He comes closer to the bed where I’m sitting and his lips and hands are all over me. All I can think about is him as I wrap my legs around his back. I close my eyes, losing myself to his touch.
Liam’s body, all of a sudden, falls on top of me, his full weight bearing down and making it hard to breathe. I open my eyes and see his eyes starting to glaze over and blood is pouring out of the two bullet holes in his chest. I scream and roll him over onto the bed and immediately look around for a phone.
Scrambling, I can’t find a phone anywhere, and I hear Liam gasping for air and choking on his own blood. I’ve never felt so helpless. My hands are shaking, and I can’t think straight. What do I do?
“Tins. Love. You.” His voice is barely audible, but I know I may only have a few minutes left with him. Moving next to him, I grab my shirt from the floor and use it to apply pressure but his blood immediately soaks through the material. I’m losing him.
“You’re going to be okay, baby. All right? I’m right here. Liam, stay with me, baby.” I’m hysterical, and my tears are mixing with his blood. It’s everywhere, the bed turning crimson as I stare at the love of my life dying in front of me.
“Love. You.” His eyes are fluttering, and all of a sudden, we’re in the storage room as paramedics rush by me and start working on him. Looking down, I’m in only a bra and covered in his blood. I watch in shock as they wheel him into the ambulance. I hear the paramedics saying to each other that I did this, that I killed him. The look in their eyes makes me want to collapse to the ground, to convince them that I was innocent.
I scream that it wasn’t me, that I wasn’t the monster. They don’t let me in the ambulance, calling me a murderer and leave me out in the street as they take him away. Crumpling into the fetal position as I lay in the street, I pray for death to take me with him.
I jolt awake, sweat pouring down my face. The sheets stick to my legs as I look around and gather my surroundings. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest, but it’s slowly returning to normal. After a minute, I lie back down and look at the clock. 3:20 in the morning.
Fuck.
I can’t handle the nightmares. They’re slowing tearing me apart. Morphing reality into fiction, it’s messing with my mind. I turn the television on and go to my recordings to find a show to put me back to sleep and, hopefully, in a better mindset. I miss not waking up through the night. After an hour’s worth of dozing off and a half dose of the sleep aid my doctor prescribed me, I’m finally able to fall asleep again without any semblance of dreams or nightmares.
THE NEXT MORNING, I can feel it’s going to be a good day. I was able to sleep in until ten, which rarely happens. After having my morning coffee, I head to the airport to pick up Noah. He went to visit his girlfriend who had recently moved to Detroit for a job. Even though it’s obvious to everyone that it isn’t going to work, they’re still trying their damnedest. Poor guy’s a hopeless romantic determined to find the one.
Hanging out in baggage claim, I browse through the app Shannon installed. The first few times, I swipe the wrong way and curse myself when I can’t get back to potential dates that seemed normal enough.
Why doesn’t this app have an undo button? Now I’ll never meet Ethan29038 because of my stupid swipe happy thumbs.
I throw my phone back in my purse after closing the app and checking the time. His flight should be here by now, so I shouldn’t have too much longer to wait. Leaning back, I wonder how Noah’s trip went. He gets so blinded when he’s in a relationship; it makes me uneasy to question it.
“Funny seeing you here.” I perk my head up in confusion and see Maguire’s toned frame come into view. “Coming to pick me up?” He laughs, and that’s when I see his bag slung over his shoulder.
“Oh, uhh? I’m here waiting for a friend.” I look around and see no signs of Noah.
“That’s very sweet of you. It's way better than getting a ride from some random stranger who thinks he can charge whatever he feels like. Your friend’s lucky.” He nods to the seat next to me, asking for permission to sit. I nod my head in agreement, but my stomach is jumping all over the place.
What do I do now? Small talk?
“So where did you go? Or is that too personal? I’m sorry,” I blab and put my hands on my face. I can feel his eyes on me. “I suck at this.”
“Suck at—what? Communicating with human beings?” I look over and see his brows creased in question. Leaning back, he takes his time to people watch as I concentrate my stare rudely on him. He oozes confidence and composure.
“No, I used to be good at it. I mean talking to new people. I just feel like I’m being judged all the time now, and it makes me have diarrhea of the mouth.”
Now, it’s his turn to stare at me until he bursts out in a quiet laugh. Awesome. I should just leave now and tell Noah to find another ride. I’m over my time limit to be in public for the day.
“Why do you feel that way now? There’s no reason to feel judged.”
I know he knows about Liam. He should know why I feel and act this way. Why is he not treating me with pity and sadness?
“You know why.”
He lets out a deep breath before speaking. “I suppose I do. I should tell you something about how it gets better or how things happen for a reason, but that’s not who I am. You had a life-altering event happen in your life. No one should judge you while you find you again.”
I want to confide in him. He’s not my friend. We don’t know each other well. But for some reason, I’m drawn to him and want to let him in. I want him to take my pain away. I’m struggling with my brain telling me to keep the wall up and my heart telling me to grab on to anything stable to keep me from floating off into oblivion.
“I guess. I hate feeling as if I’m starting over after I had everything I wanted. It’s just so unfair, you know? I wasn’t ready for it, and there’s no pause or reverse button. It hurts so much, all the time. And those few minutes I’m not thinking about him? Yeah, I feel guilty for thinking of something other than him.” I’m trying not to tear up but seeing the understanding in Maguire’s soft eyes makes me feel safe.
“It isn’t fair. Life isn’t. We all want what we want, and when we can’t have it, it makes us do crazy things. I get it.” I spot Noah coming toward us just as Maguire rubs my leg. I stiffen immediately, but it’s too late. Maguire pulls his hand off as if he’s done something horrible. My skin misses his touch. I turn to him to smile but in the corner of my eye, I see the disappointment on Noah’s face. It’s gone after a second, as if he’s trying to hide what he’s thinking. The whole situation catches me off guard.
Fuck my life. I’m not ready for Noah to scold me for having another man touch my leg. The look on Noah’s face, though, tells me I’m not going to be able to ignore Maguire’s small bit of affection.
It’s probably pity affection, anyways.
“I have to get going. I’ve gotten two texts from the driver saying he was outside. See you around?” Maguire stands and holds his hand out to help me up. I shake my head and stand, awkwardly leaning so I don’t touch him.
“Sure. Thanks,” I say as I realize his hand is still waiting. For what, I’m not sure. I shake his hand and mutter bye before walking over to Noah. Maguire doesn’t say anything as I scurry off in shame.
“So. Wanna tell me about what I missed?” His eyes watch as Maguire walks out of the airport and we’re alone. He’s defensive and I get it, but he’s worrying over nothing. Noah’s body is tense as I nudge him, pulling him out of his head. He’s trying to put the pieces together to a puzzle that doesn’t exist. Noah’s always looking out for me, even when I don’t need it.
“You missed nothing. You didn’t see anything either, okay?”
“We can start with that, for now. Where’d you park? I can drive.” He starts walking toward the exit, and I’m left to stew in my own thoughts. I’m pretty sure Maguire thinks I’m certifiably insane and Noah’s gone all alpha male on me.
“Second aisle on the left.”
“I can tell you’re dying to know how my vacation went.” His voice oozes sarcasm. I smile a tad at how he can effectively pull me out of my own head, even if just for a few minutes.
“I can’t bear to wait any longer! Did y’all stay in bed all weekend and make up for lost time?” I grin and bump him with my shoulder.
“Not quite.” His voice is solemn and nonchalant.
“Ahh, you got adventurous and found new places? You dirty dog, you,” I joke, but I can hear the heartbreak in his voice.
“I broke up with her. She wants me to move up there with her, and she got pissed when I refused. I realized our relationship wasn’t heading in the direction I wanted, so I cut it off. Spent the night in a hotel instead and did a lot of nothing. I feel good about it, though, so don’t try to help me out by us binge eating tubs of ice cream all day.”
“Whatever. I don’t do that.” I scoff as he gives me a knowing look. “Not with you, I don’t! That’s what Shannon and I do. Leave it alone, it works.” I laugh as we get in my car and head back to his house.
“So that guy back there.” Leave it to Noah to nonchalantly bring it up as if it’s normal conversation. It could be if someone hadn’t just killed my boyfriend a few months ago.
I feel the interrogation starting already.
I contemplate what to say. Do I go the honesty route? How much do I have to divulge? Avoiding his gaze, I tell him, “That guy back there moved into Liam’s place. We went to college together, so we sorta know each other but not really. I mean it’s been nearly six years since I graduated. Anyway, he had just landed and was talking to me while I waited. You know, he kept me company.” The guilt of betraying Liam and disappointing Noah is suffocating me at my admission.
“Weird.”
Noah’s toying with me, knowing I’ll crack and give him more information.
“A little. He seems sweet. He seems to be trying to put some roots down and become an adult, I guess. Just like Liam.” I say the last three words in a whisper.
Noah nods his head but says nothing. I’m dying to know his thoughts on it. He thinks things through and looks at the big picture. I used to. But now? I feel like the frame is broken and everything is skewed.
I want to go home and be alone. When Noah keeps his mouth shut, I know he has nothing nice to say. He’s trying to be nice and not say anything he’ll regret, but it doesn’t help my situation. All it does is make me stew in my own thoughts, which are a whirlwind of confusion. As he gets his bag from the trunk and I switch over to the driver’s seat, he hollers at me to be careful and thanks me before heading inside.
I take the quickest route home and plan to lock myself in my apartment for the rest of the weekend, vowing I’ll never replace Liam.
Love is a bitch. It lets you become gloriously happy and vulnerable but has the ability to rip you to shreds in seconds. You’re feeling invincible one minute, and the next, the world you know is gone forever.
I’ve never been as in love as I was with Liam. I fell hard, and we were at a point in our lives where futures were becoming a possibility. We were going to be forever.
Losing someone you love doesn’t just affect your heart. It affects every part of your body and life. It was as if all my energy drained when I lost him. My body was in physical pain and lying in bed became the bulk of my day. All my thoughts had Liam in them. Everywhere I went, I would see something to remind me of him. I’d go to the store and see his favorite foods. I’d go online and see his saved login information. Even in the shower, the bodywash I used every day was something he loved.
My body and mind wanted to give up, to throw in the towel. I knew it wasn’t an option, but for a while, I had to make myself eat and shower. Otherwise, I’d lose myself completely.
As I get ready for bed, I try to think about all the good that was Liam. If I went to bed sad, the nightmares were sure to come. After brushing my teeth, I walk into my bedroom and am about to get into bed.
That is until I plug my phone onto the charger and I see a new text. My breathing picks up as soon as I see the words.
A new text from Liam.
My heart stops beating as my hand shakes so much that the phone falls effortlessly to the floor. I fall with it, leaning my back against the side of my bed as I fumble to retrieve my phone from underneath it.
I keep shaking my head, staring at the now black screen as my thoughts scramble.
My eyes are playing tricks on me. I have seen his name on my screen so many times, so it had to be a flashback. I read it wrong. Could it be? What if it is? Had the phone service been turned off? Why was it not with his personal items? Is this some cruel joke?
I stare at the phone as if it’s cursed.
My heart can’t handle this shit. It’s been working overtime for the past few months, and it’s probably aged ten years. I take a few calming breaths as tears trickle down my cheeks.
Opening the message, a sob wrenches out of me as I read the text.
Liam: Your eyes shine as bright as the sun, your love brings me warmth in the darkest of times
I stare.
And sob.
And try to figure out what in the hell I’m looking at.
Had it been a delayed message that never went through? My heart hurts knowing Liam’s darkest times were in my bar with some monster who decided that taking a life was okay. I wasn’t there to bring him out of the darkness, and now, he’s gone.
Curling up in bed, I hold my phone to my chest, missing the man I love now more than ever. If I could have done anything in my power to stop it from happening, I would have in a heartbeat.
I failed him.
Tinsley
MY LIFE IS SO twisted and dysfunctional; I’m second-guessing all of my decisions. I can’t even go out with friends without questioning whether to have a drink. At work, any time someone asks a question, I wonder if I gave the right information. I’m so used to being confident in myself, and now? Now, I have no fucking clue.
Not to mention, I’m pretty sure I have a ghost, or something is not normal.
I also have thoughts I shouldn’t be having about a boy who isn’t Liam.
Maguire. He’s a mystery to me.
He’s familiar in the sense I’ve known him casually for years now. The last few encounters we’ve had, I’ve felt awkward and comfortable with him all at the same time. He gives off friendly vibes. I have an internal battle with being okay with being friendly with him and staying away because of how beautifully handsome he is.
My mind keeps wandering back to him being in Liam’s home. How different does it look now? If I walked in, would it still remind me of the house I called home?
Has Maguire come back into my life for a reason? Does that happen?
It’s stupid. I shouldn’t be thinking about it at all but late at night, that’s what pops into my head. I haven’t told anyone about it and obviously haven’t acted on it, but fuck if I’m not curious.
Every night, I beat myself up over the guilt I feel for the thought of moving on and I fall asleep pissed off and lonely. I’m stuck in this push and pull of wanting to be happy again and not wanting to leave Liam behind. My emotions are seriously bipolar these days, and all I want is to have some sort of normalcy again.
After a week of misery, I say to hell with it and do a drive-by one morning. Meaning I drove by Maguire’s house so slowly I might as well have had my car in neutral. Trying my hardest to get a glimpse inside the windows, I let out a hmph noise when I see his blinds are closed.
Epic fail.
I do a U-turn at the end of the road, driving the speed limit, and just as I am about to pass his house again, I see him open his front door. Wearing nothing but a pair of pajama pants so low you can see his cute abs and the lower part of his V, I put my foot on the brake as my jaw drops.
He looks up instantly, and I hit my forehead with my palm. Way to be discreet.
I look behind me and swerve over to the side
of the road as he saunters up to my car, smiling as wide as can be.
Maguire opens the door for me and peers inside. The sun’s right behind him and it's making him glow. It’s also making it hard to see him without squinting. “I’m not sure how to ask this, but did you slam on your brakes when you saw me?” I can smell his minty breath from my seat, and looking down, his abs are begging to be touched. I need to stay far, far away from this man.
“If I said no, would you believe me?” I ask, trying to look anywhere but his eyes. Eyes that penetrate through my hardened walls and see the real me.
Smiling, he shrugs his shoulders. “No. I was just curious what type of excuse you’d come up with. If you want to hang out, Tinsley, all you have to do is ask. Although, since you know where I live and all, I guess stopping by is another option?” He opens the door as wide as it’ll go and lends a hand, motioning for me to get out of the car.
I hadn’t planned this far! I wasn’t expecting to actually see him or go inside the house! Abort mission, abort mission!
“I wanted to make sure you were settling in okay. How’s the house?” Hesitating a moment before stepping out the car after turning it off, I grab my purse and take his hand. He pulls me up, and I stumble forward one too many steps, stopping inches from him.
“You’re not very good at this, are you?”
“At what?” I scoff, thinking about how many things I’m probably doing wrong at this very moment.
He just laughs before telling me, “Getting out of the car. Good thing I was here, in case you fell.”
I want to tell him that he’s the whole reason I suck at it. He’s the one who pulled me.
“Mmmhmm. I guess so. I didn't really mean I needed to go inside. I just thought I’d make sure you didn’t have any questions about the wiring, or umm, other stuff?” I look at my feet, knowing how awkward I must seem, but his hand on my back makes me feel slightly better about myself. After a moment, I look up, trying to show the confidence I wish I had.
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