The Unfortunate Miss Fortunes

by Jennifer Crusie

  And the libido spell had worn off hours before they’d gotten to silk bondage. She looked down at him fondly. They were going to have a really good time in Toledo.

  They’d lost his heavy silver earring somewhere in the bed – she needed to find it when she recovered her energy. An overenthusiastic bite on his ear and she’d almost swallowed it. He’d laughed, tried to put it in her ear, and then they’d gotten distracted once more and forgotten all about it.

  She could hear her sisters moving around in the living room. Dee would probably think twice about marching in here unannounced – in his current state of happy exhaustion she doubted Elric would have the energy to shield his presence, and she really didn’t like the idea of her sisters seeing Elric at his finest. He was hers, and for the first time in her life she wasn’t going to share.

  She untied her wrist and slid off the bed, kneeling down on the floor beside him. He opened his eyes.

  ‘Not asleep,’ he murmured. ‘Dead.’

  She bent to kiss him, but a pounding on the door made her jerk back, Elric catching her in his arms.

  ‘Lizzie,’ Mare screamed, and pounded again. ‘Lizzie, please, PLEASE!’ And Lizzie grabbed the purple sheet from underneath the bed where it had landed hours earlier, wrapped it around her body, toga-style, and stumbled to the door to face her sister.

  Mare heard Jude behind her, but she ignored him to beat on Lizzie’s door with her fist. ‘Lizzie, I need you RIGHT NOW, Please, please, PLEASE-’

  Lizzie opened the door wrapped in a purple sheet looking flushed and rumpled and annoyed.

  Mare stuck the Crash frog out at her. ‘Turn him back. Please, please turn him back. I love him. Please, please, God, Lizzie, you have to.’

  ‘I have no idea what she’s talking about,’ Jude said from behind her.

  Lizzie looked closer at the frog. ‘Put him on the floor,’ she said, no longer angry.

  Mare swallowed and put Crash on the floor. ‘Oh, God, Lizzie.’

  ‘Step back,’ Lizzie said.

  Mare stepped back, hating to leave him so exposed.

  Lizzie looked down and took a deep breath and raised her encircled arms.

  ‘That’s vermin,’ Jude said, and raised his foot just as Lizzie struck.

  There was a flash of purple light, a lot more purple smoke than Mare had ever seen before, and then Crash was back, tall and broad and choking and waving his hands through the violet smog.

  ‘What the fuck happened to me?’ he said.

  Mare threw her arms around him and kissed him and then kissed him again. ‘I love you, I really love you, and I will marry you and go to Tuscany because those five minutes you were a frog were the worst five minutes of my life.’

  ‘They weren’t great for me, either,’ Crash said, holding her close, still sounding annoyed but not as much as before. ‘Hello, Lizzie.’

  ‘Hello, Crash,’ Lizzie said, but she was looking at the floor.

  Mare looked back at her, clutching Crash. ‘What? What’s wrong? He’s okay, isn’t he? There wasn’t any damage?’ She began patting him all over. ‘He’s okay, he feels okay, tell me he’s okay. Baby, are you okay?’

  ‘Okay?’ Crash said, still holding on to her. ‘I was a fucking frog. Are you going tell me how that happened?’

  ‘I think Jude…’ Mare’s voice trailed off as she looked around. ‘The little weasel ran for it.’

  ‘Not a weasel.’ Lizzie nodded to the floor.

  A frog sat there, looking stunned.

  ‘Jude?’ Mare said.

  Lizzie shrugged. ‘He was there and then he wasn’t. I’m guessing that’s Jude.’

  ‘You turned him into a frog?’ Mare thought for a second. ‘Yeah, that’s fair.’

  ‘No,’ Lizzie said. ‘That was a restoration spell. He got into the line of fire when he tried to step on Crash. You know, he was the guy who tried to take my amethyst, and when I hit him the last time and he turned into a frog, I thought it was strange. I mean, why not a bunny? Or a ferret? Generally I don’t do frogs, but-’

  ‘What?’ Crash said, looking around. ‘Somebody tried to step on me?’

  Mare looked at the frog again. ‘Restoration? He started out as a frog? Then how did he get to be a vice president at Value Video!!? Although that’s not as farfetched as you’d think.’

  ‘Xan,’ Lizzie said. ‘She sent us all our soul mates.’

  ‘And she thought mine was a frog?’ Mare raged.

  ‘Maybe she misunderstood,’ Lizzie said. ‘She did find him in Italy. Maybe Crash moved too fast, and she scooped up Jude instead, and then tried to make him… more attractive.’ She shrugged. ‘She chose a hot movie star. She tried.’

  ‘She thought my true love was a frog? If I ever get my hands on that bitch-’ Mare stopped, as the rest of what Lizzie was saying hit. ‘Wait. She cast the spell and scooped up Jude because Crash moved too fast.’ She shook her head. ‘I’ve been stupid. That means she brought Crash, too. She caught him with the spell, too.’

  ‘Probably,’ Lizzie said. ‘She just didn’t realize it because only the edge of the spell caught him.’ She smiled at Crash. ‘It’s nice seeing you again, Christopher. I’ve always liked you best of all of Mare’s… friends.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Crash said, confused. ‘I’ve always liked you best of all of Mare’s sisters. What’s going on?’

  Mare let go of him.

  ‘What?’ Crash said, holding on to her. ‘Don’t look like that.’

  Mare smiled at him, miserable. ‘Remember in the diner when you couldn’t tell me why you’d come back. It was because of Xan.’

  ‘No,’ Crash said. ‘I told you, I never met your aunt.’

  ‘I know,’ Mare said. ‘She never even knew she got you. That’s why she made Jude. But that’s why you came here, just the same. You’re not a minion. You just got caught in a spell.’

  ‘No,’ Crash looked confused, holding on to her. ‘I couldn’t stop thinking about you-’

  ‘Nobody thinks about a woman for five years without doing something about it,’ Mare said, trying to pry his fingers off her. ‘You’re back because I love you, because you’re my True Love, not because I’m yours.’

  ‘I never forgot you,’ Crash said. ‘I didn’t think about you every day, but I didn’t-’

  ‘No.’ Mare swallowed tears, determined not to cry. ‘And the second soul mate she found for me was a toad.’

  ‘Frog,’ Lizzie said.

  ‘You didn’t know him,’ Mare snapped at her, grateful for the anger.

  ‘This is crap,’ Crash said. ‘Could we go back to the part where somebody turned me into a frog?’

  ‘He’s got a point,’ Mare told Lizzie. ‘You better check Elric. For all you know, he’s a llama.’

  Lizzie blinked, taken aback.

  ‘Elric!’ Mare yelled.

  After a moment, Elric appeared behind Lizzie, looking unamused. ‘You bellowed?’

  ‘Do it,’ Mare snapped to Lizzie, and Lizzie turned, encircled her arms, and hit Elric with the restoration spell.

  The air went purple again, there were some interesting violet sparks, and then the fog cleared and Elric was standing there, the same as before.

  ‘Funny,’ he said.

  ‘Sorry,’ Mare said. ‘I made her do it. Jude turned out to be amphibian.’ She looked at him down on the floor. ‘I’d like to feed him to Py, but it’s not his fault he’s a toad.’

  ‘Frog.’ Lizzie picked Jude up. ‘I’ve got the old bunny cage in here. I’ll keep him in that.’

  Jude croaked, and Mare said, ‘You shut up,’ and turned back to Crash. ‘The spell will wear off soon, and you’ll be okay again, so you should probably go now.’

  ‘Oh, dear,’ Lizzie said, ‘don’t do anything dumb, Mare,’ and went back into her workroom, taking Jude and Elric with her and sending Mare a look of heartfelt sympathy.

  Then the door closed and they were alone.

  ‘You’re coming with me,’ Crash said, determination chasi
ng confusion from his face. ‘You said-’

  ‘Baby, you don’t want me.’ Mare tried to sound matter-of-fact, as she pulled out of his grasp and levitated him into the hall, ignoring his ‘Hey!’

  ‘You think you do, but you’re under a spell. If it doesn’t wear off on its own, I’ll go find Xan tomorrow and make her take it off, and you’ll be fine again.’

  ‘I’m fine now,’ Crash said, trying to resist as Mare floated him away from her and toward the door. ‘Or I will be if nobody else turns me into a toad and you come back to Italy with me. Why are we moving? Stop it.’

  ‘Frog,’ Mare said, steering him through the dining room. ‘You were a frog. And I can’t come with you. You were gotten here under false pretenses.’ She swallowed hard, knowing she only had minutes before she was going to burst into tears, the pressure increasing behind her eyes even as she blinked at him. ‘It was a true love spell, just like Jude said. Hell, just like you said, it was true love and that doesn’t happen every day, unless your girlfriend has a crazy-ass witch of an aunt who casts a spell because she’s trying to take her power. You should leave town now.’

  Crash tried to stop the push toward the door by grabbing onto the woodwork around the dining room arch. He missed it by inches. ‘Wait a minute, damn it, what difference does it make how she found me?’

  ‘I knew I loved you,’ Mare said, guiding him toward the front door. ‘I never stopped loving you. But you left and didn’t come back for five years. If you’d loved me, you’d have been back. When the spell wears off, you won’t love me anymore again.’

  He shook his head, grabbing at the doorframe as they reached the front door. ‘That’s crazy. I love you.’

  ‘Then why didn’t you come back for five years?’ Mare said.

  ‘I don’t know. I just didn’t.’

  ‘Bad answer,’ Mare said, and opened the front door. ‘No,’ Crash said, holding on to the doorframe. ‘Mare, I won’t-’

  ‘You have to.’ Mare pried his fingers off the woodwork with her mind. ‘Go. It’ll be okay, you won’t care at all tomorrow. And I don’t want to be with you when you don’t care.’ She waved good-bye, sadly, staying out of his reach. ‘Have a great life.’

  ‘Mare,’ he said, and she shoved him out onto the steps with magic, folding her arms across her breaking heart, and closed the door in his face.

  ‘And I even learned to make toast,’ she said and burst into tears.

  Lizzie shoved Jude in the bunny cage, put the cover over it, and then let her sheet drop, which improved Elric’s mood considerably. Then she kissed him, which improved it even more. ‘I need to talk to my sisters,’ she said. ‘You can sleep some more.’

  He sat up, leaning against the wall. ‘Let me clean up, and then I’ll face them, too.’

  ‘The shower is upstairs.’

  ‘You forget – I don’t need traditional plumbing,’ he said. And vanished, leaving Lizzie kneeling on the floor, alone. Apparently he wasn’t quite as exhausted as she’d thought.

  She got Jude some water, tied the sheet tighter around her body, toga-style, and then headed out into the living room.

  Dee was sitting at the table, a big splotch of bright blue paint on her cheek, a cup of tea in her hands, and a bemused, besotted expression on her face that Lizzie knew would be a perfect match to her own.

  ‘You have paint on your face,’ Lizzie said. ‘It looks good there.’

  Dee blushed. ‘I was painting Danny’s portrait.’

  Lizzie raised her eyebrows. ‘And where is Danny now?’

  ‘Gone,’ Dee said happily. ‘He needed to be taught a lesson. But he’ll be back.’ She glanced at her watch. ‘I’d say three hours at the most. He loves me.’

  ‘I take it you didn’t turn into Danny’s mother?’ Lizzie asked, closing the door behind her just in case Elric reappeared in the same condition as when he’d vanished.

  Dee’s smile was both shy and extremely pleased with herself. ‘Uh… yes. Er… no. No mothers. No nothing. Just…’ She let out a happy sigh. ‘Just lovely’

  Lizzie looked at her for a moment, astonished. ‘Finally having sex really does change everything, doesn’t it?’ she said. ‘You look like a different woman.’

  Mare came in from the kitchen. ‘You’re looking pretty lovestruck yourself

  Mare was looking miserable. ‘What happened?’ Lizzie almost took her younger sister into her arms, then thought better of it. For one thing, Mare wasn’t into the huggy thing, for another, Lizzie really needed a shower. She was going to have to get Elric to teach her that trick about cosmic bathing.

  ‘I made Crash go,’ Mare said, sticking her chin up. ‘He was gotten here under false pretenses. Unlike the frog.’

  ‘Frog?’ Dee asked. ‘What frog?’

  ‘No,’ Lizzie said, very sure of herself. ‘Crash is your soul mate.’

  ‘Lizzie’s right, honey,’ Dee said, patting Mare. ‘He came all the way from Italy for you. What frog?’

  Mare sighed. ‘Jude stopped by this morning and turned Crash into a frog, only it turned out that Jude was really a frog, so Lizzie has him in her room in a bunny cage.’

  ‘Uh-huh.’ Dee gave up on Mare and turned to Lizzie. ‘So where’s Elric? Don’t you think I ought to meet him?’

  ‘He’s cleaning up.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘I haven’t the faintest idea. In Spain, for all I know. He’ll be back momentarily. In the meantime I need to take a shower.’

  ‘I can make toast,’ Mare said in a lousy attempt at cheering up. ‘You want me to make toast for you?’

  Lizzie looked at her miserable younger sister. Mare was no longer the Queen of the Universe – she looked lost, broken. ‘Toast would be lovely,’ she said in a gentle voice. ‘I’m starving.’

  By the time she got back downstairs again, fully dressed, there were three squares of burned toast on a plate, and a distinct odor of charred bread coming from the kitchen.

  ‘Mare got distracted,’ Dee said. ‘Maybe we should take her to the Greasy Fork…’

  ‘I don’t think we should leave the house.’ Lizzie sat down and reached for the toast. ‘Xan can’t get in here for a very long time, according to Elric’ She looked down at her feet. They were bare – for the first time since she could remember there were no extraneous shoes on her feet.

  Naked feet, with the glowing purple butterfly tattoo to set them off. How appropriate.

  ‘Don’t eat that,’ Mare said. ‘It’ll kill you. I’m working on a second batch. It’ll be good. I dialed the toaster back to two again.’

  Dee pushed the toast away. ‘We still haven’t decided what we’re going to do about Xan. We can’t hide out forever. And I’m hungry, too. What do we have besides… toast?’

  Mare said, ‘There’s nothing in the kitchen. Nobody made muffins this morning. Maybe I’ll go make muffins-’ She started to get up.

  ‘Elric!’ Lizzie called. She knew the moment he’d reappeared in her tiny, wonderful bedroom. The door opened, and she sucked in her breath. He was wearing dove gray this time, and yet the colors shimmered around him.

  ‘Damn,’ Dee said. ‘He’s gorgeous.’

  ‘Mine,’ Lizzie said. ‘This is my older sister, Dee. Deirdre Dolores O’Brien.’

  Elric crossed the room with his usual elegance, taking Dee’s hand in his. ‘Darling Dee-Dee Fortune,’ he murmured. ‘It’s an honor.’

  And Dee was so dazzled she didn’t rise to the bait. ‘Call me Dee.’

  ‘And you’ve met my sister Mare.’

  He nodded in Mare’s direction.

  ‘Hey, Elric,’ Mare said, still depressed. ‘I’m going to make muffins.’

  ‘Please don’t,’ Elric said.

  And this is Elric,’ Lizzie said to Dee.

  ‘Elric who?’ Dee said, smiling at him, her older sister instincts clearly shot to hell by one night with Danny James. ‘Let’s see, what am I supposed to be asking here? Are your intentions honorable? Who are your people?’
<
br />   Lizzie blinked, glancing at him. Had she just spent the last twenty-four hours doing really wicked things with a man and she didn’t know his last name? ‘Elric the Magnificent?’ she suggested.

  Elric laughed, and shards of color split the room. Lizzie glanced at her sisters, but apparently they were immune to it. Only she could see the scattered rainbows.

  ‘Then you’d end up being Mrs The Magnificent,’ he said, ‘and I don’t think that suits you.’

  ‘You’re marrying a man you just met?’ Dee asked, sounding far less protective than usual. ‘What am I talking about? So am I. When he comes back, anyway.’

  ‘Of course. We’re soul mates,’ Elric said, moving up behind Lizzie and putting his hands on the back of her chair.

  Lizzie looked up at him. She wanted to grab him and drag him back into the bedroom. She wanted to send her sisters away and haul him onto the dining room table, and she could see by the deep purple in his eyes that he was thinking exactly the same thing. And the libido spell had worn off at dawn.

  She gave herself a mental shake. ‘I’m starving. We’re all starving. Any chance you could go out and get us a pizza?’

  His luscious mouth curved in a faint smile. ‘I think that would be within my capabilities.’ He glanced at the pile of burned toast, and she belatedly realized he could simply transmute. But he could read her far too well. ‘How long do we want me to be gone?’

  ‘Just long enough for me to talk with my sisters. Half an hour? There’s a pizza place in town – if you walked slowly it would be perfect.’

  ‘You don’t want pizza from New York? Or Venice? It’s much better, I can promise you.’

  ‘Salem’s Fork pizza will be perfect.’ I don’t want to be too far away from you, she thought. Knowing he could read it. ‘Oh, and set the frog free while you’re out, please.’

  ‘Half an hour.’ He released the chair and headed toward the door.

  It closed after him, and Lizzie felt suddenly bereft.

  ‘How does he know what kind of pizza we want?’ Dee asked.