I give her a pointed look. “What? Designer dresses are made for twigs. You’re far from a twig, Jules.”
“I know, right? Guys love a big ass, and I have plenty of junk in my trunk.” I smack her butt hard. “That hurt,” she yelps, totally reminding me of Jace. I really wish he would call me back. I’m going crazy over here.
AFTER A SLEEPLESS night trying to rid my restless thoughts, I got up early and went to the garage to work on my bike. I have to get it working, and I’m almost there. I only need one more part, and it’s up and running.
Now that I’m finished for the day, I walk back to our apartment. As I get closer, I see Grace standing out front. She can barely keep her eyes open as she hands the landlord our rent. He has a dirty look on his face, and she has a drugged-out look on hers. I stop myself from wiping the back of my hand across my sweaty neck when I get a glimpse of the grease. As I approach them, I hear him talking to her in a raised voice. “I’m getting really tired of this, Grace. Every month you’re late. Every single month. I know you’re on public assistance. I know you can pay it.”
“Is there a problem?”
His old, tired eyes look me up and down. “Yeah, there’s a problem. Your mom can’t seem to pay your rent on time. Maybe if she stayed off the pipe.”
“Excuse me,” Grace says sarcastically.
The landlord looks between Grace and me. She’s now holding herself up in the doorframe. I look at her shaking hands and whip my face back to his. “Did she pay you?”
He waves the envelope in my face. “I don’t know how you deal with this. You seem like a good kid.”
“Don’t talk to my son.” Grace waves her finger in his face.
“Do you even know you have one? From what I’ve seen over the years, this kid has had to take care of himself.” He turns and walks away, mumbling to himself.
I grab Grace by the arm. She’s as light as a feather. I feel like she’s slowly fading. Closing the door behind us, I lead her to the couch. “What did he mean by ‘stay off the pipe’?”
She starts to scratch her face. “I don’t know what he means.”
“Are you smoking something?”
“You know, Jace. You try to be my father, but you know my daddy lost that right a long time ago. I don’t need another father.”
Closing my eyes, I lean my head back to the ceiling. God, when will this ever get easy?
“Where are you going?” I ask when she starts to get up.
She stutters, “I-I have a friend I’m m-meeting up with.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am!”
“You can barely even stand.”
“Stop telling me what to do. Everyone has always told me what to do. Stop telling me no!” She shakes her head frantically back and forth while scratching her arms. She looks like she’s hurting herself, so I stop her.
“Stop it. You’re hurting yourself!”
“No, I have to go. I want to see him.”
“Who do you want to see?”
She stops, and her lost gaze finds me. Quick and harsh, she slaps me against my face. Not once but twice with as much force as she can gather in her little hands.
She stares at me.
“Jason… Ja..?”
“Mom, it’s me. It’s Jace.” My face is burning, but my heart hurts more for her in this moment than it ever has before.
“I just want to lay down,” she says, defeated. She walks away without a word about what she just did. I stand there frozen, not knowing what to do. She needs help.
Needing to feel the sun and to get rid of this stagnant feeling, I walk outside. Reaching into my pocket, I grab my phone. I know what I need—the only thing I need. I start to text her, but I know that’s not going to be good enough. Yesterday’s problem is so small compared to what I just witnessed. My mom is tortured, and I don’t know why. Now I feel like I’ve been torturing the one person that has always been my greatest joy. I need to hear her voice, and I need to tell her everything will be okay. I look at her picture and hit Send.
“Do you love me, baby?” I hear her sigh and then nothing. “Baby?”
“More than anything,” she answers. I release the breath I was holding since that fucker texted me. My face still stings, but my heart is finally beating again.
“I need you right now.”
“Is something wrong?”
I don’t want to lie to her; I just don’t want her to know what happened with Grace. “Yeah, something’s wrong.”
“I’m so sorry, Jace. I had no idea Cole had my phone.”
“I don’t care about that. I just miss you. I need to hold you, and I need to smell you. I just need you.”
“I’ll come right now and pick you up.”
“Pick me up at the center in an hour.”
“Okay.”
“Bring your beach bag. I need to get wet with you.”
“Are you trying to be funny? Because I’m heartbroken over my boy over here.”
“No, baby, I’m serious. I need you. I can’t wait until later in the week.”
“All right, I will get everything together. I love you.”
“I love you, pretty girl.” I hang up the phone and check on Grace. She’s passed out, so I head to the bathroom.
Shit.
My face is red. I hope it goes away by the time I see Shay. But, I can’t worry about that right now. I don’t want her waiting on me.
I GET TO the center in record time. Shay’s not here yet, so I sit on the broken curb and look across the street where all the junkies stand. I don’t know what to think about my mom, but I have a feeling she’s doing hard drugs. I’ve already caught her once, and all the signs are there. She either looks like a zombie, or she looks strung out. She’s constantly drinking and licking her lips, and now she’s started scratching herself. I don’t know what to do. When I was at Shay’s for her birthday, her dad told me if I ever needed help to ask. I don’t want to ask him, but I’m wondering if I should before she dies. I just can’t get myself to do it, though. If he knew about my home life, he wouldn’t let me see Shay anymore. I can’t risk that. I couldn’t survive without that girl’s love.
Right when she fills my thoughts, I hear her car pull up. She has the top down, and the surfboards are hanging out the back. She parks her car, and as soon as I’m off the curb, she’s in my arms.
Damn, she is so pretty. She has all that soft beautiful hair up into a big bun on her head to keep it out of her face. She has her sunglasses on that are too big for her face, but she loves them. She says they will save her from getting wrinkles under her eyes when she’s older. I told her I don’t care how many wrinkles she gets; she’ll still be the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.
“I’m so sorry… I missed you so much,” she says. I feel the tears streaming down her face.
Pulling her face to mine, I capture her lips. As I kiss her, I wrap my arms around her waist, pressing her firmly against me as I walk her backward against the car door. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. I just want to feel you.” Is it possible to love someone this much? I would love to bury myself deep inside her right against this car.
“Come on, baby, before we lose the sun,” she says, giggling as I kiss down her long neck.
“Okay.” I push off her and start to walk around to the passenger side door.
“Nope, you’re driving us to the beach,” she declares, stopping me. I raise my eyebrows. Even though I can drive, I’ve never driven Shay’s car before. It’s not the same as picking things up for Henry in one of his old trucks.
“Why don’t you want to drive?”
“I’ve been in national crisis mode since yesterday afternoon. I need to cuddle up to you,” she says. I look at her intently as she throws me the keys.
“What national crisis did I miss?”
“Oh, you know, the one where the boy you love won’t answer your calls or messages for over twenty-four hours. I was on the brink of calling in the
National Guard.”
“Baby, you are so dramatic.” Opening her car door, I let her slide in and then walk around to the driver side.
“Well, the only good thing that came out of this is I wrote two sad love songs.”
“Two? That bad, huh?” I say jokingly.
Her voice doesn’t sound sassy, but despondent when she says, “That bad. Like complete devastation.”
“I promise to never do that to you again.” I adjust her seat to make room for my long legs. Turning her head to me, she smiles, but her eyes tell me something different.
I hurt her.
I start to put the key into the ignition, but stop. I feel bad that I left her waiting for me, and I don’t want her to have to wait to hear from me again. Grabbing her legs, I pull them as close to me as I can, which isn’t much. She leans into me, and I look at her, taking her pretty face in my hands and wiping away her tears.
“I know yesterday wasn’t your fault. I was angry that Cole was at your house, and that he saw you in your cute bikini. I was jealous that he gets to see you whenever he wants, and I was angry with myself for being upset over something you had no control over. I’m sorry I waited to call you. I could have texted you and said I needed to have a minute to let my anger pass. Instead, I hurt you with my silence.”
“It’s okay,” she says.
“No, it’s not okay. I promise you, I will never shut you out again. No matter what, I will always make sure we talk. No more silence.” I bring her lips to me. “Give me your lips, baby.” I want her to feel my words and nothing more in this moment. “I promise when we have a ‘crisis,’ as you call it, we stand together. We don’t let silence fester. I don’t want my girl devastated.” She nods as more tears escape her big blue eyes. “Come on, the only thing I want you wet with is the ocean waves. No tears.” I wipe away the tears before starting the car. Leaning back, she puts her big sunglasses back on.
“Those are too big for you.”
“I do—”
“I know you don’t want wrinkles. You’re always going to be beautiful,” I interrupt her, pulling out of the parking lot and heading west to our happy place. Shay puts her soft hand in mine, and I feel like we can conquer anything together.
WHEN WE ARRIVE at the beach, the waves aren’t that good, so we decide to curl up in our blanket and watch the sun set. I feel good about what happened yesterday. I know we can’t change it, but I’m glad we worked it out with no damage. At least I know we can get through a fight, if that’s what you want to call it.
“Are you warm?” I say, putting my arms around her.
“Yes, I’m toasty with you holding me.” She peeks up through her dark lashes. “Tell me what was bothering you today.”
“I was just missing you.”
“No, Jace, I heard fear in your voice.”
“No, you didn’t, and even if you did, it was just my fear of not talking to you. I just needed to hear your voice.”
Running her hand over my arm, she begins to rub it and then links our hands together. “You would tell me if something was wrong, wouldn’t you? I know you’re proud, but you do know that you can come to me, whatever it is.”
I stare out into the water. The ocean is so calm right now. Besides our voices, all we hear is the sound of the water making its way to the shore. It’s peaceful and inspiring.
The first time Shay and I came to the beach together I felt free and alive. We ran through the sand and crashed into the water with nothing between us but laughter. Hands held and lips locked, we were just two people in love.
She’s so deep in my heart, and every year that love deepens and grows to the point where life seems impossible to live without her. Sometimes I look at her and think of that very first time I saw her—pink tank tops, ripped jeans, and Converse. I picture big blue eyes and long soft curls. I think about bikinis and coconut sunblock and the prettiest smile I’ve ever seen.
I just want to put everything about Shay to memory. I don’t know why I do it. Maybe something inside me thinks I’m going to lose her. I can’t bring myself to tell her how bad it is at home, because I don’t want her to feel sorry for me. I know her. She will do everything to try to make it better for me—like all the years she brought me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. She has been taking care of me without even knowing it. Whatever I’ve lacked in my life, she has filled every void. But, the most important thing she has done for me is take care of my heart.
“I would tell you, baby, but I don’t want you to worry about the things you can’t control.”
Watching a seagull fly over us, she drags her bottom lip over her teeth. “There is one thing I worry about that I can control.”
“What’s that?”
“I want you to relax.”
“This is relaxing to me.”
“That’s not the kind of relaxing I mean, Jace. I want you to lie back and relax, and I want to make you happy.”
“You make me happy without having to lie down.”
“Okay, you’re just being mean.” She pouts.
“I’m not being mean. I’m just teasing you.” I laugh. “It’s late, pretty girl. We better get going.”
“You’re shutting me down? What kind of guy shuts down his girlfriend’s touch?”
“I will never pass up your touch. Is that what you think I need to relax? I’m not going to lie, baby. That would be really relaxing, but just being with you relaxes me.”
“Um, do you relax yourself?”
“If you’re asking me if I take care of myself, of course, I do. I’m a teenager, and I have a beautiful girlfriend that I haven’t had sex with. By the way, we will never have sex.” I give her a serious look.
In a sad voice, she says, “We won’t ever have sex? I thought you said you can’t wait to be inside me?”
“No, we won’t.” I only pause for a minute. “We will only ever make love.” I give her my low, sexy voice. “Sometimes it will be slow and quiet.” I drag my hand slowly up her bare leg. “Sometimes it’s going to be quick and loud.” I lean over and kiss her hard. She opens up to me as I pull her hair gently before kissing the side of her face. She starts to giggle. “Sometimes I’m going to have to give it to you like all those weird books you read. I’m going to have to go totally alpha male on you.” She rolls her eyes when I lift my eyebrows with a side smile. “But, make no mistake,” I whisper into her ear, pulling her against me, “it will always be love. It will never be sex. I will always make love to you.”
“Make love to me right here under the stars,” she says sweetly.
“I would, baby, but I want you protected.”
“So, are you saying I can get the shot and let you have my body before all those little James’ kiddies get it.”
“Something like that. I don’t know… I think you’d be cute barefoot and pregnant.”
We just stare at each other.
Quietly she says, “I’m ready, Jace.” When she leans her forehead against mine, I breathe in her scent and rub her cool cheeks.
“Yeah, baby. I know we’re ready.”
Her face lights up. “Do you want a big family someday?”
“With you, I want it all,” I tell her.
“Me, too. I want to be a young parent—not too young—but I want to have fun with my kids. My luck I’ll probably have twins out the gate.”
“If they look like you, they’ll be perfect.”
“Since you’re denying me tonight, and you’re making me act responsibly—”
“We’re being responsible,” I cut her off. “Baby, my mom had me at sixteen. I want our children to be the best surprise we could ever have the privilege of receiving.”
“You’re right. I want that, too. Can I just ask for one simple request?”
“What’s that?”
“Under the stars, baby, just like this. The one place where it’s just you and me,” she says. I squeeze her hand. That’s already my plan, but I’m not telling her that. Looking down, I notice he
r guitar sitting on our blanket. “Are we going to play some music, baby? Looks like you got a new case. Were you tired of all those stickers you had all over it?”
She smiles shyly at me. “Did you forget what today is, Jace?”
“No, I didn’t. I was kinda wondering if my girl did, but I just thought with how distraught you were that you forgot about it.”
She gets up and grabs her guitar case. Soft pretty eyes look at me as she hands me her guitar in its new case. “I would never forget my boy’s birthday. Happy birthday, Jace.” Furrowing my eyebrows, I look up as she stands over me. “It’s not my guitar, baby. This is your birthday present.” She sets it on my lap. I just stare at the black case. “Open it, silly,” she says excitedly. When I open it, the first thing I see is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich wrapped in plastic wrap with a pink candle lying on top. It makes me smile. She grabs it and says, “We will get to that in a minute.”
The guitar is really nice and probably expensive. “It’s beautiful… but I can’t accept this. You know I love my heart-shaped sandwiches. They’re all I want you to give me on my birthday. They’re always enough for me.”
“I know they are. This is something I wanted to do special for you. I want you to be able to play when we’re not together. Please don’t be proud. Now maybe you can take some of those sweet love letters you write me and turn them into songs.”
“You’re so cute, baby. Come here.” She plops down next to me. “Thank you, pretty girl. I love it. It means so much to me. I really, really love it.” I kiss her lips. “Now can you sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me so I can eat my present?” Shay grabs matches out of her beach bag and lights the pink candle. “Really, baby? Pink? Couldn’t you have given me a boy color to blow out?” She scrunches up her nose.
“I love pink, and that’s the only candle I could find.”
“I’m just teasing you. I love your pink candle,” I say as she puts my peanut butter and jelly heart-shaped birthday sandwich onto the palm of her hand. Bright blue eyes meet pale blue as she sweetly sings “Happy Birthday” to me. I blow out my candle in a blissful haze. I take a big bite and put the rest into her mouth. “Best birthday treat ever,” I tell her. Grabbing her cell phone, she hands it to me. She holds up the pink candle and kisses my cheek as I snap the picture. God, I love this girl.
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