Heavy Hearts

by Kaemke, Kylie

  “Ready?” I emerged from the closet with a newfound pep to my step. Something about undressing in front of him had gotten me all fired up. It was a rush I had never felt before then. To be so close to someone else that exposed and it actually making them squirm. I found this weird sense of confidence somewhere in those dresser drawers, and I was determined to hold on to it.

  “Ready if you are kid” he reassured me that he still thought of me as a child, but I wasn’t buying it anymore. I could win this game. I would win this game.

  Before we headed out the door I caught a glimpse of Mary dusting the white and gold grand piano in the elaborate sunroom mom had gotten built especially for it.

  “Hey, I’ll meet you in the car. I just want to talk to Mary real quick.” I needed to question her about how exactly it was that Finn was able to get to my room.

  “Don’t keep me waiting too long,” he ordered in a wily way.

  I watched him walk out the door, all smiles, and then once he was past the threshold my grin turned to a scowl as I darted my eyes in her direction.

  “Mary!” I shouted in my most convincing stern voice, but it didn’t fool her. She just coyly smiled at me knowing exactly what it was that she had done. “I wasn’t even out of bed yet. How could you just let him up to my room?” I interrogated.

  “Dear, he’s a very nice boy. He told me a little bit about what happened last night and he wanted to see you. I knew if I came up to get you that you would refuse to come down, since you know… you’re so stubborn and all,” she sweetly replied, but with a catty undertone. Sometimes I thought she could channel my mother well.

  “He told you about last night?” was the only thing I could even think about. What kind of relationship did these two have?

  “Well yeah. Finn comes by almost every day to chat with me. He tells me everything usually, but he was a little more guarded about what it was that you did to him missy” she accused.

  “What I did to him?!” I shrieked. “I admit, I wasn’t the most level headed last night, but he wasn’t all together either. Either way… please make sure I’m dressed and fresh faced before you send gentlemen callers up to my parlor” I said in a terrible English accent as I turned to walk out the door. I could never really be mad at my sweet Mary.

  Parked in the driveway was a very large old yellow Toyota Tacoma pick-up scattered with orange rust and mud. It roared to life as I approached the one blue passenger door sounding like a sick tractor. I climbed into the old truck and settled into the ripped gray leather bench seat next to Finn. The cab smelled like a hard day’s work with a hint of strawberry; I saw a dilapidated air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror. He smiled at me but said nothing as he put the truck into gear and headed back down the long driveway out onto the main road.

  The ride was bumpy. Partially because of the bad roads here in Cherry Valley and also because of the horrid state his truck was in. You could say it had a lot of… character.

  “So, where are we going?” I asked. I wanted to bring up last night. Apologize for the misread kiss and question him about where he disappeared to at the stable. But I decided if he wanted to talk about it he would and for now I could just put the embarrassment behind me.

  “You’ll see,” was the only response I got, followed by a smirk. He was enjoying watching me wiggle while I tried not to fly out of my seat as we swerved around pothole after pothole.

  “Can we at least have some tunes?”

  He responded by flipping the stereo on and pulling his iPod out of the glove compartment in front of me; his arm brushing against my thighs caused me to slightly melt. He handed me the device and said “pick something.”

  I scrolled through the endless amount of music he had, recognizing some artists like Keith Urban, Metro Station, Bright Eyes, and some other top forty picks as well as some lesser known bands. I settled on some Kings of Leon and hit the shuffle button; Sex on Fire serenaded us through the blown speakers. “Good choice” Finn commented. I was mortified, but changing the song now would’ve been in poor taste. So I let it play and hoped he wouldn’t mention it again.

  After three more songs worth of silence between the two of us we finally arrived at our destination… I thought. Finn pulled the rickety truck into the driveway of a sad looking cemetery; full of overgrown weeds and crumbling headstones.

  “Is this your idea of romance?” I said, almost choking on the word romance.

  “Hmpf” Finn grunted. “I guess you could say that.”

  Oh?

  He parked the truck and turned it off, climbing out of the truck he came around to my side to help me out. He held out his hand for me to grab and I took it.

  “You ready for this?” He looked into my eyes and asked with the most sincere voice I’d heard dribble out of his mouth in the very short time we had known each other.

  I nodded.

  He climbed out of the truck and came around to my side to let me out.

  “Okay then. I want to introduce you to my Mom,” and we walked hand-in-hand down a beaten path.

  Chapter 19

  “Hi mom. This is Lucy.” He spoke to a hauntingly beautiful dark gray headstone that displayed a rather defeated looking angel draped over the smooth platform hiding her face in her arms and letting her hands hang limp off the front of the stone. Below her cold stone fingers there was an inscription that read:

  “The angels couldn’t save her

  Because they needed her in Heaven.

  Tracy Haywood

  Loving wife and mother

  October 24, 1965-February 16, 2010”

  Knowing that this poor boy had lost his mother less than four months ago would’ve been some lovely information to have had beforehand. Although how could I have known?

  “Lucy, this is my mom… or what’s left of her anyways,” he painfully said – suppressing the urge to cry.

  “Oh Finn” my eyes began to tear. “Finn I had no idea, I am so sorry.” What else do people say in these situations? Sorry felt too generic and sterile and I so desperately wished I could take it back. I was sorry for his great loss but I wished I had better words to console him with. When I met him yesterday out in the sunny light of day grooming my beloved pet I knew that there was something there; something that he was guarding. I never imagined it was the loss of his mother. My thoughts went to a painful break-up or possibly a rough school year, but this wasn’t something I was ready for. I couldn’t stop myself from crying despite all my attempts to stifle it. What right did I have to cry? I didn’t know her. I barely knew him.

  “Lucy, it’s okay. Really. It’s only been a few months since she left, but I was prepared for it long before she actually passed. Cancer. Stage four when they caught it. Pancreatic,” he explained. The unevenness in his voice disappeared as he gained his confidence back. He walked up to me until he couldn’t possibly get any closer without our teenage bodies pressing up against one another. His rough hand reached up to my face and he wiped away a tear that had fallen out of my right eye. “Hey, it’s okay really. I mean, it’s not okay she’s dead… but like I don’t want you to think any different of me.”

  But how could I not? Just a day before I thought he was a cocky bastard with a broken heart, and then I find out that he was just a scared little boy who lost his mother way too soon. I couldn’t seem to find any words in my fogged brain, so I just nodded.

  “I brought you here to meet her, not to get your sympathy vote. I just wanted you to know that, although I have dealt with this, I can sometimes forget that it’s okay to get attached to another human being. I know that one day I will lose everyone I love, or I will be taken away from them, and I used to let that get to me and I would distance myself from anyone who tried to care. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I can’t let the inevitability of death scare me away from life, and that’s what happened last night, and I apologize for that.” Still holding my face in his hands he wiped away another tear with his thumb, smiled, and pressed his soft
lips against my forehead. It had a calming effect and I began to relax in his arms.

  “How am I supposed to follow up that heartfelt speech?” I asked, attempting to lighten the mood. He let out a deep sigh and pulled me toward him. Wrapping his sculpted arms around me he squeezed me tight, but I felt safe as he whispered in my ear “you don’t have to say anything, just don’t let me scare you away, please?”

  It was a definite possibility that I was the first person he had shared any of this with on such an intimate level (later I found out that I was). I didn’t know for sure, and I was not going to ask, but the way he held me as if I was going to sprint off in the other direction made me feel like he needed me. And maybe I needed him. I could feel his soft silent sobs and I let him hug me until he was ready to let go.

  “Do you think we can just sit here for a bit? It’s been a couple weeks since I just sat with her, and I think the two of you would’ve really hit it off” he finally pulled away to timidly ask.

  “I would love nothing more right now.” I smiled up at him. I popped myself up onto my tippy toes so I could be the one to wipe away his tears now. A smile smeared across his face.

  We settled down in the overgrown grass sitting with our backs up against a nearby mausoleum. We sat for a few hours and I was entertained with stories about his mom, the good and the bad. We exchanged more tears, hugs, and even laughs. He relived the day they found out she was sick, which just broke my heart in two, and I almost lost it.

  “It was a little over a year ago now” he began taking a deep breath to steady his voice. “I was so excited when I got home that day because I had just passed my driver’s ed exam and I had gotten my license. My parents were in the kitchen talking about it, but I was too focused on myself to care why my dad’s eyes were all red. I pushed and pushed them until they agreed to come out and get ice cream with me so I could drive them. Mom didn’t want to upset me, so we went. She didn’t tell me for another week. She said she wanted me to enjoy becoming a licensed driver and didn’t want to spoil my youth. Ten months later she died. I drove the first car in the procession to the funeral.”

  We sat in silence.

  I couldn’t tell you how much time passed before Finn pulled himself to his feet and offered out his hands to help me up as well. “Let’s go” he grunted.

  “You sure you’re ready to go? We can stay as long as…”

  “I said let’s go!” He cut me off. I didn’t understand the sudden bitterness, but I also didn’t want to question it. This wasn’t the most orthodox way to spend a day with a boy; I didn’t really know how to handle it all. I just quietly followed him back to the truck.

  ****

  “So, what do you want to do with the rest of this glorious day?” He asked all chipper again. This boy had mood swings like a pregnant woman!

  “Uhm. I’m up for anything” I replied with a slight shoulder shrug.

  “Hmm, anything eh? Well, I know just the place for that skimpy little outfit you’re parading around in, and in a cemetery no less. You must have no shame woman!” I knew he was kidding, but his words pierced right through me like an arrow straight through my heart. He was right, and I was mortified!

  “Well, maybe if you had told me what was going on, I would have dressed more appropriate” I retorted.

  “Don’t even worry about it. The way you dress isn’t going to be an issue where we’re going” he looked me up and down and licked his lips as if I was a melting vanilla ice cream cone he wanted to lap up. Which I might not have minded.

  “Well, are you going to fill me in?” I wondered.

  “Nope” is all he said as he turned the key and the old truck boomed to life.

  After a not-so-long and very silent ride (not even music) we pulled up to a locked gate with a rusty sign attached to it that read “No Trespassing”. I should’ve known he was going to make me do something illegal.

  “We’re not seriously going in there are we?” I asked. I wasn’t a goody good or anything, but I’d rather not get arrested while I was on summer break.

  “Yes, we are. Please don’t be a prude about it. I’m in here on a weekly basis and no one ever says a word.”

  “Yeah… but…” I tried.

  “No, but nothing… now follow me.”

  He climbed out of the truck and despite my attempts to try and reason with him, he just ignored me and continued on. I had two options. I could sit in the car while he either went on with his plans without me, or got so fed up with me that he'd rush me back home. Or I could follow him and possibly have a fun night, or spend the night at the police station.

  I decided to follow him.

  He held the fence open as far as he could, which was more than enough room for me to squeeze through. All there was beyond the fence were woods. Trees and shrubs as far as the eye could see. I still was unsure why we were there exactly.

  Finn squeezed through the fence right behind me and stood looking proud of himself for getting me to follow him. He took a deep breath of the thick sticky air that smelled of wet moss. Bugs flew all around my head and I couldn’t help but be a girl about it as I swatted them away wincing at every touch. Finn laughed at my childish behavior.

  “C’Mon. Follow me” he grabbed my arm and dragged me deeper into the woods.

  “You’re not dragging me in here to rape and kill me are you?” I asked, only half joking.

  “Now why did you have to go and ruin the surprise?” He flashed a sinister smile. I knew I did not need to worry and that he was just messing with me… but still.

  He must have felt my hesitation because he smiled and said “relax okay, we’re almost there. You’ll see.”

  And he was right. After a few more steps we stepped out of the thick and into a small intimate clearing complete with a quaint little lake that even had a small waterfall. The water was enclosed by a parade of weeping willow trees that let their leaves swim in the water. Tall grass and cattails hugged the rocks around the cascading water in the far corner of the pooling water.

  “This place is beautiful!” I squealed as I knelt down to grab a handful of vibrant orange butterfly weed.

  “Of course I would take a beautiful girl to the prettiest place in all of New York,” he whispered. I couldn’t be sure if he had meant for me to hear it or not, but I did.

  “Thank you” I said.

  “For what?” he asked.

  “For everything. Taking me to see your mom, bringing me here. Just… Thank you” I smiled; He smiled back.

  “Well, don’t start thanking me yet. The sun may be setting, but the night is far from over” his smile turned into a devilish grin.

  I settled down in the soft grass and fragrant flowers, but I guess sitting and enjoying the night wasn’t part of Finn's idea. He faced the water, his back turned to me, and began to strip.

  First he tore off his shirt revealing a body meant for the silver screen. I know I was only seventeen years old and all, but I had never in all my life seen a body that perfect aside from in airbrushed magazine photos. I couldn’t help but stare, and possibly drool a little.

  Without skipping a beat he proceeded to disrobe. Off with the shoes, the socks, and the jeans until he was standing there in a pair of dark green boxers with lighter green vertical stripes. I feared that those were next to go, but he continued to wear them as he walked down toward the water. I sat up as far as I could, but he had ducked behind a bush and I couldn’t see him anymore. My face was red hot and my pulse quickened. What the heck was I supposed to do?

  “Well!” he shouted as if reading my mind. “Are you coming in or what?!” And with that I heard a splash and he was gone from my line of sight.

  I was in awe of the situation I had found myself in. Practically skinny dipping with this damaged boy I had just met?! Could I really do that? The imaginary angel and devil versions of myself sat on my shoulders and fought over what to do. The angel begged me to stay clothed and enjoy the safety and comfort that this field of flowers was pr
oviding. The devil poked her aside and implored me to take it all off and jump in. They battled it out while I stared mindlessly into the rising moon frozen in inexperienced youth.

  The tiny devil must have persuaded the angel because now she too was whispering in my ear “well, at least he waited until it was getting dark, and he did go in before you so you could strip in privacy”. I shook them away. This was my decision, and why wouldn’t I go for it? What was holding me back?

  I was young. This was supposed to be the time that I made crazy decisions like this. Finn trusted me with something so personal, so I knew that I could trust him not to do anything I was uncomfortable with… right? And what was it that I was comfortable with anyway? In my head I wanted to rip off what little clothes I was wearing and let him ravage me, but did I even know what that meant. I was young, and naïve, but I was also maturing day by day and I thought of myself as being wise. Sort of… well, for the most part anyway.

  That night though, well that night I wasn’t thinking with my brain, I was thinking with my hormonal seventeen year old body as I took off my shorts and tank top. I slowly made my way toward the water, kicking off my shoes and peeling off my socks. I stood at the edge of the water in just a bra and panties. Finn stared up at me with hungry eyes.

  “Turn around… okay?” My voice cracked but he silently did as I asked.

  I began to unhook my bra and was willing to let it fall to the grass, but fear froze me in place and I withdrew my hands from the clasps. I could see Finn still had his boxers on, and I wasn’t sure I was totally ready for this boy to see me that exposed. So I slipped into the warm water still partially clothed.

  I swam as slow as I could so I didn’t make much noise until I was at Finn’s back. I gently rested my hand on his shoulder and leaned in, pressing my almost bare chest to his back as I whispered in his ear “you can turn around now”. I could feel his breath hitch and he didn’t hesitate. He whipped his body around and pulled me in quick to press his lips to mine. Hard.