by M. R. THOMAS
Abbie felt anxious and panicky, a sense of tension rising within her. This is not nice she thought, why this and why now?
She sat up and looked around the room and, peering through the darkness, she thought she saw a humanoid shape standing between the wall and the dressing table. It was still and did not move as she looked; she was certain its eyes were open and gazing at her. She froze in the bed, tension giving way to fear and chilling her to the bone. Moonlight was illuminating part of the room through the thin curtains and Abbie then realised that sitting up she was half naked, so she pulled the covers up to her chin.
She took a deep breath, recalling what Isaac had said to her.
“What do you want?” Abbie asked. It did not respond or move.
“What do you want with me?” She said again.
In response, the creature in the shadows rose up on its haunches as though it had been crouching, watching her, and it stepped towards her.
Abbie’s heart pounded as the adrenaline surged through her. She was terrified and was frozen to the spot where she sat in the bed.
She asked again, her voice now quivering with emotion
“What do you want?”
The creature took another step forward; it had now covered half the distance between the wall and where Abbie sat in her bed. It was now standing on the edge of the moonlight coming in through the window, and she could see it in the half light. She was sure it was the same creature as before, its piercing dark eyes that seemed blank and empty, human-like features, and muscular build with short legs.
Its gaze never moved from her, and she again noticed its gnarled, erect penis was twitching between its legs.
Then it opened its mouth, as though to speak, and a noise emanated from it that sounded from another world, a sound so low and terrible it made Abbie physically shiver.
Whatever it was trying to say was unfathomable, but it made two short and separate sounds which it repeated and then stopped.
“What do you want?”
It opened its mouth again and the sound emerged: “El…ith, El…ith”, then the sound seemed to change to “ill… ith”.
“What do you want?” demanded Abbie again, her voice sounding somehow stronger and more confident due, she realised, to her mounting sense of anger.
The noise came again: “ill…ith, ill…ith”
“Lilith” said Abbie, as she tried to make sense of the strange, guttural noise “Lilith, did you say Lilith?”
The creature took another step closer; it was now at the end of the bed fewer than five feet away, the moonlight exposing more of its grotesque features.
It seemed to compose itself, as though it had not spoken in a very long time, and was only now remembering how. It took its time, as though forming the words in its mind before uttering them, and when it opened its mouth this time the word it spoke were unmistakable.
“Lilith”.
With a raised hand it pointed at Abbie and repeated “Lilith”.
In the next moment as Abbie reached over for her bedside lamp, she caught her hand on her glass of water knocking it over, and she turned her gaze away as looked for the lamp and flicked on the switch; in the few brief moments between darkness becoming light the creature had vanished, and Abbie was alone in her bedroom.
Lilith? What on earth is this about? She wondered as she lay down under the bed covers and tried to calm herself enough to sleep again.
When Abbie next opened her eyes, it took a while for her to recognise her surroundings: she was in her bedroom, it was warm and her beside lamp was still on, the clock next to her reading 06.55.
She gathered her thoughts, telling herself that what had happened had in fact been a dream. She looked around the room: everything was in its place, nothing was disturbed and she realised more importantly, there was nothing at the end of the bed staring at her.
She sat up, her mind feeling dazed in a kind of foggy recollection of the dream she’d experienced. It had been so vivid, so life-like. Although physically she felt all right, she even pulled back the bedclothes to check that she had in fact experienced no harm; as she expected, there were no marks or bruises anywhere apart from in her mind.
Abbie knew any further sleep was now beyond her so decided to get up. She was coming to terms with the fact she had only experienced a dream rather than actually coming face to face with that creature she thought she had seen in her house. She remembered that in the dream, it had tried to speak, but now she couldn’t recall what it had tried to say.
As she sat on her bed, she didn’t feel fear, as she had done in the dream, but a real sense of curiousness to try to understand what this might mean. In the back of her mind was the thought that understanding this might be significant for her. She had no idea why, but felt she had to find out.
As Abbie got up off the bed, she saw that her glass of water had been knocked over onto the floor. She remembered that it happened in the dream when she reached for the light switch, so she had lashed out in her sleep, she decided, that’s not uncommon when dreams seem very real. She thought she must have forgotten to turn off the bedside lamp.
As she put her dressing gown on she reassured herself, Yes it was only a dream.
…………………………………………………………..
Generally for Abbie, the days now often seemed to merge into one. She easily lost track of time and regularly forgot things far too easily. She checked her diary and saw that her appointments with the doctor and the counsellor were approaching, so she wrote them on the kitchen calendar as a visual reminder.
Abbie tried to recall more of that dream, but it seemed the harder she tried the less she could remember. She wished she could remember what had been said to her but she couldn’t bring it to mind, and the more she thought about it, the more important this piece of information seemed to become. She didn’t know if she was maybe barking up the wrong tree, but she had to try to work it out.
Outside the skies were dark and overcast, and clouds hung perilously low threatening a downpour. Abbie sat in her lounge by the window drinking tea, deep in thought. She watched people pass her house, starting their days. She wondered what her day held for her, mysteries or pleasures?
She thought that so much needed her attention, all sorts of issues with her life, but she found she lacked any sense of purpose or motivation, and besides even though she felt she ought to do ‘stuff’, she couldn’t exactly think what, if anything, needed such urgent attention.
She sighed deeply. She felt trapped between these two lives and types of existence; one foot on the earth, and one foot in the astral dimension, destined to live between the two and a full resident of neither, getting a taste and a glimpse of another life but not being allowed to enjoy fully.
The next time Abbie looked at the clock it was late morning and the hours had again slipped by. She felt again that there were things she should be doing, but again couldn’t quite decide what exactly. She noticed the dark skies had cleared and all the ground was very wet. Abbie realised she had not even noticed it raining.
Changing her clothes quickly, Abbie gathered herself together and jumped in the car to visit her mum. Rose as ever was delighted to see her, but surprised at the unannounced arrival.
“Come in love, lovely to see you” she said, kissing her.
“Thanks mum, just needed some company”.
“Anything the matter?”
“I had a bad night, a nightmare, it was a bit disturbing and the feeling is kind of lingering this morning that’s all, but the whole morning has just passed by without me noticing. So I’m here, cheer me up?”
“Of course, anytime”, said Rose hugging her.
Rose felt that Abbie’s embrace was tighter than usual, more determined, needier.
After tea and sandwiches, Rose suggested to Abbie that she could tell her the dream if she wanted.
Abbie took care with the words she chose, describing waking up, what she had seen, her sense of terror and
that the creature had tried to speak to her, but she couldn’t recall what was said.
“It sounds like a typical nightmare if you ask me” said Rose, “and yes, the feelings can stay with you, but you did right in getting out and not being alone”.
“I’m back at the GP’s the day after tomorrow, will you come with me?”
“Yes love, of course I will”
Rose paused before speaking again “Can I ask you, any thoughts about going back to work?”
“No, it never enters my head unless someone mentions it, and to be honest, today makes me think I’m not ready if I can get so disturbed by a dream. Doesn’t seem like my brain is in gear yet”.
“Well, until both you and the doctor think you’re ready the main thing is that you focus on yourself, getting back to normal things again. I was wondering,” said Rose, “maybe a break for a few days away from here would do you good for a while, have you considered it at all?”
“No I haven’t, never entered my head.”
“Well maybe you should think about it, it might do you the world of good, and if you want company I’d come with you, you know that, but maybe time on your own if you wanted”.
“It’s a good idea mum, I’ll think about it, maybe after my next appointments with the GP and then the counsellor”. In saying this Abbie knew that wherever she went she would be able to go to Peter, he was ever only a short distance away.
After a few hours with her mum, she decided to do a few bits of shopping on the way home. The supermarket where she had felt unwell that day didn’t seem too bright and, although there were lots of people, they didn’t seem too close either. She took a basket and walked the aisles, pleased that she felt OK with no sense of rising heat, no difficulty breathing, no palpitations. While this made her feel more confident, she so hoped that she wouldn’t see anyone she knew who would want to stop and talk to her; she didn’t feel up to this yet.
Back home Abbie decided that she would not to run today. Surprisingly that dream had put her off somehow, and besides she thought, the extra rest would help her legs and muscles. She would exercise tomorrow and run the hill; it had been a while and she remembered her goal to get to the top.
By early evening, Abbie was feeling a little hungry so made herself some scrambled eggs on whole-wheat toast while she listened to some classical music. To her surprise she was hungrier than she expected, devouring all the food she had prepared. She decided to have an early night, to be warm and comfortable in bed and then go to Peter, and she hoped to wake with fresh memories in the morning.
Abbie relaxed in the warm water of the shower, yet despite racking her brains all day she couldn’t remember what the creature had said in her dream.
Then suddenly, as though a switch had been thrown in her mind, a name came to her in an instant.
Daphne.
That’s it, she thought. It had been a female name, but Daphne did not somehow feel right. She was convinced then it was something of an unusual name, but if not Daphne, what?’
She had never known anyone by that name, in fact she remembered with fondness the only Daphne she had ever known of was from the American TV show ‘Frasier’ that she and Peter used to watch repeats of on satellite TV. She loved it, and they both never tired of the characters or the classic humour. Daphne was the housekeeper/ physical therapist of Frasier’s father.
So if it wasn’t Daphne then maybe it was associated with another female in the programme, she thought as she tried to recall the other main female characters: Roz, Mel, Maris, although Maris was never actually seen. Then there were Frasier’s many ex-girlfriends from his endless search for love: Charlotte was the one he went to Chicago for at the end of the programme, and there was also Fay, Cassandra, Laura, Claire, Poppy, and Megan from across the hall. Abbie smiled as he recalled that Frasier always used to announce ‘maybe this one will be the one.’
None of these names rang true with her, but then she recalled the name of Frasier’s ex-wife from Boston and she knew immediately it was that name - Lilith.
Now she had no doubt of the name the creature had uttered as it pointed at her – it was Lilith. She even recalled the difficulty with which it had spoken. But why? She thought. What significance to her was the name of Lilith and above all, why had it mistaken her for someone else?
Later on, lying in bed comfortable and warm, Abbie relaxed and let her thoughts drift. As she did so, she felt that the word the creature in the dream had spoken to her was somehow so significant that she had to understand more.
As she concentrated and focused all her energy and mind on leaving her body, she again entered the realm of bright and golden light, and reached Peter’s physical embrace. She willed herself that this time she would stay with him a long, long time.
In the morning, just as she had wished, Abbie woke up feeling as though she had been with Peter all night; his presence in her mind was so strong. She felt that he understood the difficulties she faced, but as ever in his quiet and supportive manner, he was there for her as much as possible considering the gap that existed between them.
As in her physical reality, sometimes love such as she’d experienced was just known and implicitly understood, it didn’t have to be spoken or proved by anything, it just existed. That was how she felt now, secure in his love. She realised but couldn’t determine why it had been a few visits since they had last made love in the spiritual realm; a natural process, she thought, just as it had been in their physical life together. She wanted and needed him, and she hoped it would be soon.
Abbie was warming to her mum’s idea about getting away for a few days, away from recent disturbances and where she could be anonymous and spend time with Peter.
In visiting the astral dimension there had been no answers as to what recent events or her dreams meant. She didn’t make any mention of it or the name Lilith. She didn’t wish to upset Peter, or concern him; she hoped that she hadn’t given off any vibes of sadness, and had assured him she would be back to him soon.
To Abbie’s surprise, her appointment with the doctor was relatively straightforward, the doctor telling her that she looked better since their last meeting.
Rose sat close by smiling, her handbag on her knee. Abbie described how she had been: some days good, others she explained continued to be difficult. She said that the first of her counselling sessions had been useful and that she was due to go back again the next day. Abbie also admitted that, overall she was uncertain about her future, but was trying to live one day at time.
The conclusion of the consultation was that progress was being made, but further recuperation was needed. The GP provided Abbie with another sick note for a further two weeks, and told her to come back again for another appointment. Abbie said that she would, thanking the doctor, and she left feeling better than when she entered the surgery.
Over a cup of tea and cake in a coffee shop, Abbie told her mum that she’d decided she would go away for a few days, but that she wanted to be alone.
“That’s fine love, where will you go?”
“I haven’t decided yet” responded Abbie “I’ll go in a couple of days after my next counselling session, maybe Cornwall, or Northumberland, and get a B&B for a few nights somewhere a bit remote, nice countryside where I can be anonymous, but I’ll let you know wherever I end up”.
Rose smiled, “well, enjoy yourself, it will do you good”.
“I will I promise, and I’ll ‘phone too”.
“You better had!” said Rose, and they both laughed.
Abbie looked at her mum, “It came to me last night, my dream, remember that I said this creature spoke to me?”
“Yes”.
“Well I remembered what it said; it sounds crazy, but it called me ‘Lilith’”.
“What, the name?”
“Yes exactly, pointing with its finger”.
“Did it glow like in ET?” Smiled Rose.
“It sounds mad doesn’t it, but it left me with a really strange feel
ing”
“Well dreams can, and they don’t make much sense most of the time, your father used to call dreams TV for sleepers! Don’t let it worry you, it means nothing, besides you don’t even look like a Lilith!”
Abbie smiled.
…………………………………………………………….
In the early afternoon Abbie decided to go running; she did two laps of the park as a warm-up and then went to tackle the hill. The two laps of the park had lasted maybe 10 – 15 minutes, and she recalled how when she started running this had been a struggle for her, but now it simply flew by. Today she felt as good as any day, but she knew from bitter experience that the hill had the ability to sap strength from her legs in an instant; she was under no illusions as to how hard it would be.
Once out of the park, Abbie headed up the narrow path, as she had done several times previously. This time of year the ferns were turning brown and golden and they glistened in the light. She focused on one step at a time, keeping her head up, concentrating on the distant prize of the top of the hill, and occasionally having to look down at her feet to avoid stumbling on rocks and undulations in front of her.
Trying to keep her breathing regular and deep was difficult and she felt her heartbeat accelerating and pounding in her chest as the incline gradually steepened, so she leaned into the angle of the hill, her thighs beginning to feel heavy and tight as lactic acid accumulated in her limbs.
As her breathing became more laboured, her pace slowed significantly; it was now hurting and she could feel the energy falling away from her, each step took more effort, and the distance covered with each step was getting shorter.