“How could I be disgusted with you?” he demanded, his voice a rasp.
Lia fought back more tears. Valiantly, she resisted. “My scars…” and she touched her cheek. “I’m ugly.”
Cav shook his head, his mouth twisting. “Baby, you are so far away from ugly the word doesn’t even exist in my world when I look at you. Okay?” and he reached out, capturing her fingers against her facial scar, tucking her hand between his as he leaned forward.
“Listen to me, will you? The first time I saw your picture, I saw you. And you were beautiful to me. I didn’t see your scars, Lia. Do you believe me?” Urgency thrummed through him. Never had Cav wanted her to believe him more than right now.
“Y-you never looked at my scars. You seemed to always see ME, not them,” she offered, her voice choked with emotion. The line of his mouth softened.
“I always see you, Lia, not your scars.” He frowned and released her hand, cupping her left cheek, stroking the area of the scar. “This does not define you, baby. It never has and it never will. It’s a medal of valor for what you survived—“Cav instantly halted, realizing by her reaction he’d said too much. Allowing his hand to drop away, he saw her fine, thin brows move down, confusion in her eyes as she stared at him.
“H-how did you know what I survived?”
Oh, hell! Cav had allowed his emotions, his need to help her, blow his cover. Looking away, he turned, calmly picking up her hands and holding them, speaking in a quiet voice. “I found out the night I came to guard you at your home.”
“Really? How?” Her voice was shaking now.
“I got up around 0200 and did a walk around the outside of the house. I was getting acquainted with the night sounds and what went on around the house.” His hands tightened a little around hers. “I came back into the house and hour later and heard a noise in the kitchen, like water running. I didn’t know what it was, so I walked quietly to the entrance. You were standing at the sink, scrubbing your hands for all they were worth.”
He saw her face crumple. “Oh, God…I was sleepwalking…”
“Yeah,” he muttered, “I figured it out as I stood there.” Releasing her hands, Cav straightened, moving his shoulders as if to remove a load he was carrying. “The reason I realized it, Lia, was because as a kid I used to sleepwalk. My Mom would hear me and get up. She’d find me in some part of the house packing a small suitcase. She’d ask me where I was going. I’d tell her I was running away because I hated my father. Then, at breakfast the next morning, my Mom would tell me she found me sleepwalking. I never remembered any of the episodes, but I was doing it two or three times a week.”
Cav drew in a ragged breath, holding her gaze. “That’s how I figured out you were sleepwalking. Your eyes were glazed, and you could clearly see me standing in the doorway of the kitchen, but you didn’t see me.”
“What happened next?” she asked hollowly.
“I asked you what you were doing. You said you were trying to wash your cuts and blood off between and around your fingers and hands.” Cav winced inwardly, seeing terror come to Lia’s face. “I asked you what happened,” he began, his voice gruff. “You said two men had jumped you and you fought and ran away from them.”
Lia gave a little cry, her hands flying to her mouth, staring at Cav. It felt as if her world had fallen out from beneath her. Cav sat there, stoic, his gaze gentle as he held hers, his hands clasped between his thighs.
He shook his head and reached out, easing her hands from her mouth, holding one of them between his. “These are defensive wounds,” he told her, tracing some of the worst with his index finger across her fingers and into her palm. “I knew whatever had happened to you, baby, it had to be a life-and-death fight.”
He folded her hand between his, holding it, holding her wavering gaze. “That’s all I know, Lia. I didn’t want to burden you any more than you already are.” He snorted softly and hitched one shoulder, giving her a wry look. “But you have that effect on me. When I get around you, my emotions start unraveling just naturally and it takes everything I have to control myself and think about what I will tell you and what I won’t speak about. And I guess I blew it just now.”
Lia sat there staring at Cav. He looked deeply sorry, his mouth pulled down, the corners drawn in, his brows dipping. Slowly, he released her hand and she gripped them in her lap. “Did Dilara tell you about what happened?”
“No. I knew nothing until the night you sleepwalked. I more or less put it together. I don’t know the details.” He took a deep breath. “And you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’ll understand.”
Her fingers tingled where he’d traced her puckered scars in the webbing between her fingers. All she could do was sit there and allow the emotions to roll through her like waves from a tsunami. Slowly, Lia rubbed her face, feeling cold inside, dreading what she was about to say to Cav.
She whispered painfully, “You’ve been so nice to me. You treated me like I was whole, Cav. Do you know how nice that felt? Five years of being stared at like I was a freak or a side show,” and she touched her neck scar. “I was so tired of it all. I tried to hide my scars. I just wanted peace. I didn’t want constant reminders of my attackers by people staring at the scars instead of meeting my eyes…”
Five years’ worth of exhaustion flowed through her, erasing the beauty of the kiss Cav had shared with her.
“You deserve to hear it from me.” She lifted her lashes, meeting his weary gaze. Just talking about this was exhausting her and Cav. There was such anguish in his eyes for her. Not disgust. But caring.
Lia struggled with her fear and pain. Cav deserved to know the truth and it hurt so much to speak about the assault, that it made her mouth dry. Pulling out her plastic bottle, she drank water, capped it and launched into the attack, leaving nothing out.
Cav felt the weight of the terror that Lia felt as the two men took their military knives to her. He boiled with rage as he listened, his white-knuckled hands clasped tightly between his legs. What Lia had done, her bravery in fighting the two men off, was nothing short of mind-blowing. She wasn’t a very strongly built woman, and she wasn’t that tall. Thank God her father had taught her Krav Maga! Knowing that street-fighting tactic had helped save her life.
The sun had shifted by the time she finished, her voice little more than a hoarse whisper, her hands fluttering nervously from time to time. Lia tried to still her raw emotions, waiting for Cav’s eyes to mirror disgust.
“So, that’s the whole story. I know I’m not whole. I lost so much during that fight. Before it happened, I was such a risk taker and I was fearless.” She looked over at him, finally, and saw nothing but sympathy in his eyes.
“I’m a shadow of my former self, Cav. I hide. I don’t want people staring at me. The children…well, they’re curious about the scars, they ask me about them and I tell them a fib. I tell them I fell and cut myself. They believe me, and they love me anyway. They think nothing more about it. And,” her lower lip trembled, “they treat me as if I’m normal.”
Cav had thought he knew what pain was. But he didn’t. Not until he’d heard how Lia had nearly died and bled out. He saw tears in her eyes. “Have you cried since you were attacked?”
“I refuse to cry any more tears, Cav. It’s not helping me. I have to get stronger. I can’t keep hiding like this…”
He roused, reached out, his large hand covering her clasped hands in her lap. “Then let me hold you when you’re ready.”
CHAPTER 14
Lia said nothing, holding herself so tightly she seemed to be shielding herself.
“There are so many people who treat you as whole,” Cav went on quietly, watching her as she listened. “Dilara and Robert. Myself. Your kids. Those three new teachers thought nothing of your scars, either.”
“You’re right,” she agreed, moving her fingers nervously. “When people get to know me, they don’t see the scars as much.”
Struggling to understand, he sai
d, “Then who…or what…made you feel like hiding, Lia?”
Weakly, she shrugged. “The first three years after being cut up, I was an emotional basket case. If it hadn’t been for Dilara and my parents helping to put me back together again, I don’t think I’d be where I am today. I felt carved up, Cav.”
Looking away, she whispered, “I had a boyfriend at the time the attack happened. Jerry came and saw me after the attack and he couldn’t look me in the eyes. He saw all the wounds and he shook his head and left me. He never returned. I saw the disgust, the revulsion, in his eye for me. He looked at me as if I were a monster. And then, two years ago, I got into a relationship with Manuel. I was desperate for a mature, ongoing relationship…I went too fast. I know it was partly my fault because I’m such an idealist. I was just so lonely,” and she met his hooded gaze, feeling old pain renewed. “He showed interest in me and I thought…well, because he made little of the scars he saw, it would be okay as we got more…”
She pushed her fingers through her hair, her voice shaky. “Anyway, how stupid and short-sighted I was. When he saw the others,” and she gestured to her arms and legs, “I guess he began to see me as one big, ugly scar walking around. There was such horror in his face, his eyes. Manuel didn’t want to touch me. He…couldn’t…”
Cav cursed softly. “Then he was the second man to show interest in you?”
“Yes.” Lia fought against the burn of tears in the back of her eyes, giving him a sad, broken smile. “I thought wrongly that he liked me, my personality, that the scars didn’t bother him.” Her lips tightened. “In all fairness to Manuel, I never prepared him for the extent of my wounds, or where they were at. I’m sure it was a shock to him…”
“What did he do?” Cav demanded.
“He reared back. He wouldn’t touch me. All he could do was stare at them…”
Cav sat unmoving. He could see how fragile Lia really was in that moment. “Then,” he said, his voice harsh and low, “he wanted you for only one thing…sex. He never cared about you as a person, Lia. You realize that now, don’t you?”
Cav was desperate for her to see that. It could mean she could finally see both of those men in a different light. He knew very few women could have a night of sex for sex’s sake and then walk away without any emotional attachment. And Lia wasn’t one of those women. Jerry had cut her to her soul with the way he’d handled the situation. Manuel had burned it into her soul that she was some kind of freak of nature and therefore, undesirable.
“I try to tell myself that,” she said wryly. “On some days it actually works. On others, it doesn’t.”
“You can’t carry their immaturity and his selfishness around with you and make it your own, Lia. How they reacted to you, is on them, not you.”
The psychic damage he’d done to Lia was major, and Cav began to understand her shyness, her need to hide her scars beneath her clothing. Jerry had, for all intents and purpose, carved her up with the invisible blade of rejection. The second man had destroyed her confidence in herself as a woman. He watched her feelings play out across her desolate looking expression.
Nodding, Lia whispered, “I know that, logically. I’ve had therapy off and on over the years, trying to deal with their rejection and disgust. It’s one thing to know something mentally, Cav. It’s another to know it here,” and she pressed her hand to her heart. “I’ve just felt so shattered and unsure of myself since then. I came to realize I would never have someone who wanted me for the person I am, not the scars I wear.”
Cav had to be careful. He could feel her frailness. “Have you ever talked to anyone else about this other than your therapist?”
“No… I-I just didn’t have the strength to do it.”
He reached over, grazing her hair. “You’ve told me. That’s an important step, Lia. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are.” He searched her mournful eyes, feeling her yearning for intimacy, and her resistance to scaling the wall she’d built to keep it away.
Lia slowly stood up and moved her palms down the sides of her pants. “Since you’ve walked into my life, Cav, I feel stronger. I guess my confessing all this to you proves that, doesn’t it?”
Calmly, he said, “Not every man is like those two, Lia. I have my issues, but your scars don’t turn me off. I see you. I see your heart, your smile and your laughter. I watch you build those kids esteem. You value them and they know that.”
“I guess you see me differently, then.”
Cav nodded, watching her walk out toward the edge of the cliff. He drank in the shape of her lean, graceful body, understanding why she was underweight. Don’t eat and you’ll disappear. Just another way to hide, isn’t it?
“Well,” he told her proudly, “you’ve made a very brave step forward in sharing it all with me.”
Turning, she looked down at him. “And you’re not disgusted by it?”
“No. I’m pissed off as hell at the two men scarred you up. If I ever find them, they’re dead men walking.”
“Well, they’re out of prison now. I don’t know where they are, and I don’t care.”
“They didn’t get long enough sentences,” he ground out. “They should be put away for life because they altered your life forever.”
She nodded. “Isn’t that the truth? I feel like I live in a prison within my own body. That the scars define me not who I am or what I can do. It’s a special prison all of its own.”
“I wonder if you’d never met Jerry or Manuel, and hadn’t lived through that kind of humiliation, whether you’d be seeing yourself differently now, Lia. What do you think?” Cav wasn’t going to allow her to use them as a reason to stay in hiding from life and love. He knew he had to get her to think outside the shaming experiences and see herself in a more positive light.
She turned, giving him a thoughtful look. “I’m sure I would.”
“Then,” Cav said lightly, slowly unwinding and standing, “why do you give them so much power over you and how you see yourself? They are only a couple of men, Lia, and an immature jerks at best. Why hurt yourself because they couldn’t appreciate you on so many other levels?”
He saw her eyes grow wide as she realized the truth in his words. Cav knew he’d just opened a special door into her vulnerable heart, and he was going to tread lightly. Lia needed to stand outside herself and see herself as he saw her. He saw her as whole and beautiful.
“You’re right,” she murmured. “Why am I doing it to myself?”
“After Manuel? Did you ever try again to have a relationship?” he probed.
“I never felt confident enough to put myself out there to find out,” she admitted, stubbing the toe of her boot into the grass, frowning. “I didn’t feel ready.”
“Had you hidden in your clothing before Jerry?”
“No,” she admitted, “I hadn’t.”
“So why give them so much of your power over you as a woman?”
Lia nodded and studied him through her lashes. “You should have been a shrink, Cav.”
Giving her a careless grin, he picked up her waist belt, walked over and handed it to her. “SEAL stuff, that’s all. We were taught a lot of psychology because in our business, if we go undercover we need to be able to accurately read others.”
“Well,” she said, taking the belt and giving him grateful look, it has helped me.”
Cav wanted to kiss her again, but decided to tug playfully at her hair near her nape. “Come on, it’ll take us a couple of hours to get back to the entrance.”
Rallying, Lia smiled a little as he brushed her nape, feeling a delightful skittering of pleasure throughout her neck and shoulders. Gazing up into his eyes, she whispered, “Your mother must have been an incredibly sensitive person, Cav.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because she raised her son to be that way, too.”
Cav liked that Lia saw him in that light. They swam through a pool, crawled through a tunnel of mud, the bats flying around them from time to
time, giving Cav time to replay what had happened between them this morning. As they came out to the last adit leading them to the opening, he wanted Lia even more.
Her courage in telling him about the attack had stunned him, and he was even more impressed when she told him about Jerry and Manuel. The jerks had done a lot of damage to her self-esteem.
The late afternoon sunlight was trickling through the canopy as they emerged from the tunnel. There were a lot of tourists, children through adults, coming and going from the entrance. As they approached the more touristy areas of the system, the noise doubled and tripled. Cav missed the silence, hearing the cave breathing, and the soft whir of a bat’s wings inches from his head. As Lia joined him, he saw the stress on her face from the noise surrounding them.
It had hit him earlier that his mother and Lia were emotionally quite similar.
Both were sensitive. His mother had been beaten down over time, while Lia had experienced one devastating act and then two more with men who only wanted sex from her. These had beaten her down, too.
Cav desperately hoped that Lia could work herself out from beneath her fears and trauma, unlike his mother, who’d refused to leave his father. He would never understand why she hadn’t left him. She had been brainwashed for years into believing she was unworthy of respect, from the age of fifteen, when she’d had him, until she’d died at age thirty-three of a heart attack.
Now, walking to the SUV, Cav grew alert. The place now had at least ten buses in the lot, with many more tourists milling around. He opened the rear door and handed Lia the small canvas bag that had clean, dry clothes in them. They would take showers at a brick building near the office and get cleaned up before driving back to La Fortuna. He put all her gear and his into a box in the back of the SUV, shutting and locking it.
“Let’s go get cleaned up,” he said, smiling at her.
She laughed, opening her muddy hands. “I’m ready!”
Nowhere to Hide (Delos Series Book 1) Page 17