Painted Memories

by Flowers, Loni

  I turned to Drew and pulled my leg up under me, angling my body towards him. “It was the summer before Jesse left for college. He only had a month before he would move out and live in an apartment near Harvard Law.”

  “Oh wow, Harvard Law. Your brother was smart,” he praised.

  “Yes, extremely. He was going into the dreaded family business. He was good at debating and fascinated by all the court stuff on TV, which seemed weird, considering all the other things he was good at. He loved helping his friend work on his dad’s car. Our dad would never willingly get his hands dirty when he could pay someone else. He played on the soccer and baseball teams in school too. Jesse didn’t like staying cooped up in his room for long periods of time studying. I don’t know… he was never the nerdy guy a lot of people associated lawyers with, you know? At any rate, our father was ecstatic about my brother’s chosen career path.”

  “Yeah, I get it. Following in Daddy’s shoes would do it,” Drew agreed.

  “Anyway, I was sixteen and hated that Jesse was leaving. We were inseparable most of the time and the easiest way to show I was upset about it was to be mad at every little thing he did. It was stupid, I know. But it didn’t stop me from acting like a brat, especially on the day he died. That day, he was going back and forth from the house to his friend’s house, toting boxes of stuff he wanted to take with him to their apartment. That evening, I had a piano lesson. Dad usually took me, but he got tied up at the office and told me to cancel it this time. I could have asked my mom to take me, but she wasn’t home. I was furious and threw a fit until Jesse agreed to drop me off.

  “I remember that day so clearly. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky; it was hot and humid like every other typical summer day in Georgia. We lived about ten miles from town in a rural area and off the main roads. I was yelling at Jesse, complaining that I was going to be late and how everyone in the family always had more important things to do whenever it came to my activities. We yelled back and forth at each other as we drove down the road, neither one of us paying much attention. That was the good thing about living out in the rural part of the city, not much traffic. But it also attracted unsuspecting animals from the woods and crop fields in the area. It was impossible to miss the two deer that stood just beyond the curve in the road. I don’t remember the impact, just the jerk of the car. When I came to, I heard a hissing noise, steam from the engine, I suppose. I remember glancing over at Jesse and screaming instantly when I saw the side of his bloody neck and face. His head hung limply out the window with his neck resting on the window seal. I pulled and pulled at my seatbelt, but I couldn’t get it unlatched. So I reached over as far as I could and managed to grab him by the arm. He wouldn’t budge. I yelled his name over and over again, but he was unconscious and my efforts were useless. Items from inside the car where thrown everywhere when we crashed and I couldn’t find my phone to call for help. All I could do was hold Jesse’s hand and pray he would wake up and talk to me. I told him how sorry I was for being a brat and fighting. I begged him not to go to school so far away because I didn’t think I could finish high school without him. But he wouldn’t answer me back. He was already gone and I knew he’d never speak to me again.”

  I gasped for breath as I closed my eyes, feeling the rush of tears spill down my cheeks. I hadn’t talked about it in such a long time, and speaking about it now brought on stronger emotions than just picturing it in my head. Drew pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around me, which only fueled my tears, turning them into gasping sobs. He kissed my hair as he ran his hand up and down my back, trying to soothe me.

  “I’m sorry, Lilly. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve had to deal with.”

  He held me until I pulled away, reining in my emotions and wiping my eyes. “It’s been a long road. I’d like to think I’m getting better, but I guess it will always be a hard road.”

  “I’ll be there with you, whenever you need me,” Drew said with a small smile.

  “That means a lot.” I said, leaning back against the couch.

  “So, two deer caused all this pain? A common accident turned so horrific.” He was speaking to me, but more to himself, I thought.

  “The police reports say the car flipped once before slamming into the guardrail on his side of the car. They estimated the car was going five miles over the speed limit and issued my dad a ticket.”

  “Are you serious? That’s pretty low.”

  I paused, determined not to have another meltdown. “The autopsy said he bled to death when the glass from the window severed the artery in his neck. The only comfort I have is knowing he was unconscious when he died. He felt no pain.”

  “Wow, Lilly. I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry.”

  And I was too. Though it was comforting to know he didn’t feel any pain, I wondered how long that day would haunt me. When would I be able to not feel guilty for demanding to go to piano practice? When would I get over knowing I started the argument that day? The last conversation with my brother was filled with yelling and harsh words. And I didn’t know if I would ever be able to tell Drew the rest of the story.

  What would he say when he found out I was driving that day? I was the one that killed my brother! I didn’t know if I could ever tell Drew that it was truly all my fault.

  Chapter 20

  Drew let out a sigh, running his hand over his head before looking back at me. “I had no idea this was going to happen from watching a movie. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you had to do this with me. That wasn’t my intention.”

  I brushed my hand against his cheek. “You did nothing wrong. I’ve never shared this day with anyone except my parents and my therapist. I can’t say thank you enough.”

  “You’re welcome, baby,” he said, kissing me gently. “I can walk you back to your apartment if you want to turn in for the night. I’m sure all of this must have exhausted you.”

  I knew I had a busy day tomorrow, but going back to my apartment alone wasn’t what I had in mind. I wanted to continue with the night, relax on the couch and snuggle. It didn’t matter what we did, as long as I was with him.

  “I’m not ready to leave… unless you want me to?” I hinted.

  “Oh no, not at all. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to be here. If you’d rather spend time alone, that’s okay too.”

  “Actually, I’ve never felt like that. You know, it might scare you to know how much I think about you, Drew. You’ve sort of become my obsession.” I admitted. “I always want to be where you are.”

  Drew grinned. “I guess I should keep my thoughts about you to myself too. Obsession can’t be a bad thing if we both feel that way about each other.” He winked.

  He didn’t need to tell me what his thoughts were. It was always clearly written in his eyes, the way he watched me when he thought I didn’t notice, and the way parts of us always touched whenever we were near each other. It was clear that Drew wanted me, and he did a damn good job of restraining himself so far. There wasn’t another opportunity to have a night like the one we had at the studio, and we never talked about what almost happened. On more than one occasion, I wondered if he would have let it go alot further.

  I shifted my body to face him. “Can I ask a question?”

  “Of course.”

  “You know that night at the studio… by the piano?”

  He glanced down at my hand on his leg and began to trace the top of it with his finger. “Yeah, it was amazing,” he whispered.

  “Would you— if Victoria hadn’t come in— would you have stopped?”

  Drew stared into my eyes for a moment before he answered. “I wouldn’t have chosen to, but I would have asked you if you really wanted to go much further. At least, those were my intentions. Would you have asked me to stop?”

  I leaned forward and pressed my hand against his chest, pushing him into the back of the couch. His eyes flared with surprise, but softened when I pressed my
lips on his and suckled his lower lip. His hands came around and slipped up my back, leaving goose bumps across my skin. I didn’t have to think about whether I was ready to take our relationship to the next level. The sexual tension for me had already reached its limit and there was no question what I wanted.

  As I pulled away, his breath blew across my face and I opened my eyes to see his bright green eyes staring back. “Make the accident go away, if only for tonight,” I begged in a soft voice. I kissed him again, plunging my tongue inside his parted lips. Drew’s hand traveled further up my spine to the base of my neck, his fingers twining the strands of my hair as he tilted my head back at an angle.

  A groan vibrated though his mouth onto my lips before he leaned back and opened his eyes. “Lilly, I don’t want you to have sex with me just to forget your sadness. I’m not that kind of guy, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this.”

  It would have been easy to misinterpret what he said, but I didn’t. I stared at him, trying to collect my thoughts and keep my emotions in check. “Drew, I know I’ve had some pretty low times in my life, but I can assure you, I think more of myself than that.”

  “I didn’t mean it that way.”

  “I know you didn’t. Let me finish. I want you to take me to a place where nothing else exists, nothing but you and me. I don’t want to have sex just to have sex, I want you because…” I glanced away. I wanted to tell him for a while, but didn’t know how he would take it or how deep his feelings really were for me.

  Drew released his hold on my hair and cupped the side of my cheek, gently tilting my head forward to face him. “Because of what, Lilly?”

  I peered back at his loving face, his caring eyes, and leaned into the comfort of his touch. “Because I love you.”

  He seemed to stop breathing and stared at me without any emotion on his face. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking and I hoped what I said wasn’t a mistake. “I know you have feelings for me and maybe they aren’t as strong as mine are, and that’s okay. But please don’t feel like you’re obligated to say it back, I just had to tell you—”

  His fingers curled around the back of my neck as he pulled me to him, crushing his mouth onto mine. I parted my lips and murmured into his mouth while melting into his arms. Our tongues moved like a choreographed dance, our kisses growing deeper, more passionate with every breath we took. Moving upright, I straddled him. His hand went to my butt, gripping each side as he pulled my hips closer. When his fingers found their way under the hem on my tee shirt and slid up my sides, I had to catch my breath. My shirt rose up with his hands, and I lifted my arms, letting him remove it.

  Weaving his fingers through my hair, he lightly grasped the strands as he pulled my face to his. Placing a string of kisses along my jaw and down my neck, he moved his hands up my back. I leaned into his hold, arching my body and invited him to continue his trail of kisses.

  My breath was heavy and the touch of his lips on my skin amplified a desire that flooded my senses. I reached for his neck, my fingers twisting the strands of hair at the nape. Drew sat up straighter and I watched as his hand skimmed up my belly and lingered beneath the lace of my bra.

  “Come with me,” he said breathlessly.

  I moved off his lap and stood up. With my hand in his, he led me down the hall and my heart raced faster with every step I took. I was nervous and excited all at once. For an instant, I questioned my lack of experience and hoped I wouldn’t disappoint him.

  Drew scooped me up as I walked through the doorway to his room and I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped me. He lay me across his bed and I sunk into the fluffy comforter, which nearly swallowed me up. He stood beside the bed; his eyes scanning my body, taking all of me in. I sat up slightly, resting my weight on my hands as I leaned back against them.

  “This is much better than the couch,” I said with a smile. “I wondered if I’d ever be in this bed again.”

  He climbed on the bed and slid his knee between my legs. Lightly, he caressed my cheek with the pad of his thumb. “Many nights I’ve thought about what this moment would be like, but nothing compares to what it feels like to have you here now, in my bed, wanting me.”

  Drew’s words made me feel desired in a way I’d never felt before. He never rushed into anything with me, and there was no doubt his words and intentions were sincere. I reached for the hem of his shirt and started to lift, but he straightened up, and in one fluid motion, pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it aside. I sat up on my knees, unable to resist the urge to slide my palms down his chest, which I did slowly. His breath caught, his jaw tightened and I could see the muscles in his neck flexing as he tried to regulate his breathing. His chest grew bigger with every breath he took. I reached for the waist of his jeans and tucked my fingers behind the band. Leaning closer, I pressed my chest to his and sighed when his warm skin touched mine.

  Light from the hallway streamed into the room, projecting a soft, warm glow over his face. I could see the desire that burned within his eyes. I cupped his face between my hands and kissed his lips lovingly. My hands moved down his neck and across his shoulders, feeling the soft lines of toned muscles along the way. Continuing the same motion, Drew moved his hands up my arms and across my shoulders to my neck. Our eyes locked, as if we both understood this was much more than just casual sex. He was going to make love to me, and it would be unlike anything I had ever experienced. And it wasn’t because it had been a long time since I was with anyone. There were other guys in college and relationships that lasted a few months here and there, but none of them were like Drew. None knew my past or what I went through with my father. None left me with an overwhelming need to be near them and touched by them. None, did I love as much as I loved Drew. I crushed my mouth to his, our tongues fighting for dominance. I could taste his desire as it spread through my skin like an electric charge, and I gripped his shoulders, feeling the current running through my body. His arm wrapped around my waist as his fingers fiddled with my bra until he popped the hook. I shrugged off the straps, an annoying barrier keeping my flesh from touching his. I tossed it across the room and reached for the button on his jeans.

  “Oh, no, I don’t think so,” Drew said before he lifted me off my knees and lay me back against the pillow in one fluid motion.

  I squealed with laughter, then whined teasingly. “Oh, c’mon, no fair. I’m practically naked here!” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

  He chuckled softly in my ear as he grabbed my wrist in each of his hands and pressed them to the bed beside my head. “Personally I don’t think you’re naked enough.” Kissing me below the ear, his tongue glided down my throat and over my collarbone, leaving a shiver in its wake. A gasp escaped me when he released my wrists and cupped both my breasts with his soft hands. I ran my fingers through his hair, directing his lips lower down on my body. I moaned and nearly melted into the sheets when his tongue swirled over my breast and he sucked the bud of my nipple into his mouth. His hands skimmed over my stomach like silk and slipped into the band of my shorts. Lifting my hips slightly, he eased them down and I kicked them free, resting my right leg over his hip. Drew reached for the back of my thigh, his palm moving up the length of it until his fingers traced the outline of my panties. I wanted them off… wanted every bit of my flesh bare beneath him. He sat up, and my leg slid down to the bed as his eyes examined my nearly naked body.

  Rising up, I kissed him while his hands cupped one of my breasts, the other cradling the back of my head. I tugged at the waist of his pants, teasing his stomach with my fingers before I unbuttoned and unzipped them while slipping my hand inside. He was hard, straining against the fabric, begging to be released from its confines. When my palm rubbed against his hard bulge, a rush of breath blew across my face. Drew’s hands wrapped around my back and moved downward until I felt his fingers grabbing my butt with both hands.

  When I pushed his pants from his hips, he released his hold on me and worked his way out of th
em. I gazed at him as he sat before me on his knees at the foot of the bed. My breath caught as I beheld his beautiful body. Tight lines curved down his arms, his body perfectly toned, begging for me to touch and feel its contours. Drew wasn’t built like a bodybuilder, but toned and trimmed in all the right places. I ran my finger down his chest and back up to cradle his cheek in my hand.

  His eyes were soft and longing as he stared back at me. I brushed his lips with my thumb before dragging his lower lip down and kissing him. We kissed slowly and deep, as if we were both trying to show the other how much emotion we felt. I pulled away slightly, still feeling his heavy breathing against my mouth.

  “Make love to me, Drew. Plea—”

  I was on my back before the words left my mouth. His hands raked down my hips, jerking my panties off on the way. I was completely naked, and the way Drew’s eyes surveyed my body set my skin on fire.

  “God, you’re beautiful,” he said as he leaned over me.

  His knee wedged between my legs and I submitted, opening them wider, allowing him to settle there. His skin felt hot when he pressed his body against me. I wrapped my legs around his hips and arched my back as he rubbed against me.

  “Lilly,” he breathed heavily against my neck, “are you sure you want this?”

  I gazed into his face. “I couldn’t imagine not wanting this.”

  He kissed me and smiled before he moved away. “Okay, let me put something on.”

  I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back. “I’m on the pill, have been for years.” His eyes lit up as he settled back and I wrapped my right leg round his hip, opening myself up to him. His hardness slipped inside me and I dug my fingers into his back as he pushed deeper inside me. He groaned into my neck, his hands gripping the sheets on each side of my head. Slowly, he moved in and out of me, teasing the burn that tore through my center. I wanted more, and harder, faster. I slid my hands down as far as I could reach and pressed against his lower back. I rocked my body faster, increasing the friction against me. My climax was close, and I could feel the overwhelming burn building up. I cried out louder each time he thrust into me. His pace slowed and he looked into my eyes.