by Natasha Boyd
Table of Contents
Title Page
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
About the Author
ACCORDING
TO
JOEY
A companion short to All That Jazz
By
NATASHA BOYD
Copyright © 2016 by Natasha Boyd
Editing by Judy Roth http://www.judy-roth.com
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the author.
The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real person, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
I was lost in her again. In her taste.
The ocean currents swirled around us, tugging us gently off balance. Jazz pulled away from me. She was running late. It was amazing the way she worked so hard at three different jobs and still had time to make my day.
“Hey,” I called after her, my feet shoved into the sand as an anchor in the waist deep water. I knew she had to leave, but letting her go was physically painful sometimes. “Can I call you later?”
She turned her face slightly. “Text me,” she tossed casually over her shoulder. She was almost out of the water, her red lifeguard swimsuit molding to her curves. And she may as well have flashed me. The effect was the same. My heart pounded. She was just so ...
Oh, God. No.
My eyes tracked her departure. The medical student in me was held in fascinated horror, focused on the painful tugging in the center of my chest like she’d harpooned me and now was walking away with my heart still attached.
I brought a hand up and pinched the bridge of my nose.
I hadn’t planned to fall in love. Jesus.
“You’re out of your mind,” I whispered aloud. “She’s fun, and sweet, and sexy as hell, but you’re not in love with her.” Like if I said it out loud, I could convince myself.
I shook my wet hair and dragged my fingers through it. I felt like a fool talking to myself, but no one was nearby. Gritting my teeth, I squeezed my eyes closed. My chest hurt. My chest damn near ached.
How had I let this happen? But that’s the thing, isn’t it? One probably doesn’t see it coming until it’s too late. Otherwise you’d have gotten yourself out of this sooner, you fool. I guess that’s why they call it falling. It happens by accident.
I had plans. Plans to become a doctor. Plans that were going to be grueling. Leaving no time for much else. Plans that didn’t include aching to be in two places at the same time, or long distance sob fests through the phone, or checking in with someone who wanted to know my every move.
I’d seen it time and again with my dorm mates and their high school and hometown girlfriends. Now here I was. How in the ever-loving shit had I let this happen?
Kissing buddies.
We made out. A lot. I fucking loved kissing Jazz. The cinnamon sting of her tongue, the sea salt smell of her skin, her sweet cotton candy lips. Shit. And her laugh. It was always her laugh. As long as I’d known her. And the way I never knew what she would say next, whether she’d call me out, turn me on, or cut me down.
Mere weeks of this thing we had, and now I craved her. Her touch and her taste and the toss of her crazy blonde hair.
“Fuck,” I said. Louder this time. I could lie to myself all I wanted, but the truth was plain. I hadn’t even thought I had it in me. To love someone. No, that was stupid. To be in love with someone.
So this was what being in love felt like?
Swallowing, I analyzed the sensations and emotions running through me. One thing was certain, love was painful and laced with sheer terror.
My heart pounded wildly, and I knew if my hands weren’t already wet, my palms would be sweating. Sucking the salt water from my bottom lip I faced my internal panic head on. My mental walls were closing in, and I knew there was only one thing to do.
I had to shut down this thing with Jazz before it got worse. Before she started feeling this way too. I couldn’t stay here in Butler Cove. I was going to find another internship somewhere else and leave here as soon as possible. I took a breath through my nose and worked through what that meant.
I was going to have to end this ... whatever the hell this thing was that we were doing.
As soon as possible.
Today.
Tonight.
Shit. It was her birthday. Okay, after her birthday.
It would be better in the long run if I cut it off now. She’d hate me, of course.
She wasn’t the clingy type. She wasn’t Courtney. But God, if she felt half of what I did, I needed to end it.
Now.
As soon as possible.
Or we’d both start making decisions we’d regret.
Jazz Fraser needed to get as far away from Butler Cove as possible. She needed to live. And get some distance between her and her mom. I wasn’t saying she’d end up like her mother, but Jazz was fearless. She was the kind to go after what she wanted with passion. How would she know what she wanted if she didn’t see anything outside of the Lowcountry? She had some of her father in her, that was for certain. There was a restlessness about her. An energy that buzzed. She exuded wildness and freedom, the kind you wanted to grab hold of but that could never be pinned down. She was passionate and loyal though, and she’d sacrifice her own happiness for someone else’s I could tell. If she fell ... when she fell ... she was the type to go all in.
And I didn’t want her to fall for me.
A breath of temporary relief left me. I had a plan. Sever this attraction we had now before it got more serious. Especially for her.
My body pressed against the current, and I took a deep breath and walked out of the water.
She’d get over it.
I’d get over it. Somehow.
I’d end it nicely.
First things first. I would get on the phone and find another internship. Surely someone, somewhere, wasn’t working out and needed a change.
My gut clenched, and my throat felt dry as kindling.
“What’s up with you?” Keri Ann asked as I approached. “Annoyed that your girlfriend had to leave.”
I hadn’t been fooling anyone except myself, apparently. “She’s not my girlfriend,” I snapped. Smoothing my features out of the scowl I could now feel, I grabbed my towel. “Sorry. I’m gonna head home.”
Keri Ann flipped over on the towel to her belly, a smile tugging her lips. “Fine, big brother. If you say so. She’s not your girlfriend. Don’t be late for her surprise party tonight. We’re all getting there around seven thirty.”
How was I going to sit through her birthday dinner knowing I was getting ready to end things?
I blew out a breath.
She’d be fine. She hadn’t displayed any of the classic signs that she was getting more serious about me. Anyway, I’d seen how she was with Chase. She was really into him one minute and over him the next. I’d totally made the wrong call on that one. I was convinced that she would get emotional about him after they slept together.
I picked up my towel and flicked it harshly to get the sand off.
“Hey,” yelped Lizzy.
Chase. What a douche. An image of Chase and Jazz suddenly flashed in mind. Him over her, him getting to taste her sweet mouth, her tanned legs wrapped around him. My gut lurched violently. Jesus.
“Watch it,” Lizzy said again and waved her hands around. “You’re flicking sand.”
“Joey. Are you sure you’re ok
ay?” Keri Ann pulled her sunglasses down her nose as she propped up on an elbow, narrowing her eyes at me.
“I’m fine,” I gritted out. “There’s just fucking sand everywhere.”
“We’re on a beach,” Keri Ann explained patiently, and Lizzy giggled.
“Yep. I’m aware.” I yanked my shirt over my head. “Call me when you want to leave, and I’ll come pick you up. I’ve got some shit to take care of.”
She’d get over me.
I’d get over her.
I had to.
***
On the way home, I dialed my department coordinator and left a message on his voicemail. It was a Saturday. Nothing happened on Saturdays. And it was a holiday weekend. But the panicky feeling stuck with me. I had to do something.
“This is Joey Butler. Unofficially, if you know of someone whose placement is not working out, I’ll take it. I know this is unorthodox. But I have some personal challenges that would be better handled if I was not in my hometown this summer. I know that sounds vague, and I hope you’ll just take it at face value. And I’m hoping it’s early enough in the summer to change. Call me back. Thanks.” I repeated my cell phone number and hung up.
Unorthodox? It was freaking unheard of. And not only had I dropped my original placement to come home because of Nana, now I was doing the exact opposite and leaving her. Shit. I was a mess. How had I let this girl completely derail me?
I parked under the live oak and climbed out the truck. The salt and sweat on my skin, and my still damp swimming shorts, were giving me a goddamn chafe. I slammed through the screen door into the blessed air conditioning. Nana had the fan going in the kitchen.
“Joseph Walter Butler, you made me jump out of my skin startling me like that.”
Nana turned in the kitchen and brandished a wooden spoon at me. She wore her favorite cherry stem apron, tied around her small bony frame. She was shrinking before my very eyes. Smaller and frailer every time I came home.
“What are you making?”
“Pimento cheese.” Except she pronounced it pim-enna. “What’s the matter with you? You seem agitated.”
I pulled out a chair. “I don’t think it’s going to work out for me to stay here this summer.”
Nana set down her mixing bowl and came to sit opposite me. “Is it not working out with Dr. Barrett? Is it because of me, now that I’m his patient?”
I dragged my palm down my face and blew out a breath. “No. It’s not you. Sure that’s a bit nerve wracking.” Actually it was the perfect excuse. “Well, yeah. It might partly be that.”
It was certainly the excuse I would now be using to get the transfer. Brilliant.
Nana reached out a hand that trembled slightly and took my fingers. What was I thinking? I needed to stay for Nana. Christ I felt so torn.
“Phew!” Nana said.
I looked up. “What?”
“I didn’t think it was a good idea for you to come here anyway. Breathing down my neck about whether I‘m taking my meds.” I rolled my eyes and she patted my hand. “Not that I don’t love to see you. But you have lots to accomplish before you settle down in Butler Cove.” She paused. “If you settle down here.”
“Of course I’ll come here. What do you mean?” Nana and Keri Ann, and this house, were my only family. My only home.
“I mean in the future,” she said. “After I’m long gone. This house shouldn’t continue to be a burden to you. You should be able to leave one day if you don’t want to stay. If you don’t want the house.”
“I do want the house. We’ll always want the house. We love it here. Keri Ann and Jazz—”
Holy shit. Had I just almost said Keri Ann and Jazz would never let me sell it? Seriously I’d been about to say that. Like Jazz had a say in the matter. I scowled.
“Of course,” Nana went on, oblivious to how I’d just almost bitten my own tongue off. “Selfishly I’d love you to stay and raise your children in this house.”
“Children ...”
“One day.” She patted my hand. “Now, what’s got you all riled up? It’s not our little Jessica is it? I always thought the two of you might grow into each other one day. But that’s not why you’re leaving. Is it?”
I swallowed. “Grow into each other ...?”
“Why are you repeating me?”
“I don’t know.” My chest was squeezing so tight it was becoming difficult to draw breath. I rubbed at my solar plexus. This was not a heart attack. But I might be having a mild panic attack based on the symptoms.
Nana was okay with the concept of Jazz and me? And had basically, in the same breath, talked about us living here and raising kids in the house? That’s what she was saying, right? Or was I reading into it because of everything I was feeling.
“I’m going to have a beer.” I pushed my chair back abruptly. “You want a beer?”
“Don’t you have to go somewhere later?”
I exhaled sharply. “Yes. Yes, you’re right. I shouldn’t have a drink right now.” Not to mention I needed to have my wits about me later so I remembered to cut things off with Jazz instead of falling onto her lips like I seemed to want to do every time I saw her. Her mouth was something else. The shit that came out of it, sure. But that full bottom lip and that pouty bow on her top lip. Added to the mischief in her blue eyes and those lips had become my undoing. She was effortlessly sexy, completely clueless of her effect on me. She could wind her hair up off her neck and secure it with one of those colorful wristbands she always wore and I swear it was the most mesmerizing action I’d ever seen. And I’d seen it done a thousand times.
It had stunned me to be back here this summer and suddenly see her as a woman. There was no awkward teenager left in Jazz Fraser. She’d grown into her curves, that was for sure. She’d grown into her looks. She’d grown into me. Just like Nana said. We’d grown into each other.
I gritted my teeth. Had I always known this was inevitable? Her and me? Had I known in some small secret part of me that kept relationships sidelined and intimacy at a distance? It drove the girls I hooked up with crazy. I’d been called “remote,” “checked out,” “emotionally distant.”
This was a disaster. My cell phone rang. Thank God. It was my med school coordinator.
* * *
A bead of sweat trailed from my temple, tickling my skin on its way down to my jaw, and from there into my dress shirt collar. I was a mess of nerves. By unspoken agreement everyone left a place open next to me at Jazz’s surprise birthday dinner. I moved once, sitting next to Colt, and then Keri Ann made a fuss about a table plan. It would have been weird to dig my heels in so I sucked it up and moved, waiting for Jazz to show, my right foot bouncing rapidly beneath the table. Colt narrowed his eyes at me from the other side. We’d been best friends all through school, and he knew something was up. I gave a small shake of my head—let it go—and took a long swig of my icy Landshark.
I deliberately hadn’t gotten a birthday present for her. I felt the omission in my gut. Sure I’d contributed to the group gift and signed my name on the card. And if I hadn’t had the shocking realization I’d had today, I would have blindly gone into one of the little boutiques on the island this afternoon and bought her a thoughtful trinket, unwittingly sealing our relationship status. Shit, that had been close. My stomach churned. The sensation felt remarkably like dread. I knew I was doing the right thing ending it. For both of us. So why did it feel so wrong?
My eyes strayed for the thousandth time to the pathway that led around the building to her apartment—the route she always took to Woody’s restaurant.
“Relax.” Keri Ann laughed next to me. “She’ll be here.”
Oh Christ, I was going to be letting my sister down too. Fuck.
And then I saw her.
She came around the corner, her hair wild like she’d let it air-dry from the beach today.
I knew healthy hearts didn’t skip beats for anything related to emotions, but fuck if it didn’t feel that way.
/> She was beautiful.
She was aflame in the setting sun.
And I was the damned moth.
Jazz’s eyes darted to our table as someone, Cooper maybe, started to sing Happy Birthday. We all joined in.
Her look morphed from distraction to surprise to delight. Her smile was pure joy.
My ribs tightened around my heart.
Her gaze skated across mine, and I etched a smile onto my face.
* * *
“You heading back to see Jazz?” Keri Ann asked me as we pulled up to the house after the party.
“I am, but ...” I tightened my hands around the steering wheel. “You know there isn’t anything serious between us, right?”
Keri Ann sighed. “Define serious.”
“Look, I don’t want to hurt her.”
“And I don’t want you to.”
“We’re just having fun. Anyway, I’ve had an opportunity come up. Another internship position.”
She turned to me sharply. “You’re leaving? What about Nana?”
“That’s just the thing, isn’t it?” I looked at her and shrugged, trying to ignore the look of abandonment my own little sister was giving me. “I’m too close to the case, I can’t work on it. What good is an internship if I’m not working on anything?” Of course there were other cases.
Keri Ann was quiet.
“What?”
“You’re running,” she said.
“No, I’m not.” But it sounded lame, even to my own ears.
“It is going to hurt her.”
“But less than it would by the end of the summer.”
Keri Ann pursed her lips. “You could be right about that,” she said. And even though I knew it, surmised as much even, hearing Jazz’s best friend confirm it, made my chest ache and my hands get clammy. My chest was aching not because I didn’t want to hear it, but aching because I wanted to know what it felt like to be loved by Jazz Fraser with every fiber of my being. And that scared the absolute shit out of me.
* * *