by Kate Keir
Nyssa
Day forty-six dawned, and I found myself in my usual position, standing on Odyn’s balcony, watching and waiting. With every minute that passed, I grew more and more anxious. A certain darkness was always at the edge of my vision, waiting to close in on me and bring me the heart-breaking news that I had lost one or both of them forever. This morning, for the first time since I began my vigil, something was different. I watched a lone rider crest the distant hills and tear toward the castle. He was pushing his horse so hard, I started to worry the poor thing would collapse.
I knew he carried news of the war, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the room. This chamber had been my sanctuary for over a month now, and I felt if I left it then I could get hurt. But if I stayed there, then everything would be as it was. All would be well. The rider disappeared into the castle grounds, and I slowly walked back in to the chamber. I closed the door behind me, and sat down on the bed, holding my breath and waiting.
I felt the change like a tangible thing. A ripple ran through the entire castle, and I knew that for better or worse, everything had changed for us now. Just minutes later, I heard the pounding of feet along the corridor that led to my room, and my door burst open to reveal Gidren. “Nyssa, the war is over. We won. Faryn Tarnfell is dead, and the army is returning home.” She ran to me and threw her arms around me, laughing and crying at the same time. I found it difficult to respond to her enthusiasm completely. I was happy to know that Tarnfell couldn’t hurt us anymore, but…
“Gidren, is there any word on how many survivors? Do we know who is coming home?”
The seriousness of my tone brought her back to herself, and her eyes widened as she replied. “No, the rider just said that we were victorious and that the army was a half days’ ride behind him. He was sent ahead to bring us the news and ensure that facilities were set up for the wounded.”
I blinked at that. Half a day? They would be here this afternoon. Despite my fears I smiled. “We have so little time to get everything ready,” I said. “Oh, Gidren, I don’t know how we will be able to wait, now that we know they are soon to come home to us.”
Everyone in the castle went in to a frenzy then, trying to prepare food, lodgings, and medical treatment for the returning soldiers. I had nothing else to do but bathe and dress myself. Gidren had left me to go and help with preparing the food in the kitchens. She had told me she was going to make all of Kip’s favourite foods for him. My stomach clenched as she said it, and I sent a silent prayer to Shyara, begging her to send him home safely to Gidren. I chose my outfit with care. A deep blue gown that looked both regal and respectful. The last thing I wanted was to be dressed in a brightly coloured outfit to welcome the carts of dead that I knew Odyn would insist were brought back to be buried in the forest alongside my father.
I knew Gidren was upset with me because I hadn’t been as excited as she was. But I just couldn’t allow myself to hope, not until I knew who was coming home to me, to us all. My relief in Faryn Tarnfell’s death and the knowledge that the war was over was an intensely overwhelming feeling, but it was tempered by the fear of what may have been sacrificed to achieve our victory. I had never been so afraid in my whole life.
Returning to the balcony, I began my final lonely vigil. In just a couple of hours, I would see them again. Goddess, let me see them again. As I stood, wringing my hands in worry, I heard the door to the chamber open behind me, and Bernhardt crossed the room and wrapped my hand in his. “Remember, the path is already chosen, Nyssa. Everything that comes hereafter is what was always meant to be.” Then we stood together in silence as we waited and watched and didn’t dare to breathe.
At first, I thought that the heat haze was creating images in my mind, dancing and leaping at the top of the hill, but then as more men appeared, I realised it wasn’t my imagination. They were home. The first people over the hill were the men driving the carts that carried the dead. I counted eight carts in total. Each was pulled by a horse, and they were the first over the hill. Odyn had always insisted that they take the place of honour at the front of the column, even though the smell must have been unbearable, from the early casualties that had already begun to decompose.
As the rest of the men came in to view, I noticed they were all on foot. Almost every horse that left with them was gone, except the ones pulling the carts. I breathed in deeply. It was impossible to see who was whom from here. It was time to go downstairs and welcome our heroes home. Bernhardt squeezed my hand hard, and we turned together and left Odyn’s chamber. As we reached the courtyard and the castle gate, my heart soared with pride. It seemed that every single person in the Capital had turned out to welcome the army home. Many of the women called my name and pressed flowers into my hand. There were even quiet murmurs of, “Queen Nyssa and King Odyn.”
I looked at Bernhardt uncertainly, but he just shrugged and led me to the front of the crowd so we would be the first people to welcome the returning men. Everyone parted to make way for us and before long, I stood, waiting as the first cart carrying the dead arrived. The man in control of the horse turned its head so that it veered away from the crowd and pulled up a distance away from us. Probably to spare us the smell and also so no one would recognise a loved one and throw themselves onto the cart in a desperate attempt to hold them one last time.
The final cart caught my eye as it came into view. It wasn’t piled with bodies in the same way as the others. In fact, it seemed to only hold one person. The entire cart was decorated in the state colours of red and black, and the body was covered by a banner of honour. There was a sword laid out at the head of the banner. None of the other carts were decorated, and I felt a spear of ice begin to spread through my stomach. The chanting started then, drawing my attention back to the column of men on foot who were following the cart. The crowd had begun to shout, “Long live the king,” and, “King Odyn, our saviour.”
I frantically searched the group of men and suddenly my eyes met those dark, familiar pools of his, framed by his red hair, which was shaggy and unkempt. His face was hollow and drawn but his eyes were filled with the deepest sorrow I had ever seen. I almost collapsed with relief as I saw his face. I held his gaze for a moment, and then my eyes flickered back to the decorated cart as an agony tore through my body. My eyes came back to his in question, and his eyes gave me the answer I had prayed not to have. He nodded ever so slightly, and mouthed to me, “I’m sorry.”
“No, No, No, No, Nooooooo,” I howled as Bernhardt tried to pull me back, but my grief was so great, no one could have held me. As I reached the cart and climbed up onto the back, I was aware that tears had begun streaming down my face, and I kept on howling the word “no” over and over again. I threw myself to my knees next to him and gently lifted back the banner that covered his face. He looked like he was sleeping, except for the bruise on his cheek and the dried blood around the deep cut under his eye. “Astarin,” I whispered. “Astarin, please no, you have to come back, you can’t leave us. I love you, I love you, I love you.” Then I cradled his head on my knees and kissed his forehead over and over.
At some point, I realised I could hear a high-pitched keening sound that was so loud it hurt my ears. It was another ten minutes before I realised that the sound was coming from me.
I had no idea how long I sat with him. I remembered seeing Gidren sobbing as she walked past the cart, holding Kip’s hand. I was vaguely aware I was happy she had Kip back, but I couldn’t concentrate enough to speak to them, to let them know. The second thing I remembered was when I looked up, Odyn had gone. He had left us both and disappeared into the castle. I felt a tiny thread of hatred run through me at that, but then I turned back to Astarin, and the rest of the world disappeared completely again.
When I came to, I was being carried through the castle corridors by one of the guards who had been left behind during the battle. He shushed me when I started to fight him. I wanted to get back to Astarin. I didn’t want to leave him alone out there. But th
e guard was so much stronger than me, and he kept a tight hold of me until he brought me into my own chamber and gently laid me on the bed. He looked at me sadly and said, “Please try and rest, my lady.” Then he left and I was alone with my grief. I know that I cried for a long time, and then eventually out of sheer exhaustion, I fell in to a restless sleep.
I dreamed of him. I could feel his arms wrapped tightly around me the night he rescued me from the man who had tried to hurt me. I saw his concerned face as I ran into his chest outside the herb shop on the night that my brother was conscripted to Odyn’s army. I re-lived the night he threw himself across the room at me and pinned me to the bed, kissing me so hard it left a bruise. My greatest memory was the night I gave myself to him. The night that I shared something with him I had shared with no one else before. Waking up to him in the morning light, watching me and playing with my hair. I felt as though I was dying with need of him. I couldn’t live without him.
“Nyssa.” I heard someone calling my name and I woke, for a brief, confused moment thinking it would be him. “Nyssa.” Gidren had her arms about me, pulling me toward her, and she was crying so hard. “Oh, Nyssa, I am so, so sorry. I would have come sooner, but Lord Odyn issued orders for you to be left alone.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was he trying to hurt me even more? I had thought it through last night, before I slept, and I had started to wonder if Odyn had let Astarin die in battle to clear the way for himself. The rational part of me knew that wasn’t true. They were brothers and they loved each other. But there was a part of me that rebelled and thought it may have been true. He had left me in my grief, and he hadn’t been to see me himself since he returned.
“Gidren, I have to leave. I said to her. I can’t stay here any longer.” I was frantic and unreasonable. She soothed me gently, and her next words jolted me back to reality a little.
“Nyssa, the funeral for all of the dead was this morning. General Roeseer is to be buried separately in a state funeral of honour this afternoon. Do you wish to go?”
I had forgotten there would be a funeral. How could I forget it? My head was all over the place. “I need to get up,” I said as I stumbled from the bed.
She grabbed me and guided me to the bathing chamber, the bath already drawn and an elegant black gown waiting for me on a hanger. I had never loved Gidren more than I did in that moment. “Thank you,” I whispered to her after she had helped me bathe and dress.
“If there is anything I can do, Nyssa, please ask it of me,” she said as she fitted a short black veil over my face. “Help me to leave afterward, Gidren. I am sorry for it and I will miss you so much, but I can’t stay here.” My voice was pleading, broken. I didn’t recognise any part of myself in it.
“Talk to him, Nyssa. He grieves as much as you do. I know it. Please try.” was her only reply as she handed me a single, white lily, and we left my chamber.
When I arrived at the forest, I felt cold, even in the heat of the day. I walked through the freshly laid graves. There were so many of them. I wondered to myself how many men had lost their lives in this battle. It was already being called the Battle of Kings by everyone in the Capital, and it was going to be the most famous battle in history because it was the one that ended the war and gave Ankh Shdaar a king once again. King Odyn. Gidren never left my side as I walked, even when we arrived at the open grave, and I took in the coffin and stumbled. She held my arm and supported me to keep going. I was so grateful for her.
Odyn was already there, and he looked even worse than yesterday if that was possible. His eyes were haunted, and he looked as though he hadn’t slept at all. He looked ill. Bernhardt stood next to him, leaning into him as though they were holding each other up. As I arrived, everyone looked at me, obviously remembering my public display of grief yesterday. But I found that I didn’t care. I tried to focus on the coffin and on thinking of the man inside it.
Bernhardt caught my eye and indicated I stand next to him and Odyn, but I ignored him, choosing instead to stand opposite them on the other side of the hole in the ground. As the Priest of Shyara began the service, Odyn stood grimly staring at the ground, and Bernhardt wiped tears from his eyes.
Gidren was quietly sobbing next to me as the Priest spoke of the hero General Astarin Roeseer was and how in taking the life of Faryn Tarnfell, he had saved the entire country. It turned out that Astarin had caught Faryn with his blade while they fought, and he was bleeding out rapidly. But the old Valhar had refused to die without a fight and had made sure that he took Astarin’s life before he let the Goddess take his own.
I wondered why Astarin had been fighting Tarnfell. Hadn’t Odyn promised that he would kill him? After all, he was the one who had been so badly wronged all those years ago. Deep down, I knew I was looking for someone to blame, and Odyn was the easiest target. Hadn’t he always been the one I had loved to hate for all of the bad things that had happened? I felt him looking at me then, and I raised my eyes. As we looked at each other, I could feel him almost begging me to forgive him and to give him a chance to explain.
I looked away and watched with tears pooling in my eyes as the demi-priests lowered the coffin into the ground. They chanted a prayer to the Goddess, asking her to accept Astarin’s mortal body as a gift so she might take his soul into her realm and give him eternal life. Gidren grabbed my hand as my legs buckled again, and I almost fell. Looking up, I saw he was watching me again. This time I could see he was worried about me. He tried to smile sadly at me, and I wanted so much to run to him and put my arms around his neck. I wanted him to hold me and tell me that it would be all right.
But I couldn’t do it. The pain was too raw, and the hatred was still there. Right or wrong, I blamed him for not bringing Astarin back to me. I stepped forward and gently dropped my white lily to land on top of the coffin. Using every ounce of strength I had left to hold back the out-pouring of grief and pain I knew was about to come, I turned and left, Gidren following me closely behind.
When I returned to my room, I was truly lost. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I wanted to leave, to go home, but if I did then I would lose every single thing that tied me to Astarin Roeseer. It would be as though he never existed. In the tiny moments where I was completely lucid, I knew I didn’t want to leave Odyn either. I loved him—that hadn’t changed. I just needed to know what had happened out there. I felt as though I couldn’t breathe, the black dress too tight, I was stifled, so I tore it off and instead wrapped a silk robe around myself. Then I pushed my way out onto my balcony and gulped down the fresh, cool evening air.
I pressed my palms against the cool stone of the balcony, and then leaning forward, I let my forehead rest on it too. The sun was setting in the sky, and it left a red stain upon the earth like blood. I wanted it to stop. If the sun sets on this day, I thought, Astarin would be forgotten by tomorrow. His funeral was done and he was gone, and no one would remember him. The tears came hard then, and I turned my back to the stone and allowed myself to slide to the floor. “I will never forget you,” I whispered to the sunset.
I sat for what seemed like minutes but must have been hours for the sun had completely disappeared, and the night was dark and cold. Suddenly, I heard a noise above me. Looking up, I saw Odyn standing on his balcony, dressed in a dark red robe, watching me. I jumped to my feet and started to walk toward my chamber as his voice rang out over the still night. “Nyssa?” I flinched but carried on walking. “Little goddess?” I stopped at that. It tore at my heart and made me want to run to him all over again. But then I remembered Astarin was lying in the cold, hard ground out there, and this man had failed to protect him. As I started to walk again, I heard him shift to follow me with his eyes. Just as I was closing the door, I heard his voice carry down to me with the breeze. “I love you, little goddess.”
I barely slept for the thoughts that kept tormenting my mind. I felt Astarin’s loss more keenly by the minute, but I also felt the loss of Odyn. I kept hearing him tell me he loved me, and I
hated myself for how I felt toward him. But I just didn’t see a way for us to be together after everything that had gone before. I wanted my mother and my brother, and my mind was made up. I would leave for Lyte Harbour today. He told me once that I wasn’t a captive, and I knew that he wouldn’t try to stop me if it was what I truly wanted.
I was packing a bag with some food and water when Bernhardt knocked and came in at my invite. “Are you planning to leave us, sweet child?” he said sadly.
“Bernhardt,” I said sincerely. “I am so sorry for your loss. I know he was a son to you, and I know that you loved him for longer than I did.” I felt the tears coming again.
“How long you know someone is no matter, Nyssa. But it saddens me to hear that you are to leave us and that you will not follow your true path.” He sat at my dresser and poured himself a glass of wine.
“Bernhardt, don’t throw the blame at me here.” I was angry now and it felt good. It was the only thing I had felt apart from devastating loss in days. “He left me when I was grieving on the day they returned. He hasn’t been near me since the funeral, and he banned Gidren from coming to me. Everything he has done has hurt me more since he came back. Then he tells me he loves me and expects me to run to him. Well my days of being dragged to his fucking chamber are done.” I was yelling now, and I knew that I was out of control, but it still felt better than the emptiness that I had been carrying inside me.
He didn’t look angry. He looked broken, I thought.
But I was struggling to care what anyone else was feeling. I had just enough energy left to get myself though today and leave for home.