by J. L. Mac
Chapter 25
Change everything
By the time I was discharged from the hospital on Wednesday, July 10th, day 49, I was ready to raid the nearest liquor store and drink away my irritation at being stuck in a hospital with both Ben and my mother smothering me. Cheyenne’s frequent visits didn’t help the situation either. She was no less pissed off at me than the first time she reamed me for being ‘selfish’.
We arrived at Ben’s house and there were a half a dozen cars parked in his drive. “Ughhh.” Ben groaned, clearly annoyed.
“Um, did I miss something?” I arched my bruised brow and waited for an answer.
“It’s everyone.”
Everyone? Who’s everyone?
My eyes darted from side to side, and I pursed my lips.
“Everyone?”
“Tucker’s truck is there.” Ben’s finger began pointing out the parked vehicles to identify the people who were clearly inside his house. “My mom and dad own that Lexus. That sweet E-Class belongs to my Gramps and Grandmother. My brother’s Caddy is there. There’s Trevor’s ancient Honda.”
“Hey! Don’t say anything about those cars. They last forever.” I stated defensively.
Ben rolled his eyes and sighed then came around to my side of his fancy BMW 750i. His hand found the small of my back like it always did, and he lifted me effortlessly and then climbed the steps to the front door with me in his arms. He paused in front of the door and gently put me back on my one foot while my broken leg hovered above the ground. His hands never left me. It was yet another thing I loved about Ben. If his hands were on me, they usually stayed that way for as long as possible.
“Baby, if you aren’t up to meeting my family right now, I understand. I’ll tell them to leave.”
Baby. I love that.
For the first time in a while I beamed on the inside and my outside matched. I smiled wide and wrapped my arms around his waist. “It’s okay. At least I will win sympathy points with my boyfriend’s family. Have you seen my face?” I joked, and he furrowed his brows disapprovingly.
“That’s not funny at all. They didn’t come here to check out your injuries, Kathleen. I told my mom not to worry about things, but she insisted on everyone helping us settle in and making dinner.” He shrugged, and I could tell that Ben’s mom was likely just as bad as my own with her smothering love and affection. I could think of worse things to deal with.
We entered the house, and Ben helped me hobble along at my request but tired of my show of independence quickly, and scooped me right back into his amazing arms again. I didn’t bother trying to fight him over it. I just sighed in resignation and let Ben carry me in his protective arms. I was utterly embarrassed but my bossy boyfriend was unaffected by the curious gazes that watched us closely. Ben carried me to the sofa and set me down gently then kissed my forehead and brushed his thumb over my bottom lip before running off to gather my medication and something to drink. While Ben scurried off to the kitchen, I surveyed the room and smiled coyly at all the faces that were turned in my direction. The only familiar faces belonged to Tucker, Cheyenne and Trevor. Tucker and Cheyenne had left to retrieve our bags from the car. Trevor went to the kitchen with Ben. The remaining people in the room smiled back at me and appeared to study me with curiosity.
Awkward.
“Hi, I’m Kat,” I said nervously. The first person to approach me was the only other woman in the room. The woman seated herself beside me on Ben’s sofa. Her sympathetic eyes were a familiar shade of blue-green. Her hair was a mass of chocolaty brown that was cut into a bob. She took my hands in hers and looked at me as if she was prepared to jump for joy and cry all at the same time. I was extremely uncomfortable to say the least.
“Kat, honey, I’m Cindy, Benjamin’s mom. I have heard so much about you. I am so sorry about what you and Benjamin have gone through.” She shook her head and clicked her tongue.
“It’s all okay now.” My response was automatic and simply not believable.
“Kat, meet my husband Jeff.” Ben’s mom began introducing her family members to me, and one by one, they approached the couch to greet me properly. “This is our youngest son, Samuel, Jeff’s mom and dad, Barb and Theo.” Cindy grinned proudly once she introduced everyone. Ben was built precisely like his father, Jeff, but inherited mostly his mother’s features. Samuel, Ben’s younger brother, was a clone of Jeff.
Strong genes.
I thought to myself as I observed and compared who favored who. When I looked up, I noticed Cheyenne waiting patiently for her intro foe="Calibriduction. My friend was many things but shy was not one of them. I saw the opportunity to distract attention from myself and leaped at it. “Everyone, this is my best friend and roommate, Cheyenne Reed and her boyfriend, Tucker Barrett.” The Chase clan flocked to Cheyenne and Tucker. When I felt Ben’s eyes on me, I scanned the room. I found him staring at me, his eyes fiery.
Oh. I know that look. YES PLEASE!
He walked over to me slowly and sat beside me. “You amaze me,” he breathed into my ear.
“How so?” He baited me, and I took it. I was officially fishing for compliments from my kinda-sorta-boyfriend. He didn’t elaborate, and I knew he would likely go into detail later when we were alone. At least, that’s what I was hoping for.
“Here, take these.”
I tossed the pills he put in my palm into my mouth and washed them down. Sometime later I fell asleep on the couch in part due to the comfy cushions, but it was mostly due to the pain killers I had taken. I felt Ben once again scoop me into his chest, and I instinctively snuggled in and inhaled my favorite scent.
I love you, I thought drearily as I nuzzled my face into Ben’s firm chest. He stopped moving and sat me down in his…our bed. He slid into the bed behind me, and held me close to him. His arm always fit perfectly across the dip of my waist that my hips only exaggerated. He buried his face in my hair and inhaled.
“You belong here. I’ll never let you go again.” His promise should have alarmed me, but I felt quite the opposite. I felt so utterly complete in that moment in my Ben’s arms, in his home. Arousal stirred low in my stomach, and my heart clenched from the complete contentment that engulfed me. I turned onto my side to face him. To face my Ben, the man I knew I had fallen for. I raised my hand and traced a finger down his bare chest. He shivered just barely. I licked my lips and leaned in to kiss his neck. He took in a deep breath and moved his hand to brush back my hair.
“I need you Ben.” I knew he wanted me too but he was scared. I could tell that my bumps and bruises spooked him. He was obviously nervous about hurting me. I tried to convince him that my bruises looked far worse than they actually felt, but he was not buying it. It had been hands off. It had been over a week since the last time we had been together, and I was desperate for him.
“I need you too, baby.” I got the distinct feeling that Ben wasn’t only talking about sex. He leaned down and took my mouth with his. I squeezed the muscles in his back while we took each other in greedily. He groaned into my mouth and shifted so that he was above me. He was so careful not to rest any of his weight on me. He kept his eyes locked on mine, and I didn’t try closing mine once because I knew he would only insist that I open them.
Ben made love to me for the tonsist that first time that night, and neither of us had to say a word to relay to the other exactly how we felt. I knew he loved me just as much as I loved him. It would just be a matter of time before one of us spoke the three little words that would change everything. I wanted so badly to tell him, but I just couldn’t will the words to come out.
The first week of living with Ben went wonderfully. We were both really getting used to being
so close to one another. I felt safe and the night terrors that had begun immediately following my abduction were soothed by Ben in bed next to me.
We worked well as a couple living together. Occasionally I allowed my mind to run away with me, and I thought about a potential future with him. I
couldn’t imagine a better one. The only thing that seemed to be a sore subject between the two of us was my desire to see if I could dig around on the internet for information about Janis Harper and John Murray’s whereabouts. Ben adamantly disagreed with me on that topic. He insisted that I forget the whole thing and allow myself to move on. I found the prospect next to impossible when torturous nightmares were what awaited me when I closed my eyes every night. It was slightly ironic that being around Ben mostly cured my insomnia and caused dreams to come right back, yet the sleep and dreams that I wanted so bad were now part of my fears. I dreaded sleep because I knew those nightmares, those visions of spurting blood and shallow graves would come barging into my head the moment I was fully asleep. I held the rationale that I couldn’t let go until I knew where these people were and that the police were arresting them for what they had done to me. I wanted justice, peace and maybe even revenge.
Chapter 26
Everything to lose
When I relocated to Dallas it was with a goal in mind. To find myself. I had always wondered if something major would happen to me that would jolt life back into me, awakening the long lost parts that I longed to have back. I wondered if it would be something huge. Something drastic. Something defining. I had wondered, and hoped. It was Wednesday, July 17th, 2013. Day 56 at the firm. Then, there, in front of Ben, I realized that something major did happen. The series of events that had occurred collectively played a role in pulling the old Kathleen back from the world of forgotten souls and crushed dreams. My divorce, my move, my tattoo, working for Ben, being involved with Ben, my investigation, my abduction and now my verbal quarrel with my boss/boyfriend all served as a defibrillator that shocked the old me back into existence.
“Give it back,” I demanded in an annoyed voice with my hand outstretched waiting for what had been taken.
“No,” he said firmly without even looking at me.
“I’m not asking, Ben. You had no right to take my laptop with you to work simply because you don’t want me doing what I need to do.” He shook his head. “I’m not a child!” I shouted.
“Then don’t behave like one. You need to let this go. It’s stupid and dangerous and the police are taking care of things.” Ben wasn’t at all affected by my steadily rising temper. I tossed my hands into the air.
“Oh yes, Ben. The police. They handled things great before I got involved and let’s not forget how awesome they were when I had been abducted from your driveway!”
“Kathleen, I am warning you to let this go.” Warning me? Excitement, and unbridled anger rushed through me. In that moment, the old Kathleen, the real me, annihilated the door to my cloaked world, rolled through it in a tank, and set up shop, occupying the geography of my tormented heart and soul. In short, I was back! In force. Unwavering, wounded and pissed-the-hell-off. I leaned over the front of Ben’s desk, firmly planted my palms flush against the cool heavily lacquered surface and let loose.
“Benjamin Chase.” I shook my head slowly as a sardonic smirk played across my mouth, and my cavalier gaze landed on the poor victim of my impending verbal assault. He sat behind his desk in his executive leather chair and appeared confident, but I saw the glint of anxiety in his eyes. It was all the green light I needed.
“Listen up chief.” Ben’s eyebrows shot up to nearly his hairline and his mouth hung slightly ajar. “Are you the one with night terrors? Dreams so vivid and real that you can feel tape around your wrists still? So real that you can still taste the blood in your mouth?” I growled menacingly. Ben’s face fell in defeat. “No. That would be me. So you see, you don’t have the right to dictate who, what, why, when, or how I do things. You have a right to discuss things with me, but me and only me will do all the final decision making on this front.”
I brought a hand off the desk to motion towards myself then placed it back in position on his desk. Ben leaned back in his seat and crossed his chiseled arms over the wide expanse of his chest.
“As far as your concern for what’s dangerous or careless in my life? You can leave that to me, too. I will be the judge, jury and coincidentally enough, the damn executioner on that. Trust me Benjamin, I am quite skilled when it comes to judging and punishing myself. I think I proved that. No open positions in that department. All full up.” I narrowed my eyes on him and he didn’t even flinch. His lawyer face was better than any poker face I’d ever seen. “I did not get stupid with my little investigation into John. Something went wrong. That something happened to be some deranged psychopath who is obsessed with my boyfriend! I fully intend on finding out where Janis is. She started this nightmare, and when I do find her, and I assure you I will, she will pray for the mercy that death brings! I will rip her life apart, enjoy every damned minute of it and hopefully finally be able to sleep like a baby that night. Agree or disagree, Ben. Either way it doesn’t really matter. I’m finishing this.”
Ben began shaking his head again.
“Kathleen, you will do no such thing! I won’t sit back and watch my girlfriend play vigilante! It’s dangerous. ” I clicked my tongue.
“Well, chief, the good news for you is that you don’t have a say in the matter. Your hands are clean and your conscience will be clear, I assure you. This is my fight. I started it. I’ll finish it. I won’t let this lie. I don’t have any other choice.”
My gaze never left his as he leapt to his feet sending his chair rolling backward to crash into a bookshelf. He stood behind his desk and planted his hands on top, mirroring me. I had to hand it to Ben, when he got pissed, he looked and sounded quite intimidating. If I had been standing before him as the pitiful waif that I had been for so many years, I imagine I would have ran from the room crying. There was no way in hell I would be doing that. I was determined to stand my ground; emotions be damned. Not even Benjamin Chase, the courtroom shark, love of my life, would be able to coax an emotional reaction out of me. Or so I thought.
“It’s not my fucking conscience that I am worried about! You have everything to lose you just refuse to see it.” His jaw tightened and he paused before continuing.
“You walk around thinking you have something to prove to everyone. You don’t have to prove anything. Not to me. I know who you are. From the moment I saw you I knew that I had to find out who you were. I knew that the person that the world sees is a million miles away from what’s inside. I knew that from the start. That’s why I lied my ass off and picked up that stupid book that day.” My breathing stalled, and I stood up straight in front of his desk. Ben’s eyes followed me like a predator preparing to go in for the kill.
“I don’t know everything about your past, and I can’t understand why you can’t let any of this shit go.” I got that sick feeling deep in my gut telling me that I screwed up. Bad.
“Ben, I-”
“No!” He shouted. “I don’t know what the hell happened to you but I’ve been fighting against an undertow called your past. I have nowhere to go but under because you refuse to throw me a life line here. I fell for you as you are. I wish you could see that.” He stood up straight and turned away from me as he walked slowly towards his scenic windows. “To see you fighting against this makes me very sorry for you Kat. You’re doing your best to keep me at arm’s length whether you realize it or not. This thing between us scares the shit out of me too, but I recognized it for what it is, something rare and valuable, and I found the nerve within myself to set my fears aside and gamble on us. I wasn’t a selfish coward! You…” Ben turned to me and jabbed a finger in my direction making me flinch reflexively. “…are stuck in the past, and walking around in the present with a fucking agenda, trying to prove something to everyone including yourself. You are either so damn blind to what’s really in front of your face, or you’re just too spineless to face it. To face me. I’ve begged you to see a therapist about the night terrors and you dismiss my efforts every time. What else am I supposed to do? This woman…” He waved his hand at me. “…is not the woman I fell wopisfor. So even tho
ugh this kills me, two things Kat, one, you will take a leave of absence until further notice. This office won’t be used as a tool so that you can go on some vigilante suicide mission, nor will I watch you do it, and two, this thing between us is over. I won’t be the only one willing to take a risk on us. If that is the case, then clearly I feel stronger about you than you feel for me. Maybe one day you will wake the hell up, leave the past where it belongs, and let this thing between us really happen.”
My lip quivered, and tears filled my eyes. I stood there staring at him, but he wouldn’t look me in the face. He was dismissing me; telling me to leave. He couldn’t even look at me. I let him down. I let us down. I screwed up everything and didn’t even realize what I was losing. Or if I did know it, I clearly ignored the hell out of it. I was so worried about going forward in a relationship. I was worried I would end up hurt. I worried what I could lose. What I hadn’t counted on was finding and falling for a man who was made for me. I broke his heart. I broke my heart. This pain was far worse than any I had imagined when deciding to avoid giving myself over to him completely.