I walk back to my room and grab my notebook. Tearing out a piece of paper, I jot down a little love note with a bright pink pen I picked up when I bought stamps the other day. I like to write to her when thoughts come over me.
Shay,
Do you know why I love you, baby? I love you because you’re pretty, sexy, and sweet. You have long, sun-kissed legs and a mouth that was made for kissing. That’s pretty much why I love you...
I’m just kidding, baby. I’m just staring at all the pictures of us you sent me. Do you want to know why I really love you? I love you because my heart beats for you. Everything about you makes me happy. Your face, your voice, your touch, and your smell give me an indescribable feeling of completeness. You make my heart beat with purpose, baby. Oh, and all those things I said about your sexiness, they are all true, too. I will always love you more than anything. I just want you to know how I feel, baby. I always want you to know how I feel.
Jace
I set the pen down after I draw my best heart with our names in it. I take an envelope out of my drawer and seal it with the letter inside. Shutting the apartment door, I make my way into the bright sunlight. The smog is thick today in the city, making my eyes burn.
When I get to the shop, I see the mailman getting ready to drop off Henry’s mail. I jog up and hand him Shay’s letter. “Can I give this to you?” He takes it out of my hand and continues to walk away. I watch him walk back and place it along with Henry’s outgoing mail next to him before he drives off.
I haven’t been working more than an hour when my phone chirps. Henry glances over at me. We’ve been working on a couple of different bikes that got in a bender on a ride through the desert. I have grease-filled hands when I hear my phone chime again.
“Must be that girl you never stop talking about,” Henry says jokingly. “I take it she likes her birthday present.”
“You could say that,” I answer, glancing over to him with a smirk. He laughs.
My phone starts ringing, and I start laughing. I can’t answer it because I’m trying to put a gasket back on the bike. I hurriedly put it in place and grab a rag to wipe off my hands. Standing up, I throw my head back, getting my hair out from my eyes and pull out my phone from my pocket. Henry looks at me. “A demanding little one, huh?”
“Nah, she never demands. She’s nothing but love.” I walk out to the front of the garage for privacy and find her number that I have listed in my contacts under “Pretty Girl”. She answers on the first ring.
“How’s your work out, baby? Are you working those sexy abs or those strong arms?”
I adjust myself in my athletic shorts, knowing she thinks of me that way. God, I don’t want to lie to her, so I tell a tiny truth, “I’m working on my arms, baby.” Pulling apart those motorcycle parts can be a bitch.
“Aw, don’t work too hard. I want you to be able to hold me on the beach tonight. I can’t have you with sore arms.”
“My arms are never going to be too tired to wrap around you.”
“Yay!” she yells into the phone. I have to take my ear away from it for a moment. Still, her excited voice is another one of my most favorite sounds. “I will pick you up at six. I want to be there in plenty of time to have fun in the sun and catch the sunset with my boy.”
“Perfect. I’ll see you at the center at six.” The phone goes silent. “Shay?”
“I want to pick you up at your house, Jace.”
“Shay, don’t do that. You know that’s not an option.” Hearing her sigh makes me feel bad, but more determined than ever to get the bike that Henry gave me up and running so I can go to her. I want to be able to pick her up. “I love you. Don’t be upset. I know you mean well, but you just have to understand that’s the one thing I’m stubborn about and will ever fight you on.”
“See you at six,” she says in a small voice.
I slide my favorite question to her playfully and slowly. “Do. You. Love. Me. Baby?”
“You know I do. More than anything,” she says with more of her sassy tone. “You. Make. Me. Crazy.” She sighs. That voice always makes me twitch in my pants. I laugh.
“Have I told you that your voice sounds super hot on the phone?”
“No, you haven’t,” I tell her.
She giggles. “Well, it does. That’s the only reason I keep calling you.”
“So… before you were with me because I grew into a stud with a rock hard body, and now you just talk to me because I have a sexy voice?”
“Pretty much. But, you’re really sweet, too.”
“You’re a liar,” I tease her. “You know you’re with me because you like it when I smack your butt, and something tells me you’re going to like a little rough love. You just can’t wait to unleash that sassy freak you’re hiding.” Damn, just thinking about her that way right now…
I start laughing. She’s tough until I start talking about us finally connecting in that way. I can’t wait to make love to Shay, but I’ve waited because I want everything to be perfect for us. This girl is going to be my wife one day, and I’m not rushing what I know is going to belong to me. She means too much to me, but I do love teasing her.
“Okay, stud muffin, go finish getting hot and sweaty. I will see you soon.” She hangs up, and I shake my head as I walk back inside the shop.
WORK TOOK A little longer than expected. I jog back home so I can take a shower to get all the grease off my hands. When I walk into the apartment, I get assaulted with another Grace encounter. It’s already five o’clock, so I have no time for this.
“What are you doing, Mom?” I say when I see her on the couch with a guy. She’s leaning over the coffee table. Looking up at me, she scrambles to sit up while wiping her nose. “Are you fucking serious?” I say with disgust.
She looks at me, stunned. The guy beside her has the nerve to lean down and snort whatever is left on the table. He puts his head back for a moment and then gets up.
“I’ll see you later, Grace,” he says, walking past me. I tightened my grip on my fist. I’m ready to beat his ass. I look over at my mom and shake my head in absolute disgust.
“Is this what you do? What was that you just snorted up your nose?”
“Don’t concern yourself with me, Jace.”
“You’re my mother! I already know you don’t give a shit about me, but damn, don’t you care at all about yourself? Do you have any idea what you’re doing to your body? You’re going to die.”
She gives me the cruelest glare. “Then you won’t have to deal with me anymore. Don’t you think I know I’m a shitty excuse for a mother? Don’t you think I know I fucked up my life? What do you want me to do, Jace? It’s too late for me.”
“It’s never too late to change your life,” I say.
“What do you know about life? You’re just a kid.”
“I’m not a little kid anymore, Mom. I’m almost an adult, if you haven’t noticed. You are so lost. I don’t know who or what fucked you up, but you are the only one that can change yourself. Those guys don’t care about you. They don’t want anything but one thing from you.” I pull my fingers through my hair out of pure frustration. I just don’t get it.
“Trust me, I know exactly what those guys want. It’s the same thing your father wanted from me.”
I lose my breath. She’s never mentioned my father. I look at her with a blank expression. “What did you say?”
“That’s right, son. Your dad was full of lies and promises, and then he left us. He left me. And, you’re right. I’m the fucking fool that let him ruin me.” She hits her chest right above her heart. “I let him ruin me,” she says with a soft, broken murmur.
I can’t comprehend what she’s telling me. What did my father do? Who is he? What did he mean to her? I want to ask her all those questions, but I know she won’t tell me. Just like with her family, she’s only told me little bits, and I don’t even know if those things are true. As far as I know, she could have lied about them, making me think they were
no good, when maybe she was the problem. I will never know, though, because she closed that part of her life.
We stare at each other. “I don’t know why you have treated me the way you have. All I ever wanted was love from you. You’re right about some things being too late.”
“Oh yeah, well, I’m glad I taught you something,” she states bitterly, wiping her drug- filled nose. Her eyes are bloodshot and wide, and I just want to walk out the door and never come back, leaving her here to wallow in her miserable existence.
“You want to know what you taught me, Grace? You taught me acceptance. That’s what you taught me.” My words are loud. For the first time, I can’t help the emotion that runs through me. “I’ve accepted I will never be enough for you… that you have always and will always be more important than me, whatever your reasons…” I say, hitting my chest, mimicking her. “I promise I will learn from your life lesson, and when I have the privilege of becoming a parent one day, my children will be my world. I promise to be nothing like you.”
For a brief moment, her face softens, and then she laughs bitterly. “That’s what they all say. If you’re anything like your father, you will be a liar just like he was.” Tears spring in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. Not for her. She will never get that much emotion from me. Her sadness changes to anger. “That girl that you’ve chased all these years… She won’t be enough for you. You’ll screw up and ruin her.”
“I would never hurt her!”
“Trust me, she’ll wake up. If she knows what’s good for her, she will find a boy from her world.”
“Her world? What the fuck does that even mean, Grace? Love only knows your heart, not your fucking address. You will never meet Shay! You know, so many times growing up I wanted to talk to you about her. I wanted you to know how much she cares for me, what we mean to each other. I wanted so badly for you to see that someone special could want me, but you kept proving you didn’t give a damn.”
She looks down, grabbing her pack of cigarettes off the table next to whatever shit she was snorting up her damn nose. As she stands up, she stares at me. I’m so done with this conversation.
I glance at the time on the oven. It’s already five thirty. If I want to meet Shay on time, I need to start running to the center now. No time for a shower. I wash all the grease off my hands, cleaning up as quickly as I can. Grace walks into the kitchen, pathetically rubbing her nose. As sick as it makes me, I can’t help but feel sorry for her. I will not be my father… whoever the hell he is. And, I won’t ever hurt Shay. I block the entire conversation from my mind, leaving only one thing: my girl in a bikini.
MY CAR IS packed, and I’m ready to pick up Jace. My dad pulls up, as I’m about to leave. He’s cool, even for an old man. He’s dressed in a suit when he gets out of his Tesla. Even though he has a lot of cars to choose from, that one is his favorite. “Hey, Dad.”
Grabbing a Trader Joe’s bag from the passenger seat, he says, “Where are you off to?”
“Jace and I are going to the beach.”
He smiles. “Aw, to be young and not have a care in the world. I do have something to talk about, Shay. It will only take a minute.”
“What is it?”
He sets the bag down. “I saw Adam at the studio this morning, and he said you haven’t been coming in for lessons.”
“Well, to be honest, Dad, I really don’t need lessons anymore. I mastered the piano and guitar a long time ago, and I told you… I even taught Jace how to play.”
“Maybe you did, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still go. You and Adam work really well together.”
“I know we do. I’m just really busy.”
“Are you still writing?”
“Of course. You know I have a lot going on. I have school, and I’m practically on every committee there is. Plus, I have cheerleading. I would like to have some kind of social life.”
“You have a social life. You’re social all day at school.”
“That’s not the same.” I sigh. “Besides, I want to spend my free time with Jace. I don’t get to spend time with him all day,” I say, as Dad leans down and grabs his grocery bag.
“Remember, Shay. You have to stay focused on your responsibilities. Jace is not your priority.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’m just saying… Since you were a little kid, you’ve always tried to see him. Now that you have a car, I just don’t want you to lose sight of what you’ve been working for.” He pauses.
“The center isn’t in the nicest neighborhood. Where does Jace live?”
Oh God, the dreaded question. My parents don’t know that Jace won’t let me go to his house. I stutter on my words. “I-I… don’t… I-I meet him at the center.”
“You don’t go to his house to pick him up?”
“No.”
“Why?”
Seriously, why can’t my dad be like the other dads I know and stick to caring about himself? He’s so involved. I know I should be thankful, but he’s hitting a real nerve with this conversation. Taking a big girl breath, I tell him the truth, “Jace won’t let me go to his house.”
“You’ve never been there?” he asks, surprised. “In all these years, you’ve never been to his house? Not even since you’ve been driving?”
“No, I have no idea where he lives.” There, I said it.
“Don’t you find that odd, Shay?”
“Of course, I find it odd. Look, Dad, it’s no secret that Jace doesn’t come from money. I met him at thirteen years old playing football in the back of a community center with old jeans on and a T-shirt that was too tight. I remember going on a field trip with him, and he was the only kid without a lunch. I could tell he was hungry, so I shared my lunch with him. I’ve watched him walk into the center, out of breath from running from who knows where, so he could see me. I’ve seen him sick with a fever, but still sitting down at a table making me a homemade card for Christmas. So, I don’t care where he lives, Dad. I only care about how he treats me, how he has always treated me. I know I’m young, but I know I love him. Do I wish he would let me go to his house? Yes, I do, but he has his reasons. As for my music, he inspires me to be better, to work harder, and that includes my songwriting,” I say, exasperated.
My dad raises one hand in surrender while grasping the bag with the other. “Relax, Shay. I just asked a question. I know all too well that young love inspires, but I also know if you let it consume you, you can end up hurt.”
“Jace would never hurt me.”
“I don’t think Jace would ever intentionally hurt you, and I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but he has a lot of obstacles to overcome, and you, my dear, do not,” he explains. I shake my head in agreement.
“Steven, I need what’s in that bag if you want to eat soon,” Mom yells from the front door. Smiling, he gives me a swift kiss on my cheek.
“Have fun at the beach,” he says, dropping the conversation and leaving me standing next to my car. I watch him go into the house. I know he means well; he’s just being the overprotective dad. I jump into my car. There is only one person I want to see right now.
WHEN I PULL up to the center, I don’t see Jace. That’s not like him. I park my car and roll down my window, glancing over at the graffiti-filled building across the street. I feel a little unsettled. The center is different when no one is here. A group of guys are gathered around each other talking loudly. My music is on, so I lay my head back and scroll through my phone to check my calendar. I’m super organized with all my different commitments. I have two games to cheer for this week, an Assistant Student Body meeting, choir practice, and a French test.
Feeling overwhelmed, I close my eyes, replaying everything in my mind. Maybe I’ll get out of choir next semester. I don’t really like the songs anyway. I’ll just start going back to Adam and work on my own music. He wants to start recording my songs anyway.
As I’m relaxing, I get a sudden chill. Opening my
eyes, I turn my head toward my window. A creepy guy is standing outside my car. “Um, can I help you?” He looks like a druggie; I try not to look nervous.
Where’s Jace?
“Hey, you got some change?” he asks me. I contemplate hitting the lock on my doors, but I don’t want him to think I’m scared. Clearing his throat, his voice gets louder. “Hey, sexy girl. I know you got a few bucks to spare. You either made a wrong turn, or you’re looking for something.”
Oh God, he thinks I want drugs.
Shaking, I look around wildly, trying to see if Jace is coming. “I don’t have any money on me,” I say in the most unaffected voice I can muster.
“Yeah, right. You driving a car like this, all fancy. Looks like a real nice guitar in the backseat.” He puts his hands on my window, letting his arms rest there. Looking down, I see his fingernails are dirty and track marks are visible as he moves his arms back and forth.
Jace, where are you?
“You need to back away from my car,” I say, unable to disguise my inner panic. I can’t help it; I’m in full-on panic mode. Reaching up, I prepare to hit the button to roll up my window as the man looks around. There’s no one here. His eyes dart to my small handbag lying on the passenger seat. I watch his hand slowly making its way to my door handle. When he grabs it, I fumble for the lock, trying to hit the button.
Oh my God… Oh my God…
Everything happens quickly. The man gets shoved hard. The force knocking him to the ground takes my breath away. Jace is standing above the guy, kicking him as he yells, “You better not have fucking touched her! You fucking piece of shit! I will kill you if you fucking put a finger on her!”
I’ve never heard Jace like this. Never has he spoken like this in front of me. I put my hands over my mouth in disbelief. Fear is rumbling through me, and my heart is beating hard.
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