May giggled. ‘I know. He ought to have an archiepiscopal health warning stamped on him.’
Rupert? Or Johnny, even? Surely not.
‘But could you marry a man with tattoos and a lion skin?’ asked Maddy.
They looked at one another and sighed simultaneously. ‘Yes!’
It had been Johnny. Hah! Celibacy was clearly a flexible concept. He’d never kissed her. If she’d been there, would he have done? She consoled herself with the thought that Rupert had kissed her, and not Maddy and May, the night at the ball. Even if he had been drunk at the time.
‘And Rupert,’ said Maddy. ‘What about Rupert, then? That boy’s been misspending his youth as well, or I’m a Girl Guide. Did you see where he had his hands? All of a sudden, I’m in favour of polygamy.’
‘Polyandry,’ corrected Mara, pedantically.
‘Oh, meow!’ sang Maddy.
‘Yes, you certainly should have come,’ said May.
‘What as?’ asked Mara, atoning for her pettiness by offering herself as a target.
‘The Witch of Endor?’ suggested May. ‘Lot’s wife?’
‘One of the seven thin cows of Pharaoh’s dream?’ suggested Maddy.
Even Mara had to laugh at that. May began twirling round the room in Mara’s cape.
‘Let’s go out,’ said Maddy suddenly. ‘Oh, take that thing off, May. You look like you’ve got to be back in the dressing-up box by midnight.’ She turned to Mara. ‘No offence. Let’s go out for a walk. It’s a beautiful night.’
‘It’s cold,’ said Mara.
‘So what? The moon’s out. Look.’ Maddy went across to the window. Mara felt herself wanting to shout ‘Don’t!’ Maddy opened the curtains and she and May looked out.
‘ “With how sad steps, O Moon –” ’
‘Oh, do shut up!’ howled Maddy.
‘ “– thou climbst the skies! How silently –” ’
‘ “Say it’s only a paper moon!” ’ boomed Maddy’s magnificent contralto.
‘ “– and with how wan a face!” ’ bawled May.
‘ “Sailing over a cardboard sea!” ’
The battle grew louder and louder, and there was a thumping on the wall from the polecat, and then a hammering on the door. Mara went to open it. Rupert. And Johnny. But her smile froze even as Rupert was saying, ‘Happy New Year, sweetie,’ and leaning to kiss her cheek. Joanna was with them. Mara was hardly aware of Johnny asking her if she was all right. Joanna was upon her.
‘Hello, Mara. What a wonderful room. You’re so lucky.’ Sparkle, sparkle. She was treating her like a bosom friend. Mara took a step back, but Joanna drew near again. Rupert was talking to Maddy and May, but Johnny leant against the wall watching Mara and Joanna. ‘I hope I get a room like this when I’m in Jesus, but I’ll have to take what I’m given, of course.’
Mara stood very still. What’s this?
‘Didn’t I tell you I’ve applied to change colleges? I’ve finally admitted to the Lord that He’s right, and I should have applied here in the first place. But I was rebelling.’
She looked coy. Mara heard snakes in her mind. They came writhing out until they stood in a deadly halo around her head. The girl chattered on about the Lord.
‘He had to show me I was rebelling against Him. You’d have thought I’d have learnt by now, wouldn’t you? Anyway, to cut a long story short, I’m changing colleges. The Lord’s wanting me to work for him here.’
She was gazing up into Mara’s face as though she were intent on seducing her. The snakes gave a warning rattle. Just fuck off.
‘We were just going out,’ said Mara distinctly. She went and took her cloak from May, who was still wearing it. ‘It’s a beautiful night. The moon is out, and we,’ she pulled on her hat, ‘are going for a nice walk.’ They were all staring at her.
‘Isn’t it a bit cold?’ asked Rupert.
‘Yes,’ said Maddy, apparently forgetting her earlier words. For a moment nobody moved.
Then Johnny spoke. ‘Ha’away, you soft southerners. Since when has it been too cold to go out for a drink?’
At this, Maddy and May raced off for their coats. Mara could hear them receding into the distance as she went down the stairs with Rupert, Johnny and the girl. She tried to block out the sound of her chatter as they made their way through the college towards Coverdale Hall. Rupert and Johnny will go for their coats, she thought, and I’ll be left with her.
But then she heard Joanna asking: ‘Will I be cold, do you think?’
It was addressed to Johnny, but Rupert answered a little impatiently, ‘Well, were you cold coming over here?’
‘I was a bit . . .’
There was a short, stubborn silence, then Rupert, who had the disadvantage of being a gentleman, offered to lend her a pullover. The two set off together. Johnny disappeared to his own room, leaving Mara standing in the hallway.
If she gets a place here, I’ll have to leave. She stared at the notices pinned on the board. I shouldn’t let her have this hold on me. It’s as though she’s a catalyst. Seemingly harmless, but speeding up some terrible chemical process inside me. The notices lifted and fluttered as the door opened. Maddy and May came in, wrapped up against the cold.
‘My God, you really hate that girl, don’t you?’ said Maddy. ‘We’re going for a nice walk. Sorry sorry sorry!’ She put out crossed forefingers to ward off the flash of anger in Mara’s eye. She still couldn’t take being mimicked.
‘Why do you hate her?’ asked May. ‘Apart from the fact that she talks about the Lord as if he was her boyfriend.’
The fishwife’s head appeared at the window of her bar: ‘She gets on my tit ends.’
‘She does? How?’ Maddy’s eyes strayed over Mara’s spare figure in wonderment.
‘ “With God all things are possible,” ’ quoted May.
‘ “Although for men it is impossible,” ’ continued Maddy, and they both began to giggle. Mara wondered afresh why she put up with them, but she had to admit that she no longer felt as though she was about to fly into a million pieces.
At last the others came back – Joanna looking elfin in Rupert’s guernsey – and they all set off down the cobbled street which led to the bridge and the river. The moon followed them across the windows and above the rooftops. Maddy began singing again, ‘Moonlight Becomes You.’ The song was punctuated by shrieks as she lost her footing. Joanna was squealing and clutching at Rupert’s arm, no doubt because Johnny was falling back and waiting for Mara.
‘St Agnes’ Eve. Ah, bitter chill it was!’ called May.
‘Just shut up!’ came Maddy’s voice. ‘Or I’ll start singing again.’
‘Spare us!’ said Rupert in the distance.
Johnny drew near to Mara. She stared stubbornly at the icicles which hung like knives from the gutters. The others were drawing ahead.
‘Are you all right?’ he asked. ‘I was worried about you after I phoned.’ But not enough to call again. ‘I’d’ve rung back, but you said you didn’t want to talk.’ She said nothing, struggling to control her rising temper.
‘I want to see the river,’ Maddy’s voice floated back to them.
‘How was the funeral?’
‘I didn’t go.’
He made as if to speak, then checked himself. People always disapproved if you didn’t attend funerals. Not paying proper respect.
‘You don’t have to handle me with kid gloves.’
‘Fair enough,’ he said. Ahead of them Joanna slipped on the ice and wailed until Rupert helped her up. Mara made a scornful noise, and suddenly Johnny stopped.
‘Look, we all know she’s a pain in the arse, but so what? The rest of us manage to put up with it, so why can’t you?’
She could see the moon reflected in an attic window behind him. It was full.
‘Look at me!’ He seized her shoulders, and she stood not daring to turn away from him. ‘I hate it when you do that.’ Then she saw the anger give way to something like disgust. He released her. ‘You’re
not exactly the easiest person in the world yourself, Mara.’
‘Stop picking on me!’ she burst out.
He gestured in exasperation. ‘What am I supposed to do? First of all I’m handling you with kid gloves, then I’m picking on you.’ He walked off. Women! said the thought bubble trailing after him. After a moment Mara followed. Just because he kissed your friends, jeered the fishwife. Yes, but he shouldn’t have. Either he’s celibate, or he’s not. He shouldn’t fool around.
The others had made their way down to the bank. She watched Johnny join them.
‘Do you suppose it’s thick enough to walk on?’ she heard Maddy asking.
‘No!’ said Rupert and Johnny in unison. They were standing under the trees. Each twig was white with frozen snow as though an untimely spring had set them all flowering in the moonlight. Mara stumbled down the bank to the others.
‘Look, it’s hard enough to stamp on,’ Maddy was saying. Then there was a great shriek as her foot plunged through. Rupert shot out a hand and hauled her back on to the bank. Maddy stood howling and shaking her leg as the rest of them laughed.
‘It’s not funny! Ow, ow! It’s cold. Shut up, you fat bastards!’
‘The answer is, no, it’s not thick enough to walk on,’ said Rupert when he had enough breath to speak.
Mara wandered a little way upstream. Snow had fallen on the ice, and the river was a white road under the stars. Fast black water running underneath. She gazed at it. Surely it could bear her weight? It had been frozen for days. She stepped on it cautiously. The ice creaked but held. She took a few more steps. Her heart pounded. Walking on water. The others were still laughing on the bank as she moved silently across the ice.
‘I’ll have to go home and change,’ wailed Maddy. ‘I’ll get frostbite and it’ll turn to gangrene and my leg will have to be amputated. It’s not funny, Whitaker!’
‘Serves you right,’ said Rupert.
Mara stood watching them.
‘Where’s Mara?’ asked May suddenly.
‘Here,’ she said from the middle of the river. They all wheeled round.
‘My God! Mara – come back! You’ll fall through. You’ve seen it’s not strong enough!’ Rupert stood gesturing her back.
‘It’s always thicker in the middle,’ she replied.
‘I don’t care. Come back now!’
‘Please, Mara!’ begged May.
They were all pleading at once.
‘It’s quite solid,’ she reassured them. ‘Look.’ And she jumped up and down.
To her astonishment Maddy began to cry, and Rupert started to talk to her as though he were persuading her off the railings of the Golden Gate Bridge. Surely they could see the ice would have cracked by now if it was going to?
Johnny made a move towards her, but Rupert held him back.
‘Don’t, John. You’ll both go through.’ They all stood as if they were carved of ice themselves, and, seeing that they were genuinely frightened, Mara relented and turned to the bank again. She was about to walk back when Joanna began screaming hysterically. ‘She’s going to die! She’ll fall through! She’s going to die!’ Rupert shook her, saying ‘Shut up! Just shut up!’ but the girl continued to scream. Mara turned, looked up the white river and changed her mind. She began to walk. No foot had ever trodden there. A mad glee seized her and she broke into a run. Their cries fell away behind her and she was running with the moonlight under her feet, and about her head a hundred thousand stars.
CHAPTER 12
It was mid-morning the following day when Mara unlocked her door. A note was pinned on it: I want to talk to you. Rupert. There was a sound. She jumped, but it was only the polecat.
‘Where have you been?’ he asked.
‘In the library.’
‘What, all night?’ She put on her most offensive stare. ‘Rupert and Johnny are after your blood. What have you done?’
‘Walked on the ice,’ she said, letting herself in. He followed her without waiting to be asked.
‘Walked on the ice? You’ve got a death-wish, girl.’ She gave him a sneering look and hung up her cloak and hat. ‘Is that what you have in mind? Drowning? You’ve given up the idea of slow starvation?’
What was he driving at? Suddenly she knew. ‘That’s what you’re supposed to ask, isn’t it?’ she said nastily. ‘So that when they come up with the stretcher you can leap out of your room like a nice helpful little doctor’s son and say, “She always said she’d take a hundred paracetamol.” ’ She saw that she had succeeded in angering him at last.
‘Christ, you’re such a bitch!’
‘Well, get out if you can’t take it, you interfering little –’
She froze. Footsteps on the stairs. Rupert and Johnny. She looked at the door, then back at the polecat. His eyes were full of malicious anticipation. They had been about three seconds from face-slapping, but the fight vanished like a burst bubble.
‘May I stay and watch?’ the polecat asked.
Instantly Mara’s heart hardened. She sat casually on the edge of the desk. ‘Tell me if I flinch.’ The footsteps were almost at the door.
‘Flinch?’ said the polecat. ‘You don’t know Rupert. You’re going to be flayed alive.’ He arranged himself in a chair. There was a knock.
‘Come in,’ she called.
In they came. One look at their faces told her that she had seriously underestimated what lay in store. Rupert bore down on her. Short of jumping out of the window, there was no escape. Instead she took mental flight off, away, out on to the moorlands of her mind, trying to block out his savage words. Phrases kept roaring across the sky, deadly as fighter jets. ‘Your constant attention-seeking . . .’, ‘Your contempt of other people’s feelings and opinions . . .’ The moorland was beginning to slip away. She would burst into tears. Her only hope was to anger him into losing control. Her stare changed from vacant, to bored, to insolent. She saw it beginning to take effect.
‘You’re not listening to a word I’m saying!’
She started to say, ‘Sorry, what was that last bit?’ when Johnny grabbed her and hauled her roughly to her feet. His face was white with fury. She cried out in fear.
‘You might not care what happens to you,’ he shouted, ‘but I do.’ He shook her till her head spun. Dimly she was aware of Rupert protesting. ‘Don’t you ever fuck me around like that again!’ He let her go and she stumbled back against the desk. The door crashed shut. There was a stunned silence, then she heard Rupert asking if she was all right.
‘Yes, thank you,’ she answered coldly. But she was not. Johnny’s anger had split open her defences like a shell, and all Rupert’s corrosive words came pouring in. ‘Selfish . . .’ ‘Manipulative . . .’ ‘Behaving like a spoilt princess . . .’
‘You’re going to have to face up to the consequences of your behaviour, Mara.’ He put a hand on her arm. His voice was gentle now. ‘If you behave unreasonably, then I’m afraid that’s how people are going to treat you.’ It was a veiled apology for Johnny’s violence.
She shook his hand off. ‘I don’t give a toss how you or anyone behaves.’ She stared at him, and saw not anger but something else in his face.
‘I think you’ve made that abundantly clear,’ he said quietly. He went, closing the door behind him.
The moorland stood desolate, not a bird in the sky. Strange winds winnowed the hills. The aftermath of Armageddon. She turned to the polecat.
‘Ow,’ he said. He was looking at her in awe, as though she had just climbed out of a wrecked car and was lucky to be alive. ‘Nice teamwork.’ He rose to leave. ‘Sweet of you to let me stay, Mara. It’s so frustrating trying to listen through the wall.’
She was too sick at heart to make any reply. The bells chimed eleven, and she listened to them stupidly. Was that the time? Her books lay on the desk in front of her. She picked one up and started to read. ‘Awake, all you that are asleep, and stand up to judgement; the angel of judgement is come, and the time of harvest draws near.�
� The words passed before her eyes, but they were meaningless. She could still hear Rupert’s voice and feel Johnny’s hands gripping her arms.
The days passed. Outside the temperature rose. Great sheets of ice began to glide down the river, and snow slid from the rooftops in sudden rushes down on to the streets below. Every tree and gutter in the City seemed to be weeping. Then the rains began. The river rose up as if it were possessed, tearing at the banks as it carried down branches and trees. Mara stood watching from the old bridge. She had not seen Rupert or Johnny since they had walked out of her room. Maddy and May were ignoring her. News of the incident had spread through the college. Mara had been sent to Coventry. Well, she thought, I’ve spent most of my life there, so I shouldn’t mind.
She stared at the brown water swirling beneath her. To have had friends and then to have lost them. Why did I let it happen? If Joanna hadn’t screamed . . . If the polecat hadn’t provoked me . . . The bells chimed one. She would have to brace herself and go back to college lunch with everyone glancing at her and thinking things. And whispering. They were all calling her ‘Princess’. The polecat must have repeated what Rupert had said. She had pushed him too far. What else might he broadcast? She’s scared of spiders . . . She thinks she sees angels . . . Everywhere she turned, she felt the words ‘And serve her right’ quivering in the air. Well, I’ll get over it. She could almost think ‘So what?’ without some stinging phrase of Rupert’s whipping through her mind. ‘You think the rules don’t apply to you.’ She began to walk back to college, gathering her defences around her. Pray to St Bartholomew, the patron saint of the flayed alive. In her mind’s eye a trail of bloody footprints followed her up the street.
Her face was a stony mask during lunch. Maddy and May sat on the other side of the hall. Nobody spoke to her. She left and climbed the stairs to her room. She was feeling for her keys when the polecat appeared.
‘Coffee?’ he said. This was the first conciliatory gesture anyone had made, but it brought out a perverse anger in her.
‘Been punished enough, have I?’
‘No one’s punishing you.’
‘No one’s talking to me, either.’
Angels and Men Page 17