The Disappearing Girl
Page 21
“What? Do I have food on my face?”
“No, I just didn’t expect this. I normally hate surprises, but this is the best possible one,” he said before taking a bite of his food. Pointing at me with his fork, he remarked, “This is really good by the way.” He chewed thoughtfully for a moment. “How was the rest of your time at the center?”
“A lot of the same stuff repeated over and over. To be honest, I started to get really sick of talking about myself. I found a lot of the girls’ stories interesting, though. It gave me the idea to maybe start an online magazine featuring real girls and honest stories about struggles women in my age group face.” I put down my fork and looked at him in earnest. “A lot of the stuff they went through made me stop feeling sorry for myself. I’ve experienced loss, but I also have a lot to be grateful for.”
“Your magazine sounds like a good idea. Maybe you can hire me. Instead of signing people up for credit cards, I could sign them up for magazine subscriptions,” he said. “Are you going to keep in touch with any of the patients there?”
“I’d like that. I made a few good friends. April was released two weeks before me and mailed me a postcard before getting on a plane for Europe. I have a feeling she’s going to be okay back out in the real world.”
“What about you? Are you going to be okay?” His voice was laced with concern and I was again thankful for the day I met him. The feeling was new to me; I never understood how someone could completely change your world. Our lives were intertwined and I could share anything with him, my bliss and my despair.
“Yes,” I said softly. “I’m going to be okay.”
I was learning every day to let go of my need to be perfect. I had to embrace my flaws and understand they were what made me special. I had more weight to gain and I’d always have to monitor my relationship with food, but the hopelessness plaguing me for months was becoming a distant nightmare.
His penetrating stare brought heat to my face. Before things progressed, I wanted to confess all my secrets to him. I didn’t want him to question my feelings and whether I only said things in the heat of the moment.
I nervously sucked on my lower lip before I spoke. Angus pressed against my leg, and I took a minute to pet him, gathering my thoughts. I’d never put myself out there before. It felt like I was about to free-fall, not sure if there was anyone to catch me at the bottom.
“I missed you insanely during the summer,” I admitted shyly. “I kept looking back at our relationship and wishing I could obliterate every shitty thing I said or did to push you away. When we were together, it didn’t matter how much I wanted to be in my own Hell alone—you never let me. And I didn’t understand why; I couldn’t understand why. I kept thinking you must be some type of masochist.
“After I started believing I was worth something, it became clear. You love me as much as I love you. Because I’d do the same for you. I’d face anything with you, Cameron, because you’ve possessed every last bit of my heart.”
“Jesus, Kayla …” His eyes flashed with a burning need, and I lurched into his arms. “Babe, I love you,” he said. “I love you so damn much.” His mouth melted against my neck and I sighed with contentment. I loved him. I loved him completely, and I wasn’t afraid to give him all of me.
Chapter Thirty-One
Cameron cradled me against him and kissed my hair, telling me he loved me again. Sliding off his lap, I gripped both his hands in mine. My eyes were shining as I tugged him away from the table. Once we arrived in his bedroom, I released him.
“One of the things we learn about in treatment is to have confidence in our bodies. My problems with how I looked not only affected me, they also hurt our connection. Although I loved the things you did to my body when we slept together, there was always my own self-doubt holding me back. I used every excuse to keep you from seeing me completely naked.” I shoved him lightly once we reached the side of his bed. He gamely sat on the edge.
Before I could lose my nerve, I slipped my white t-shirt over my head. Unbuttoning my skirt, I shimmied until it fell to the floor. I took a second to relish Cameron’s expression as he took his time exploring my body with his eyes. Instead of the humiliation I expected when I stood before him in my bra and panties, I felt sexy and desirable.
As I unclasped my white lacy bra and peeled off my matching underwear, I tried to infuse some playfulness into the intense moment. I danced side to side and threw off my undergarments with exaggerated flourish.
My heart was racing, but my head was quiet. To pose naked for the man I loved was empowering, and I was ecstatic to be released from the neuroses that had prevented me from doing it earlier. I pouted and settled my hands on my hips.
“Cameron, this is the part where you take off your clothes,” I said with exasperation.
He leaned back, resting on his elbows. “Hell no, I’m enjoying the view way too much. Could you do a few more of those dance moves?”
I was mesmerized by the way he ran his gaze over every inch of my skin. He took his time, but his tight grip on the edge of the bed told me how badly he wanted to touch me. My palms sank into the bed as I kneeled above him. My hair fell in front of my face as I positioned my mouth within inches of his lips. He sucked in a shaky breath.
His arms curled around me and his hands cupped my behind. I pressed my breasts against his chest and he fell back flat on his back. My hands tugged urgently at his shirt and he reached his arms up while I peeled it off of him.
As our mouths came together, I was burning up from the inside out. His mouth was warm and his tongue collided with mine. Our kisses were reckless, our lips moving in a frenzy, not able to get enough of one another.
“You … are … incredibly …beautiful,” he panted out between kisses, his mouth then trailing from my ear along my jaw line.
My hand clutched his hair and his chin tilted up, allowing me better access to his neck. I ran my tongue over his skin, relishing the delicious masculine taste of him. He groaned as I dragged my mouth down the front of his bare chest. I pressed butterfly kisses over the hem of his pants, sneaking a glance at his black boxers peeking out of his waistband.
His hands reached under my armpits and yanked me away from the button of his pants. “I need to feel you right now. If I’m not inside of you within the next thirty seconds, I’m going to start believing this is just one crazy intense dream.”
I nodded without taking my eyes off him. I didn’t want to close my eyes and risk missing a second of the most erotic experience of my life. His hand covered mine and guided me to the buckle of his belt. After I unfastened his pants, he pulled them off, leaving him clad only in his boxers. As he pulled me tightly, I could feel how ready he was to be inside me.
He apparently wanted the same assurance from me and I moaned as his fingers entered me. I tossed my head back and moved against his fingers. His free hand roamed over my breast, his thumb sliding over my nipple.
“Kayla, look at me,” he said urgently. I forced my gaze back to his as he continued to do things to my body that were inciting raw need inside of me. “I love you. I love seeing you like this and knowing I can do this to you.”
I couldn’t form a coherent answer. All I could manage was “I love you” before sensation took over. I held back until he removed his boxers and slipped on a condom. He felt right inside me, as if he was filling up the empty space I’d always suspected was there.
We finished together, our eyes locked the entire time. It was raw and intense and I fantasized about doing it again and again until our bodies were completely spent. That was what had been missing the entire time between us; loving one another with abandon.
Afterward, I curled into his side and he brushed the hair away from my eyes. I rested my chin on his chest and smiled at him. He craned his neck and kissed the tip of my nose.
“Not to inflate your ego or anything, but that was … wow,” I murmured.
“I’m not going to lie. I’m feeling very manly right now after s
eeing how hot I get you.” His teasing tone caressed my ears and I closed my eyes.
I could have stayed that way forever: loving him, being loved by him. I might never be perfect, but I fit perfectly with him.
Chapter Thirty-Two
“Kayla, when you said we should visit your father, I was figuring you meant we were going to the cemetery,” Cameron said as I parked my Jeep. Without a reply, I jumped out and walked around to the back of the car. After opening the trunk, I handed him two fishing poles. I carried the tackle box while using my free hand to slam the trunk close again.
Cameron was close on my heels as I stomped over the graveled parking lot. “I thought the only reason I never went to the cemetery was because I refused to accept my dad’s death. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized he wouldn’t be there. My dad hated cemeteries as much as I did. If I wanted to be close to him, I should go somewhere he loved.” I motioned to our surroundings. “This lake was my dad’s favorite fishing spot. Lila and I have been coming here since we were babies.”
Cameron stopped and took time to appreciate the surroundings. It was a small, secluded lake shrouded from the nearby highway by a line of towering pines. There was a small beach where Lila and I would wade while my dad casted nearby. We would bring a picnic lunch and run and swim for the day. I did a quick scan of the perimeter. “I only see a couple of anglers across the lake, so we’ll stay on this end. Since it’s the end of August, we’re fishing for bass. Trout season doesn’t start until the end of the month.”
He cocked his head and grinned at me. “Did I ever tell you how sexy it is to hear you talk like a middle-aged fisherman?”
I playfully shoved him. Then I reached into my beach bag to pull out a picnic blanket. “We could set up here.”
Once we’d unloaded the fishing gear, I reached out for his hand and squeezed it. “Thanks for coming with me today. I wanted to remember the fun I had with my dad and not dwell on the bad stuff.”
“I wish I could’ve met him. I’d like to thank him for having such an incredible daughter.” Without fail, Cameron would say something utterly perfect and remind me again why I fell in love with him.
“He’d be a huge fan of yours. Besides the fact you’re a lover of dogs and cars, you would win him over with how you treat his daughter like a princess.” My chest tightened momentarily, but I’d learned to allow myself to grieve for my dad instead of rejecting my feelings.
After a minute, Cameron broke the silence. “I got a call for an interview next week. The position is for an assistant in the HR department of a consulting firm.”
I squealed. “That’s amazing! I thought you only sent out your resume a few days ago. That must be a good sign if you’re already getting calls.”
Cameron wanted to eventually have his own business, but he acknowledged the goal was likely to be years away. In the meantime, he only wanted to find a job where he didn’t feel the urge to turn to hard liquor to get through most days.
“You’ll have to help me brush up on my interview skills.” He shot me an overzealous grin. “Hi, I’m Cameron Bennett, and if you hire me it’ll be the best decision you ever made for this company.”
I bumped my hip against his leg and giggled. “You’re interviewing for a job, not trying to sell a used car.”
“Okay, I’ll try to bring it down a notch. I don’t want to reek of desperation,” he said.
I sat on the blanket and Cameron squeezed next to me. I rested my head on his shoulder and watched the sun reflect off the surface of the still water. I brought my father’s face to my mind and welcomed his presence. Maybe he was with me, watching out for me. Since meeting Cameron, I had started believing in fate. And maybe my father had a hand in bringing an incredible guy into my life.
“I was thinking …” Cameron started uncertainly. At my questioning look, he continued, “I was thinking of seeing my mom. You know, my real mom.”
“Oh?” I prompted gently. His relationship with his mother was a landmine I had to tread carefully over. Thinking of the cavernous hole she had left in her son’s heart made me resent her. But I also understood Cameron would have that pain to carry with him until he dealt with the past.
“I do have a lot of pent-up shit I want to say to her. And you were right. I’m not over everything. My dad gave me these books of hers she left behind and that’s how I found the Vonnegut passage. I read those books over and over again, trying to get inside her head, trying to make sense of why she made the decisions she did.” I gripped the hem of his shirt and moved the fabric away to reveal his tattoo. I stroked it as he continued to speak. “So, it’s probably going to suck and be awkward, but I was hoping you’d come with me when I see her.”
“Of course,” I said. His head tilted toward me and he kissed me gently. “I love you.” I hadn’t been able to say it for ages, but the words kept slipping from my lips as if my heart was trying to make up for all the time it had been closed off.
“I love you,” he said. “But I still plan to catch a bigger fish than you.”
“Want to bet on it?” I challenged. “Loser has to clean and filet the day’s catch.”
“Fine, you’re on,” he agreed.
As we started preparing our lines, I peeked at him. His blue eyes were filled with mischief and he was trying to hide an ecstatic smile. His attitude was contagious, and I found myself beaming. His movements were confident and strong, and the way he held himself was sexy as hell.
He was it for me. He didn’t cause a mere fluttering in my belly, he ignited explosions. I was lucky to be with a guy who not only loved me, but who also helped me appreciate my body again. Instead of despising what was on the outside, I found myself daydreaming over what Cameron would do at night to my body.
Having an eating disorder was an ugly thing, but I had survived it. I didn’t become a tragedy, a warning to girls of what happens when you starve yourself for beauty. At the end, I’d chosen love.
And each time I stumbled, each time I felt the urge to deny my body what it needed to be healthy, I would remind myself of that choice.
The End
For questions or recovery assistance:
National Eating Disorders Association
1-800-931-2237
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
Acknowledgments
My husband Bryan, my love and my everything, I wouldn’t be who I am without you.
My children, your love is always my biggest inspiration.
Lynn, a fabulous editor who has helped me become a better writer.
My parents and sisters, thanks for your awesomeness and allowing me to put parts of you in my novels.
To the rest of my friends and family, I love you all and will be eternally grateful for how much you’ve helped me succeed.
To Jo, thanks for your work on the book and for always be a supporter for aspiring and indie writers.
About the Author
Heather Topham Wood’s obsession with novels began in childhood while growing up in a shore town in New Jersey. Writing since her teens, she recently returned to penning novels after a successful career as a freelance writer. She’s the author of the paranormal romance Second Sight series and the standalone The Disappearing Girl.
Heather graduated from the College of New Jersey in 2005 and holds a bachelor's degree in English. Her freelance work has appeared in publications such as USA Today, Livestrong.com, Outlook by the Bay and Step in Style magazine. She resides in Trenton, New Jersey with her husband and two sons. Besides writing, Heather is a pop culture fanatic and has an obsession with supernatural novels and TV shows.
Follow Heather on Facebook, Twitter and her blog to keep posted on her upcoming works:
https://twitter.com/woodtop255
http://authorheather.com
https://www.facebook.com/HeatherTophamWood
Table of Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
; Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Acknowledgments
About the Author