“Strip Schnipp-Schnapp?” Goethe asks, putting hand on chin in a pose that was later to become famous, “Das ist dein hoch Zauberwerk?”
“Ja, ja,” Weishaupt says nervously, “Der Zweck heiligte die Mittel.”
Ingolstadt always reminds me of the set of a bleeding Frankenstein movie, and, after Saint Toad and that shoggoth chap and the old Lama with his wog metaphysics, it was no help at all to have an invisible voice ask me to join him in a bawdy card game. I’ve faced some weird scenes in H.M. Service but this Fernando Poo caper was turning out to be outright unwholesome, in fact unheimlich as these krauts would say. And, in the distance, I began to hear wog music, but with a Yank beat to it, and suddenly I knew the worst: that blasted Lama or Saint Toad or somebody had lifted nearly a month out of my life. I had walked into Saint Toad’s after midnight on March 31 (call it April 1, then) and this would be April 30 or May 1. Walpurgisnacht. When all the kraut ghosts are out. And I was probably considered dead back in London. And if I called in and tried to explain what had happened, old W. would be downright psychiatric about the matter, oh, he’d be sure I was well around the bend. It was a rum go either way.
Then I remembered that the old Lama in Dallas had said he was sending me to the final battle between Good and Evil. This was probably it, right here, right now, this night in Ingolstadt. A bit breathtaking to think of that. I wondered when the Angels of the Lord would appear: bloody soon, I hoped. It would be nice to have them around when Old Nick unleashed the shoggoth and Saint Toad and that lot.
So I toddled out into the streets of Ingolstadt and started sniffing around for the old sulphur and brimstone.
And half a mile below and twelve hours earlier, George Dorn and Stella Maris were smoking some Alamout Black hash with Harry Coin.
“You haven’t got a bad punch for an intellectual,” Coin said with warm regard.
“You’re pretty good at rape yourself,” George replied, “for the world’s most incompetent assassin.”
Coin started to draw back his lips in an angry snarl, but the hash was too strong. “Hagbard told you, Ace?” he asked bashfully.
“He told me most of it,” George said. “I know that everybody on this ship once worked for the Illuminati directly or for one of their governments. I know that Hagbard has been an outlaw for more than two decades—”
“Twenty-three years exactly,” Stella said archly.
“That figures,” George nodded. “Twenty-three years, then, and never killed anybody until that incident with the spider ships four days ago.”
“Oh, he killed us,” Harry said dreamily, drawing on the pipe. “What he does is worse than capital punishment, while it’s going on. I can’t say I’m the same man I was before. But it’s pretty bad until you come through.”
“I know,” George grinned. “I’ve had a few samples myself.”
“Hagbard’s system,” Stella said, “is very simple. He just gives you a good look at your own face in a mirror. He lets you see the puppet strings. It’s still up to you to break them. He’s never forced anyone to do anything that goes against their heart. Of course,” she frowned in concentration, “he does sort of maneuver you into places where you have to find out in a hurry just what your heart is saying to you. Did he ever tell you about the Indians?”
“The Shoshone?” George asked. “The cesspool gag?”
“Let’s play a game,” Coin interrupted, sinking lower in his chair as the hash hit him harder. “One of us in this room is a Martian, and we’ve got to guess from the conversation which one it is.”
“Okay,” Stella said easily. “Not the Shoshone,” she told George, “the Mohawk.”
“You’re not the Martian,” Coin giggled. “You stick to the subject, and that’s a human trait.”
George, trying to decide if the octopus on the wall was somehow connected with the Martian riddle, said, “I want to hear about Hagbard and the Mohawk. Maybe that will help us identify the Martian. You think up good games,” he added kindly, “for a guy who was sent on seven assassination missions and fucked up every one of them.”
“I’m dumb but I’m lucky,” Coin said. “There was always somebody else there blasting away at the same time. Politicians are awfully unpopular these days, Ace.”
This was a myth, Hagbard had confided to George. Until Harry Coin had completed his course in the Celine System, it was better if he believed himself the world’s most unsuccessful assassin rather than face the truth: that he had goofed only on his first job (Dallas, November 22, 1963) and really had killed five men since then. Of course, even if Hagbard wasn’t a holy man any longer, he was still tricky: maybe Harry had, indeed, missed every time. Perhaps Hagbard was keeping the image of Harry as mass murderer in George’s mind to see if George could relate to the man’s present instead of being hung up on his “past.”
At least I’ve learned this much, George thought. The word “past” is always in quotes for me, now.
“The Mohawk,” Stella said, leaning back lazily (George’s male organ or penis or dick or whatever the hell is the natural word, if there is a natural word, well, my cock, then, my delicious ever-hungry cock rose a centimeter as her blouse tightened on her breasts, Lord God, we’d been humping like wart hogs in rutting season for hours and hours and hours and I was still horny and still in love with her and I probably always would be, but then again maybe I’m the Martian). Well, in fact, the old pussy hunter didn’t rise more than a millimeter, not a centimeter, and he was as slow as an old man getting out of bed in January. I had just about fucked until my brains came out my ears, even before Harry brought in the hash and wanted to talk. Looking for the Martian. Looking for the governor of Dorn. Looking for the Illuminati. Krishna chasing his tail around the curved space of the Einsteinian universe until he disappears up his own ass, leaving behind a behind: the back of the void: the Dorn theory of circutheosodomognosis. “Owned some land,” she continued. That beautiful black face, like ebon melody: yes, no painter could show but Bach could hint the delight of those purple-tinted lips in that black face, saying, “And the government wanted to steal the land. To build a dam.” The inside of her cunt had that purple hue to it, also, and there was a tawny beige in her palm, like a Caucasian’s skin, there were so many delights in her body, and in mine, too, treasures that couldn’t be spent in a million years of the most tender and violent fucking. “Hagbard was the engineer hired to build the dam, but when he found out that the Indians would be dispossessed and relocated on less fertile ground, he refused the job.” Eris, Eros spelled sideways. “He broke his contract, so the government sued him,” she said. “That’s how he got to be a close friend with the Mohawk.”
Which was all pure crapperoo. Obviously, Hagbard had gone to court as a lawyer for the Indians, but that one touch of shame in him had kept him from admitting to Stella that he had once been a lawyer, so he made up that bit about being the engineer on the dam to explain how he got involved in the case.
“He helped them move when they were dispossessed.” I could see bronze men and women moving in twilight, a hill in the background. “This was a long time ago, back in the ’50s, I think. (Hagbard was a hell of a lot older than he looked.) One Indian was carrying a raccoon he said was his grandfather. He was a very old man himself. He said Grandfather could remember General Washington and how he changed after he became President. (He would be there tonight, that being who had once been George Washington and Adam Weishaupt: he of whom Hitler had said, “He is already among us. He is intrepid and terrible. I am afraid of him.”) Hagbard says he kept thinking of Patrick Henry, the one man who saw what had happened at the Constitutional Convention. It was Henry who had looked at the Constitution and said right away, ‘I smell a rat. It squints toward monarchy.’ The Old Indian, whose name was Uncle John Feather, said that Grandfather, when he was a man, could speak to all animals. He said the Mohawk Nation was more than the living, it was the soul and the soil joined together. When the land was taken, some of the soul died. He
said that was why he couldn’t speak to all animals but only to those who had once been part of his family.” The soul is in the blood, moving the blood. It is in the night especially. Nutley is a typical Catholic-dominated New Jersey town, and the Dorns are Baptists, so I was hemmed in two ways, but even as a boy I used to walk along the Passaic looking for Indian arrowheads, and the soul would move when I found one. Who was the anthropologist who thought the Ojibway believed all rocks were alive? A chief had straightened him out: “Open your eyes,” he said, “and you’ll see which rocks are alive.” We haven’t had our Frobenius yet. American anthropology is like virgins writing about sex.
“I know who the Martian is,” Coin crooned in a singsong. “But I’m not telling. Not yet.” That man who was either the most successful or the most unsuccessful assassin of the 20th century and who had raped me (which was supposed to destroy my manhood forever according to some idiots) was smashed out of his skull and he looked so happy that I was happy for him.
“Hagbard,” Stella went on, “stood there like a tree. He was paralyzed. Finally, old Uncle John Feather asked what was the matter.”
Stella leaned forward, her face more richly black against the golden octopus on the wall. “Hagbard had foreseen the ecological catastrophe. He had seen the rise of the Welfare State, Warrior Liberalism (as he calls it) and the spread of Marxism out of Russia across the world. He saw why it all had to happen, with or without the Illuminati helping it along. He understood the Snafu Principle.”
He had worked all that night, after explaining to Uncle John Feather that he was troubled in his heart at the tragedy of the Mohawk (not mentioning the more enormous tragedy coming at the planet, the tragedy which the old man understood already in his own terms); hard work, carrying pitiful cheap furniture from cabins onto trucks, tying whole households’ possessions with tough ropes; he was sweating and winded when they finished shortly before dawn. The next day, he had burned his naturalization papers and put the ashes in an envelope addressed to the President of the United States, with a brief note: “Everything relevant is ruled irrelevant. Everything material is ruled immaterial. An ex-citizen.” The ashes of his Army Reserve discharge went to the Secretary of Defense with a briefer note: “Non serviam. An ex-slave.” That year’s income tax form went to the Secretary of the Treasury, after he wiped his ass on it; the note said: “Try robbing a poor box. Der Einziege” His fury still mounting, he grabbed his copy of Das Kapital off the bookshelf, smiling bitterly at the memory of his sarcastic marginal notes, scrawled “Without private property there is no private life” on the flyleaf, and mailed it to Josef Stalin in the Kremlin. Then he buzzed his secretary, gave her three months pay in lieu of notice of dismissal and walked out of his law office forever. He had declared war on all governments of the world.
His afternoon was spent giving away his savings, which at that time amounted to seventy thousand dollars. Some he gave to drunks on the street, some to little boys or little girls in parks; when the Stock Exchange closed, he was on Wall Street, handing out fat bundles of bills to the wealthiest-looking men he could spot, telling them, “Enjoy it. Before you die, it won’t be worth shit.” That night he slept on a bench in Grand Central Terminal; in the morning, flat broke, he signed on as A.B.S. aboard a merchant ship to Norway.
That summer he tramped across Europe working as tourist guide, cook, tutor, any odd job that fell his way, but mostly talking and listening. About politics. He heard that the Marshall Plan was a sneaky way of robbing Europe under the pretense of helping it; that Stalin would have more trouble with Tito than he had had with Trotsky; that the Viet Minh would surrender soon and the French would retake Indo-China; that nobody in Germany was a Nazi anymore; that everybody in Germany was still a Nazi; that Dewey would unseat Truman easily.
During his last walking tour of Europe, in the 1930s, he had heard that Hitler only wanted Czechoslovakia and would do anything to avoid war with England; that Stalin’s troubles with Trotsky would never end; that all Europe would go socialist after the next war; that America would certainly enter the war when it came; that America would certainly stay out of the war when it came.
One idea had remained fairly constant, however, and he heard it everywhere. That idea was that more government, tougher government, more honest government was the answer to all human problems.
Hagbard began making notes for the treatise that later became Never Whistle While You’re Pissing. He began with a section that he later moved to the middle of the book:
It is now theoretically possible to link the human nervous system into a radio network so that, micro-miniaturized receivers being implanted in people’s brains, the messages coming out of these radios would be indistinguishable to the subjects from the voice of their own thoughts. One central transmitter, located in the nation’s capital, could broadcast all day long what the authorities wanted the people to believe. The average man on the receiving end of these broadcasts would not even know he was a robot; he would think it was his own voice he was listening to. The average woman could be treated similarly.
It is ironic that people will find such a concept both shocking and frightening. Like Orwell’s 1984, this is not a fantasy of the future but a parable of the present. Every citizen in every authoritarian society already has such a “radio” built into his or her brain. This radio is the little voice that asks, each time a desire is formed, “Is it safe? Will my wife (my husband/my boss/my church/my community) approve? Will people ridicule and mock me? Will the police come and arrest me?” This little voice the Freudians call “The Superego,” with Freud himself vividly characterized as “the ego’s harsh master.” With a more functional approach, Perls, Hefferline and Goodman, in Gestalt Therapy, describe this process as “a set of conditioned verbal habits.”
This set, which is fairly uniform throughout any authoritarian society, determines the actions which will, and will not, occur there. Let us consider humanity a biogram (the basic DNA blueprint of the human organism and its potentials) united with a logogram (this set of “conditioned verbal habits”). The biogram has not changed in several hundred thousand years; the logogram is different in each society. When the logogram reinforces the biogram, we have a libertarian society, such as still can be found among some American
Indian tribes. Like Confucianism before it became authoritarian and rigidified, American Indian ethics is based on speaking from the heart and acting from the heart—that is, from the biogram,
No authoritarian society can tolerate this. All authority is based on conditioning men and women to act from the logogram, since the logogram is a set created by those in authority.
Every authoritarian logogram divides society, as it divides the individual, into alienated halves. Those at the bottom suffer what I shall call the burden of nescience. The natural sensory activity of the biogram—what the person sees, hears, smells, tastes, feels, and, above all, what the organism as a whole, or as a potential whole, wants —is always irrelevant and immaterial. The authoritarian logogram, not the field of sensed experience, determines what is relevant and material. This is as true of a highly paid advertising copywriter as it is of an engine lathe operator. The person acts, not on personal experience and the evaluations of the nervous system, but on the orders from above. Thus, personal experience and personal judgment being nonoperational, these functions become also less “real.” They exist, if at all, only in that fantasy land which Freud called the Unconscious. Since nobody has found a way to prove that the Freudian Unconscious really exists, it can be doubted that personal experience and personal judgment exist; it is an act of faith to assume they do. The organism has become, as Marx said, “a tool, a machine, a robot.”
Those at the top of the authoritarian pyramid, however, suffer an equal and opposite burden of omniscience. All that is forbidden to the servile class—the web of perception, evaluation and participation in the sensed universe—is demanded of the members of the master class. They must attempt to do the seeing, hear
ing, smelling, tasting, feeling and decision-making for the whole society.
But a man with a gun is told only that which people assume will not provoke him to pull the trigger. Since all authority and government are based on force, the master class, with its burden of omniscience, faces the servile class, with its burden of nescience, precisely as a highwayman faces his victim. Communication is possible only between equals. The master class never abstracts enough information from the servile class to know what is actually going on in the world where the actual productivity of society occurs. Furthermore, the logogram of any authoritarian society remains fairly inflexible as time passes, but everything else in the universe constantly changes. The result can only be progressive disorientation among the rulers. The end is debacle.
The schizophrenia of authoritarianism exists both in the individual and in the whole society.
I call this the Snafu Principle.
That autumn, Hagbard settled in Rome. He worked as a tourist guide, amusing himself by combining authentic Roman history with Cecil B. DeMille (none of the tourists ever caught him out); he also spent long hours scrutinizing the published reports of Interpol. His Wanderjahr was ending; he was preparing for action. Never subject to guilt or masochism, he had one reason only for his dispersal of his savings: to prove to himself that what he intended could be done starting from zero. When winter arrived, his studies were complete: Interpol’s crime statistics had very kindly provided him with a list of those commodities which, either because of tariffs intended to stifle competition or because of “morals” laws, could become the foundation of a successful career in smuggling.
The illuminatus! trilogy Page 54