‘When did you last get a break?’ Betty asked.
There was a lapse in the conversation as Betty gasped and fell back into her chair again and Kathy waited until she was comfortable. ‘Oh, I can’t remember, Aunty. But, do you know, I feel like running away myself sometimes. George had the right idea I think, wandering off from time to time.’ Kathy sat back in the armchair with her hands cupping her tea. ‘At first, things were such a relief to me, if you can understand that. I think I went into a state of euphoria. Does that sound awful? Then I spent weeks worrying about David, but when he came home from Blackpool he’d changed, so I relaxed again. David seems to have resigned himself to his role now. I thought I had, but I’m feeling unsettled again. I don’t know why. Oh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t burden you with all this. I came to cheer you up.’
Betty leant across and put her cold hand on Kathy’s warm one. ‘It cheers me just to see you and hear my David’s doing well.’ Then Betty put her cup very slowly and deliberately back on its saucer and, by the customary pause that came, Kathy knew she was about to get some advice. And so Betty started: ‘You’ve had a rough time of it my love, and so has Davey.’
Kathy wanted to say, and so have you.
There was a long pause again. ‘You’re both still young, and Davey … well, he can make a new life for himself if he wants to.’
Kathy didn’t say anything to Betty but she didn’t like to think of David doing anything that would take him away from her as well.
Betty continued, ‘You’ve got the two youngsters still left at home,’ as if she was reading Kathy’s mind, ‘they’ll keep you busy for years and who knows, Linzi may come back someday to help.’
Kathy didn’t think too much about the idea of Linzi coming home to help either.
‘Why don’t you try to get away for a break. Maybe go to your mother’s for a while?’
‘I have been offered the chance to go on holiday,’ but before Kathy could continue Betty interrupted. ‘Then take it, and I’ll treat you to a new outfit to go away in. How does that sound?’
Betty hadn’t even considered who the offer might have been from and there was no way that Kathy would enlighten her. Then, before she could resist, Betty pulled herself out of the chair, unlocked a walnut display cabinet and took a wad of notes from the inside of an old teapot. She rolled the money up and squeezed it into Kathy’s hand. ‘There… . You’ve got to go on holiday now haven’t you?’
Kathy didn’t know what to say, but was moved to give the old lady a hug. ‘I’ll have a good time on you then, Aunty!’
*
The money was safely bundled into Kathy’s handbag, knowing it couldn’t be returned; to do so would hurt her aunt deeply. Kathy also knew if Betty had any inclination it was a man who’d invited her, she would strongly disapprove. Kathy didn’t want to be deceptive, but felt that there was no way out of this, unless she chose another partner and that would hurt Alan once again.
Poor Alan, he had been so good to them. He’d given them all the physical help that was needed, and in that he’d been tremendous. He didn’t need to give up some of his weekends to help David. He certainly didn’t do it for the money. The paltry wages they gave him were only a token. The emotional help was there too. Kathy knew that with just one phone call he would be around; Alan was as sound and as steady as they come, and he asked very little of her in return.
Alan Marsh was a man of basic needs. He liked his pint of beer, his food and his golf. He had an impressive company car and had inherited his mother’s house in Grange-Over-Sands. He’d once been labelled the most eligible bachelor in Cumbria. But after caring for his sick mother for years on end, time had passed by for Alan, and now with too much weight from too many beers, Alan’s handsome features had ballooned. Nevertheless, he was still one of the kindest men that Kathy knew.
She found herself comparing Alan with George. Yes, George had been fun as a young man and willing to take a risk. His carefree attitude and lust for life had excited her.
She’d first met him at a Farmers’ Ball in Carlisle and was besotted by his good looks. She remembered how tall and slim he was, his skin like David’s, bronzed by the weather. He too had dark hair and blue eyes, which didn’t lose any vitality even during middle age. George had been hard working and hard playing and did everything to the limit - sometimes to excess.
Kathy recalled when they were younger, on a night out with Barry Fitzgerald and Eleanor, George had carelessly turned their car over into a ditch, and as they all crawled out of the battered vehicle, he could do nothing but laugh; never mind that they could have all been killed. This thought then brought back another one that had been lodging in Kathy’s mind of George, and how he’d laughed when he heard that Uncle Fred had died.
*
Choosing the right day to tell David about her planned trip was awkward. Kathy had already called Alan and there was no turning back. Alan couldn’t believe her change of heart and decided in a matter of minutes over the telephone what they could do and where they could go.
Kathy’s mother was also agreeable and said she would have the two youngest children, providing they could be brought to Lancaster. She wanted to see her daughter happy again, and had secretly hoped that she might “take up with Alan in the future,” as she’d told Kathy’s father many times. But she’d thought that this was far too soon to start a new relationship; but Kathy had always been impulsive. She’d been so when she had married George and she’d surprised and worried them all with her choice.
Kathy planned to tell David at morning coffee about her trip. Providing that the milking had gone well, he would be alert and in good spirits by that time of day.
She waited for a fine morning; waited until Silver was better, and then for the tractor to be mended, and finally the right morning came. The only drawback was that Tom was off school. He had a heavy cold with a high temperature and she would have to keep him upstairs out of their way.
The kettle was boiling and she mended the fire; even taking the trouble to put up her hair for she knew David liked it like that, and she waited.
Peering through the small kitchen window into the yard, she nervously fiddled with a strand of hair, knowing he would soon return. David seemed to be in good form that morning, at breakfast time he’d teased Tom about his cold and said he was soft for not going to school, and then sat up in the bedroom with him, reading some of his comic books.
As Kathy waited, she wondered why David was late, and then she heard footsteps in the yard and the farm gate click shut. She ran upstairs to get a better view from the arched window on the landing to see who’d just left, and saw Joanne walking away, down the lane, back home.
Kathy felt irritated that while she’d nervously waited, David had been held up by Joanne. She knew Joanne had spent a lot of time with him recently, especially at milking time, but wondered why she never came into the house any more.
She heard David come into the kitchen and by the time she got down the stairs he was already at the washbasin with his back to her and scrubbing his hands. As he twisted around, he had a harsh look on his face, and without saying a word, he turned his back again and continued washing.
‘Okay, love?’ Kathy tenderly enquired.
‘Aye.’ David was blunt, and carried on washing.
‘All gone well?’ Again, she asked gently.
David yielded a little. ‘I’m sorry. How’s Tom?’
‘Oh, he’ll be all right in a day or two… . Come and sit down and get your coffee.’ Kathy put her hands on his warm shoulders to try and motion him to the kitchen table and poured the coffee.
He didn’t notice her breathe in deeply as she said: ‘I’m going away for a few days… . Aunt Betty’s treat.’
‘That’s nice.’ Yet his voice was cold.
‘Will you be alright on your own?’
‘Course I will. But what about the kids?’
Kathy sidled beside him and touched his arm. ‘Grandma can have them.’<
br />
No reply.
She continued, her hands now shaking. ‘I’m going with Alan, Davey.’
‘What?’
‘Don’t ask me to say it again. It was hard enough the first time!’ She moved away swiftly.
But David sat quietly trying to absorb what he’d just heard: she wants to go away with Alan Marsh! He didn’t touch his coffee, but pushed himself back from the table, his wooden chair screeching on the hard floor and he headed for the door.
Speaking to him like he was a child, Kathy shouted, ‘Where are you going, David?’
He stopped, looked at her and frowned. ‘I just don’t understand you.’ His eyes glared and his eyebrows almost joined above the bridge of his nose as he scowled, and the scar on his lip made him appear sinister. ‘Are you determined to make a laughing stock of this family?’ he gasped, bending down and pulling his boots back on.
‘How dare you speak to me like that … I need a break and Alan’s offered. You had a holiday and it did you good. Although heaven knows why you’re back to these moods again. And I didn’t question what you were up to in Blackpool!’
David saw her trembling and held his head low.
‘You’re only thinking of yourself.’ She angered him once again.
‘Yes, and who are you thinking of? Not Dad, not the kids, not me!’
‘Look, David… . Nobody else needs to know.’
‘Oh, and that makes it all right does it?’
From this moment, the love she’d had for him turned into hate - instant hate. How quickly her feelings had changed with his reproof. She stood and glared at him. His head was held high again and his face flushed with colour, bearing a self-righteous expression. She desperately wanted his approval but with or without it, she would still go, if nothing more than to prove she wouldn’t be ordered around by anyone ever again.
‘Don’t be a hypocrite, David. It’s okay for you to be fooling around with Joanne Milton when we’re all so busy.’
‘You don’t know what you’re talking about, Mother. You know nothing!’ and David grabbed his jacket and, without saying another word, left her standing and slammed the back door behind him.
Kathy, thinking she was alone, stood for some time staring at the closed door. Then she heard a noise and she turned and spotted Tom just leaving, quietly closing the hallway door to return upstairs.
*
Keld Head revelled in being an unhappy place again during that third week in February. David hardly said a word to his mother. Kathy was still anxious for his approval but knew it would never come. She started to prepare for her holiday with Alan and ruthlessly enjoyed a trip to Carlisle to choose a new outfit with Aunt Betty’s money.
David continued to be engrossed in his work, much like a man that had joined the Foreign Legion to forget an unpleasant experience. He had the mentality that thought: If I just work and work, my problems will go away. He didn’t have any other ideas, so he just worked and became numb to all around him. Not caring, not loving, not even hating, just indifferent to everything. The winter had probably got to him as well, and yet with the imminent approach of the spring, he’d no thoughts of better days and warm sunshine. This was despite the fact that the snowdrops and aconites were in full bloom, as carpets of them rolled through the trees. The daffodils would soon be out and their buds were already fattening ready to burst open at the first sign of warmth.
*
Kathy left with Alan one Wednesday morning after leaving the children in Lancaster with her parents. They were excited to be having a few days off school.
When Alan met Kathy outside her mother’s house, he was full of anticipation and his spirits were heightened as she walked out clutching a small overnight bag. She was wearing a red wool suit with a tightly fitted skirt and a thin black polo-necked sweater. Her blonde hair was immaculately tied back and neatly held in a black comb. Her slight figure, still appealing.
Alan felt like a man about to elope, but knew he must keep his promise and honour her reputation and not spoil their friendship. But there was a thought deep inside him, a hope that she might change her mind and that this could be the start of a closer relationship. And, as he sat beside her on the train, he wanted people to believe she was his wife, for he noticed she was still wearing her wedding ring.
As for Kathy, at that moment, she didn’t care what anybody thought, she was happy just to be with Alan and experience the safety of his company, and she guessed how he would be feeling. She knew she looked good today. Putting on her make-up and dressing that morning, she had taken more than the usual care; in fact more than she’d done for years. There was no farewell kiss or loving embrace from David, and Kathy felt like the teenager that was leaving home and he was the aggrieved parent. But, as she sat on the train, Kathy did feel some guilt; not because of her trip with Alan, but because she was leaving David alone.
She’d left several frozen dinners in the freezer for him and if David didn’t eat them, well, that was his own problem. Kathy didn’t even know if he was listening when she tried to tell him what to eat, and when.
David was incensed with his mother and couldn’t believe she was going through with this foolishness. She had almost taunted him with her appearance, knowing this angered him more. He hadn’t watched her leave, but stood in the damp and cold, as the emptiness of the cobbled farm yard and its tower and outbuildings enclosed him.
*
That same day Kathy found herself in Paris; she thought it would be Blackpool or St.Annes. She couldn’t believe Alan had brought her here. He’d secretly conspired with Kathy’s mother and Tom, and between them they’d managed to find her passport. She was glad she’d packed some decent clothing and taken care over her appearance, and when an olive-skinned French man sitting on the train, winked at her, she flushed with colour. He reminded her of George.
They stayed in a quaint Parisian hotel. The bedrooms lavishly decorated with blue flock wallpaper and a bathroom fully tiled and with antique fittings. Alan kept his promise and slept in the room across the landing, but each morning he brought her a tray of coffee and croissants, and sat on the side of her bed as they shared breakfast together. They walked by the River Seine and visited the Arc De Triomphe and Sacre Coeur; had a glass of Champagne on a boat on the river and ate in wonderful restaurants. They bought gifts for the children from street-side markets, and, finally, he took her to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Kathy looked out across the Parisian skyline just as David had done in Blackpool only weeks earlier, but their aspects were different: David had changed his mind and wanted to go home, but Kathy didn’t.
‘Are you all right?’ Alan noticed the shine had gone from her face and he put his arm around her.
‘I’m sorry, Alan. This is a bit much for me. I’m obviously not very good with heights, but I want to take it all in.’
‘You are very quiet. I guess you must be missing the children.’
‘Would it sound awful if I said I wasn’t!’ She couldn’t tell him that each flashback she had was always of David; thinking of what he would be doing and how he would be feeling. She knew the little ones were safe with her mother. But David was alone and unpredictable.
‘You don’t want to go home then?’
‘Home … ’she paused. ‘I don’t feel at this moment that I ever want to go home again.’
Alan found her vulnerability seductive and desperately wanted to kiss her, and his arm tightened a little on her shoulder. ‘I love you Kathy… .’
She looked around at him and softly spoke. ‘I know you do, Alan.’ She stood closer to him, feeling his warm breath in her hair, her arm pressed against his body, and she shivered with the cold. ‘Please don’t say any more. Can we go down now? I feel uneasy.’
They walked silently back to their hotel, both thinking of what had just been said. The admission of his feelings were of no surprise and, inwardly, Kathy had welcomed them. Just like David, she craved for the attention and admiration, and was despe
rate to be loved. And like David, she knew she wasn’t in a position to return it yet.
‘Have you enjoyed it then?’ Alan broke the silence.
She took his arm again and squeezed it. ‘It’s been wonderful. Absolutely wonderful! I’m sure this break’s already done me good. You were right … I think I did need to get away from the farm.’
‘Try not to think of the farm, Kathy. Not just yet.’
‘I know … Davey will be doing a good job,’ she said with a hint of sadness in her heart.
As he left her at the hotel room, she gave him a kiss on the cheek. Alan waited expectantly, but Kathy was more cautious. ‘Good night Alan. And thank you,’ and he knew she had made a wise decision.
He’d already let his guard down in declaring his love for her and for the cautious bachelor he was, that was an embarrassment. But he was happy she understood how he really felt and he wanted to be ready when the right time came.
Alan found this parting harder than expected and didn’t go straight back to his room, but went for a walk through the night. He hoped the darkness and the anonymity would hide his disappointment. He’d told Kathy something he knew was true and what he had often thought; something he’d never told another woman. He found comfort in the neon lights and the street bars, illuminating green, red, and blue streaks, as they reflected on the damp roads and pavements, as he walked the busy streets of Paris, alone.
9
THE NARCISSUS
The kitchen table which was normally strewn with children’s toys and piles of ironing, was bare. There was no aroma of coffee, no teatime smells of roasting meat or cooked vegetables. The fire wasn’t lit and the Aga had been neglected and gone out.
David hurried indoors when he heard the telephone ringing. He snatched at the receiver but there was silence. ‘Hello … hello… .’ still no reply, then the line went dead. He mused for a while: that was the third time that day. If his mother had some message for him and couldn’t get through, well, tough, he thought.
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