by Ian Sansom
'What is it, a colouring book?' asked Mr Devine.
'Look, here, on the spine,' said Brownie, pointing to the purple sticker.
'The purple sticker,' said Israel.
'Tumdrum and District Library,' said Brownie.
'Where d'you get it from?' said Israel.
'From Rathkeltair Central Library,' said Brownie.
'Even though it's got the Tumdrum mark on it?'
'Yep.'
'Aha!' said Israel, who couldn't believe his luck.
'Aha?' said George.
'Yes, "Aha!"' repeated Israel breathlessly. 'Aha! Aha! Aha! And I'll tell you what,' he said, brandishing the book. 'If this isn't prima…'
'Facie?'
'Exactly!…evidence, I don't know what it is. Oh yes! Mystery solved! We're done! I am out of here, people. Can I use your phone?'
The Devines looked at each other in sympathy and confusion as Israel left the table and took off again in the mobile library to see Linda Wei at the Department of Entertainment, Leisure and Community Services.
Linda was at her desk, with her back to Israel when he entered. She swivelled around on her plush imitation-leather seat, a vast red paper serviette in one hand, and an enormous scone in the other, her mouth full to bursting.
'Linda,' said Israel, with all the confidence of someone about to reveal a major conspiracy at the heart of government, albeit only local government, and albeit only the Department of Entertainment, Leisure and Community Services within the heart of local government, and even then only the Information Resources Steering Committee within that, but still.
'Mmm.' Linda chewed and swallowed rapidly, waving to Israel to sit down, which he did, while she wrapped the serviette carefully around what remained of the scone and took a swig of coffee from a vast mug which proclaimed her, in big balloon letters, WORLD'S NO. 1 MUM.
'Israel!' she said, coughing, crumbs catching in her throat. 'Cinnamon scone?'
'Right.'
'Would you like some?'
'No, thanks.'
'Missed lunch, you see.'
'Right.'
'It's from the canteen.'
'I see.'
'They have a scone of the day–every day.'
'Good.'
'Thursdays it's usually cinnamon.'
'Right.'
'So what can I do you for today?'
'Well, I wanted to ask you a few questions.'
'Oh. Really?' Linda tapped her greasy fingers on her desk.
'Yes,' said Israel seriously. 'It's about the library books.'
'Right. Sshh. Close the door, would you?'
Israel got up and closed the door.
'Walls have ears,' said Linda, flapping her ears in demonstration. 'So, how's the hunt going then?'
'Well,' began Israel.
'Uurgh,' belched Linda, patting her more than pattable chest. 'Sorry. Indigestion–it's the scones. Very fresh. Sorry. The book hunt?'
'Linda, where would you hide library books, if you had to hide them?'
'Oh, is this an interrogation?' giggled Linda.
'No, Linda, I'm just asking a question.' He'd decided to take the Socratic route.
'It's like Castlereagh,' said Linda. 'Er. I don't know. If I wanted to hide library books?'
'Yes.'
'Good question. In boxes?'
'Possibly.'
'Wrong answer?' said Linda.
'It's not the answer I'm looking for.'
'OK. Oh, I do like this. It's like Twenty Questions. Erm. Where would I hide library books if I wanted to hide them? In a shed?'
'No.'
'Some sort of underground bunker or something?'
'No.'
'Oh, I don't know, Israel. You'll have to tell me.'
'No. You were supposed to be telling me.'
'Oh, was I? Er…'
'Oh, never mind,' said Israel. The Socratic route might take a while. 'How about in a library?'
'In a library?'
'Yes.'
'Oh, yes,' said Linda, 'that's very good. Because…'
'No one would think of looking there.'
'Right. Oh yes. That's very good. That's brilliant. That'd be the perfect hiding place for some missing library books.'
'Exactly.'
'So?'
'So. Linda.' Israel paused here for dramatic effect. 'I have found the missing library books.'
'Oh good,' said Linda, without really registering the necessary shock and surprise, in Israel's opinion, but never mind. 'Where?'
'In Rathkeltair Central Library.'
Linda shifted in her seat–rather suspiciously, thought Israel, although it may have been because she had wind.
'Have you, really?' Linda looked rather nervous.
'Look.' With a flourish Israel produced from his bag Wittgenstein's Remarks on Colour.
'It's a book.'
'Yep.'
'This is it?'
'Look.' Israel indicated the purple sticker. 'See. It's from Tumdrum. But it's issued out of Rathkeltair.'
'So?'
'So, the old Tumdrum books are in Rathkeltair.'
It was because she had wind. Linda waved her hand to waft away the smell.
'OK,' said Linda. 'Sorry. Excuse me. Just run that by me again.'
'This book proves that the missing Tumdrum Library books are now in Rathkeltair Central Library.'
'But this is only one book,' said Linda, readjusting herself on her chair.
'Yes.'
'I thought you meant you'd found them all?'
'Not yet, no.'
'Have you found any others in fact?'
'Not so far, no, but, I have deduced—'
'All right, Sherlock Holmes. Have you actually been to Rathkeltair Library?'
'Not as such at the moment, no, but—'
'Right,' said Linda, pushing back in her mock-leather seat. 'Well, Mr Armstrong. An entire stock of books in another library might be a discovery, but one book in another library is what we in the business call an inter-library loan.'
'Ah, but it's not.'
'Not an inter-library loan?'
'No. I've already spoken to the librarian at Rathkeltair on the phone: he says it's an acquisition.'
'Ah.' Linda looked a little sweaty now, Israel thought. But then she always looked a little sweaty. 'Well, yes, I suppose that does complicate matters a little.'
'Someone,' said Israel, with a hint of accusation in his voice, 'is distributing the Tumdrum Library books to other libraries.'
So, this was it. This was his big moment, his J'accuse. This was where Israel revealed the solution to the crime, wrapped things up, and collected his plane ticket out of here. This was where he could do his Hercule Poirot bit. He tried to look Hercule Poirotish.
'Are you all right, Israel?' said Linda.
'Yes, thanks.'
'It's just, you're…It looks as though you're sort of pouting a bit there.'
'Sorry.' It wasn't a pout: it was supposed to be Israel looking pensive. 'Anyway, Linda, I believe I have solved the mystery of the missing library books. I believe, Linda,' he said, prodding his glasses and puffing out his chest slightly in his Eminem T-shirt, 'that it is the council themselves who have stolen the books. I believe,' he said, warming to his theme, standing tall in his too-tight combats and his old brown brogues, 'that the council closed Tumdrum Library and had no intention of ever reopening it. And'–he even raised a finger–'that it is the council who have stolen or hidden the missing library books, which they are now selling or redistributing to other libraries, including Rathkeltair.'
'Israel,' said Linda, with more pity than anger, 'who have you been talking to?'
'I have conducted a number of enquiries.'
'People down at the market?'
'Well. Yes. How did you—'
'Ach, Israel, they're a bunch of hoods down there. Everybody knows that.'
'Yes, but—'
'Was it Trevor?'
'Er.'
'Ach, honestly, Israel. H
e'd have the cross off a donkey.'
'What?'
'He's always complaining about something. So this is all your evidence?'
'Well. At the moment.'
'Israel…'
'What?'
'Last week you thought it was Ted who'd stolen the library books?'
'Yes. I did. But I was wrong about that. I was just affirming the consequent.'
'You were what?'
'It doesn't matter, it's a technical term.'
'Aye, well, right,' said Linda huffily, 'whatever it is, you can go and affirm your consequent elsewhere. Because frankly your suggestion that we at the Department of Entertainment, Leisure and Community Services are in any way complicit with the theft of the library books is preposterous, ludicrous and, I might add, quite offensive to me personally, as someone who has worked hard to ensure that the mobile library operates successfully, not to mention who has worked hard to have you appointed and remain here as librarian.'
'But—'
'One rogue library book turning up does not solve the mystery of fifteen thousand missing library books, Mr Armstrong.'
'Well…'
'Does it?'
'No. Maybe not, but—'
'So may I perhaps suggest that if you spent more time looking for the books and less time listening to malicious gossip generated by people with nothing better to do than putting pure bad in other people's heads, you might be getting somewhere.'
Linda got up from her seat, gathered up some papers, and made to leave the office.
'But, Linda…' Israel had rather lost the advantage now. He had a headache coming on.
'But nothing, Mr Armstrong. I would be grateful if you wouldn't waste my time in future with your mad conspiracy theories. Now, I trust I shall be seeing you later this evening?'
'Sorry?'
'I had rather thought that's why you'd come here and interrupted me this afternoon–to discuss the reception for the launch of the new mobile library service?'
'The what?'
'You hadn't forgotten?'
'Erm.'
'All the details were in your welcome pack and guide.'
'Ah, right. I'm afraid…actually I lost all that stuff, I'm afraid. I…It was on the Rayburn at the farm, you see, and I…'
Linda was clearly losing interest in Israel's explanation.
'And all my money,' he continued, 'and all my cards and…'
Oh, God. Now he thought about it he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. He was going to be condemned to living here for all eternity.
'Your personal misfortunes are no concern of mine, I'm afraid, Mr Armstrong. I do expect you however to attend tonight's reception. It's very important. The lady mayoress is going to be there.'
'But we can't launch the new mobile library service when we haven't got any books!'
'Well, whose fault is it we haven't got any books?'
'Yours?' said Israel.
'Yours,' said Linda, holding up a little fat finger. 'But we shall have to agree to disagree on that particular issue. In the meantime we can't alter the date of the launch. So if you could perhaps get yourself smartened up–I don't want you letting us down. And not a word to anyone, please, about the missing books? And certainly not a word about your pathetic theories? I don't want you embarrassing yourself and us.'
Israel remained silent.
'Mr Armstrong?'
'All right. All right, all right, yes.'
'Good. You'll be expected to say a few words of course.'
'What?'
'Just the usual: what a pleasure and privilege it is, blah, blah, blah. The mobile library is a fantastic community resource, blah, blah, blah. I don't know, whatever it is librarians say. "I love books," you know, something like that.'
'But we haven't got any books.'
'Yes, well, but no one needs to know that, do they?'
'I can't lie.'
'I'm not asking you to lie, Mr Armstrong.'
'Are you not?'
'Ach, no, silly. Just do what other people do at these things.'
'What's that?'
'Pretend.'
13
The grand civic reception to mark the opening of the new mobile library service was held at the Tumdrum and District Community Halls, which were thronged with flush-faced middle-aged men in suits and made-up women in heels. The peanuts, and the sausage rolls, and the Thai chicken-satay sticks, the Shloer and the warm white wine were flowing thick and fast. If not exactly bacchanalian, the atmosphere in the halls that night was at the very least convivial.
'Most convivial,' Israel was saying to everyone he met, unable to think of anything else to say to the endless parade of men in dark suits and the women in heels, whose names he didn't catch and couldn't remember.
'Most convivial. Lovely. Wonderful. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Thank you. Lovely to meet you too.'
Once everyone had loaded up their paper plates and finished off a glass or two of the warm white wine there were a few kind words about the new mobile library service from the Tumdrum and District mayoress, the magnificently one-eyed Councillor Maureen Minty, who stood up at the front of the hall, beneath a portrait of the Queen, on a makeshift podium constructed from three thick gym mats.
Mayoress Minty spoke eloquently, from notes, with her black velvet eyepatch set at a jaunty angle, about her own personal love of reading, and about Shakespeare, 'The Bard', as she called him, and about Catherine Cookson, her own personal favourite, and about the importance of the library service in general and about large-print and audio books in particular, and she ended by reading a poem she had composed specially for the occasion, unmemorable except for the ingenious and uniquely Northern Irish rhyme, to Israel's ears, of 'librarian' with 'non-sectarian'.
And then there was the handing over of the mobile library keys to Israel.
He was hauled up to the front and introduced to the many gathered guests and dignitaries as the new Outreach Support Officer. There was a rousing round of applause and he stared out at the sea of round and wine-lipped faces.
He could have said anything. He could have told the people of Tumdrum exactly what he thought of them–not much. He could have revealed the scandal of the missing library books; he could have revealed his hunches and explained his theories. He could have spoken passionately about the cause of vegetarianism or pleaded for peace and reconciliation among the people of the island of Ireland and in the Middle East. He could have delivered an oration worthy of the end of a Hollywood movie, something stirring and profound that would have been right up there with the likes of Al Pacino and Ralph Waldo Emerson, but instead, under the fierce monitoring gaze of Mayoress Minty and the Queen on the wall and Linda Wei at the back of the hall he just mumbled a few words of thanks–words consisting mostly of 'Most congenial', 'Lovely', 'Wonderful', 'Pleasure and a privilege'–and shuffled off the gym mats.
He wanted to go home. Instead he found himself instantly plucked and pushed and ushered and introduced to yet more women in heels and more men in suits, including the local MP, a tall and sweaty fat man, a Mr Peter Easton, a man who looked and sounded as though he had devoted a lifetime to sucking on lemons and riding uncomfortable hobby-horses. Israel gulped down some wine and some Nurofen to steady his nerves.
'Ah, yes. I've always taken a very close interest in the arts,' said Peter Easton, MP, as though somehow blaming Israel for this unfortunate state of affairs.
'Have you?' said Israel, who had taken an instant and huge and not, he felt, entirely irrational dislike to the man, who was wearing some sort of sickly, thick aftershave and whose pin-stripes on his pin-stripe suit seemed suspiciously far apart, and the knot of whose tie was too perfectly plump, and his hair too smooth and too silky, making him look like a comedy or imitation MP, a huge, weird, life-sized, hand-operated puppet of Mr Peter Easton, MP, and not the thing itself.
'Stalin,' said Israel.
'Sorry?' said Mr Easton, MP, leaning down over Israel.
'Stalin–yo
u know, Soviet leader. Big moustache. He took a very keen interest in the arts.'
'Really?' said Mr Peter Easton, MP, who was already gazing around, his pin-stripes wriggling, his tie and hair stock-still, ready to move on and press more flesh.
'Yes. Used to phone Pasternak to ask him about Mandelstam.'
'Hmm. Fascinating.'
'And then he had him executed.'
'Well,' said Mr Peter Easton, MP, smiling. 'Let's hope that won't be necessary in your case, Mr Armstrong. Pleasure.' And he shook Israel's hand and was gone.
Israel wiped his hand of MP sweat and cologne on his trousers and went to help himself to some more crisps, and a couple of mushroom and mayonnaise vol-au-vents–actually, the plate was nearly done, so he took the lot–and another glass of wine, which was being dished out from big tin jugs set on a makeshift table constructed from the base of a vaulting horse and a flip-chart with its legs removed. Israel was feeling hot and uncomfortable and ever so slightly woozy, so he took a few mini-quiches also, just in case, to line his stomach: Jews, his mother always said, can hold their drink, as long as they're eating at the same time. It seemed to be working.
Then he spied Ted on the other side of the hall, done up in a suit and tie, looking as though he'd been trussed up and was ready for slaughter. He hurried over.
'Ted,' he said. 'Ted!' He'd pretty much ruled Ted out as a suspect and hoped he might be able to patch things up a bit. 'I…' He could really have done with a hand with the hunt for the missing books.
'You,' said Ted.
'Yes, me!' said Israel.
'I've nothing to say to you, young man.'
'No, don't be like that, Ted.'
'You're still in my bad books.'
'Yes. Well. Sorry. Would you like a vol-au-vent though?' said Israel, attempting both apology and pathos at the same time, and offering the plate.
'Hmm.'
'They're nice.'
'Are they vegetenarian?'
'Yeah, but not so's you'd notice.'
'Ach, all right. But don't think a volley vont means I'm forgiving and forgetting now.'
'No, of course not,' said Israel.
'Mmm,' said Ted. 'Mushroom?'
'Yes. I think so.'
'Not bad. So, I s'pose you're going to tell me, how's the auld hunt going?' asked Ted, brushing flaky pastry from his chin.
'The hunt?'
'For the books, you eejit.'