A note on the first page forbade any profane person to glance at the book under penalty of death. The word “illuminated,” here given to the associates of the Secret Tribunal, unfolds their entire mission: they had to track down in the shadows those who worshipped the darkness; they counterchecked mysteriously those who conspired against society in favour of mystery; but they were themselves the secret soldiers of light, who cast the light of day on criminal plottings, and it is this which was signified by a sudden splendour illuminating the Tribunal when it pronounced sentence.
So now we have to add Charlemagne to the list of the Illuminated—along with Zoroaster, Joachim of Floris, Jefferson, Washington, Aaron Burr, Hitler, Marx, and Madame Blavatsky. Could this all be a hoax?
ILLUMINATI PROJECT: MEMO #18
8/9
J.M.:
My last memo may have been too hasty in using the past tense in speaking about the Holy Vehm. I find that Darual thinks they may still exist (History of Secret Societies, op. cit., p. 211):
These terrible courts were never formally abolished. They were reformed by various monarchs, but even in the nineteenth century it was said that they still existed, though very much underground. The Nazi werewolves and resistance organizations fighting the Communist occupation of East Germany claimed that they were carrying on the tradition of the “Chivalrous and Holy Vehm.” Perhaps they still are.
Pat
Federal Court for the 17th District of New York State. Plaintiffs: John Feather, Samuel Arrows, et al. Defendants: Bureau of Indian Affairs, Department of the Interior, and President of the United States. For plaintiffs: Hagbard Celine. For the defendants: George Kharis, John Alucard, Thomas Moriarity, James Moran. Presiding: Justice Quasimodo Immhotep.
MR. FEATHER (concluding): And it will be because men do not speak words but speak shit!
MR. KHARIS: Your honor, I move that the last speech be stricken from the record as irrelevant and immaterial.
We are dealing here with a practical question, the need of the people of New York for this dam, and Mr. Feather’s superstitions are totally beside the point.
MR. CELINE: Your honor, the people of New York have survived a long time without a dam in that particular place. They can survive longer without it. Can anything survive, anything worth having, if our words become, as Mr. Feather says, excrement? Can anything we can reasonably call American Justice survive, if the words of our first President, if the sacred honor of George Washington is destroyed, if his promise that the Mohawk could keep these lands “as long as the mountain stands and the grass is green,” if all that becomes nothing but excrement?
MR. KHARIS: Counsel is not arguing. Counsel is making speeches.
MR. CELINE: I am speaking from the heart. Are you—or are you speaking excrement that you are ordered to speak by your superiors?
MR. ALUCARD: More speeches.
MR. CELINE: More excrement
JUSTICE IMMHOTEP: Control yourself, Mr. Celine.
MR. CELINE: I am controlling myself. Otherwise, I would speak as frankly as my client and say that most of the speeches here are plain old shit. Why do I say “excrement” at all, if it isn’t, like you people, to disguise a little what we are all doing? It’s shit. Plain shit.
JUSTICE IMMHOTEP: Mr. Celine, you are coming very close to contempt of court. I warn you.
MR. CELINE: Your honor, we speak the tongue of Shakespeare, of Milton, of Melville. Must we go on murdering it? Must we tear it away from its last umbilical connection with reality? What is going on in this room, actually? Defendants, the U.S. government and its agents, want to steal some land from my clients. How long do we have to argue that they have no justice, no right, no honor, in their cause? Why can’t we say highway robbery is highway robbery, instead of calling it eminent domain? Why can’t we say shit is shit, instead of calling it excrement? Why do we never use language to convey meaning? Why must we always use it conceal meaning? Why do we never speak from the heart? Why do we always speak words programmed into us, like robots?
JUSTICE IMMHOTEP: Mr. Celine, I warn you again.
MR. FEATHER: And I warn you. The world will die. The stars will go out. If men and women cannot trust the words spoken, the earth will crack, like a rotten pumpkin.
MR. KHARIS: I call for a recess. Plaintiff and their counsel are both in no emotional state to continue at this time.
MR. CELINE: You even have guns. You have men with guns and clubs, who are called marshals, and they will beat me if I don’t shut up. How do you differ from any other gang of bandits, then, except in using language that conceals what you are doing? The only difference is that the bandits are more honest. That’s the only difference. The only difference.
JUSTICE IMMHOTEP: Mr. Marshal, restrain the counsel.
MR. CELINE: You’re stealing what isn’t yours. Why can’t you talk turkey for just one moment? Why—
JUSTICE IMMHOTEP: Just hold him, Marshal. Don’t use unnecessary force. Mr. Celine, I am tempted to forgive you, considering that you are obviously much involved with your clients, emotionally. However, such mercy on my part would encourage other lawyers to believe they could follow your example. I have no choice. I find you guilty of contempt of court. Sentencing will take place when court reconvenes after a fifteen-minute recess. You may speak at that time, but only on any mitigating grounds that should lighten the degree of your sentence. I will not hear the United States government called bandits again. That is all.
MR. CELINE: You steal land, and you will not hear yourselves called bandits. You order men with guns and clubs to hold us down, and you will not hear yourselves called thugs. You don’t act from the heart; where the hell do you act from? What in God’s name does motivate you?
JUSTICE IMMHOTEP: Restrain him, Marshal.
MR. CELINE: (Indistinguishable.)
JUSTICE IMMHOTEP: Fifteen-minute recess.
BAILIFF: All rise.
ILLUMINATI PROJECT: MEMO #19
8/9
J.M.:
I wish you would explain to me how your interest in the numbers 5 and 23 fit in with this Illuminati project. This is all I’ve been able to unearth so far on the number mystery, and I hope you find it enlightening. It’s from a book of mathematical and logical paradoxes: How to Torture Your Mind, edited by Ralph L. Woods, Funk and Wagnalls, New York, 1969, page 128.
2 and 3 are even and odd;
2 and 3 are 5;
Therefore, 5 is both even and odd.
The damned book, by the way, provides no solutions to the paradoxes. I could sense the fallacy in that one right away, but it took me hours (and a headache) before I could state it in precise words. Hope this helps you. Anyway, for me, it was a relief from the really frightening stuff I’ve been tracking down lately.
Pat
There were two further memos in the box, on different stationeries and by different typewriters. The first was brief:
April 4
RESEARCH DEPARTMENT!
I am seriously concerned about Pat’s absence from the office, and the fact that she doesn’t answer the phone when we call her. Would you send somebody to her apartment to talk to the landlord and try to find out what has happened to her?
Joe Malik
Editor
The last memo was the oldest in the lot and already yellowing at the edges. It said:
Dear Mr. “Mallory:”
The information and books, you requested are enclosed, at length. In case you are rushed, here is a quick summary.
1. Billy Graham was in Australia, making public appearances all through last week. There is no way he could have gotten to Chicago.
2. Satanism and witchcraft both still exist in the modern world. The two are often confused by orthodox Christian writers, but objective observers agree that there is a difference. Satanism is a Christian heresy—the ultimate heresy, one might say—but witchcraft is pre-Christian in origin and has nothing to do with the Christian God or the Christian Devil. The witches worship a goddess called
Dana or Tana (who goes back to the Stone Age probably).
3. The John Dillinger Died For You Society has its headquarters in Mad Dog, Texas, but was founded in Austin, Texas several years ago. It’s some kind of poker-faced joke and is affiliated with the Bavarian Illuminati, another bizarre bunch at the Berkeley campus of the University of California. The Illuminati pretend to be a cabal of conspirators who run the whole world behind the scenes. If you suspect either of these groups of being involved in something sinister, you have probably just fallen for one of their put-ons.
W.H.
“So this thing was already linked to Mad Dog several years ago,” Saul said thoughtfully. “And Malik was already assuming an alternative identity, since the letter is obviously addressed to him. And, also as I’ve begun to suspect as we read this stuff, the Illuminati have their own brand of humor.”
“Deduce me one more deduction,” Barney said. “Who the hell is this W.H.?”
“People have been asking that for three hundred years,” Saul said absently.
“Huh?”
“I’m being whimsical. Shakespeare’s sonnets are dedicated to a Mr. W.H., but I don’t think we have to worry that this is the same one. This case is as nutty as a squirrel’s dinner, but I don’t really think it’s that nutty.” He added, “We can be grateful for one thing at least: the Illuminati doesn’t really run the world. They’re just trying.”
Barney frowned, perplexed. “How did you make that one?”
“Simple. Same way I know they’re a right-wing organization, not left-wing.”
“We’re not all geniuses,” Barney said. “Take it a step at a time, will you?”
“How many contradictions did you spot in these memos? I counted thirteen. This researcher, Pat, saw it, too: the evidence is deliberately warped and twisted. All of it—not just that East Village Other chart—is a mixture of fact and fiction.” Saul lit his pipe and settled back in his chair (in 1921, reading Arthur Conan Doyle, he first began playing these scenes, in imagination).
“In the first place, either the Illuminati want publicity or they don’t. If they control everything, and want publicity, they’d be on billboards more often than Coca-Cola and on TV more often than Lucille Ball. On the other hand, if they control everything, and don’t want publicity, none of these magazines and books would have survived—they would have disappeared from libraries, book stores and publisher’s warehouses. This researcher, Pat, never would have found them.
“In the second place, if you want to recruit people into a conspiracy, besides idealism and whatever other noble motives you might exploit in them, you would always exploit hope. You would exaggerate the size and power of the conspiracy, because most people want to join the winning side. Therefore, all assertions about the actual strength of the Illuminati should be regarded, a fortiori, as suspect, like the voters’ polls released by candidates before elections.
“Finally, it always pays to frighten the opposition. Therefore a conspiracy will exhibit the same behavior that ethologists have observed in animals under attack: it will puff itself up and try to look bigger. In short, potential or actual recruits and potential and actual enemies will both be given the same false impression: that the Illuminati is twice, or ten times, or a hundred times, its actual size. This is logical, but my first point was empirical—the memos do exist—and therefore logic and empiricism confirm each other: the Illuminati are not able to control everything. What then? They’ve been around a long time and they are as tireless as the Russian mathematician who worked out pi to the one-thousandth place. The probability, then, is that they control some things and influence a hell of a lot more. This probability increases as you think back over the memos. The two chief Arabic branches—the Hashishim and the Roshinaya—were both wiped out; the Italian Illuminati were ‘crushed’ in 1507; Weishaupt’s order was suppressed by the Bavarian government in 1785; and so forth. If they were behind the French Revolution, they influenced rather than controlled, because Napoleon undid everything the Jacobins started. That they had a hand in both Soviet Communism and German Fascism is plausible, considering the many similarities between the two; but if they controlled both, why did the two take opposite sides in the Second World War? And, if they ran both the Federalist party, through Washington, and the Democratic Republicans, through Jefferson, what was the purpose of the Aaron Burr counterrevolution, which they are also supposed to be behind? The picture I get is not a grand Puppet Master moving everybody on invisible strings, but some sort of million-armed octopus—a millepus, let’s call it—constantly reaching out tentacles, and often drawing back nothing but a bloody stump, crying, ‘Foiled again!’
“But the millepus is very busy and quite resourceful. If it controlled the planet, it could choose either operating in the open or retaining secrecy, but since it doesn’t have that omnipotence yet, it must choose to be as anonymous as possible. Therefore, many of its tentacles will be probing around in the areas of publication and communications. It wants to know when somebody is investigating it or getting ready to publicize an investigation he has already completed. Finding such a person, it then has two choices: kill him or neutralize him. Killing may be resorted to in certain emergencies, but will be avoided when possible: you never know when a person of that sort has stashed extra copies of his documents in various unexpected places to be released in the event of his death. Neutralization is best, almost always.”
Saul paused to relight his pipe, and Muldoon thought, The most unrealistic aspect of Doyle’s stories is Watson’s admiration at these moments. I’m just irritated, because he makes me feel like a chump for not seeing it myself. “Go ahead,” he said gruffly, saving his own deductions until Saul was finished.
“The best form of neutralization is recruitment, of course. But any crude and hurried effort at recruitment is known as ‘taking your pants down’ in the espionage business because it makes you more vulnerable. The safest approach is gradual recruitment, disguised as something else. The best disguise, of course, is the pretense of helping the subject in his investigation. This also opens the second, and preferable, option, which is leading him on a wild goose chase. Sending him looking for Illuminati in organizations which they have never really infiltrated. Feeding him balderdash like that stuff about the Illuminati coming from the planet Vulcan or being descended from Eve and the Serpent. Best of all, though, is telling him the purpose of the conspiracy is something other than it actually is, especially if the story you sell him is in keeping with his own ideals, since this can then shade over into recruitment.
“Now, the sources this Pat unearthed mostly seem to come to one of two conclusions: the Illuminati doesn’t exist anymore, or the Illuminati is virtually identical with Russian Communism. The first I reject because Malik and Pat have both disappeared and two buildings, one here in New York and one way down in Mad Dog, have been bombed in a series palpably linked with an investigation of the Illuminati. You’ve already accepted that, but the next step is just as obvious. If the Illuminati tries to distort whatever publicity cannot be avoided, then we should look at the idea that the Illuminati is communist-oriented as skeptically as we look at the idea that they don’t even exist.
“So, let’s look at the opposite hypothesis. Could the Illuminati be a far-right or fascist group? Well, if Malik’s information was in any way accurate, they seem to have some kind of special headquarters or central office in Mad Dog—and that’s Ku Klux and God’s Lightning territory. Also, whatever their history before Adam Weishaupt, they seem to have gone through some reformation and revitalization under his leadership. He was a German and an ex-Catholic, just like Hitler. One of his Illuminated Lodges survived long enough to recruit Hitler in 1923, according to a memo that might be the most accurate one in the lot for all we know. Considering the proclivities of the German character, Weishaupt could likely be an anti-Semite. Most historians I’ve read on Nazi Germany agree to at least the possibility that there was a ‘secret doctrine’ which only the top Naz
is shared among themselves and didn’t tell the rest of the party. That doctrine might be pure Illuminism. Take up the many links between Illuminism and Freemasonry, and the known anti-Catholicism of the Masonic movement—add in the fact that ex-Catholics are frequently bitter against the church, and both Weishaupt and Hitler were ex-Catholics—and we get a hypothetical anti-Jewish, anti-Catholic, semi-mystical doctrine that would sell equally well in Germany and in parts of America. Finally, while some left-extremists might want to kill the Kennedys and Reverend King, all three were more likely targets for right-wingers; and the Kennedys would be especially abhorrent to anti-Catholic rightists.
“A last point,” Saul said. “Consider the left-wing orientation of Confrontation. The editor, Malik, would probably not give much credence to most of the sources quoted in the memos, since the majority are from rightist publications, and most of them allege that the Illuminati is a leftist plot. His most probable reaction would be to dismiss this as another right-wing paranoia, unless he had other sources besides his own Research Department. Notice how cagey he is. He doesn’t tell his associate editor, Peter Jackson, anything about the Illuminati itself—just that he wants a new investigation of the last decade’s assassinations. The bottom memo is so old and yellow it suggests he got his first clue several years ago, but didn’t act. Pat asks him why he’s hiding all this from the reporter, George Dorn. Finally, he disappears. He was getting information from some place else, and it revealed a plot he could believe in and really fear. That would probably be a Fascist plot, anti-Catholic, anti-Jewish and anti-Negro.”
The illuminatus! trilogy Page 18