Unfortunately, once he left home and found the temporary relief and release that orgasm gave him, sex became the way that he escaped. Later, after being repeatedly used for sexual favors by Jean Luc (and handsomely rewarded for it), Gastien’s already damaged young mind processed that people showed their acceptance and love for him by using him sexually. Since he was highly sexed anyway, this resulted in both physical and mental addiction to sexual encounters.
He could never quite process that he was hurting his self worth by engaging in extramarital activities. He would indulge to feel the thrill of another human wanting and “loving” him, only to find that shortly afterward he felt dirty, sad, and lonely. To erase that, eventually he would find someone to make him feel good again; resulting in a vicious circle that he could avoid for awhile, but would always eventually return to.
He loved Sophie as much as his damaged psyche would allow. Part of him knew that he would find peace if he could only let himself open up and heal, but another part of his mind would not allow it. The fear of ever being vulnerable again was too great. Any more pain or abuse was to be avoided at all costs, even if it meant keeping a barrier up.
Sophie somehow understood that by instinct. Gastien’s actions hurt her many times, but she was able to process that those actions were not done by Gastien for any other reason except that he simply could not stop. It was an ugly addiction that had nothing to do with their love. She hoped that someday he would feel safe enough, and strong enough, to see that he was hurting himself with those behaviors and move past them. If not, she would still stand by him. His sickness (for that is how she saw it) was not her fault, and she did not feel that it was his, either.
She also knew that talking to him about it was not the answer. He needed to see on his own that he was now abusing himself, instead of others abusing him; that he had become his own perpetrator. She knew if she mentioned it that he would reject the idea. He would choose to believe that she was simply jealous and trying to change him.
Gastien would either eventually learn, or stay the same. It hurt to see him abuse himself, or to hear about it from others, but she was happy whenever they were together. To her, he was simply wonderful. It was a rare gift that he had opened up to her as much as he had. That itself proved that he loved her deeply. She knew that and cherished Gastien and his love, no matter what issues he had.
Gastien was happy; happier than he had ever thought would be possible. Having Sophie in his life was a rare gift he never believed would be granted to him. It had surprised him when he found himself in love. He had not thought himself capable of that. Sophie was everything good, everything fabulous in his life, with the exception of his art. His son was an added bonus.
However, Gastien truly had endured as much pain as one man possibly could. He simply was incapable of facing his sexual issues.
And so, he kept on as usual. He took sexual release when he felt he needed it, always puzzled by the loneliness and sadness that invariably resulted when it was with someone other than Sophie. He would quickly push it to the back of his mind; back with other memories that he tried very hard to forget.
XXVI
One night, shortly after Mic and Alice had broken up, the two hommes both got incredibly high and almost as drunk. Somehow they ended up at Mic’s, having a foursome with a couple of married women who knew Gastien. Their husbands gone on business, they had decided to come out and play.
This was a first for either of the hommes. They did not touch or kiss each other, nor did they penetrate each other, but they did share the women. And, at times, they both used one of the women at the same time. Other then each faintly thinking at the beginning of the rendezvous that the other homme had nothing to worry about in the size department; their focus was on chatte and female mouth.
The next morning, they were both so sick they wanted to die. They could not get the women out of there fast enough. Gastien grabbed a pot from the kitchen as soon as they left and promptly threw up. Mic followed shortly.
They could not even make coffee. Gastien whimpered. He was still so light headed that he was afraid to even attempt the steps, so he said he would lie on the couch.
“Hell,” said Mic, “we shared a bed with each other and two women all night. Just come back to bed. You will get a backache like you won’t believe from that couch. Alice always bitched just sitting on it. I am not going to touch you. If I was, I would have done it last night.”
Gastien gladly fell into the bed and curled up. Mic climbed in, turned his back, and grabbed his share of the covers. Just like old times with his brother, Paul, thought Gastien. It had been seven years since he had shared a bed with a man.
“Don’t you dare fart or I will be sick again,” Gastien warned.
“I won’t fart. I am so sick I would be afraid to! Now shut the hell up because your voice makes my head pound worse.”
However, a few minutes later, Gastien was kneeling on the bed, fumbling around with the window.
“Now what the hell are you doing?” rasped Mic.
“I need to piss badly. I am too dizzy for the stairs.” Opening the window, Gastien leaned up against the ledge and relieved himself.
Mic laughed, in spite of his throbbing head. “You really are quite a pig. Cassie would have a fit if she looked out the window next door.”
“It is my back yard. If I want to piss on it, I can,” Gastien said stubbornly. Just to add emphasis to his ownership he used his hand to move the spray around. “Besides, it is raining. It will wash away.”
“Oui. Right into the well.”
“Silence!”
“I hope you don’t fumble around in bed with Sophie the way you fumbled around getting that window open. If so, you must seldom get the job accomplished!” laughed Mic.
Gastien gave him a withering stare. “Did I fumble around last night in bed?”
“Non,“ Mic admitted. “You were pounding into them quite skillfully.”
“Well, then there is your answer. I am hung over. Give me a break.”
“Now I have to piss. I suppose you won’t let ME piss on your yard.”
“Be my guest,” said Gastien grandly, moving out of the way.
As Mic started to relieve himself, Gastien poked him in both sides. Mic jumped, pissing on the window ledge. Some promptly ran down the inside wall.
“Damn it! Gaz, you trou du cul!”
Gastien laughed so hard he fell down on the bed. This was the perfect time to now claim the outside spot, so he would not have to sleep by the piss.
“Move back over here!” growled Mic.
“NON! Not by your piss!” Gastien said between gasps of laughter.
“Fils de pute!” snarled Mic. He got up and found a rag. Using yesterday’s water in the basin, and some soap, he scrubbed at the wall. Gastien laughed harder.
“WHAT???” spat Mic.
“Nothing like watching your best ami, buck naked, scrubbing piss of his wall with his big ol’ white ass exposed. What an ugly sight!”
“Oh, kiss it.” Mic got off the bed and found his underwear. Searching for Gastien's, he held it up by one finger. “Here, put these on. I don’t want to look at your naked ass anymore, either.”
Gaz climbed into his underwear. “Mic, we were really flying last night. It almost scares me to think how high we were. I would never have thought I would do a foursome with another man, even if we were only enjoying the women.”
“Just be quiet. I am damaged for life after seeing you naked.”
“Oui, I can imagine! Kind of hurts your pride, I bet.”
“Don’t even start. And remind me not to get that messed up again.”
They did make it back to sleep. Several hours later when Gaz woke up, Mic had coffee ready. They avoided the fact that they had slept together, and that they had shared two women. Some things were better not discussed further.
“Do you have any breakfast pastry downstairs?” whispered Mic hoarsely.
“Non.”
&
nbsp; Mic sighed. “You are worthless, ami. I don’t know why you even put a kitchen in your studio.”
“When Sophie is there she has food in it.”
“Oui, I know. I had food, too, when Alice was here. Now I am back to never having anything around when I want it. One would think we could remember to buy food.”
“One would think so. But we have our priorities,” Gastien said.
“Oui, but some breakfast pastry once in awhile around here would be nice.”
“I could go get some, I guess,” offered Gastien. He listlessly stood up.
“You look like you have died. At least stuff your hair into a beret.”
“I’ll stuff if into your mouth. I was nice enough to say I would get it, don’t start telling me how awful I must look.” Gastien got dressed shakily. “Where did my beret go?”
“You probably humped it last night, until it fell apart.”
“Like you have any control.” He spotted it under a chair. “There it is.” He stuffed his hair up into it.
Mic laughed. “Don’t get too close to anyone. You probably reek of conne and vomit.”
“Merci for the vote of confidence.”
Gastien slowly went down the stairs. As he came outside, Vic was walking out her door.
“Mon Dieu! You look like you died. What happened?” she asked trying not to laugh.
Gastien shook his head. “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”
Vic just looked at him. “I could hear.”
Gastien blushed. “We were really, really messed up.”
“Shame on you, Gaz.”
Cassie came out. “Shame on him? For what?”
Gastien just stared at the ground.
“Oh, that. Last night. Men are pigs.” Cassie stared until Gastien met her eyes. “Sophie deserves better respect than that.”
He cleared his throat. “She knows I do as I please.”
“She doesn’t know you have orgies.”
“It just happened. And, non, Mic and I did not – “
“We didn’t think so.“
“Will you get us some pastry? I look like hell.”
Vic sighed. “I suppose. By the way, you smell like vomit.”
When Gastien came up with the pastry, Mic was dressed, and coffee was poured. Gastien tossed the pastries on the table and sat down.
“I got some white willow from Cassie and Vic. That should help the headaches.”
They devoured their pastry and each had three cups of coffee.
Finally Gastien stated, “I don’t know if my breath or my body smells worse. I am heading downstairs to get in the tub.”
“I need a bath myself. At least I did not have to face anyone. You were brave to go out, ami.”
“Cassie and Vic heard us last night. I got a lecture, which made my head hurt even worse.” Gastien played with his cup. He looked up bleakly. “Mic, I am a horrible husband, aren’t I?”
Mic shrugged his shoulders. “You could be better. But, then, so could most. Sophie knew what she was getting into. She loves and accepts who you are.”
“She would not be happy about last night. “
“Well, what difference does it make if you are having sex with one at a time or two? Just the same, I would not mention it.”
Gastien stood. “I wonder if I will die before the end of the day.”
“Non. But you may not be practicing fencing moves anytime today. And that is too bad if you want to keep that firm, little round ass of yours.” Mic could not resist causing Gastien to get a little upset about him seeing his ass. It was just too easy to get a reaction.
“You just keep your eyes off my ass!”
“Hard to do when I see a woman nibbling on a butt cheek…”
“Enough! I am going downstairs to bathe. And, non, I won’t be exercising today. Or going out tonight! If you want to join me for dinner early, fine. Afterward, we can part or you can come in and paint with me awhile. I want to turn in early. I need to recover before Sophie comes tomorrow night.”
“Sounds like a plan. See you then.”
Life went on, and was mostly good, for several years. Gastien remained very happy and content, except during the nights that the nightmares would decide to visit. It did not happen enough to ruin his health, but just enough to keep the memories in his head.
Sophie also remained happy. Despite his faults, she knew Gastien was the man for her. She felt she was put on earth to love him, and love him she did, regardless of his unusual needs. She knew others saw her as a fool. She was strong enough to accept that; strong enough to love and forgive the flaws of her most unusual man.
To his credit, Gastien did his best to show love to both his wife and son. He also did not just show up at Odette’s to irritate people. He stopped over other times to be of help. He would frequently fix things around the house, and even repainted the exterior one fall.
He did not expect his actions to make Odette warm up to him. It was done for his wife and son. He wanted them to have a home they were proud of; a husband and father that had qualities they could be proud of, too.
XXVII
As soon as Tristan Michel stopped nursing at eighteen months, Sophie found a job close to Gastien’s studio. She worked in a flower shop. She actually could see Gastien’s studio out the window. Sophie stopped by most nights after work, often cooking for him before going home. Many times they made love. Once in awhile she would stop by on lunch, and sometimes they would make love then. That was not too often, because she did not want to end up late back from lunch and lose her job.
One beautiful spring day around noon, she walked across the park to his studio to surprise him. As soon as she opened the door she heard sounds so guttural they seemed inhuman. Sophie had definitely surprised him. There Gastien was, with another woman, roughly slamming into her as she bent over a table. There was no resemblance to love or romance. He appeared to be assaulting her, using his bite as a weapon.
Sophie gasped before she could stop herself. She no longer had to worry that he loved the other women…but she never knew sex could be so brutal! She faintly wondered how the woman would walk afterwards.
Gastien heard her and froze mid-thrust. When he turned to stare at Sophie, she was stunned at how he looked. Sweat dripped down his brow and he was panting. His eyes glittered like jewels; they showed no emotion, just hard desire. He looked like a predator that had just hunted and was now devouring his kill.
Not saying a word, Gastien turned his face back to the job before him. He drew a ragged breath and continued to thrust. The woman had not heard Sophie, as she was thoroughly enjoying what Gastien was giving.
Gastien increased his tempo as the woman cried out her encouragement. Sophie knew he was close to finishing, and also knew she should just leave. However, it was impossible to move or look away. He looked so savage, so animalistic! Who was this man really? It was an ugly site, yet he looked magnificent – oui, glorious – in his dominion over his prey.
The woman screamed and then shuddered as she was taken over the edge. Sophie watched as Gastien’s thigh and buttock muscles contracted even more. With a loud cry of release from him, the muscles relaxed. He fought for his breath as he pulled out.
“Merci,” he gasped. “Please leave now. My wife is here.”
The woman turned. “Pardon me?”
“I said my wife is standing in the doorway. Please leave.” He tried to even his breathing as he wiped at the sweat dripping from his face.
The woman turned scarlet. She hurriedly pulled herself together, using the back door to exit. Gastien was still trying to get his breathing under control as he looked at Sophie.
“Please. Don’t go. Give me a minute,” he gasped. He washed off and buttoned up, turning to face her. “I am sorry you walked in on that.”
She just kept staring at him for a few minutes. Finally, she found her voice.
“Though not sorry enough to stop, I noticed.”
Gastien walked over to her and
reached out to touch her face. She flinched.
“Sophie, don’t,” he pleaded.
“Sophie don’t? I am not the one doing anything wrong! I came to see my husband! How awkward. I must look like a silly fool standing here.”
Gastien quietly responded, “Non, you don’t look like a fool. You look like the woman I love,”
“Well, whatever it was you were just doing, you are right that it is not love! I’ll give you that.”
A tear slipped down her face.
“Damn it Sophie, you know I see others! You also know that I see them during the day! I try to keep my trysts confined to the earlier parts of the day.”
She said nothing.
“Sophie, come on. My shutters are closed. What did you expect? Do you think any artist closes out daylight without a damn good reason? Perhaps if you had thought to notice that, you would have understood that this was not a good time to walk in!”
He paced the floor. “I forgot to lock the door. Although I am sorry that you saw it, I am not sorry I did it. I will do it again and again. I burn with that need! That is who I am. Learn to look and see if my shutters are open!”
Sophie wiped her eyes. He was right. She knew he did this. She should have known that he did not close the shutters when he was painting. Since she had accepted him for what he was, she would have to understand that she needed to watch for those signs – unless she wanted to walk in on something she would not like seeing.
“Gastien – “
“What?” he snapped. “I already said – “
“You are right.” She walked over to him. “We both made a mistake. You forgot the door; I did not notice the shutters. I walked in on you. I will make sure I don’t come in again when your shutters are closed.”
She stood and looked at him some more. “Well, I guess we won’t be making love over my lunch hour today.”
“I always want you, you know that. I am sure I could – “
“But I couldn’t. Not like this.” She kissed him. “I will see you after work. I will come and make you dinner.”
Gastien: From Dream to Destiny: A Caddy Rowland Historical Family Saga/Drama (The Gastien Series Book 2) Page 26