re the only one who cares about me.”
“Your husband cares−”
“He doesn’t. Not really. He cares about me like he cares for his cars or his clothes.”
“Noriko−”
“I just couldn’t help myself…you make me feel things…”
I could see him fighting with himself; the drama playing out beautifully on his face as I clutched at his shoulders
. I flung myself dramatically against him, my arms going around him to clutch at him, scrunching his crisp white business shirt in my hands. “Please, I promise I won’t kiss you again. Just say that you’ll keep seeing me. I can’t lose you.”
His arms came up around me to hug me back. “Of course I won’t stop treating you.” His breath grew hot and heavy against my neck, his fingertips pressing lightly into my skin. “Of course I won’t.”
“Thank you, Carter,” I whispered. “Thank you.”
Over his shoulder I allowed myself a small smile.
36
I planned out my next session with Carter carefully. I chose a summer dress patterned in lace and small violet flowers, a perfect picture of innocence. It buttoned up the front to a square neck that sat just at the start of the curve of my breasts. It wasn’t so different from what I usually wore, but there was something quietly sexy about the outfit.
I had just finished draping various materials and patterns from my sewing studio all over the formal living area when I heard a knock at the entrance to my apartment.
“Just a minute,” I called as I walked to the door.
I partially undid my top button. At some point during our session it would innocently pop open and, at the right angle, show off a slip of my white lacy bra.
I opened the door and smiled. “Dr. Grayson. Please come in.”
I turned and walked across the room. I heard his footsteps behind me and felt his eyes on my ass.
“I’m so sorry about the state of this place,” I said, waving my hand casually about the room. “For the first time in a long time I suddenly got inspired and I wanted to take on a small project.” In the middle of the room I spun to face him.
He stopped abruptly before me. “That’s wonderful to hear, Noriko.”
“I’m starting to feel…more alive,” I said, smiling. I wasn’t lying. My hope for freedom, which had been crushed when Keir left, had now returned. “And it’s all thanks to you, Carter.”
He cleared his throat. “What, er, what kind of project are you undertaking?”
“It’s perhaps quite adventurous of me, seeing as I haven’t made anything for anyone in a long time. But I wanted to make a robe. I thought this material would suit wonderfully.” I held up a blue terrycloth material. “Don’t you?”