Chapter 26
It had been three days since Gerald Haywood’s funeral. I still had the urge to laugh at the fact that it had taken a funeral to learn his name. Gerald. It tasted funny when I said it out loud. So I didn’t.
After Finn was released from the hospital - with a concussion, a broken leg, three cracked ribs, and a fractured wrist - he went to live on the ranch in one of the empty work houses. With no family to speak of Mary and Mr. Collins resumed responsibility for Finn until he turned eighteen in a couple of months.
Since the funeral all we did was lie in his worn out twin sized bed, barely big enough for the two of us with Finn’s giant leg cast, but we made it work.
He wouldn’t talk about it… no matter how hard I tried to get him to all he did was sulk. I still had no idea what exactly caused the accident, or why he was swerving in the first place. I knew he would tell me when he was ready to, so I didn’t push.
I was with him almost every second of every day, but I found time to sneak away to make arrangements with my father. We decided I was going to stay in Cherry Valley for a while, we didn’t know just how long, but I would go to the same school Finn went to and I would just stay. I had to.
My mother was of course griping about it, but at least dad understood to a point and he calmed her down. She only wanted me to come back because Senior year was when all the fancy events and balls that our private high school had would be, and without me around she wouldn’t have any reason to go and show off to her friends with less successful children; her words not mine. Dad knew that I would be just fine, and he knew that without me something bad could happen to Finn who was already so close to the edge. Besides, I had Mr. Collins and Mary to take care of us, so there wasn’t any need to worry. Having me gone would most likely be a blessing to both my parents.
When I told Finn the news he just nodded, gave me a half smile, and beckoned me to come back to bed with him.
We didn’t talk all that much, but we had a lot of sex instead. How could I turn him down? How could I say no to anything he wanted at that point? Not that he made me feel pressured, or that I didn’t want to do it, but just that he lost his mother to cancer of all things, and he had to watch as his father’s truck turned into his own fiery tomb. If making love was how he needed to get past this then so be it. I knew that things would mend themselves after time, but I still had to try and talk with him every so often.
“Finn?”
“Yeah babe?”
“Can we talk?”
“About what?”
“I think you know”
“Nah babe. I’m feeling ready to go again? How about you?”
That conversation repeated itself over and over again, until one day it didn’t.
I woke up one morning at the crack of dawn to a loud sniffling sound. It was Finn. Crying.
“Finn?” I sleepily said.
He wiped his tears away so I wouldn’t see. “Sorry, did I wake you? I just needed to piss,” he tried to hide his sobs.
“Hun, what is it. Please, talk to me?” I expected him to say no and proceed to pile me on top of him, but that time… he spoke.
“It’s all my fault,” he cried again.
“It wasn’t your fault. Are you crazy? You can’t blame yourself for what happened!” I pleaded him to listen to my words.
“No, you don’t understand,” he took a deep breath. “I made him put his seatbelt on.”
“And your point?”
“The paramedic told me that my life was saved because I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt and I was flung from the truck. I forced dad to put his on, and it trapped him in the car. His neck broke instantly when we hit the tree, and it’s because I fought with him to buckle up in case we got into an acc…” he cried, and I let him. He didn’t want to hear from me right now about how wrong he was. None of what happened was his fault, but he needed to come to that conclusion on his own otherwise he was never going to believe it. So we sat in silence and cried together, my heart breaking for him.
It had been five days now since Finn confessed to me all the gory details of what exactly happened in the truck that terrible night. He told me how first his dad would refuse to put on his seatbelt and Finn had to reach across him to put it on for him. Gerald was acting like a stubborn six-year-old and would fidget in his seat, pulling at the belt.
He explained to me how he pleaded with his dad, telling him “Dad, sit still. Please! Just pass out or something.” He told me that his grown father moaned and whined about how he wanted to drive, that he was fine, he could do it. He pulled at the wheel and tugged on Finn’s arms.
“I lost my temper,” he said to me; eyes wide. Behind his tears he relived the entire scene for me. How he attempted to swing at his own father to get him to back off, and how Gerald grabbed the wheel with a tight grip. He said everything was too quick, but slowed down at the same time. He felt the truck jerk to the right, and he saw the tree right away, but he knew there was nothing that could be done at this point. The vehicle was just moving too fast.
“So we hit the tree, and the next thing I remember is you pulling me out of a bush and pleading with me to lie back,” he sniffled.
Since then he seemed to be heading in the right direction back to a normal routine. He would get up for work, spend some time with me, and eat dinner with Mary and I every night. But it didn’t stay that way for long.
“What exactly are we doing?” He asked me one night before I said goodnight and returned to the main house.
“What do you mean?” I asked in return.
“I mean what I asked, Lucy. What is it that we’re doing? Why are you staying here? What are you doing with me?” His questions hit me hard, like a fastball to the gut, and it was quite unexpected.
“Finn, I don’t know why you’re acting like this, but you need to knock it off. You know why I’m here” I tried to calm him.
“No, actually… I don’t. I don’t need you here. There’s no point. I’m poison… if you stay you’ll just end up dying. That’s what always happens.”
I realized he was saying this out of anger and sadness, and I knew he didn’t really mean it. I tried to be patient with him in light of recent events, but I was still hurt and confused; it was hard to keep the emotions out of my face.
“I know things have been hard…”
“Oh you know?!” He cut me off. “You know that things have been rough? And why’s that? You sit up in your fancy ranch mansion and contemplate your tough life? You think you’re some sort of saint for loving the poor boy with dead parents. I don’t need your pity Lucy Whitten.” He was filled with an anger I could see in his eyes.
I couldn’t pretend like that didn’t sting.
My face got hot and tears sprang to my eyes. I tried to tell myself ‘he’s just upset, be patient, give him time’, but how was I supposed to react to that?
“I-I don’t pity you… Finn I love you,” I whispered, blinking my eyes and letting the tears roll down my cheek. I knew that no matter what I said to him that the night was only going to end in one way, and it would result in a lot more tears then I wouldn’t ever let him see.
“Well. I don’t want it. I don’t need your crappy love that’s just going to wither away and die one day, and I don’t want you hear wasting your life with me,” he said with one breath and a face as hard as stone. I couldn’t see any doubt in his eyes, or any emotion at all for that matter. “I need you to go.”
So I left.
Two days later I was back in Manhattan and my best friends were attempting to put me back together. But all seemed hopeless. I would never be as whole as when I was with Finn. I felt dead inside.
Chapter 27
“Finn… what?” is all I can muster. It takes me a second to realize that my cheeks are wet with salty tears; the very tears I never wanted him to see after that last night in Cherry Valley when he broke my heart into a million pieces. ‘But I’m a stronger person now’ I try to tell myself. No matter how much
loss I suffer, and how much love for that matter, he will always be the one who can bring out the best and worst in me. In my head I think about climbing off the chair and leaping into his arms, but my heart aches when I think of his touch. I don’t know if I can handle him being in the same room right now.
“I’m sorry to just pop in like this… I uh, well I’m not going to beat round the bush. Lucy, I needed to see you. I need to talk to you. There are some things that I need to make right by you” he tells me in the most sincere tone I have ever heard him use. The look of torment on his face tells me that I’m not the only one who isn’t over ‘us’.
He walks over to me and kneels next to the chair. He brings his strong hands up to my face and wipes away a tear. “Please don’t cry” he whispers as he leans forward and kisses me gently on the lips. I can’t kiss back though; at first.
My bottom lip trembles, but ultimately I am weak underneath his touch and I give into him.
“Ahh-hem!” A loud voice pulls me out of my Finn haze and I pull back from him instantly. I don’t have to turn around in my chair to know that it’s Simon. I can just tell.
“Can I help you, mate?” Simon sternly says in his most convincing tone, but with his British accent it just sounds seductive.
“Uh, I could really go for a glass of water, maybe even a sandwich… it was a long drive.” Finn spits to Simon. I can’t help but let out a small giggle, but I know I shouldn’t. This isn’t funny.
I thought I was going to have a problem when it was just Simon and Malcolm in my life at the same time – even though I know I would pick Simon – and now I have Finn to add to the mix. Although, could I really be with him? Simon pushed me away because he thought it was what was right for me, and I think ultimately he may have been right, but Finn? Finn ripped my heart out, stomped on it, and backed up over it with his beat up old truck. Have I forgiven him yet?
“Nah man, I don’t think so, but what I do know is that you need to back away from my girl,” Simon barks; bringing me back to reality.
Finn starts to rise from his kneeling position and he is tense. Not wanting anything physical to go down I quickly get up before him and attempt to push him backwards.
“Alright… Finn, why don’t you sit down and relax. I’m going to talk to Simon in the other room right now. I’ll be right back.” I say calmly even though I just want to run upstairs to my room and shove my head under a pillow; never coming out.
Finn looks like he wants to say something, but at the risk of upsetting me he does as I say and takes a seat. I grab Simon’s hand and drag him into the kitchen; the two of them never breaking eye contact.
“What the hell Lucy?” Simon angrily whispers; not wanting Finn to hear our conversation. I close the sliding doors behind me and walk over to the other end of the room. I don’t even know how to begin to explain Finn to Simon. I mean… how do you do that? “Hey Simon, this guy that I loved once, and possibly might still love, is here and I think he wants to win me back. I could be wrong though. I don’t really know.” Yeah, I don’t think so.
“Simon… I don’t even know where to start” is all I can think of.
“How about you start with who the bloody hell is that sitting in the living room?” His whisper is more like a muffled yell now.
“Finn. He’s an old friend.”
“An old friend? Old friends don’t snogg like that.”
“An old boyfriend.”
“Alright, and what is he doing here now?”
“I’m just as surprised by it as you are. Things didn’t end well between us, and when I saw him standing in my grandmother’s living room I was in a bit of shock. So please, don’t make me out to be the bad guy here. Because first of all, I am NOT your girl, I am nobody’s girl. And second, you just barged in here looking to do the same thing that I’m pretty certain he’s looking to do so you have no room to talk. If anyone has any reason to be upset in this situation it would be Malcolm, but luckily he doesn’t know and doesn’t have to deal with this bullshit.” I finally take a breath. It’s soon taken away though when I hear a voice behind me ask “what bullshit?”
I turn around to find Malcolm standing in the kitchen patio doorway with my cousin Cassie. She looks delightfully pleased that she has stumbled onto something scandalous. “Found this guy walkin around the beach lookin for ya” she smiles and then heads back out the door and down to the beach.
“I- I… honestly. I can’t even deal with this right now. I’m sorry guys, I really can’t. This is all way too much for me,” I can’t help but begin to cry as I push these two gorgeous men away from me so I can run up to my room and be alone.
First I run through the living room to get rid of Finn.
“I’m sorry,” I pout. “I just can’t handle all this right now, I have to process. I do want to talk to you, I really do, but can you come back some other time? Or give me the name of your hotel. I’ll find you when I’m feeling better.”
“Yeah, no problem” he so very considerately replies. Not what I was expecting. I was ready for him to try and fight me on this. For him to raise his voice and demand I speak with him at this moment. But my head is only filled with all the negative thoughts of Finn because I had to force those to the front to get over what we had.
He writes down his hotel name and room number for me on a small notepad on the couch side end table. “I have nothing else to do in this town, so I’ll be there all the time. You head on over when you think you’re ready” he says handing me the pad with his scribble on it.
“I will,” I squeak. I turn away from him and head towards the stairs. But he stops me.
“Hey Luce,” he says.
"Here we go," I whisper to myself.
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.” I turn to give him a look and ask what for, but he’s already gone, so I continue up the stairs.
I climb in bed and I let my head try and forget that Finn is back, Simon has returned, and poor Malcolm is probably so confused he’ll never want to speak with me again. I feel bad for leaving the two of them down there like that. Simon I’m not worried about, he needs to cool down anyways, but Malcolm?
I wonder what Simon may have said to Malcolm after I exited the kitchen. Did they even talk? Did they yell? Did they fight? I think I would’ve heard them if there was any violence going on, so I can just assume that they either spoke calmly to one another, or they just went their separate ways.
I can’t think about this now. All I can do is cry. Too many emotions have passed through me in the last couple of days. Excitement, shock, sadness, rage, passion, anguish and sadness… let’s not forget confusion.
I cry silently into my pillow as I think about Simon, and I cry harder when I think of Finn. Malcolm is the only one that brings me hope. He hasn’t hurt me, and there is clearly something there; or at least for him. But is it only a matter of time before he does hurt me. I cry some more. I cry until I fall asleep, face down in the pillow.
Chapter 28
I sleep through the entire evening. When I wake up it’s nearly nine o’clock and I am all alone in the dark. After having Simon in my bed last night it feels wrong to be alone. I don’t like it.
I pull myself out of bed and head into the bathroom to splash some water on my face before heading downstairs to check on the damage with Simon; considering he’s practically living here at the moment. But when I get downstairs I want to run right back up.
All three of them are sitting in the living room, but before I can high tail it on out of there I’m spotted.
“Lucy, sweetheart, come sit with us,” Simon says ever so charmingly. I can’t run now. So I have no choice.
“Of course,” I politely say as I descend from the top step and take a seat in the armchair the farthest away from Finn and Simon, but closest to Malcolm. If I had to choose right at this very moment, I’d be on team Malcolm, he’s the only one in the room who hasn’t ripped my still beating heart out of my chest and tossed it in the river.
“Well… I…” he stumbles.
“Hold on just a tick Luce, I got farm boy back here so if you want to give anyone the scowls direct them toward yours truly,” Simon smugly says. So I do.
“Can we get this over with? I have a terrible headache and I’m starving” I say sounding annoyed, mostly because I am, but also because I just want to get this moving… whatever it is. “Why are you all here?”
“You.” The three of them say simultaneously. I can tell this is going to be a long night.
Apparently after I stormed up the steps Malcolm and Simon shared some words, and then ran out the door to find Finn before climbing into his taxi. Then the three of them went out for drinks together, talked about me (a lot) and then came back here to ambush me.
“So, the whole time you were talking did anyone think about what I would have to say about it?” I demand.
“Well,” Simon says. “You didn’t really give us a chance to hear what you had to say because you just ran off. We were a bit lost at what to do.”
“And you don’t think I was lost?! Do you know what it means to have the two of you back in my life…?” I look at Simon and Finn; fighting back the tears that want desperately to be released. Malcolm looks hurt. “Malcolm, I - ” but I don’t even know what to say. He may have some deep seeded feelings toward me, but I haven’t the slightest clue as to who he even is now.
“It’s okay Lucy. You don’t have to say anything. I think it’s pretty clear I’m not even in this picture, so I’m just going to go” he gets up from the couch. His head hangs low. “Fellas, it was nice meeting you, and Lucy” he takes my hand in his and plants a soft kiss on my knuckles. “It was a treasure to see you. I hope our paths cross again someday soon.”
Heavy Hearts Page 16