From donating a few hours weekly to nearby hospitals to participating in breast or ovarian cancer walks to raise research funds, millions of us donate our time and skills to myriad organizations and causes.
And here's one with a double whammy of in addition to and. from ... to:
In addition to being the epicenter of bridal up-dos for those getting married on the expansive lawns, the Alex Remo Salon also caters to stressed-out guests with a comprehensive menu of facials, which range from the Moisturizing Hydration Facial, which utilizes protein, essential oils and active serums to relieve dry and sensitive skin; to the Star Facial, a 75-minute microdermabrasion session that reduces the appearance of scars, fine lines and wrinkles.
Yep. Those are all real sentences with a few names changed to protect the innocent. (Didn't believe me when I told you that from ... to constructions are a common problem in feature writing, did you?)
A from ... to construction can set up a very long introductory phrase. The main clause has to wait until the from . . . to observation is complete, which can take a while.
No matter how long, a from blank to bank construction usually works as a modifier. It's not hard to understand why an eight-, ten-, or twenty-word modifier can be cumbersome.
My best advice here is don't rely on this construction too much and be prepared to abandon it if it starts to get unwieldy. If your from or your to contains its own from or to, you're probably making a mess, as we saw previously in to participating in breast or ovarian cancer walks to raise research funds. If it requires semicolons to hold it all together, maybe you should recast the sentence.
Also, remember that there's no comma between the from and the to:
From soup to nuts.
That's easy to see in short from ... to phrases. But longer ones get confusing, inviting errant commas:
From soup made with the finest ingredients from age-old recipes, to chocolate-covered nuts we hand dip, to the moment when you get the check, you'll love our service.
The first two commas shouldn't be there. Remember: from blank to blank to blank is comma free even when your blanks are so long that they make you forget you were using this construction in the first place. Of course, that's probably a sign that your from ... to setup isn't cutting it.
Fatty prose can also happen because a writer is reluctant to make a bold statement:
Hawaiians have adopted a lifestyle that is decidedly more leisurely and tolerant than that of their fellows on the mainland.
This problem crops up a lot in my own writing. But editing others' writing is helping. I'm learning that it's worth the effort to look for bold alternatives:
The Hawaiian lifestyle is leisurely and tolerant.
Open up a copy of the New York Times or the Washington Post and you'll see lots of sentences like the latter example but almost none like the former. That's because top publications hate mealy-mouthed allusions and love solid, information-packed statements. I try to remember that.
Another example of fatty prose, again based on a real sentence by a professional writer:
One of the more remarkable aspects of the park is the fact that it has eight manicured gardens.
Compare that to the alternative:
The park has eight manicured gardens.
These six words do a better job of conveying the information than do the eighteen words in the first sentence. You get extra points if you noticed that, in the first example, the most notable information was crammed into a subordinate clause and used the fact that.
Don't underestimate the Reader. He can decide for himself whether having eight manicured gardens qualifies as remarkable. You're wasting his time by saying it's an aspect of the park. The Reader can connect one idea to the next without the help of in addition to. And he understands that the Hawaiian lifestyle is leisurely and tolerant is a generalization and subject to debate—no disclaimers required.
In other words, fatty insertions that can seem so meaningful when we're writing are often unnecessary at best and insufferable at worst. When in doubt, take them out.
Redundancies can be hard to spot. Vigilance is your best defense. Consider this sentence:
Flu viruses are known to be notoriously unpredictable.
We've seen how manner adverbs can create redundancies. But in this sentence, which I found in a Los Angeles Times article, the adverb isn't the problem.
Notoriously, by definition, means that something is well-known. Therefore, it's redundant with are known. But this adverb is pulling its weight and then some. It tells us in a single word that flu viruses are known for something. But because its definition also carries a negative connotation, notoriously adds extra information. The unpredictability of flu viruses isn't just famous, it's famously bad. That's why I suspect that, with a little more time or coffee, the copyeditor would have chopped out known to be, leaving just
Flu viruses are notoriously unpredictable.
Keep an eye out for these redundancies. Your ability to catch them will improve with practice.
Oh, and about those demons known as run-on sentences and comma splices: don't let the jargon intimidate you. You've already mastered far tougher concepts. Just note, for the record, a run-on sentence fails to properly link its clauses:
Elephants are large they eat foliage.
A comma splice, really just a type of run-on sentence, uses commas to link clauses that should stand on their own as sentences or at least be separated with a semicolon or conjunction:
Elephants are large, they eat foliage.
Both are easy to fix. Either make each clause a separate sentence, find some conjunction that can get the job done, or consider a semicolon:
Elephants are large. They eat foliage.
Elephants are large; they eat foliage.
Elephants are large, and they eat foliage.
Elephants are large because they eat foliage.
To fix flabby writing, watch out for words or little clusters of words that work well in speech but that don't translate well to the written word. Consider first whether you can cut them out altogether. If not, look for ways to streamline: In addition to the fact that tuition is affordable might be replaced with just also. Some fatty insertions can be cut altogether. For his part, as director for the Center for Computer Security, Brady emphasizes training says no less if you chop out for his part.
Also, watch out for sentences too cowardly to come out and say something or whose wording is just too convoluted. Remember that your goal is not fewer words, but economy of words.
In previous chapters, we've seen some simple ways to pare down inefficient sentences. But some sentences have deeper structural problems that are harder to identify and harder to fix. Luckily, you now have enough grammar under your belt to tackle any problem that can muck up a sentence.
Whenever you're faced with a problem sentence, start by looking for its main clause—that is, its main subject and verb:
This intimate and discerning depiction of the impact of migration on families left behind by loved ones who travel north emerges as a nuanced portrait of "the other side" of the immigration story.
This is a description of a movie in a film festival. Movie loglines are tough to write because they're supposed to be kept to just one or two sentences. But this sentence appeared in a brochure—not in a pitch to a Hollywood executive. So the writer had the elbow room to improve it. The question, of course, is how?
Start by isolating the main subject, depiction, and verb, emerges. So, at its heart, our sentence is
This depiction emerges.
That's a complete sentence. But is it a complete thought? Does it tell the Reader what to expect from this movie? Not even close. Clearly, we need some of that other stuff. For example, depiction, on its own, is painfully devoid of any solid information. Also, a depiction is always a depiction of something. That's where the trouble began for the writer. A prepositional phrase—an of phrase—was needed just to make sense of the subject.
Then there's emerges. This is an intransitive verb, so it doesn't need an object. But it sure needs something. Hence the as that follows. This as creates a vehicle to help tell the Reader what, exactly, depiction is doing in this sentence. The depiction is not just emerging— coming out of a hole or coming into the spotlight. It's emerging as something. We can presume that by emerging as, the writer means "reveals itself to be" or "comes to be" or "turns out to be" or "becomes." In other words, emerges as is the writer's substitute for is. Yes, it's more creative than is, but that creativity comes at too high a price. We already have a subject that needs a prepositional phrase to make sense. Now we're using a verb that also needs a prepositional phrase to make sense. (Note: As is often a conjunction. But in our sentence it's a preposition. We know this because subordinating conjunctions like as introduce whole clauses but prepositions take objects—nouns or pronouns, like portrait.)
To mean anything at all, our main clause must be expanded to
This depiction of the impact of migration emerges as a nuanced portrait.
Impact is the object of a preposition in a prepositional phrase. Then impact is followed by its own prepositional phrase, of migration, yet impact is still begging for yet another prepositional phrase. Impacts are usually impacts on someone or something. Hence on families in the writer's original:
of the impact of migration on families
What families? Well, we have a modifier to answer that. It's the participial phrase left behind. But that modifier requires a prepositional phrase, by loved ones. And loved ones, the object of the preposition by, takes as a modifier the relative clause who travel north. Each of the modifying phrases and clauses is underlined here:
This depiction of the impact of migration on families left behind by loved ones who travel north
All that comes before we even get to the verb.
Then, after the verb emerges, which requires its own prepositional phrase, as a portrait, we still need two more prepositional phrases: of "the other side" and of the immigration story.
emerges as a portrait of "the other side" of the immigration story
After all that, the writer squeezed in three adjectives: intimate and discerning before depiction and nuanced before portrait.
Sift through all the clutter in this sentence and you find that the very heart—the very point of our main clause—is
This depiction is a portrait.
That's a whole lotta nuthin'. It's like saying this picture is an image, this person is a man, or this car is a vehicle. A total waste of words that, ironically, happened in a place where economy of words was paramount. The main clause contained no new information. The substantive stuff was all crammed into prepositional phrases and other sentence accessories.
Despite all these problems, the writer did a pretty impressive job of getting the point across. We know what the film is about and we even get a sense of mood. But how could we do better?
Well, our main clause contains both a troublesome noun and a troublesome verb. Let's try replacing them. Whenever you're struggling with a vague or troublesome noun, first consider the simplest alternatives. Ask yourself, what is this thing we're talking about? This depiction referred to a film. Emerges really referred to a state of being. Simplify them and you get
I still don't like our verb. Yes, it's a simpler alternative to emerges as. But is sets up something self-evident, like this film is a film. Is there any more interesting action we could convey with our verb? Yes.
This film depicts.
Now we have a more tangible (if more pedestrian) subject and a more action-oriented verb. If we drop this into the first part of our sentence, we end up with something like this:
This intimate and discerning film depicts the impact of migration on families left behind by loved ones who travel north.
But we have this left over from the original:
a nuanced portrait of "the other side" of the immigration story
What can we do with this leftover information? We could tack it on:
This intimate and discerning film depicts the impact of migration on families left behind by loved ones who travel north—a nuanced portrait of "the other side" of the immigration story.
Not bad. But the crux of our sentence is now This film depicts the impact and is a portrait.
So we're still making the hollow statement this film is a portrait. We could break our sentence into two, thereby giving portrait a real job to do:
This intimate and discerning film depicts the impact of migration on families left behind by loved ones who travel north. It is a nuanced portrait of "the other side" of the immigration story.
Or we could use the coordinator and and another verb like forms to keep everything in a single sentence:
This intimate and discerning film depicts the impact of migration on families left behind by loved ones who travel north and forms a nuanced portrait of "the other side" of the immigration story.
Or better yet we could avoid the redundancy of this film forms a portrait by making portrait our main subject:
This intimate, discerning, and nuanced portrait of "the other side" of the immigration story depicts the impact on families left behind by loved ones who travel north.
Now we can see that we sure did have a lot of adjectives offering commentary on this film. Maybe we can do without one. For example, discerning surely meant something important to the writer. But it doesn't mean much to a Reader. If we're voting one of them off the island, that would be my pick:
This intimate and nuanced portrait of "the other side" of the immigration story depicts the impact on families left behind by loved ones who travel north.
We might even ditch another adjective:
This intimate portrait of "the other side" of the immigration story depicts the impact on families left behind by loved ones who travel north.
I like this much better. It still has stacked modifiers—four prepositional phrases and a relative clause. It still has impact on. But these no longer seem like problems because the noise around them has been silenced.
And this isn't the only alternative. Your grammar skills open up a world of choices:
By looking at the families left behind when loved ones travel north, this intimate and discerning film shows the other side of the immigration story.
Film Name Unknown is an intimate portrait of the families whose loved ones move north to find work.
We've all heard the stories of Mexican nationals who travel north to find work. But what about the families they leave behind? The intimate and nuanced Film Name Unknown tells their stories.
When Jose left Guatemala to find work in the United States, he did it for his family. Little did he know the ripple effect that his absence would create.
Some of these examples wouldn't work. The last two especially don't have the tone of film festival movie descriptions. But these examples help us see the wide range of possibilities that open up once we get to the heart of a sentence and consider what, exactly, we're trying to say.
Let's look at another sentence:
The United States government's plan to rid banks of lethal assets has precious metals investors speculating that the economy and lending groups may be reviving.
Our subject is plan. Our verb is has. The object of our verb is investors followed by the modifier speculating. Remember from chapter 10 that participles can work as modifiers.
Any sentence built on a foundation of has + noun or pronoun + present participle stuffs the action into a participial phrase or clause: The plan has them speculating. To make speculating a real action, you'd have to rejigger the whole sentence:
Since the government announced plans to rid banks of lethal assets, precious metals investors are speculating that the economy and lending groups may be reviving.
The government plans to rid banks of lethal assets. So precious metals investors are speculating that the economy and lending groups may be reviving.
Precious metals investors are s
peculating that the economy and lending groups may be reviving. Why? Because the government plans to rid banks of lethal assets.
In all of these, we made speculating an action instead of a modifier. In the last two examples, we changed the noun plans into the verb plans—extracting another action out of our original sentence.
Here's a longer passage. It's modeled after a real excerpt from an article I edited:
Sky diving. Rock climbing. River rafting. Guess which one is the odd man out in the emerging world of new vacation choices for an aging population that, increasingly, is more active and healthy and less willing to follow their parents'
footsteps when it comes to choosing how to live out their golden years. The answer: They all belong in the mix, according to gerontology experts.
The fourth sentence is extremely problematic. It's too busy, but that's not the worst of it. The whole sentence teeters on the idea that the Reader is supposed to guess which one of the listed items is the odd man out. What's the reward for the Reader who takes up the challenge? He learns that there is no odd man out. They all belong in the mix. It's as if the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street had sung his "One of These Things Is Not Like the Other" song in front of identical plates of cookies.
The very point of the fourth sentence had to go. Here's how the passage looked after I edited it:
Skydiving. Rock climbing. River rafting. They're not exactly hallmarks of senior recreation. But a new generation of seniors is changing that. Healthier and more adventurous than the generations of retirees before them, today's seniors are making some surprising choices about how to spend their golden years.
Here's another problem sentence. It uses a clause in place of a noun phrase and another clause as a modifier:
That you work so hard is the reason that you're getting a raise.
Fix it by looking for ways to get the action unstuck: You work hard. So you're getting a raise.
Here's good exercise. Find the problem in the following sentence:
Working in both the feature film and television worlds, Radoff Entertainment develops material for both the big and small screens.
It was the best of Sentences, it was the worst of sentences. Page 11