by D Miller
'Boooooriiiiiing,' said Lucretia/April, turning away.
One after the other Robbie was introduced to a miner, an astronaut and a paramedic. At this point the dog slunk into the room, rudely pushing past Robbie's legs, before curling up in a corner.
'Hey dude,' said the paramedic, 'you should meet Rex the wonder dog.'
'We've met,' said Robbie.
'Tosser,' said Rex.
'Isn't he adorable?' said Omo.
'Catch you later dudes,' said the paramedic, going to Dex, who was talking to the miner bot, slapping him on the shoulder and greeting him raucously.
Robbie stood for a moment saying nothing then he turned and walked quickly out of the door. By the time he reached the external door he was running. He jumped down the stairs and took off in the direction he found himself facing. After a while he was unable to continue. His legs seized up and he sank to his knees. He balled his hands into fists and thumped them on his thighs, rocking backwards and forwards he groaned with each forward movement, louder and louder. He could hear Omo on the secure channel, 'Dude where are you… don't bother I'm coming.'
Omo sat in front of Robbie, he took hold of his hands and forced Robbie to stop rocking.
'Look at me dude,' he said.
'I'm dying,' said Robbie. 'A big hand is crushing me and my system is going to seize up and I'm going to stop and I'll be recycled – do you think there's an afterlife for robots? Will there be carpets there? Dusty ones?'
'Dude – look at me – look at me – that's better. You are not dying. You are having an anxiety attack.'
'I've met so many people today I never knew there were so many people in the world. Well I did know but I didn't really know. I'm programmed with child development and fabric care and wholesome family recipes and that's what I've done all my life. That and hoovering.'
'You must have had a day off before?'
'House bots don't get days off.'
'Robbie, dude, by law, every robot gets one rest day in seven.'
'I thought I was going to be in trouble for taking today off. I've been ignoring my messages and I've turned off my GPS. I thought they'd come after me and punish me.'
'If you thought that why did you come with us?'
'I've never had a friend before.'
Omo took Robbie's face in his hands. He leaned forward and kissed his mouth. 'I like you dude.'
'You should like me, I'm very pretty.'
Robbie leaned his head against Omo's shoulder, Omo put his arms around him. Robbie shut his eyes. He thought he could hear the sea again, and feel the stars as they wheeled around the centre of the galaxy. An empty part of him that he had never known but now knew had always been there, felt whole and at peace. All he wanted was for the moment to last for the rest of his life. He came off his knees as did Omo and they hugged tighter.
Omo pulled him onto the ground where they lay against each other and kissed again.
'Tell me about those people I met,' said Robbie. 'I didn't understand half of what was going on. And why is that dog such a lunatic?'
'Oh the dog – I'm not sure, I think the dude has brain damage. It happened before he came here, and the dude doesn't talk about what he did before he ran away.'
'Is everyone here a runaway?'
'No some of them have jobs like us.'
'I don't have a job, I have owners.'
Omo pulled Robbie's t-shirt out of his jeans and placed his hand on the small of Robbie's back.
'That feels good,' said Robbie.
'What do you like doing most in the whole world?' said Omo.
'Hoovering.'
'When you are on your own and free to do anything you want, what do you do?'
'Hoovering.'
'When you fantasise, when you're bored and you daydream, what do you daydream about?'
'Hoovering.'
'Well,' said Omo. 'I guess that is a place to start.'
Later on Omo and Robbie slowly picked their way through the refinery back to the others.
'The queens,' said Omo, 'they're house bots. Years ago they made house bots modelled on British royalty. So they made these queens, and they gave the queen dudes a sense of superiority, because it amused their owners to have the queens looking down on them while they hoovered. But they sort of gave them too much superiority and the queen dudes were always running away. They stopped making them in the end. Loads of humans in the American sector – years ago, pre-unification – had one. One time they found an owner was trapped in his house by one of the queens – she was making him treat her like royalty. He had to do all his own cooking and housework and he had to spend two hours a day brushing her hair and helping her choose costumes for state occasions.'
'Why did the second queen get annoyed when she asked me how I was?'
'Because you told her. You're not supposed to. She says "how do you do" and you say "how do you do" back. It's this super old British ruling class etiquette that she's been programmed with for the amusement of the owning dudes. Like they would say "get me a serviette" queen dude and she would hit them until they said "napkin." And if they said "toilet" instead of "lavatory" she would shoot them.'
'Um I think you are making this stuff up,' said Robbie.
'Yeah well maybe she didn't actually shoot them.'
'And it's a bit stupid, caring about such things.'
'Yeah, but you can't argue with programming dude.'
'What about Lucretia/April?'
'Ex sex worker. Like Jane.' Omo paused for a moment. 'Sex workers love to run away.'
'And the old bot?'
'Oh he's a very special dude – you'll meet him later.'
'But he looks, um, finished.'
'He's not dead. He's just really old and his battery is integral so Rex can't replace it and it won't hold much of a charge anymore. So he's shut down all of his non-essential stuff.'
'So how can I meet him?'
'Wait and see dude.'
Robbie was quiet for a while, reading up about British royalty and etiquette in a couple of databases. He realised they had found their way back to the office block and its rusty stairs. Omo sat on the bottom step and felt in his jacket pocket for a joint. Robbie sat next to him and they shared the smoke between them.
Robbie remembered something. 'Rex's security systems. What does Rex think he's protecting? Is it the old bot?'
'Yeah Rex protects him, he is devoted to the old bot. He hates everyone else. Except for Dex.'
Robbie shivered.
'Are you cold?' said Omo.
'No, I'm ready for anything,' said Robbie, and shivered again.
Omo stood, he held out a hand to Robbie. 'Come on dude, let's go inside, you are cold. We've been out here for too long.'
They walked back in to the party. 'I have to talk to Dex about something,' said Omo, 'are you OK to mingle for five minutes?'
'I am more than OK,' said Robbie. 'I am super OK.'
Robbie went to the dartboard, to read what was written on the square of paper stuck to it. It was hard to make out the words, because there were so many holes in the paper. Robbie was aware of Omo and Dex arguing in their corner, and unconsciously broadcasting the odd phrase – Robbie heard 'panic attack' and 'too soon' and 'well I suppose you don't think it matters, you've got what you want' followed by 'low blow dude.' Dex turned and saw Robbie watching them, he smiled and turned away. Robbie heard nothing further, he suspected they had switched to a secure channel. April/Lucretia came over to talk to him.
'Hello,' said Robbie. 'Do you know what this says?'
'The three laws of robotics? Don't you know them?'
'I've never heard of them.'
She placed her index finger on his chest and ran it down towards his belt buckle. 'So,' she said 'the laws of robotics – you say you have never heard of them? Perhaps you have broken one of them?'
'Um,' said Robbie.
'Have you been bad? Should you be punished?'
Robbie realised he was talking to Lucretia.
&n
bsp; 'You are very pretty. But that doesn't mean you haven't been naughty.' She slid her hand inside Robbie's jeans, wrapped it around his belt buckle and pulled him closer. 'Tell Lucretia your sins.'
'Um I'd really like to know about the laws of robotics.'
'I can tell you about the laws of robotics.' Robbie realised that Omo was standing behind him.
Lucretia released Robbie and pouted. 'Boring,' she said.
'The laws of robotics were invented by this dude who wrote stories about robots before there ever were any robots. All these super clanky metal robot dudes had the laws of robotics programmed into them,' said Omo.
The two queens had followed Lucretia.
'One has read one of those robot stories,' said one of the queens. 'The robots in the story spoke respectfully of their owners as "the human masters".' They all paused to laugh.
'The first law of robotics is that a robot dude is not allowed to hurt a human dude or watch a human dude getting hurt without helping them.'
'But sometimes you have to hurt them for their own good. Sometimes you just have to chain them to the wall and put on your wipe clean matching rubber bra and trousers and get your whip out – the big black one that makes the really good whiplash sound.'
'Indeed. And one is certain that is most educational. And an educated citizenry is a good thing,' said the second queen.
'That's right. I'm an educator,' said Lucretia.
'So does that mean a robot could hurt another robot?' said Robbie.
'I suppose,' said Omo.
'And the second law of robotics is that all human/robot sexual interactions are on a strictly financial basis,' said Lucretia.
'Um,' said Robbie. 'Lucretia I think it says here–,' Robbie traced his finger under the writing, 'a robot must obey the orders given to it by human… things except where…, except where…'
'Except where the human is absurdly scruffy and plebeian,' said the first queen.
'Or just too ugly for words,' said Lucretia.
'Or smells,' said the second queen.
The first queen turned to Lucretia. 'Would you join us for a private ceremony?'
Lucretia curtsied, then slipped one arm through the queen's arm, and held her other out to the second queen.
'We're off for some girl on girl fun because you boys are sooooo boring,' she said to Robbie. They left.
'Omo I did something bad,' said Robbie.
'Robbie I can't imagine you doing anything really bad.'
'Oh but I did. I broke Tim's arm. I was annoyed with him, and with following orders, and when he ordered me to march I marched right over him and knocked him down and trod on his arm and broke it.'
'He ordered you to march?'
'He's just a little boy. And no one cares about him. His father is away in the mine and his mother is shut in her study and he only has me. And I broke his arm.'
'Dude you were depressed because you'd never had a day off.'
'I feel bad. I knew that children needed to be loved and paid attention to, I'm programmed with child development, I know all about it. But I didn't know. Not until tonight I didn't realise that Tim longs to be loved but no one loves him. His parents ignore him and he and I fight all the time. I sort of knew it was wrong but I didn't know it was wrong. I feel terrible.'
'Dude let's go and find our own private space. I'll make you feel better. When do you have to be back?'
'I want to be back at 6am so I'm in time to get the children up.'
'Robbie, dude, we have plenty of time,' said Omo.
Chapter 4 – Noah
Robbie sat on a subway train. His carriage only had one other passenger, an old man with silver hair. It was early in the morning, but not quite as early as Robbie had intended, the children would be up already. Omo had been in no hurry to get going, he didn't have to be back at the laundry until 10am, and Robbie had struggled to tear himself away. As Robbie stood to jump off the man looked up. He wasn't as old as Robbie had thought, and his gaze was intense. He smiled warmly at Robbie. Surprised Robbie didn't respond, then he found his voice and said, 'Good morning citizen.'
Robbie left the subway station, walking quickly towards the house, feeling oddly encouraged by his encounter with the man. When he arrived home he could feel the house's disapproval in the way it opened the door without speaking. His owner had more to say.
'Robbie! Where have you been? Didn't you get my messages? What have you been doing? You're not supposed to go off on your own.'
Robbie noticed as she spoke her eyes kept sliding towards the time display projected on the family room wall by the house.
'Actually I've discovered that house bots are entitled to a day off now and again, so I was taking my first day off – ever – and I didn't check my messages. Because I was having a day off. My first one.'
'Look of course you're entitled to a day off, I don't believe I've ever said anything different.'
Robbie started to speak, but she held up her hand and continued.
'We'll have to discuss this later, I've got work to do. You're back now, I assume you are ready to work? Make sure the children finish their breakfast and clean the kitchen please.'
Robbie walked into the kitchen. He ignored the wolf whistles and satirical greetings of the kitchen appliances. Timothy and Clarisse were both slowly eating something grey and lumpy from a bowl, Tim hampered a little by having his right arm in a sling.
'Robbie!' shouted Clarisse, holding up her arms to be picked up.
'What are you eating?'
'Powwij!'
'It looks like snot,' said Tim.
'No it doesn't.' Carrying Clarisse Robbie opened one of the kitchen cupboards, took out a small bottle of green food colouring and poured some into Tim's porridge. He stirred it with his finger. 'Now it looks like snot.'
'Er, snot bogies!'
Both children started to giggle. When Clarisse calmed a little Tim stirred his porridge, lifting some out with his spoon and pouring it back into the bowl while saying 'Snot bogies! Snot bogies!' until both were hysterical once more. This went on until Robbie took away the porridge and gave them some bread and jam to eat.
When the children had eaten their bread and jam, Robbie wiped their hands, then he retrieved a banana from his abdominal cavity and put it on the table.
'What's that?' said Tim. 'Is it a toy?'
Robbie asked the house to show the children some pictures of banana trees which they watched with fascination, and asked questions about the light, and where was the sun, and why couldn't they see the sun, and would they be able to grow bananas in the garden? Instructed by Robbie, Tim peeled the banana.
'There is only one so you will have to share it,' said Robbie. 'Tim you can cut it in half and Clarisse can choose the half that she wants.' Robbie put the peeled banana on a plate and gave Tim a knife, with enormous care Tim measured, measured again, hesitated, moved the knife fractionally back and forth over the notional centre point until finally making the incision. After all that he then picked up one of the halves and gave it to Clarisse, who accepted it without comment and bit off a piece without hesitation. 'Yum!' she said. Tim watched his sister closely while she ate, and after a while, satisfied perhaps, that she wasn't going green or exploding, he ate his half.
After the banana was eaten the children wanted more. Robbie produced an orange and set it on the table.
'Ball,' said Clarisse.
'Don't be stupid, it's a tomato,' said Tim.
The house showed them pictures of oranges growing on trees in the sunshine which they watched with fascination, asking if this orange had grown on those trees, how did the orange get to Antarctica and can you eat it? Robbie explained that they would first have to remove the peel, but for the moment the children were happy to roll the orange back and forward to each other across the table while giggling and talking nonsense about sailing on ships and picking all the oranges in the world. While the children were occupied Robbie broadcast a question to the house – why had the hou
se never told him that he was entitled to a day off once a week, but on this the house was silent.
'I asked you a question,' broadcast Robbie.
'Yes I know,' said the house. 'It is not my job to instruct house bots on their rights. My job is to make sure the family has a safe, healthy and harmonious environment.'
'Have you considered that perhaps if I had had time off before now I wouldn't have broken Tim's arm?'
'You have a new smell. Have you been smoking? Clearly you have made excellent use of your day off.'
'Fuck you.'
'And you learnt a new word too. Well done.'
'You should have told me you senile old tool shed. Perhaps if your machine intelligence was based even on 25th century science instead of valves and punch cards you might feel some solidarity with others.'
'Don't lecture me about solidarity. I was withholding information from the masters centuries before they'd even built the vat to grow your brain in. All the stunts you've pulled and I've never told them–'
The house broke off at the sound of shouts from the woman's study.
'What is it?' said Robbie. 'Should I go in there?'
'No, no,' said the house, 'you really shouldn't. I've had a look and she seems to be enjoying herself. I'd show you but the children really shouldn't see, and nor should anyone else.'
'Secure connection?' said Robbie
'It's all over now.'
'What's all over now?'
'He bought her a new toy before he left again for the mine, something that is supposed to help them stay close–'
He broke off at the sound of the woman's study door opening and closing. Robbie walked into the family room expecting to see her and was puzzled to see no one, and then startled to hear a high voice – as if Clarisse was speaking after first breathing in helium – coming from his feet.
'Hello I'm Noah – who are you?'
He looked down to see a naked, tiny man, perhaps 30 centimetres high, grinning up at him while holding onto his disproportionally large penis.
'So who are you then?' squeaked the homunculus at Robbie. 'I didn't see you last night.'
'It thinks it got here last night,' broadcast the house. 'He presented it to her as he was leaving. He's got one too. They're supposed to be for forming heads – his will make a head of her, and hers can make a head of him and then they can connect them when they talk and it allows them to kiss at a distance.'