Painted Memories

by Flowers, Loni

  “But I don’t want to be like this anymore, Lilly. I want to get to know you again, be in your life. If that means taking a leave of absence from the firm, I will do it. I want to make you happy and make myself a better person. Can’t I want both?”

  This conversation was nothing like I imagined. He was serious, dead serious. Dad wanted this for us. He had a point. If he lost hope at repairing our relationship, what was left for him to believe in? I was all he had left now. I did my best to hold it together while I sat across from him, wearing my most neutral face.

  Fresh tears slid down his cheeks. “You’re all I have left, Lilly. I don’t want to lose you.”

  My facade shattered along with everything I was trying to hold together.

  I lost it.

  Chapter 29

  Back at the guesthouse, I checked my phone and noticed I had a message to call Principal LaNore. It was odd that she would call my personal phone, considering she’d never called me before, and it was after work hours. She left her number and I promptly returned her call before it got any later. She was very professional and to the point. Apparently, someone had dropped the ball and didn’t notify me that the woman I was originally filling in for had, indeed, returned so I would no longer be needed. She was also kind enough to let me know that there weren’t any other job openings at the school, but she offered to let me fill in as a substitute the following week upon my return. After that, I’d be on my own.

  Not long after speaking with her, Drew called. I told him everything… almost. It felt reassuring to talk to him, being open and honest about my life. I just couldn’t bring myself to mention I was axed from my job. I wanted to tell him in person, but I was scared. I had bills to pay and liked my apartment. Most of all, I liked being close to him and I had no idea what I would do. I decided to turn in early for the night and think about my options. Right now my life was looking up and I couldn’t let my job situation bring me down. Not now.

  It was nearly seven and I contemplated the idea of heading home tonight. I knew there was really no point in leaving so late, but I was ready to go, and could hear my bed calling me. I could also use the extra day to talk to Mrs. LaNore again. There had to be a position open somewhere that she knew about. At least, it wouldn’t hurt to ask.

  Sitting at the dining room table across from my mom, I tried my best to pretend I was hungry. She went all out and fixed a home-cooked meal of roasted chicken, twice-baked potatoes, string bean casserole, rolls, and sweet tea. It smelled awesome and looked even better, but I had no idea what she was thinking. What was the point in cooking so much when it was only she and I? I would have been happy with a simple ham sandwich to finish off my night.

  I didn’t have much of an appetite since my dinner with Dad the night before. When we left the restaurant, he was barely holding himself together. I hadn’t seen him that emotional since Jesse’s funeral. I left with only a promise to consider trying to work things out. I hated him for so long, but after hearing everything he said, and how sincere he sounded, maybe saying I hated him was too strong a word. I wasn’t sure anymore; he was still my father after all.

  I felt a sense of hope that he was being honest. I half expected him to cancel everything else in his life and be at my house at the crack of dawn, staying glued to my side. Ridiculous, I know. When or how would we get any sense of normalcy in our lives again? Where would we even start? I knew he couldn’t change overnight, and now that I was willing to give him the chance, I needed to give him time.

  “Lilly, are you going to eat anything?”

  “Sorry, Mom, I have a lot on my mind. It’s kind of hard to eat lately.” Plus, I might throw up if she insisted I eat all of this food.

  “I think what your father is trying to do will be good for both of you.”

  I pushed the string beans around on my plate. “What about you? Will it be good for you?”

  She thought for a moment. “I think it will benefit anyone who’s in his life. I know we aren’t together anymore, but we still talk. I still care what happens to him. That’ll never change, no matter who I’m with.”

  “But do you think he can change? Can he ever really see me as anything more than the person that killed Jesse?” I asked. Because if he couldn’t, all of this would have been for nothing. We’d be headed down a dead-end road right from the start.

  “Yes, I think so. If not, I don’t think he would have been able to say all he did at dinner last night. You said he cried. I can probably count on one hand how many times I’ve seen your father cry. He’s very good at concealing his emotions.”

  “Well, I guess I’ll just have to judge his actions from here on out.”

  The knock on the door stopped our conversation and Mom arched her brow. “Wonder who that could be?”

  “Earl?” I smirked. I hadn’t seen him since we passed each other coming down the driveway the other night. Wonder what he thought about all of this?

  “No. He never comes over unless he calls first. And since you’re here, I didn’t want to upset you.”

  “Mom, it’s your home, your life. I was just shocked before when I saw him. You didn’t exactly give me any sort of heads up.”

  “I’m sorry. I wasn’t ready to talk about it really. I would have told you eventually.” She rose from her chair and walked towards the door.

  Yeah, eventually never did anyone any favors. I heard the door open, then muffled voices, but nobody that I recognized. A moment later, Mom walked back into the room. She glanced in the mirror, fluffed out her hair and swiped the wrinkles off her shirt. It had to be Earl; why else would she care about her clothes or her hair at this time of night?

  “It’s your father. He wants to talk to you, that is, if you’re okay with it?” she asked. “If you’d rather he leave, I’ll ask him to.”

  Wow. Three nights in a row! Graced by his company! Surely, the world must be tilting off its axis. “No, sure, let him in,” I said in a calm, neutral tone. When she turned and walked away, I grinned. If my mom thought she was fooling anyone, it was herself. She hadn’t gotten over my father anymore than dating Earl was serious. She just wanted everyone to think it was. I didn’t know what to make of that.

  Dad walked through the living room and stopped in the doorway to the dining room. His hands were in the pockets of his jeans, which looked odd, since he rarely wore them. Most of the time if he were to dress down, khaki pants replaced his suit. He still looked nervous in front of me, and shifted his weight back and forth between his feet. I wasn’t sure how long that would take to wear off.

  “Hey, have a seat. Have you had dinner yet? Mom fixed way too much, as usual.”

  “Are you sure? I can come back tomorrow?”

  “I don’t mind if you stay a while; we’ll never eat all this food. Stay,” I said, pointing at the empty chair in front of me.

  He moved towards the table and asked, “Okay, but only if it’s okay with your mom.”

  Mom turned and walked towards the kitchen. “Sure, let me get another plate.”

  “I’m sorry to come over so late. I could have waited until tomorrow, but I didn’t know what time you were leaving, and I had some things to tell you.” He grabbed a roll from the bowl, split it, and popped half of it into his mouth.

  “Oh, okay; what is it?” I asked.

  Dad watched my mother as she came back into the room, carrying a plate and silverware. He saw her fill his plate up with everything on the table and set it down in front of him. “Thank you, Sara,” he smiled. “Actually, this concerns both of you. After we talked yesterday, Lilly, I went home and really thought about everything. I realized that with my network of associates and clients, I know a lot of people, and a lot of people who know other people. So I made some phone calls. There is a rehabilitation center that will help me overcome this. It’s very private, not a lot of patients, and one of the best facilities in the US.”

  Mom and I both froze. He was actually serious. Sure, I thought he was when we talked yester
day, but there was a small part of me that couldn’t believe he’d actually follow through on the effort. “What about the firm?” I asked.

  Dad sighed. “I called a meeting this morning with the partners and told them the facts. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you tell people your problems. They’re ready to do whatever it takes to help me.” He shook his head. His eyes were tired. A grey shadow settled under them, leaving no doubt he hadn’t been getting much sleep. “I had no idea I was that transparent. I thought I was better at keeping things under wraps.”

  Mom sat forward, “Well, what did they say?”

  “All of them knew something was up, but no one wanted to confront me. I told them who my contacts were, and how they got me into Cedar Woods Rehabilitation Center in Utah. It has a minimum stay of thirty days. I’ll stay as long as they recommend. Until then, the partners will take all my cases. I’ll still check in once a week or so.”

  “Dad, you can’t get help and still expect to work like normal, even if it is once a week.” I said with a glare.

  “No, no work. Just updates. I still own the majority of the firm, so they can’t make any big decisions without me. I’ll need to stay in contact wherever I am. Sara, if you will, please look after Ralph and collect my mail. I’ll leave you my checkbook to pay anything that comes due.”

  “I thought you hated that damn dog?” Mom said with teary eyes.

  “Yeah, don’t tell anyone. He’s been there for me when I had no one else to complain to. We may have bonded. A little. Take care of him for me?”

  “I will.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I was shocked he decided all of this overnight. Maybe slapping me was the final straw, or maybe it was my ultimatum. I wasn’t sure what clenched it. But Utah? How were we going to work things out between us when he was halfway across the United States? Without knowing why, I felt like crying and that was the last thing I wanted to do. Standing up, I excused myself and took my plate to the kitchen.

  Scraping the leftovers into the trashcan, I heard the kitchen door behind me swing open. “Can I get some tinfoil on this? I’ll just take it home,” Dad said.

  Opening the pantry door, I grabbed the roll of tinfoil and turned to grab his plate. Dad looked nervous, scared, and unsure of what I was going to say next. Turing back around, I set the plate on the counter and carefully covered the plate.

  “Lilly?”

  “Hmm?”

  “What’s wrong? I thought this was what you wanted. I don’t know what else to do… tell me and I’ll do it,” he said in a strained voice.

  I whirled around and threw my hands to my sides. “That’s just it. I don’t know!” I huffed. “You’re doing everything right for once. It’s more than I could have ever hoped for, and now you’re leaving until who knows when?” Tears slipped down my cheeks and I felt foolish for crying. “How can we work on things if I’m here and you’re halfway across the map? What if it doesn’t work? Or better yet, what if you decide none of this is worth coming back for?”

  Dad took a step closer, his eyes brimming with tears and I looked down at the floor, embarrassed for my outburst. “I’m sorry—”

  Before I could finish, he wrapped his arms around me. I tensed for a moment. Being this close to him, the love and emotion I felt overwhelmed me until I relaxed in his embrace. I pressed my cheek to his chest and let myself cry.

  “I’m sorry,” he sobbed into my hair. “I’m so sorry, Lilly. There’s nothing… nothing I can ever say or do that will be enough to express how very sorry I am. It’ll be hard, but this place will help me, and it’ll be worth every second of it in the end. I don’t want to leave, especially now that we’re on the right track, but I can’t assume it’ll stay this way. I’d be stupid to think so.” He pulled me back to stare into my eyes. “I need for you to believe in me.” His tone was serious and his hands gripped my shoulders with focused determination. “I can’t do this if you think I’ll fail. Do you believe in me? Can I do this?”

  His eyes were glassy, wild, and desperate. He wanted me to believe in him, but could he do this? The truth was, I really didn’t know. There was nothing, up until now, to give me any indication he was ready for this, ready to move forward with his life, much less hope for a relationship with me. But if he needed me to believe this would work, to give him strength and hope, then, by all means, I’d do it. He was my father and I still loved him. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t care so much. I needed this just as much as he; and I wanted it so much more than I realized. Yes, he could do it. He had to.

  I nodded through my own hazy fog. “I love you, Dad… you have to overcome this. I know you can do it.” I glanced over his shoulder and saw Mom standing in the doorway. Tears streamed down her face as she watched us.

  Dad pulled me in for another hug and rested his chin on the top of my head. “I love you too, kiddo.”

  I wasn’t stupid enough to believe that everything was right in the world when it came to my family. We still had history, and our problems wouldn’t be solved overnight, but now we had a renewed sense of respect for each other. We also realized we loved and needed one another more than we could admit. Besides all of that, we still had a lot of crap to work out.

  It probably wasn’t one of my better ideas to drive back to my apartment, knowing I was so exhausted, both physically and emotionally. But I did anyway after the three of us finished the night, sitting around in the living room, chatting about the old days when Jesse was alive and all the havoc we used to cause around the house. It was bittersweet, but cleansing in a way. It was something we’d never done before, but something we should have always done to keep the good memories of him alive.

  Dad grew brave, putting on a strong, determined face, and we all went up to Jesse’s room. It was so hard on him. He cried and cried; and though I expected to see some emotion, I never thought it would be so all-consuming, and heartbreakingly sad. It was too much for all of us and we cried together. I didn’t know how I still had any tears left in me. Dad took a few items of Jesse’s he wanted to keep, and by then, we were all exhausted. He promised he would call before he left for Utah and periodically during his treatment. I even promised to come up there, if he needed me. I’d try anything to get what we had before back. I couldn’t speak for my mom or dad, but I felt like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders.

  It was nearly twelve when I left. Mom tried her best to get me to stay until the morning, but I knew she’d stall then too. She’d keep me there past lunch, and I’d waste half the day with her when I could be at school, sweet-talking my ex-boss or looking for another job elsewhere.

  The long drive home was harder than I expected. Out of sheer spite, I forced myself down the stretch of road where the accident happened. If my dad could put himself through all the heartache he did a few hours ago, surely, I could drive down one lonely stretch of road. I might have only driven five miles per hour, fearing I’d take the curve too fast, or have an animal run out in front of me, but I made it. I didn’t wreck, hit anything, or die… I call that a success.

  I rolled the windows down in an effort to keep myself awake. The cold made me shiver and I knew I wouldn’t fall asleep at the wheel with my teeth chattering. I also blasted the music so loud, the bass vibrated though my rearview mirror, making everything in it blurry. Not that it mattered, since there was hardly any traffic on the road.

  Finally back at my apartment, I parked my car and stumbled out of it, feeling like a cold, dead person. My hair was scattered every which-way. I patted it down to avoid looking like I stuck my finger in a light socket. Not that it mattered; no one was up this late anyway. Sane people were sleeping comfortably in their toasty beds. My eyes stung and felt puffy, no doubt from the buckets of tears I cried. My toes, hands and lips were ice cold and I felt stiff… I needed my bed.

  Tossing my bags on the kitchen table, I stood in my empty apartment. It was so quiet, I could hear the tick, tick, ticking of the clock in kitchen. Glancing up, I saw it was nearly
two in the morning and realized I was an idiot. Would it really have killed me to stay one more night at Mom’s? No, but I was ready to be back home. Now that I was here though, it didn’t feel like enough. I grabbed my keys, locked my door behind me, and walked back out onto the landing.

  Lightly knocking on Drew’s door, I tried not to disturb the surrounding apartments. I grinned, thinking how ironic it was. I didn’t want to wake him with a phone call and let him know I was coming home early, yet I waited ‘til much later to knock on his door.

  It opened slightly after a few more knocks and Drew peeped through the crack in the door as he tried to focus. When he opened the door wider, I smiled. Wearing sweat pants and a tee shirt, his hair was tousled, sticking up in every direction, which made my stomach flutter. Only he could look sexy half asleep.

  “Hi,” I said.

  Drew’s eyes widened, realizing who I was, and he opened the door all the way. He looked me over, stepping closer and holding my face between his hands. “You’re freezing and your lips are blue.” He rubbed his warm, smooth hands against my cheeks. “Your eyes… what happened?”

  “Dad came over to the house. We had a moment, bonded, cried, and said our ‘I still love yous.’ It was epic. Can I come in? I’m freezing.”

  “Yes, yes of course.” He pulled me inside and shut the door. “So what else? What did he say and why the heck did you drive home so late? What if something happened?”

  I left him standing at the door and walked into his bedroom. His footsteps fell heavy on the floor as he followed. I pulled my shoes and socks off before crawling into his bed. He stood at the edge of it and gazed at me with confusion.

  “I’m exhausted, my eyes burn, and I’m cold. Can we talk about Dad when we get up?”

  His eyes softened instantly, “Whatever you want, baby,” he said, climbing into bed beside me.

  Pulling me closer, I curled up against him and intertwined my legs between his. Drew’s warmth surrounded me and I felt instantly relaxed and safe in his arms.