by Aubrey Cara
Del’s mother was busy pouring herself a drink, eying him up and down with a little too much familiarity for his comfort. “So, what brings you here Mr—”
“Forrester, Jake Forrester. Look Mrs. Myers I don’t want to beat around the bush.” The sooner I can get out of this hell hole the better. “I just came here to find out about Del’s father, Thomas Myers.”
Tammy Myers had her bourbon to her lips. Upon hearing this question her drink slammed down on the counter, amber liquid sloshing over the side on her hand. Her relaxed expression changed to that of outrage in a flash. “I wondered why you kept calling me Mrs. Myers. Should’a known.” Throwing back her drink in one swallow she slammed down the empty glass. “You’re no friend of my baby's. Delia doesn’t know nothin' bout that bastard. So, who the fuck are you? And what do you think you know?” Looking around as if she would see some man out the window, lurking in the sparse bushes with a camera she asked, “Did he send you? What the hell does he want after thirty damn years? Checking in on his investments? Making sure Del isn’t going to come after him? You tell that bastard I’m not the one that breaks promises. I kept my end of the bargain. I never told her the devil was her daddy.”
Something in Jake grew cold. “I am a friend of Del's, and what do you mean investment? What kind of bargain did you make with Delia’s father? Why couldn’t you tell her who her father was?”
“It ain't none of your business. I don’t know who you are and I don’t care. Get the hell off my property.” This said, she poured two fingers worth of bourbon. Slamming it back down, she pouring another.
He wanted to mention that it wasn’t even ten in the morning, but he didn’t think Tammy Myers was the kind of woman that let something like morning keep her from heavy drinking. He was more than a little concerned when she pulled an old six shooter out of a beat up drawer most people would keep their eating utensils in, and slapped it on the counter. Maybe it was a good time to head out. A creak and thwap of the metal screen door broke the silence as he and Tammy both turned to see Del standing just inside the doorway.
A wealth of emotions crossed Del’s face as she took in her childhood home. Her gaze filled with tears even as her shoulders squared in firm resolve as she took in her booze-swilling mother standing at the counter. How many times had this scene with her mother standing there bourbon in hand, gun on the counter, played out before her?
He suddenly felt like an interloper coming here and confronting her mother before he had even talked to her. He had no right to be here, but here was exactly where he was.
“Well, well,” her mother said. “Looks like the prodigal daughter has returned.”
“Mama.” When Delia didn’t say anything else, just kept staring at her mother, Tammy turned to him. Del’s gaze also turned to him. A puzzled frown pulled down between her brows. “Jake?”
“Looks like you’re friends with my little girl after all.” Turning to Del she said, “This one seems like he’d be a good ride. Better than that shit you married. Even if he’s on the nosy side. I wondered when you’d get smart.”
Del didn’t show any reaction to this. Not saying anything, she continued to stare at her mother. Tammy started to fidget, uncomfortably looking anywhere but at Del, trying to casually sip her bourbon. He noticed Tammy’s hand was shaking as she set her glass down and lit a cigarette.
“What happened to you Mama?” Del asked gently, but Tammy startled.
“Have I changed so much? And I just was think’n how life’s been same shit different day.”
“No, before these last seven years,” Del said. “You’ve been a drunken sorry excuse for a mother my whole life. Don’t look surprised, we both know it’s nothing but the truth. What happened? Were you always this…jaded and broken? You’re as beat up and broken as this damn trailer, Mama.”
Tammy looked as though a bucket of ice water had been dumped over her head. Her mouth opened and closed before she drew herself up, rigid with indignation. With a sneer she said, “If you’re here to insult me, you can take your new pretty boy bed buddy and your fancy pants self and fuck off!”
“Oh, I plan to,” Del said. “And I’ll gladly never lay eyes on you again. But first you’re going to tell me who Thomas Myers is.”
“You’re so like him,” Tammy said, sneering. “Did you know that? Always judged me, even when you were little, you have his eyes, but that look...oh that look that says you’re disgusted and disappointed. That’s the exact look Tommy’s dad gave me before he paid me off. Nobody ever gives you that look without it being seared into your brain, little girl.” Tammy gave a derisive snort. “Tommy Myers, fuck head. Ha, he was the man that was going to love and cherish me forever, little girl. Surprise, surprise. You were a product of love. Well, love and stupidity. Your daddy was a smooth talker. Got me to the point I would follow him anywhere, do anything for him. Knocked me up, married me all hush hush, and then left me with a baby all by myself. Jekyll and Hyde that one. Soon as his daddy disapproved and cut off his money, he was gone. He didn't even return to divorce me. Just let his daddy come with a check to buy me off. Threatened to have me killed if I ever tried to get a penny more out him.”
*** ***
Still clutching her bourbon tight, her mama plopped down on the sorry excuse for a couch. Deflated, she just sat there staring at the floor or maybe the dust moats. Delia didn’t know. It was so long before she looked up at her, Delia wondered if her mother had completely forgotten they were there. When her mother's eyes finally met hers, they were brimming with tears. Her face crumpled up, looking more lost and vulnerable than Delia had ever seen her. Delia wondered if this was the young woman who had gotten left pregnant and heartbroken.
When her mama finally spoke, her voice was soft, wistful and thick, with tears trickling one by one down her cheeks. “A couple a weeks into the summer I was nineteen, Tommy came over to my spot on the beach with his friend…Andy, I think was his name. I can’t remember, he was stupid over my friend Shelly. But Tommy, I’ll never forget the first time I laid eyes on Tommy. He was a beautiful bastard. A golden god, with light shining all around him. He had these soft, dirty blond curls, just like yours. I was a sucker for those curls. And his chiseled jaw line...we were something special before I got knocked up with you. He left me, left me with his baby like worthless garbage. And there you were. Looking just like him. Reminding me every day worthless garbage was all I’d ever be.”
“Please Mama,” Delia said. “You’re the one that decided you couldn’t be any more than that. My whole life you’ve been drowning yourself in a bottle. Now I find out it was all for a stupid boy who didn’t want you!”
“You’re more like him than you know, missy. You’ve always let me know I wasn’t worth nothing as a mama! And maybe I wasn’t, but then you took up with that Connar boy. Him and your daddy were cut from the same cloth. I spotted it a mile away. I tried to warn you just like my mama tried to warn me, but you were already duped. Just like me.”
“That’s where the similarities between you and I stop, Mama. I was stupid, I was weak, and I was led on trying to find love. But unlike you, I won’t let that shape who I am. I am not going to live my life a miserable excuse of a human being because I was stupid enough to love, or trust, the wrong person.”
She glanced at Jake, and she blinked back tears as she came to some serious realizations. “I’m not going to run every time I get scared. Or hurt. I'm not a poor, worthless nobody. I deserve to be loved. And I'm certainly not going to ruin my chance at happiness. I’m sorry you were hurt, but you were a mother. Why wasn’t I ever enough? Why couldn’t you be a stronger, better person, for me? I needed you. I needed a real mother!”
*** ***
“Get out!” Tammy screamed. “Leave! You’re just like him. I don’t want you here!” Face contorted , Tammy raised the gun off the counter. With shaking hands, she aimed it straight for Del.
Jake didn’t think, he just dove for the gun. He heard the explosion and the str
ange thud of lead imbedding in Formica at the same time he crashed into Tammy, tackling her to the ground. Del's cry had Jake looking up in horror, expecting the worst. Hands clasped over her head, hunched over in protection, her shocked gaze met his across the room. The air rushed out of him in relief as he took in every inch of Del. She looked ghost white and a bit traumatized from getting shot at. A shaken up Del was better than a wounded Del.
“Get off me, pretty boy!” Tammy screeched from under him.
He pushed himself up off the dirty linoleum floor, wrenching the gun out of Tammy’s hands before standing. He made quick work of swinging out the chamber and making sure it was empty of anymore bullets.
“You were going to shoot me,” Del said in disbelief. “You crazy drunk, you were actually going to shoot me!”
Tammy half sat, half slouched in a drunken sprawl on the ground. Head wobbling around she slurred out, “You had no right coming here Delia, no right! Besides,” she waved an inelegant arm. “I wouldn’t have actually shot you. You're my baby.”
Jake snorted at that bit of drunken reasoning. Del squealed in outrage. “You pointed a loaded gun at me and pulled the trigger! How is that not actually shooting me? You’ve done some pretty crappy stuff over the years Mama, but shooting at me?”
Del hugged herself and he moved to put his arm around her, needing to feel her safe and whole for himself. Ten years were taken off his life when he saw that gun pointed at her. Never had he been so scared in his life. She had other thoughts, because she shrugged him off, needing to be away from him as much as he needed her near. Fighting not to feel too rejected at the moment, he took in her fierce look of determination. She was fighting to keep it together and obviously couldn’t risk leaning on him.
“Jake, you should call the police,” Del said.
“Are you sure?” he asked. Together they looked over the broken shell of a woman huddled on the dirty floor. Head rolling around on her folded arms. Rambling and muttering nonsense to herself.
“Yeah,” Del said. “I'm sure. I'm worried she'll eventually seriously hurt or kill herself if she doesn't get help soon. But all the help in the world won't do any good if she doesn't take it.” She sounded resigned. “I stopped believing my mama was going to change a long time ago,” she said.
He was sure she suffered enough of her mother's drunken antics to last a lifetime.
Tammy’s ramblings had turned into sobs. By the time the police showed up, Del sat huddled next to her mom, with a comforting arm around her, rocking her back and forth. Del never ceased to amaze him when he heard her whispering comforting words to the crazy woman that almost shot her. “You may not remember this tomorrow. You probably won't remember why you got arrested in the first place. But I don’t hate you. You need help. I don’t think you’d ever take it, but a part of me is still a foolish little girl, 'cause I still wish you would.”
Her mother was loaded up with a surprising lack of resistance on Tammy’s part. He heard the crying and pleading for Del’s forgiveness as Tammy was moved to the squad car. He knew it had to be wearing on Del. He kept waiting for her to cave in and call out to the arresting officers that there wasn’t any need to arrest her mother. Thankfully, she stood firm. By the time the last squad car had pulled away he could see her tough exterior she had erected around herself was chipped to near crumbling down around her. Her shoulders slumped in a clear sign of defeat.
*** ***
Jake moved to wrap his arms around her, but she balked at moving into his arms. “Don’t fight me Del, family reunions are bad enough without getting shot at.” Since he wouldn't let her resist, Delia gave into the glorious sensation of being wrapped in his comforting embrace. She tried to remind herself it wasn’t real. To let herself truly lean on him would be a hopeless disaster. But it was hard to remember that tucked into the warm strength of his arms.
“Why are you here Jake?” she asked in a snippy voice. She wanted to strike out at him even as she took in his comfort. She never wanted to leave him, and that wouldn’t do at all. She had come here to talk to her mother. She thought things probably wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand had he not shown up so unexpectedly.
“Del, you’re angry and tired. You’ve been through an ordeal and you’re just looking for someone to strike out at.”
“Yes, I have been through an ordeal. An ordeal that wouldn’t have happened had you not shown up. So it seems I’ve found the perfect someone to strike out at. Again I ask, why are you here?”
He moved back as if struck, completely flabbergasted. “Are you serious?” he asked. “Do you really think that meeting would have gone any better had I not been here? Or would it have played out basically the same? The big difference being you actually end up shot!” Now he looked real pissed. “Do you have any idea how close you came to being killed? You could be dead right now! I’m still sick thinking about it. I’m trying not to think about what ifs, but you are making it really hard Delia! I should spank your ass, in a not so fun manner, right now!”
She was a little sick herself hearing the truth in his words. Had he not been here she would likely be dead. But she wasn't ready to drop the fight. “You know what Jake? I spent my childhood having to pray the bad out of me so I wouldn't end up like my wicked mama, and then I spent years trying to be someone else's idea of perfect. I'm not about to be with a man who thinks I need to be kept in check!”
He ran his hand through his hair, clearly frustrated. “Dammit Del, I don't think you're bad. I don't want to keep you in check. Although to be fair, the longer this argument draws out the more I want to spank you.”
She made an inelegant snort. “Well, if you're not taking me to task, what the hell is it? Why the threats? Is this some kind of sex thing?”
He blew out a breath. “Hell, it's hard to define right on the spot. I'm sure there are plenty of men that spank women for all sorts of reasons. I just see your ass and I want to spank it. And then you do something that drives me crazy, like taking off without a word and going and getting shot at by your mama, and I wanted to spank you more! I'd be lying if I said it didn't turn me on. I'm turned on just thinking about it. And you'd be lying if you said it didn't turn you on!”
Her cheeks flamed. She knew that last part was true, but didn't want to admit it at that moment. She was kind of turned on just arguing about it.
“You know,” he said. “You flush like that when I spank you, too. It just makes me want to spank you for no good reason, other than to make you hot. Even though that first time I had a reason, I still felt horrible when I thought I hurt you. But having you cuddled up after you got your spanking felt so perfect. And the thing is you liked it. And you let me do it, more than once. You were just as happy to get spanked that second time, and maybe even more aroused from it. Why did you let me do it?”
She shrugged, feeling sorry she brought it up now that she felt put on the spot. “The first time I didn't want to feel guilty anymore. I borrowed your money.” At his raised brow she reiterated, “Borrowed your money. I paid it back. And I said ugly things about you when it was Connar I was mad at. Then I really was mad at you and drank way too much and got so sick. I hated that Steven saw me like that. I didn't think the spanking would feel good, but I knew in a way it would make me feel better. Like I had been forgiven. And then it was more than being forgiven. It was that other stuff too. And it's all a bit confusing, and now I'm sorry I brought it up.” She looked down and kicked at the gravel, feeling small after her confession.
He tilted her face up until she looked him in the eye. “I do forgive you,” he said. “I was never really mad, Del. You frustrate the hell out of me, but I like that about you too. Do you know, do you have any idea how much I already love you?”
She felt like the breath had been knocked out of her. He couldn't love her. Not this gorgeous, wonderful man. She wanted to wrap herself around him and never let go. Then she remembered why she was mad at him and felt hurt all over again.
“You love me
?” she said. “When you love someone you don’t accuse them of trying to get pregnant. Or have you forgotten that?”
“How could I have forgotten, it’s why I’m here in the first place. I followed you because I need to apologize. I was an ass.” He paused at her snort and eye roll before he continued, “Okay, I was a giant ass. A giant, stupid ass. And I’m an ass that dropped everything, got my shift covered, and drove seven hours just to say I’m sorry. I freaked out, and when you asked if I thought you would get pregnant on purpose, I hesitated. No excuse. You didn't deserve my hesitation.”
“The truth is,” he said. “The thought of you pregnant with my child felt good, and that scared me.” She fought back tears.
She could hear her own heartbreak at his admission. She stood there staring up into his beautiful dark blue eyes. Taking a moment to imagine what their baby would look like. A baby that would never be.
All his emotions played out across his handsome face, so full of love and understanding.“Say something Del.”
Head bowed, she struggled to speak through the lump in her throat.“With me, there won't ever be babies, Jake.”
*** ***
Jake felt his throat clog watching Del hold back tears. Knowing how much her admission was breaking her apart inside was breaking his heart. He would give anything to take away her pain. Jake's voice came out a bit croaked as he said, “I can live without having any more kids. I can't live without you.” And he realized he really couldn't. He'd never felt this way about anyone before.
“Please forgive me, Del.” Jake's hands cupped her shoulders, rubbing a path from down to her elbows and back up again. She relax a bit at a time. When she didn't say anything he continued. “You don’t have to forgive me right now. We don’t have to do this right this minute. Just know I want you anyway I can have you.” At her quirked brow he realized what he said, “Not in a dirty way, where’s your mind? I’m trying to apologize for my assholeness.” He was feeling a little relieved. She was starting to get her sense of humor back. Definitely a good sign.