I pushed my hand into my hair, forcing myself to be here and out of the anger of my head. But despite myself, it was so goddamn hard to see through the haze.
If I’d lost her today…
“Things could have turned out so much differently, Alex.”
“I know,” she said, and pushing off the banister, she swallowed. “But it didn’t and I have Aiden. I have him safe and I have Elena.”
But for how long? She physically had her sister, but mentally, I wasn’t so sure. I gestured toward the room. “You can’t keep her here, Alex. And that guy?”
Thoughts of things he’d said sent me to a dark place again, a haze surrounding me I couldn’t easily come out of like I had before.
“Did she get you with that little cunt, too?”
I wanted to annihilate him after he said that, the only thing keeping me from doing so was my promise to the woman I loved. And I did love her. I loved her so damn much, but she was keeping things from me, keeping things from me even still.
“Why did that guy say what he did about you? About…” My heart raced, the pounding drumming through my head, but I couldn’t stop it this time. I couldn’t calm it.
A pent up breath shuddered through me. “Why did he say that stuff about you? About you and him?”
Because she couldn’t have. She couldn’t have possibly been with… with him. But then, she shrank before me, her eyes doing everything but looking into mine and my hand found her shoulder, my other tipping her chin to look at me.
“What happened?” I asked, making myself. So many things needed answers. So many things didn’t make sense, but I needed to know and she needed to be the one to tell me. I didn’t push Alex. I refused in the past as I didn’t want to pressure her. I always let her come to me, but here, now this was important. This was something I needed from her, but when she stepped back I knew I wouldn’t get it and when she shook her head, it scared me I never would.
Her hands went to her lips and only a few words fell from them.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her head continuing to shake. “I’m sorry, but I…” Tears filled her mouth, tiny streams down her cheeks. They went on forever and flowed freely.
“I can’t,” she finished, and I had no idea what to say to that. I had no idea what to do with that or how to even feel. Because after all this time and after everything had been said and done…
She still didn’t trust me.
She removed the towel and her hand pushed through her hair, so beautiful in even the simplest way. That’s why I’d fallen for her. That’s why I loved her.
Pushing my hands into my pockets, I straightened up. I forced myself to sober up.
“What do you need then?” I asked her. “What do you need from me?” The cold I never meant to surface, but damn if I couldn’t fight that in my voice. The tone had been the only way to mask other things, hurt amongst them. Pushing it down, I tipped my chin toward the motel room. “What do you need for them? I’ll help you with wherever you want to go or whatever you want to do.”
She had my heart this woman. She had my soul and that’s why her eyes squeezed so tight, pained and tortured me more. I wanted to default immediately, grab her, and make her safe, but she was making it so hard, because every time we moved forward, she’d find a way to revert back. She kept finding ways to push me away.
Her fingers came under her eyes, wiping away the tears. She sniffed. “You don’t have to,” she said, going into her own default. She stepped back. “With the money I have, I’ll get us to where we need to go. Someplace safe.”
I rubbed the back of my head, my frustrations and everything else I couldn’t smooth out or remove. But even with them, I couldn’t ignore what she’d said. I couldn’t ignore what she wanted and what I, too, felt she needed. That went beyond any frustrations I had. I needed her safe more than anything I could possibly ever need, and so I offered, hoping and praying she’d take it.
“If you’re willing,” I told her, looking up at her. “And if your sister is, too, as I think she needs to decide on her own, I know a place. We can head there tomorrow and it’s safe.”
In fact, it was more than safe, so much more.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Alexa
Why does he still want to help me?
He wouldn’t if he knew the truth.
I stood there that night, listening to him, and once he was done. Once he told me where he wanted to take me and my family, I protested immediately. He wanted to protect us, protect me, under the shelter of his own family’s roof, his grandmother’s in particular.
“You’ll be safe there,” he said. “You, Aiden, and your sister.”
Why is he still doing this…? Why?
The question of his willingness to help loomed again as I stared into his eyes that night, the ones that looked at me in such a different way than even twenty-four hours ago. I lost something familiar in them. I lost that love that used to shine so bright in only minutes. That seemed to make sense, though. He’d given it to me so quickly, his heart.
The night saw me tossing and turning, anxiety and guilt storming over me in their chilling waves. I had taken Brody up on his offer. I allowed myself to give into my own fear. My nephew, he needed something positive. He needed something safe, and if Brody felt his family’s place was that, I couldn’t turn a blind eye to it.
No matter how much I didn’t deserve that or him.
The next morning, I told Aiden the plan, and though he seemed hesitant, quiet like he had been the night before, he agreed. He agreed as long as I’d be there.
“Of course, baby,” I told him, kissing his hair. “Now go wash up.”
He did, sliding off the queen bed the three of us shared last night. He ended up being Switzerland between my sister and I, neural between the two worlds.
He hung on the door of the bathroom. “Brody will be there too, right?” he asked, his voice light. “And his gun?”
I hated that he thought we’d need it, but he was nine. He wasn’t dumb.
“Brody will be there and don’t worry about the other thing. Go wash up.”
Nodding, he headed away to do what he’d been told, gathering Joe along the way. The front door opened shortly after that, sending my heart into overdrive. The appearance of my sister marked no danger to me, but her coming in didn’t make my heart settle any less. She stepped into the room, turning back to flick a lit cigarette out the door. A cloud of smoke left her lips and filled the room.
“I’m assuming you heard the plan?” I asked her, sliding Aiden’s clothes into his bag. The window had been open after all. That’s the only way Aiden let her go out to smoke. He needed a visual of both of us at all times. We more than abided.
Elena strode past me, ignoring me as she got her own bag off the floor. Her purse had been the only thing she managed to take with her in the shuffle and that’s probably because it had been right by the door. I wouldn’t mention it to her, but I checked it last night after she went to sleep. I had to make sure she had no means of contact and no way to contact him.
Elena raised her bag and cringed before she even got to full height. She must have forgotten about the sharp reminder of the man who’d done it to her. She didn’t say a word when she nursed it and I assumed I’d be ignored, but then she spoke and I almost wished she’d chosen the route of silence.
“Mmmhmm,” she said, sniffing. She was doing that a lot, sniffing. She pushed the back of hand over her face, the oval ring she wore hitting her nose. Taking a chair, she shoved her box of cigarettes inside her purse, fumbling around it.
“I’m assuming you’re still trying to turn my son against me?” The words stung. They hurt as if shot through my chest. I didn’t turn Aiden against her. I didn’t have to. She did a good job of that all by herself.
I settled my arms over Aiden’s bag. “He hurt you, Elena,” and she knew who. I didn’t have to say. “Your arm? You didn’t do that to yourself.”
She kept digging in
her purse. “And what?” she asked, shooting me a look. “You thought you needed to play hero? No one asked you to do that. No one ever asks you to do that.”
I only let her keep going because the bathroom door closed us off from her son’s ears, but I didn’t need to sit there and take it.
Getting up, I gathered the rest of Aiden’s things scattered around the floor. Silence settled across the room, but it wasn’t long before it was broken again.
“I’m not going with you,” Elena said, her voice clipped, sharp behind me. “And you’re not taking my son.”
Huffing, I righted. “The alternative is me calling the police. Nathan twisted your arm in front of him, Elena. I’m sure the authorities would love to hear that.”
She shook her head, lengthy brown strands moving over eyes so familiar to me. Eyes just like mine. We had the same eyes given to us by our mom. She sneered, narrowing them. “You’re so good at that, aren’t you? Telling on folks?”
I wouldn’t let her do this. I got up to clean the room and she followed me.
“Is this for attention?” she asked, jabbing me more with her words. “You coming in here being super woman with your caveman next door?”
She couldn’t prod me. I continued to move, but that didn’t stop her from trying.
“You think that makes you better, too, don’t you?” she went on. “You flashing around that tank with his little accent and saving us riffraff from ourselves?”
I didn’t know why I chose to answer, but I did, turning. “Of course not. You know it’s not like that, Elena. I don’t think that.”
“Oh, but you do,” she snipped, tossing her bag on the chair. “You always do. If it wasn’t for you… If it wasn’t for you…”
Her voice got caught up at the end, the truth of her emotions cutting past that hard exterior. They said how she truly felt, how she’d always felt about me, and that told me nothing changed. I wondered if it ever would.
Sickened by how she felt and so much more, I stepped back from her. I didn’t want to be near her. “You’re still doing this. You’re still blaming me for everything he did when the only party to blame is him.”
She looked away, but I continued. I made myself.
“You know your son has nightmares?” I went on, highlighting yet another element of the man she brought into his life. “Nightmares from watching his mama being hurt?”
The evidence of them I saw only last night. I got to hold him through them, though. I got to hold him and he slept. “And now you bring the very source of his terror back into his life. It’s selfish, Elena. Selfish.”
“Nathan only did what he did yesterday because of you,” she said, shooting a finger at me. “He’s angry, Alex. He’s angry because of you.”
I shook my head at her. “So now what?” I asked her, raising and dropping my hands. “He’s angry and will always be, so where does that leave you, Elena? Where does it leave Aiden? Does he just sit back? Sit back, watch, and learn, from that?”
Her jaw moved a bit, her nostrils flaring. “My business is my business and Nathan isn’t a violent man.”
“Only when he drinks, right?” I said, sarcasm in my voice. “Well, he wasn’t drunk that day in the car, Elena. He wasn’t drunk when he—”
“Stop!” she raised her hand and I knew I lost her. I always did when we got to that point.
Giving up, I picked up Aiden’s bag. “I’m taking Aiden away. I’m taking him someplace safe and you can come if you want to, but no one is making you.”
She didn’t say a word when I went to the bathroom door and stopping, I put my hand on it. “But if you do come? The drugs stay here.”
Because I knew she had them. I searched her bag just last night.
I went to turn the knob of the bathroom and heard her voice. It made me close my eyes.
“Always so good,” she muttered. “Always so perfect with her perfect life and little boyfriend.”
If only she knew the truth, because if she did, maybe she wouldn’t have been so cruel. My life wasn’t perfect and I didn’t have a boyfriend either. I had a feeling I gave him up just last night. I gave him up for her.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Brody
The welcome party came in the form of my gram. Standing tall, her little hands on her hips, she stood on the porch in her cowboy boots and Stetson hat as if three whole feet taller than her short stature. She made the world go round, this woman. She kept my family’s world going around.
Which was why it was so hard to come here today.
She lifted her hand, waving in the direction of my truck coming up her graveled path, and I greeted her back through the window, knowing the rest of the passengers might be too scared or too uneasy to do the same.
Like I knew, the small family remained silent, their hands in their laps. They’d barely spoken the entire drive, not even at the rest stops. I hoped this trip would help with that in some way and allow them to let their minds go a bit after everything that came about yesterday. My gram’s place had a way of aiding in escape and the company? It definitely didn’t hurt either.
She had sunshine on her face, my gram. Only going as far as the steps, she let us come the rest of the way. She always knew how to handle things.
I had warned her of course of what was to come. I had to for the obvious and though, she didn’t care like I knew she wouldn’t, that didn’t mean me coming to her in this way didn’t concern her. I’d been doing that a lot lately—concerning everybody.
Coming up the steps, I squeezed her as if nothing was wrong.
“Hey, Gram.”
Her smile shined, her hand coming down on my back. “Sweet darlin’.”
She always could revert me back, back to the time when she’d been the one taller than me. I drew back, turning toward the folks I knew lingered at the bottom of the steps. That’s where they stopped after we all got out.
I went back down to them and instinctually went to grab the back of Alex’s elbow to guide her, to help her, but before the moment of contact, my hand held its station. I simply hovered, letting her know it was okay to come forward.
I tried to ignore what flashed across her face, how the action made her sad looking, made her frown.
“Gram, this is Alex. Alexa,” I said, introducing the her. “And, Alex, this is my Grandma Rose.”
Though, she had her big hat on, I could still make out Gram’s gray eyes. They lingered warmly over Alex, but I didn’t miss their pass over me. Gram held her hand out. “Nice, to meet you, Alexa.”
Alex smiled a little, so meek, her hand went out rather slowly, shaking it. “Thanks for letting us stay here,” she said, gesturing to her small family. Her sister stood on the bottom step, and in between them, Aiden held both their hands on the middle stair, an action figure’s head poking out the back of his book bag.
“My sister and nephew thank you, too,” she went on.
My gram couldn’t have looked more pleased, her hands rested in front of her apron. She gazed around a bit, giving Aiden one of her warmest smiles. “My pleasure.”
Aiden had been through a lot, yesterday what I was sure was only a snapshot I’d seen of his life, so when the smile went unreturned, I wasn’t surprised. His head dipped a bit instead, stepping behind Alex, but Gram didn’t take any offense. That wasn’t her nature.
“I’m sure y’all are tired,” she went on instead, not missing a beat. “I’ve cleaned up some rooms for you on the second floor.”
“Oh, we only need one.” Alex was the one to speak on behalf of her family again. “We wouldn’t want to inconvenience you. One will be fine. We don’t need a lot of space.”
Gram didn’t argue, though, she did look a little sad.
That got my heart a bit, too.
Gram stepped aside, holding her arms out to let them all know it was okay, her home was okay, and though Alex passed, taking Aiden and Elena with her, I knew it would take some time for them all to believe that. The last to get one of Gram
’s friendly smiles was Alexa’s sister, Elena, but like her son, I knew that one wouldn’t be returned—though for a different reason. Even if Alex was alone with, her I had a feeling she wouldn’t smile.
They all went in the house and Gram called, “First room at the top of stairs.”
They found the stairwell quickly as it was right within view of the door and didn’t hesitate going up. I was sure because that meant seclusion soon, security. I didn’t want to bother them, so I stayed with Gram, thanking her.
I had explained some things on the phone last night. I told her I had a friend and that friend and her family needed some help. I went into the details of the day after that, about California and the riffraff left behind, and she all but shamed me for even asking and not just coming.
“We’ll only be a few days,” I told her now.
“They can stay as long as they’d like, Brody,” Gram responded, and I knew that’s exactly how it’d be with her. She told me something similar last night, but this situation I never intended on being permanent. I had a place of my own. In fact, the only way I was okay with the temporary arrangement was because Gram would be alone these next few days anyway, my Aunt Robin away at a trade show, and me coming with Alex and her family meant she’d have some company. I didn’t like her being in a big house by herself so the arrangement worked out for both parties.
I acknowledged what she said with a nod, though, I had no intention of taking her up on the offer. We really just needed the few days, some time away. I went to go inside, but she touched my arm, sliding it down to my wrist and squeezing.
“She’s real pretty, Brody,” she said, surprising me, and then she smiled a little, but I noticed it was also sad.
“If she’s your reason,” she went on. “Your reason for being gone? That’s okay,” she said. “Just know that’s okay.”
She was the one to leave me standing there then and the cowardice shook me to my very bones.
Because I let her walk away thinking just that.
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