by J. L. Mac
“Okay, just think, Kat.” I said to an empty room.
I should only be about twelve weeks pregnant by the time the wedding rolls around. I shouldn’t be showing, right? Lots of women are able to hide their condition well into the pregnancy. Yes. I will just have to be smart about it until I can find a way to tell Cheyenne.
Cheyenne’s wedding was in just over four weeks on Saturday, September, 28th. According to a calendar that my doctor gave me, my baby was due on April 9th, at the time of Cheyenne’s wedding I would be twelve weeks pregnant and conception was around the middle of July. My chain of thought ceased and wandered off thinking about the timing of conception.
We broke up in the middle of July. A break-up baby. Oh God that’s awful.
My heart broke a little bit more with the realization that the little life I carried had been conceived right before we split up. Ben essentially dumped me but gave me a gift in the process, even if he did it unknowingly. I still couldn’t believe that I was going to have a baby. It had been weeks since Ben and I had last spoken, and I was no less devastated as the days passed. I still missed him desperately. Maybe even more as each day turned into the next. I felt so empty and alone in my apartment now that Ben was done with me, and Cheyenne was moving steadily into her very own happily ever after. Life went on without me. I was a painfully lonely, unemployed divorcee, who got knocked up by a man that I had fallen hard for. I was utterly heartbroken and very conflicted on whether or not to tell Ben about my pregnancy. For the time being, I was resigned to a self-enforced gag-order.
ghtwhet
I ate half stale cereal for dinner that night and watched an infomercial selling a fancy vacuum cleaner that I had zero interest in buying, but I watched numbly anyway.
Chapter 29
Take it or leave it
I woke the next morning thanks to a powerful urge to vomit. I jumped from the couch and tripped over the cereal bowl from the previous night that lay on the floor. I barely made it to the bathroom in time.
Hello morning sickness. Ugh!
After I rinsed my mouth and brushed my teeth, I returned to my spot on the couch to watch things I had recorded on my DVR. There was a loud knock on the door. My heartbeat sped up. I tiptoed to the door in my ratty clothes and looked out the peephole, but the damn thing had been broken for a while and there was moisture trapped inside hindering a clear view of visitors. I groaned, reached for the baseball bat I kept around for safety and swung the door open.
“Kathleen.” I nearly passed out.
What is he doing here?
I drew my own private conclusions while staring at him. “Do you mind if I come in for a minute?”
“No not at all, come right on in,” I said shaking my head while abandoning him at the wide open door to return the baseball bat to its position in the corner. “Have a seat.” I said motioning the loveseat opposite me. I flopped back down on the couch and pressed play on my remote, resuming my show and completely ignoring him. I didn’t care that he was sitting in my apartment nor did I care to know the reason for his visit. I was in far too dark a place to give a shit about anything. Least of all him.
“You look terrible and so does your place,” he said while surveying his surroundings. I joined in critiquing my home. Cereal bowl on the floor, empty water bottles scattered about, dirty laundry piled up in the corner, and there was a faint odor of vomit thanks to the morning sickness that had me racing to the bathroom just before he arrived.
“Gee, thanks Aidan, great to see you too,” I stated with feigned sincerity.
“Kathleen, listen I heard about what happened to you last month. I can’t believe you went through that. You should have called me.”
“For what, Aidan? Honestly, we’re divorced! I won’t even ask how you got my address,” I muttered the last bit shaking my head.
“I called your mom when I heard about what happened and told her I wanted to send you some flowers, she gave it to me.”
Of course she did.
“What’s wrong with you? Are you sick?”
“I’m fine.”
He guffawed loudly at my proclamation of being fine.
“You are anything but!” I scoffed indignantly at my ex-husband and did my best to divert my attention to the TV screen.
“Fine Aidan, whatever. You can leave now.”
“I’m going nowhere. You obviously have something going on and could use some help around here.”
“Stubborn and bossy as always,” I said disapprovingly and added a tsk-tsk for good measure.
“Come out with it, Kathleen.”
“Fine, I suppose it doesn’t really matter. I’m pregnant!” His jaw dropped. “Yep, that’s right Aidan. Pregnant. Knocked up. I fell in love with a guy, but I screwed it up by being…me. Then I found out about the pregnancy. He has since moved on with his life and now has a girlfriend. Cheyenne is engaged to prince fucking charming and has moved in with her soon to be husband. I’m unemployed and to top it all off, my ex-husband has just walked into my apartment and is currently staring at me like I have lost my freakin’ mind, which drives me up the damn wall and makes me want to kick him in his balls!” I shouted the last bit, and his eyes grew wide and amused. “I don’t see a damn thing funny here Aidan!”
“No, you’re right it’s not funny but you are very cute when you’re mad. Always have been.”
“Just knock it off Aidan.”
“Ok fine. Does the father know?”
“Nope and I end up keeping it that way until further notice.” He nodded subtly. I could see the wheels turning. “What?” I asked incredulously.
“I think you need me and I know I need you. I can help.”
“What are you going to do? Adopt my baby and raise it as your own or something?” I said jokingly. Aidan shrugged.
“I have done a lot of thinking and changing since you left me. I told you that the last time we sawst font each other. I told you I wouldn’t give up. I meant it. We could try again. I could be the baby’s father, your husband again.”
“I was joking, Aidan! Jesus!” I shook my head almost too hard.
“Please, Kathleen, give me a chance. I’ll show you. I can’t stand not having you in my life.” He pleaded as he moved over to me and squatted down in front of my seat on the couch. I sighed and rolled my eyes when he gathered my hands in his. I was far too emotional thanks to the hormones raging through my body.
“Aidan, I can only offer to be friends. Just friends. That’s a lot more than you deserve, so take it or leave it.” He smiled his all American boy smile and nodded.
“I’ll take it. I’ll take it.”
Aidan hung out with me for the rest of the day and into the evening. We watched television, and he went out to bring us some cheap takeout. My weakness. He knew me well. After throwing up way too much for it to be considered normal, he went out to the store to buy all the pregnant woman goodies. Saltine crackers, ginger ale, pop sickles, and a wide assortment of foods for me to try. His rationale was that there had to be something I could keep down.
“Thanks Aidan. It’s weird having you here but I don’t really have anyone else right now.” I bowed my head as my brows furrowed and tears began gathering in my eyes.
“I told you, we may be divorced but I support you and if you are struggling right now, you can count on me.”
“Yes, but you will be leaving soon, and I will be alone again.”
“No. I transferred here to our Dallas office.” My mouth hung agape.
“You what?” My voice came out high pitched and sounded annoying to even my own ears.
“I live here now. I requested the transfer.” I sighed. This complicated things. I honestly appreciated him being there as my friend supporting me but if he stayed around me things would certainly get awkward at some point.
What if he is my only male friend around once the baby comes? The baby might think that he is daddy.
“Hey, I could be your roomie,” Aidan said jokingly.
>
“Don’t even,” I admonished.
“I know, I know. I’m only kidding. Listen, don’t be so down okay. Everything will work out.” He swung an arm around my shoulder and squeezed me into his side. I was almost relieved to discover thto ing. Lat there was zero spark between us when he embraced me. It was nothing like what I felt every time Ben touched me. I fell asleep on the couch while watching Television with Aidan. When I woke up the next morning, I was comfortably tucked into my bed and there was a glass of water on my nightstand with a note from Aidan.
‘Kathleen, you fell asleep on the couch. I hope you don’t mind that I moved you to your bed. I am going back to my hotel room at the Walshberg Hotel. Room number is 212 if you need to reach me you can call me there. See you tomorrow. –A.’
I didn’t mind Aidan being around to help me out. I was never able to trust him with my heart, but he always took care of things for me. He had always been a great caregiver, and in my state, I welcomed any help I could get. When I left my bedroom to get my cell phone from the living room, I was welcomed by a spotless apartment. I smiled at Aidan’s thoughtfulness. It turned out that he was a bad husband but a great friend. I decided to call Cheyenne that morning to let her know about Aidan before she found out on her own and thought the worst of it. Of course, when I told her the edited version of the story, she was more than skeptical and gave me the third degree about staying away from Aidan. I eased her worry by making a few reassurances. I told her that Aidan was transferred here and I had given him my contact information the last time I saw him and when he arrived in town he called me to meet as friends and I agreed. Lies of course but I was in no mood or position to tell the whole sordid story.
The next three weeks passed rather smoothly, and my friendship with Aidan had remained just that. I opened up to him about Ben and explained the whole mess. He was understanding and supportive every time I lamented over the loss of Ben. He didn’t have much to say, just gave the occasional nod and reassuring pat on the shoulder or leg. I was grateful for his friendship. I felt like something inside was coming together. Healing. Aidan helped me look into investment opportunities and start the daunting task of baby product research. He and I were hanging out nearly every day and even went to dinner with Cheyenne and Tucker once. Cheyenne had texted me from across the table during dinner.
‘He is so different. Weird!’ I texte
d her back.
‘I told you! We are just friends. Things are different between us. She nodded at me across the table in agreement. I was excited for Aidan for winning over Cheyenne like he had won me over. He had been nothing but a gentlemen since arriving at my apartment weeks before. He helped me with the dreadful morning sickness that would be better off renamed ‘any time sickness’ because it struck at random. Cheyenne bought into the few white lies I had told her and even agreed that Aidan could come to the wedding with me. It appeared that things were as good as could be considering the circumstances. I could have been dead instead of shopping for baby gear and helping my best friend plan her wedding. That thought was never far away from the front of my brain. I was relieved that things were going semi-smoothly even though most of it was based on a foundation of lies. It pained me to lie to Chey but I could not ruin her pre-wedding bliss by waving my accidental pregnancy in her face, and to be completely honest, I found it tough to hang out with her for too long at a time due to my own depression over losing Ben. Misery loves company, preferably someoneeraplete who is equally as miserable as the other. I did my part as Maid of Honor all while keeping my slowly expanding belly a secret. Cheyenne was distracted by the wedding and all things Tucker so slipping under the radar was easier than anticipated.
Chapter 30
Liar, liar panties on fire
Wednesday, September 25th, 2013. Day 126 since my first day at the firm.
Aidan agreed to come with me to my doctor’s appointment. “Are you sure you don’t mind me being here?”
“No not at all. It’s fine. I don’t have anyone else to share the visit with. Besides, it’s very exciting wait till you hear the little heartbeat. It’s amazing!” I said enthusiastically clapping my hands. Aidan smiled warmly at me.
“Okay. I am excited this is a new experience for me too.” His face fell slightly, and his gaze landed on the floor.
He’s thinking about our baby.
“I know,” I said as I patted his leg gently. He just shook his head and remained silent. Doctor Miller came into the room and ran through a series of questions about my diet, bothersome symptoms and options for delivery. She gave me tips to help manage my morning sickness and pamphlets for birthing and parenting classes in the area.
“Shall we take a peek at your baby?” She looked to me then to Aidan, and I immediately could tell she assumed he was the father.
“I would love to,” I squeaked. I was far enough along now that she pulled my top up and used an abdominal probe. The cool gel smeared across my skin as she glided the probe over my little baby bump. Aidan stood beside me staring at the monitor in amazement.
“Okay, Kat. See here, your baby has developed quite a bit since your last appointment. He or she now looks like a little person.” The little baby in my belly was kicking and moving all about even though I was still unable to feel the movements. I couldn’t wait to feel my sweet baby kicking.
“I can see that,”
“Let’s listen to the heartbeat.” She pressed a button, and the rapid swooshing sound filled the small exam room. I smiled from ear to ear and looked to Aidan. His brows rose and he grinned.
ee hing. idaWow, sounds like a strong little thing,” he muttered.
“Yes. The baby has a great heartbeat. Measurements look normal and right on target. Want me to print the pictures?”
“Absolutely!” Aidan answered excitedly before I could. As we walked back to Aidan’s car, he stared at the ultrasound photos in his hand. “Kathleen, this is the most incredible thing I have ever experienced. Thanks for sharing it with me.” He slung his long arm around my shoulders as we walked. I peered up at him and saw how sincere he was.
“Thanks for coming with me Aidan. You are still the only one that knows about the baby. It’s been great having you around. I think I would be in a very bad way if I didn’t have you to force me to get up every day and go on with my life.” I admittedly almost shamefully.
“You’re in love. Your heart is broken, I know, trust me I know. But you have so much to look forward to now,” he said while holding up the ultrasound pictures and waving them in front of my face.
“I know.”
“I think you should tell Ben about the baby.” I sat beside him in his car and looked at him bewildered.
“What? No!” I screeched.
“Come on Kathleen, what I just saw in that exam room was ...there are no words for it. You shouldn’t deny him or the baby of a relationship with each other. New girlfriend or not,” He said firmly.
“I understand what you are trying to say Aidan, but you just don’t get it. He has moved on. He wanted more, he was clear on that, but I was too screwed up to give him, to give us, a proper chance.”
“Just think about it is all I’m saying. You know that no matter what, I will be here for you.” He took my hand in his and squeezed. I smiled at my ex-husband and new friend.
“I know. As bizarre as this relationship between us may be, I am so glad for it. You have been amazing. I mean it Aidan, thank you. Feels like I finally let things go you know?”
“I hope so Kathleen. You deserve to be happy.” His face grew sullen and I hated that he was battling with his own demons and regret.
Saturday, September 28th, 2013. Day 129 since I started at the firm.
“Damn, Chey, I need help zipping.” Cheyenne walked over to me in her silk bridal robe.
“Okay suck it in girl!” I g girl!lance over my shoulder at her.
“Hey! I’m not fat dammit! It’s my boobs; I can’t get the zipper past these things and I can’t exac
tly suck in my boobs,” I said with feigned indignation.
“Oh hush, I’m only joking. Okay there you go.”
“Ouch!” I involuntarily squeaked when she tugged the zipper up, tightly enclosing my tender breasts.
“Crap did I get you?”
Oh shit!
“Oh, um nope. I’m good.” Cheyenne spun me around by my shoulders to look at me.
“Wait a second. Liar, liar, lacey panties on freakin’ fire! Kat, your boobs are huge!” She began surveying the full length of me with her blue eyes as wide as they would open.
Gig’s up. Here it comes.
“Cheyenne it’s just this dress.” She shook her head and wagged her manicured finger at me.