Dancing Hours

by Jennifer Browning

  “I’m sorry.”

  He smiled back. “I’m sorry too.”

  “What are you doing out here?”

  “I wasn’t going to leave you alone tonight.”

  “And you were going to sit in the hall all night long?”

  “Well, I might have had to try to find a soda machine at some point, but yes.”

  I reached out a hand and helped him up. Before he reached his full height, I wanted to kiss him but felt suddenly unsure how he would respond. After he was up I let go of his hand, but he grabbed mine with his other hand and we walked that way back to my apartment. It felt electric to me and I wondered if it did for him too.

  Aside from the whole incident with X, it had actually been a really nice evening. I closed the door behind us and meant to ask him if he wanted some coffee, but what came out was something completely different “I’m not a kid.”

  “I know you aren’t.”

  He leaned down and kissed me gently on the lips, testing the waters. I was still angry at him for lying to me, but I couldn’t help myself. That kiss was incomparable. I’d dated guys during the last several years, of course, and kissed more than a few. I couldn’t honestly say I didn’t like it with any of them, because I did. But most of my other kisses had felt like a gateway – what a guy had to do to get to the next level of the game. David’s kiss was different. It was tentative and hopeful and over too quickly.

  He leaned back and looked at me and I realized that I had wrapped my arms around him involuntarily. With the kiss over, I felt a million thoughts begin to swirl in my head. Somehow I managed to finally ask David if he wanted some coffee.

  “Does it mean you’d have to let go?”

  I looked down pondering the possibilities of making coffee with only one hand. “Yes, otherwise things could get kind of messy.”

  “Then I don’t want any coffee.”

  “Okay, would you like to sit?” I motioned toward the couch.

  He reached for my hand and we walked to the couch together, sitting down without any room between us. He moved his hand to lace his fingers between mine and put his other arm around me. There was silence for several moments. I had no idea what to say, but I felt like every molecule in my body was buzzing to kiss him again. I knew better than to ask him what he was thinking. Men hated to talk about what they are thinking. But it looked like he was doing a lot of it.

  “That was nice, the restaurant.” I started hesitantly.

  “Oh, yeah, it was. Good choice.” He agreed. We were looking at each other and I felt uncomfortable – not because I didn’t know David very well or that we had nothing to talk about, but because I would have much rather been doing what we had done earlier.

  “I know you’re upset with me.” He started again. “You’ve become my best friend and, in spite of that, I really didn’t think I could tell you and I’m sorry. I know that you could have kept the secret, but it didn’t feel like mine to tell. I think things could have been different.”

  He called me his best friend and I was filled with a strange mixture of happiness and sadness. Was I about to be put into the friend category after he’d just kissed me? “I think I understand.” I reassured him and I lightly stroked the inside of his forearm, anxious to touch him and hopefully reignite some kissing activity. “You were doing the best thing for Jessica.”

  “Yes, I was. And I really thought it was the best thing for you too. I mean, you were so young when we met and you shouldn’t be burdened with stuff like that.”

  I pulled back, suddenly feeling something completely different. “I’m not a kid.” I said harshly as I let go of his hand and started backing away from him.

  “No, no. I know you’re not.” He pulled me back toward him with one arm and the other went to the side of my face. I didn’t resist him; I was still mostly hoping we could be kissing again soon. Instead of waiting to see if he would, I seized on him like a wild animal.

  The passion between us was crackling like a hot fire and the thoughts swirling through my head were fuzzy, but along the lines of him leaving to go home and not wanting him to go home and how all the homesickness I’d felt since moving to Los Angeles seemed to disappear with him around. And then suddenly I realized I wanted to rip his clothes off and he seemed game for it too. I took off his shirt and felt the warm skin of his back, his chest, his chiseled abs. There wasn’t enough room on the couch, I wanted to take him to my bed. As I said “Come on” and reached to take him with me, though, he stopped everything. To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement.

  “Wait.” He said pulling away from me to the other side of the couch, far enough away that there was no touching possible and put his shirt back on.

  “What? What? Did I do something wrong?” I felt like someone had stopped a roller coaster just as it was about to crest the hill.

  “No, you definitely did not do anything wrong; but we can’t just do this, Andy.”

  “We can’t?”

  “Were you not just listening to me? You are my best friend.”

  “Oh, so now we’re friends? You…” I didn’t know how to finish the sentence. Words were escaping my mind that was completely focused on a single objective just a moment ago.

  “That’s not what I mean. I mean, yes, that is what I mean. But what I mean is that it’s all or nothing for me, Andy. I don’t want to lose you as a friend. I don’t want to have this be something that you regret tomorrow.”

  “You mean that you’re worried this is something you will regret tomorrow.” I found my tongue and it had some acid on it.

  He looked at me for a long moment. “I know that I would wake up deliriously happy tomorrow and every morning that I wake up with you.” He was looking at me intently, trying to read my response and I could see that. For some reason, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how incredibly sweet that statement was.

  “You don’t have to say that.”

  “I’m not saying it because I have to. I said it because I mean it. I think my heart has belonged to you since that first day I met you.” After a long pause he said gently “I love you.”

  I felt like the world was crashing down around me. All of my fear and anxiety and loneliness and frustration were bubbling up. “No you don’t. You don’t love me. You don’t even know me.”

  “Don’t I?” he asked earnestly.

  The truth was that he did know me, probably better than anyone by now. My best friend from high school had found new best friends and although I had new friends too, they only knew the girl I had become and not the girl I started out as. David knew me better than anyone else that didn’t share my DNA.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that. I guess I’m feeling a little weird here. Are you saying that you’d rather be my friend than… something else?”

  He scoffed. “No.” He climbed over and kissed me again, over and over again. It was more subdued this time, mostly because I was completely confused. “What I was saying is that I want something more permanent than sleeping with you tonight, flying home and then not ever talking to you again.”

  “That wouldn’t happen.” I reassured.

  “It might. I don’t know if I want to take that risk.”

  “Well then we’re at an impasse.” I smiled beguilingly.

  “I suppose so.”

  I never did make coffee that night. We talked and kissed and did a lot of both. Ultimately, David did let me take him to my bedroom, but we both passed out with our clothes on curled up together like pieces of a puzzle.

  In the morning I woke up and he was gone. I felt stupid and crestfallen until I found the note taped to my mirror.

  Gone to the hotel to shower and change. Call me when you wake up. –D

  Instead of agonizing over what last night meant to our relationship as friends or staring at my phone for an hour trying to figure out what I was going to say, I did just as he asked. I called and he answered. We talked for a while and agreed that last
night was just a blip on our friendship radar and we probably shouldn’t do it again, definitely not in proximity of my grandmother. I called work to let them know I’d be out for a couple of days and double checked to make sure I had absences to spare in my classes.

  They picked me up for breakfast. Nan was looking pale and small in the beaming California rays and her hair seemed to be sporting a lot more white than usual. She said she had not slept as well as she hoped last night and just needed a good plate of Eggs Benedict to be right as rain. David recounted the story of our run-in with X at the restaurant last night and Nan seemed amused by the tale. I had a feeling she’d already spoken to Ed about it, but David was enjoying telling the story so she let him go on. When he finished, she asked if I was alright and I told her I was, but that even then I was worried that he was watching somewhere. David reached his hand under the table to grab mine for a moment and then let go.

  “You got rid of the phone didn’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well I can assure you that Mr. Wright is a very convincing man. I think you’ve seen the last of your admirer.”

  “I hope so. Does this mean you’re going to go home today?”

  “Not today dear. You and I have things to do!” She brightened a bit and I hoped she was going to shake off the jetlag soon.

  David left us to go see Noah. I sarcastically remarked that he should tell his brother hello for me. Nan and I spent the morning doing girlie things – manicures, pedicures, massages. She even took me to a trendy salon for a haircut and highlights. I looked like a new woman by the time it was done.

  “So, did you and David enjoy your evening last night?” she inquired not-so-innocently.

  “Yeah, you heard the story. It was quite a night.”

  “I heard part of the story, but if you don’t want to tell me the other part that’s alright too, sweet pea.”

  Nan never let anything get by her. I blushed and wondered if I should dish about kissing David, but I wasn’t really sure how I felt about it and decided that if I told Nan it might make it feel more magical. That was a scary idea, so I kept it to myself.

  By the time Nan felt like going back to take a nap, David was waiting for us at the hotel. She gave me the best hug ever. We both held on until she finally said she needed to take a rest. David promised to try to keep me entertained and Nan reassured him that she knew he would. Even he caught the look she gave us, so as soon as we were in the elevator he asked if I had told her. When the doors opened on the first floor, he reached for my hand lacing his fingers between mine and we walked out together that way.

  We spent the day together laughing at the beach. I tried not to touch him too much, because it made my fingertips hot and my heart race; but his body had a gravitational pull that was impossible to escape. At times we ended up too close, but I didn’t mind and he didn’t seem to either. There was something so amazing and peaceful about sitting on a beach, watching the ocean extend to the horizon. It was almost as humbling as looking up at the night sky and seeing the stars go on forever. Stars were what I missed the most about home. In Los Angeles, the sky was hardly ever dark enough to see them.

  In the afternoon, we went to check on Nan, but she wasn’t in her room. She’d left a message for David that she had some business to attend to with old friends and to tell me that she’d call me tomorrow before they had to leave for the airport.

  I was disappointed that I wasn’t going to get to see her again, but excited to spend the rest of the day with David. We went to his hotel room so he could clean up a little bit. I flipped through the channels on the TV aimlessly, but I was keenly aware that David was in the shower and couldn’t help imagining him there. A guy friend told me once that every guy, no matter how harmless he might seem, imagines women naked when they are talking to them. I remember thinking how incredibly distracting that must be and almost felt sorry for guys knowing that they weren’t capable of having a conversation without the intrusion of sex floating around in their minds. Now I felt like I knew what that must be like. All day when he spoke I watched his lips, remembering what it felt like to kiss them. Then realizing he had shaved that morning, I wanted to know if it would feel differently to do it again.

  And now, he stood naked in the room next to me, less than 10 feet away and separated by only drywall and plumbing, electrical wires and some tile. I wanted it all to be invisible and I wanted to have the courage to join him there. But I knew that we agreed to be friends and just friends. There really was no such thing as Friends With Benefits and David didn’t even want to try that route. I could appreciate that. I could respect that. Couldn’t I?

  He came out of the shower with just a towel wrapped around his waist. I knew he wasn’t trying to tease me, he didn’t even look at me directly as he searched through his suitcase for clothes to put on. I froze with the remote poised toward the television and stared at him. He moved lithely and I couldn’t see an imperfection on him. His hair was wet and plastered to the back of his head, but it was sexy.

  At the moment I was considering reaching out and pulling the towel off of him, pulling him down on the bed and throwing caution out the window, he moved away back into the bathroom to get dressed. I wanted to follow him, but I needed to restrain myself.

  He talked to me through the open bathroom door while he dressed, brushed his teeth and combed his hair. Whatever cologne he spritzed on smelled like heaven to me. Having no idea what kind of debauchery had been going through my mind, he popped out and asked if I was ready to go. I said I was, but just before we left he said he had something for me.

  “As you can imagine, we didn’t end up spending all the money your grandmother gave me last night. She didn’t want the rest back, so I found something for you today.”

  “Really?” I blushed. “How sweet.”

  He pulled out a box and opened it to reveal a beautiful necklace. I put it on right away and he smiled. He touched the pendant, which hung in the middle of my chest, setting off rapid heartbeats.

  “I hope you like it.”

  “I love it. It’s beautiful, thank you.”

  “You’re beautiful. And I know you feel weird about it, but I do love you.”

  My heart was pounding now, but I made a face. I looked into his eyes and wondered how I could have ever not been attracted to him. Was there really a time when I thought about him as this older single dad, in a category different from my own? I wished that I could take it back now. I wished that I could go back and bonk myself on the head years ago and knock some sense into me.

  I opened my mouth to say something, but I wasn’t really sure what to say. I could tell him that I loved him, but he said it first and I really didn’t want him to think that it was just a knee jerk response. And I knew that when he said he loved me, he meant that he loved me as a friend, his best friend and that he loved me so much he wanted to keep it that way. That’s what we agreed. I had told friends I loved them before. It was easy and I meant it. Somehow, it was more complicated with David. Before I could say anything, he saved me from stumbling on my own tongue by grabbing my hand and heading for the door.

  At my apartment, I found myself idly wondering in the shower if he was going through the same thoughts that I had. I took some perverse pleasure in imagining that he was trying to see through the bathroom walls. Unlike him, I wasn’t about to come out in a towel with my hair wet. Although David had seen me plenty of times in a ponytail and no makeup, I was going to get gussied up before he saw me again. My routine wasn’t complicated; I was probably only gone for 20 minutes, but David was asleep on my bed when I came out. It was late afternoon and the sun was shining in warmly in an orangish glow. He looked so comfortable and I realized that I was pretty tired too from being up most of the night and then up again early this morning. He’d gotten up even earlier than I had and he was in the wrong time zone.