by Abby Brooks
When she opened her eyes, she looked down at Giuseppe’s hand as if she were Harry looking down at her own. She reached out, careful to mimic the way Harry threaded his fingers with hers, doing her damnedest to channel him completely. If ever there was a way for a man to touch a woman and communicate true love for the whole world to understand, it was the way Harry touched her.
“Like that,” she said, looking up at Giuseppe who had a strange look on his face. “Like you love me and would do anything to protect me. Like you want me more than anything in the whole world and would never hurt me, not if your whole life depended on it.”
Willow turned to the director who was leaning forward in his chair, nodding appreciatively. “I’d say she’s right,” he said to Giuseppe who also nodded his agreement, no longer looking frustrated or put out. “Do you think you can do it like that?”
“If she shows me a few more times.” Giuseppe turned to Willow. “Where did you learn how to do that?”
Willow glanced at the director who looked just as interested to hear her answer as Giuseppe did. “That’s how my boyfriend touches me,” she said without thinking.
Giuseppe whistled and fanned his face. “Day-um,” he said, shaking his head and pursing his lips. “And you’re still here? If I had someone touching me like that? If that’s the really for real way he touches you, girl, I wouldn’t leave his side for nothing.”
Something stabbed Willow in the heart and shock dropped her jaw. Giuseppe was right. He was a sweaty ass, but he was right. What in the world was she doing here when she had someone like Harry waiting for her down in South Carolina? Why the hell was she in New York? She had true happiness waiting for her and she was busy pursuing her career? Did she really believe that at the end of it all, her resume was going to be what truly mattered to her?
What if, at the end of this season, she called it quits? What if she moved down to Bliss to be with Harry? She smiled for the first time in months. Her heart expanded with the idea. For the first time in a long time, she felt happy looking toward the future.
25
“The chalk has actually been helping,” Willow smiled at Harry’s image on her tablet and waited for his eyes to focus on her.
“Has it?” He smiled weakly and his eyes darted towards something just off camera. “That’s great, babe,” he said although he didn’t really sound all that enthusiastic.
“Yep,” Willow said, really popping the ‘p’ on the end of the word. “And rehearsal was pretty amazing today, too.”
She wanted to tell him how it was all thanks to him. She wanted to tell him how she had described the way he touched her and it had the director nodding his head and looking at her differently. She wanted to tell him that she realized something so life-changingly important today, that loving him was the most important thing as she looked towards her future.
But not now, when he so obviously wasn’t present.
“Was it?” Another glance away from the screen. “Good.” Another weak smile.
“Hey,” she said, ever so gently, just a breath of a word. Worry clenched her stomach into one tight ball of tension. “What’s wrong?”
He let out a long breath and refocused on the tablet, did his best to pull a real smile out of his ass. “Nothing. Nothing at all.”
“You might fool someone else with that bullshit, but you’re not fooling me.”
Harry let out a surprised little laugh, more cough than anything that sounded close to humor. “Just got my mind on something, I guess. It’s not a big deal.”
“Yeah, but that’s why I’m here, right?” She swallowed hard and tried to keep the panic in her stomach from closing her throat against her words. “Tell me what's bothering you and I can help.”
Something was wrong with Harry’s eyes. Like a huge barrier was up in them, closing her off from him. “It’s really no big deal.” He shrugged. “Tell me more about your day.”
Every single cell in Willow’s body was sounding the alarm. Something was very wrong. “Nothing between us,” she said, her words pleading him to open up. Begging him to explain why she suddenly felt so cut off from him. “Remember?”
Irritation flashed in Harry’s eyes. “This isn’t between us.” There was a finality in his voice that sent a series of cracks running across the surface of her heart.
I thought everything was between us. I thought it was you and me against the world and here I come to find out that it’s you and it’s me, standing together, but separately.
“How’s your roommate?” Harry asked, focusing on her for the first time since the call connected.
The fine web of cracks continued to spread across her heart. “Not good.” Now she was the one not able to look at the camera. “The sprain was bad. And it irritated her tendonitis. I’m afraid they won’t renew her contract if she can’t get back to class soon.”
“That sucks.”
No. This sucks, she thought. She waited a few seconds for him to say something else and when he just stayed silent, still fiddling with the something she couldn’t see, she sighed.
“Do you need to go?” she asked when she would so rather ask what was going on again. The question was on the tip of her tongue, might slip out at any second and she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or bad thing. Wasn’t sure if it would finally get him to give her an answer or if it would only make him mad because he had made it pretty clear that he didn’t want to talk about whatever it was that was bothering him.
And there went those cracks in her heart, spreading and widening, the rumbling of an earthquake shattering the pavement, great fissures appearing in what had once looked so permanent.
He closed his eyes and sighed. Held up a hand and wrestled with something for a second before he opened them again. “Are you happy?” he asked.
“What? Yes. God yes,” she said without hesitating.
“Think about it long and hard. Think about the way we’re living. About your job. About the distance. About the way it feels to miss me. Really think about it, Willow.” Harry paused and his mouth tightened into a thin line of tension. “Are you happy?”
Fear mingled with exhaustion from the day and the world zoomed in and out of focus. “You’re not happy, are you?” she asked, certain that’s what this whole conversation was about. He had finally grown tired of trying to make things work long distance.
“Damn it, Willow. Answer my question.”
Tears sprung into her eyes and she promised herself that she would. not. cry. “When I’m with you, I’m happier than I’ve ever been.”
“But right now. Today. Are you happy?”
“Actually, I had a really fucking great day up until this phone call. Now I’m a nervous wreck. Please just tell me what the hell is going on.”
Harry looked so solemn, so defeated, that Willow wanted to hug him and tell him everything was going to be okay. But right now, she wasn’t sure that everything would be okay.
“I’m afraid I’m ruining you,” he said and his words were gruff and harsh and grated across her soul, leaving bruises and rough spots in their wake.
“Ruining me? By loving me and making me happier than I’ve ever been?”
Harry frowned and shook his head. “Let’s forget today. Just wipe it off the map. Since you’ve been back in New York, how many good days have you had?”
Willow thought hard. Thought about the frustrations she had been having in rehearsal. The soul-aching way she missed him every time she climbed into her too-big bed. The huge, Harry shaped hole in her heart that kept her from feeling satisfied at the end of the day. She didn’t want to say any of that, though.
“I had a great time when you came to visit,” she answered.
“And since then?”
She didn’t want to tell him how hard it had been. Didn’t want to tell him that she hadn’t been well and truly happy since she came back home from Bliss because somehow she sensed that was exactly the answer he was waiting for. “Harry…” Her voice cracked with t
he tears that had gathered like a thunderstorm in her head.
“Fine. If you won’t say it, I will. You aren’t happy, Willow. You’re not. You’re up there, living your dream, checking things off your bucket list, and you can’t even enjoy them. And it’s all my fault. You haven’t been okay since you came to Bliss. I showed up in your life and knocked the bottom out of the block tower you’d been building for years and it’s all tumbling down around you.”
“Nothing was tumbling down around me until now. Tonight. This conversation. I was completely satisfied with my thoughts of finishing up this year and coming down to be with you. For good. Like…” She flared her hands, her words pouring from her mouth without thought. “Just today, I realized that I love you more than dancing. That no role will ever hold a candle to getting to be with you. I stood in that rehearsal and coached that dumbass on how to touch me like he loved me, and realized that after I finish this ballet, I’ve done everything on my list. There’s nothing else I want to do except be with you.” And now the tears flowed freely down her cheeks. “And then you sit here with this bullshit about me not being happy. About you ruining my life. You didn’t ruin anything! You made it better!”
Harry sat back, his eyes clenched under the tight line of his eyebrows. He opened and closed his mouth several times, trying to say something only to clamp his lips down against it. He studied her through the camera and it felt like he was really seeing her for the first time that evening.
“I love you, Harrison Moore,” she said. “I really fucking love you.”
“I really fucking love you, too.” There was still a parade of mixed up emotions tangling up his face.
“Well, let me tell you, I know they say that if you love something, to set it free, but if that’s what you’re trying to do here, I will hunt you down and knock some sense into your stupid ass. I don’t want to be free of you.” She shook her head and closed her eyes. “I want to be free of this,” she said, flaring her fingers and looking around her cramped apartment. “So I can be free to be with you.”
“Really?” he asked. “Do you really mean that?”
“With my whole entire heart.”
Something akin to rapture chased away all the worry from Harry’s face. “Good.”
Willow sucked in a deep breath. “You were going to do it, weren’t you? Leave me because you thought I’d be better off without you.”
Harry lowered his eyes. “All that matters is your happiness.”
“I’d punch you if you were here, you know that?” She waited for him to look up so he could see how much she meant what she was about to say. “If you really want to make me happy, then you better prepare yourself to spend a whole lot more time with me. Like years and years and years of time with me.”
“I think I can handle that.” A slow smile stretched the corners of Harry’s lips and he started fiddling with that thing he kept just off screen that she couldn’t see.
“Good. You still coming up this weekend? You know, to be with me while I debut in the most important role of my life?” As excited as she was for the curtain to go up on Romeo and Juliet, she was even more excited to know that he would be in the audience when it happened.
Harry nodded his head and all the chaos that had been in his eyes started to recede. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
26
Willow sat in front of the wall of lighted mirrors and smiled at the woman doing her hair through their reflections. The role of Juliet required an intricate set of braids woven into her bun and meant that she had to spend a little more time in hair and makeup than she was used to. Warm up class had gone well, despite the nerves and excitement jangling in her system. Not only was she about to debut as Juliet, the role she had dreamed about for her whole life, but Harry’s flight had landed an hour ago and he had sent her a string of happy texts while she was taking a warm up class onstage.
Just knowing that he was in the same city as her did amazing things to her mood. Knowing that he was at her apartment, moving around in her space, getting ready to come to see her tonight was exhilarating. Ever since that awful conversation a couple days ago—the awful conversation that might have actually ended up being wonderful, she still wasn’t sure—she had been desperate to see him.
She needed to touch him and make sure that he had really heard her that night. Needed to look into his eyes and see that he understood that leaving her wouldn’t make her happy. That she would shatter into a million pieces without him. That her heart would forever live with him and as long as they were together, she would be okay, but that if he left her, it would destroy her.
Part of her still worried that Harry had gotten it in his head that she would be better off without him. Being the kind of guy he was, the kind of man who would put her needs above his own day in and day out, she knew that if he had decided she would be happier without him in her life, then he would leave. She couldn’t wait to get her hands on him, look him in the eyes, and show him how better off she was with him.
She was, in fact, prepared to retire from the ballet world, if he would have her. She had accomplished what she wanted to accomplish here and couldn’t think of a better way to go out than on the high of finally getting to perform Juliet. Tonight, after the ballet, after she had looked into his eyes and made sure he knew that she was for him and he was for her and there was no other way for this story to end—once she had made sure he realized that their story wasn’t a tragedy—then she would tell him that she wanted to finish this season and retire. To move to Bliss to be with him, if he would have her.
She smiled at her reflection in the mirror. Couldn’t help it. This is what Harry did to her. Kept a smile on her face at all time, for no good reason other than the fact that he was in her life.
The hairdresser caught her eyes through the glass. “Excited?”
“Very.” She didn’t go on to explain all the ins and outs of why she was excited. Didn’t tell her that she was more worked up about her evening with Harry than she was about the ballet. That was her own private happiness and she didn’t feel like sharing.
“You’re going to be great. Everyone says you’re built for this role.”
Willow thanked her and closed her eyes. Spent the rest of the time doing her best to put Harry out of her mind while she visualized her performance. She slipped in a pair of earbuds and listened to the music she already had memorized thanks to a lifetime of listening and months of rehearsal—Prokofiev’s Romeo and Juliet. She imagined herself doing the choreography as perfectly as anyone she had ever seen. Imagined Juliet’s feelings into existence and claimed them as her own. Despite her best efforts, her thoughts kept returning to that first night she spent at Harry’s, the night they had listened to this same music together.
She took the feelings the memories of that night created in her and wove them into her visualization of tonight’s performance. Created a great tapestry that was both Juliet Capulet and Willow Tamran. Tonight, she wouldn’t be Willow dancing Juliet, falling in love with Romeo. She would be Willow, telling the story of falling in love with Harry through Shakespeare’s timeless story.
The hairdresser tapped her on the shoulder and Willow opened her eyes. Took out her earbuds and twisted in her seat a little to make eye contact. “You’re all done.”
Willow took a look in the mirror and couldn’t help but smile. “It looks great! Thank you.”
“Look at you,” said the woman behind her. “Even without makeup on, you’re just glowing.”
Willow considered telling her that was probably still the sweat on her face from warm up class, but one look in the mirror showed her there was a level of happiness etched into the contours of her skin that couldn’t have come from the good class alone.
“I met the man of my dreams,” she said, realizing in one instant that she was talking to a stranger about the part of her she held most dear and then, in the very next instant, realizing that she didn’t care who she told. That she actually wanted people to
know. Needed people to know. “He’ll be here tonight and I’ll be dancing with him the whole evening. It’ll be Giuseppe doing all the heavy lifting, but my heart will be dancing with Harry.”
The woman wrapped Juliet up in a hug and then let go, looking sheepish. “I’m sorry, I don’t normally hug strangers.” A blush ran across her face. “But it looked like you needed that.”
Willow smiled and popped her ear buds back in. Walked down the hall to her dressing room to start on her makeup. She couldn’t decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing that she couldn’t get her mind off Harry. On one hand, he had so many emotions swirling around inside her that if she could manage to channel them on stage, well, it could be one hell of a powerful experience. But on the other, if she couldn’t get her head in the game because she was busy thinking about Harry, she might miss a step or lose the choreography or some other terrible thing.
Besides, the fear that Harry was going to leave her tonight kept trying to raise its ugly head. Well, if he was going to do it, it wouldn’t be tonight. He would probably wait until after the last show closed on Sunday. She knew without a doubt that if he was leaving, it was because he believed it was best for her and not for him. And she also knew without a doubt that he knew she would be crushed if he left her. So, if he was going to do it, it would be on Sunday night, after the show, before he went home to Bliss so it wouldn’t affect her dancing.
Just thinking about the fact that there was a possibility he might still be considering leaving her made her stomach lurch crazily around inside her. She needed to stop worrying about it all. She had enough going on tonight without worrying about all that. She would be better off stepping onstage naked than she would be stepping onstage with those poisonous thoughts in her head.
She needed to put any and all thoughts of Harry to rest until after the show. Right now, she had a job to do. She pulled open the door to her dressing room and froze when she saw bouquets of flowers covering just about every possible surface.