by Faye Sonja
“Yes, and since it dried up this land has been unable to grow enough to keep us comfortable. What little it does grow cannot stretch that far and my parents have debts. So believe me when I say that anywhere is likely better than here.”
Again the silence that rang out around them was heavy but he took solace in the fact that her thoughts mirrored his. The struggle in these parts were very real and neither one of their families could survive such a struggle anymore.
* * *
As she made her way back from the fields the hot afternoon sun blazed down as if Clara were unrepentant about something or the other. Truth be told she was. She was unrepentant about wanting to move her mother and sister and the rest of her family out of this place, but she wondered if there was any place she could move to that wouldn’t be doomed.
“How is your sweet husband to be?” asked Sara staring at her.
She nudged her. “He is not my husband.”
“Yet,” Sara interjected, ever the hopeful one.
Clara laughed.
"Hey!" Her mother said coming up to her with a sunflower he stuck in her ear.
Clara smiled at her. Her mother had been doing better since she arrived and that made her happy. The only problem was that john’s mother had gotten worse and that was a point of great sadness for her.
"Hello you," she kissed her mother’s cheeks and pulled Sara to her as they walked back to the house. "Where have you been all day?"
"Oh here and there," her mother said "Where is your husband?"
“He is not my husband,” she pointed out again with a laugh as they made their way to the back of the house to continue with the laundry she had been doing all day.
“Well, I think he is handsome and kind and-“
“Too worried about feeding the extra mouths in his family to be thinking about romance,” she pointed out. Her mother’s face lost some of its color.
“Do you regret coming here Clara?” the older woman asked her.
“No!” she protested adamantly because she really did not. She looked at John every day and just knew they were destined for each other. It was just that everything else was more important now.
“Hey Clara!” Amin, his older brother called to her. “I am going to need my brother's help in the town for a bit. Can you do without him for a couple hours?"
Amin looked from her to where John’s silhouette could be seen working the fields and wondered why his brother was asking her permission.
I guess I am the only one who gets that he is not yet my husband, nor has he agreed to be my husband yet, she thought with slight annoyance. It wasn’t that they were dense in the head; it was that they kept treating her like she was married, though it hadn’t happened yet. It was giving her all kinds of hope for the future and she did not want to set herself up to be disappointed.
"Okay," she finally said, reluctant to point out the obvious for a third time. "Just make sure you get him back home before dark."
Amin nodded and then spurred his horse on. The second horse he pulled along was for his brother and the fact that both horses had bottles of water meant the men would be gone for a while. She would miss the sight of him while he was gone. She turned around to find her sister and mother watching her with keen amusement and busied herself with the laundry to avoid their gaze. She was falling for John, but she was not yet sure it was her place to do so.
“I think you made an excellent choice of a man to spend the rest of your life with,” Sara pointed out and yet again she was drawn into the conversation.
“Yes? Why do you think so?” she asked her sister.
“Because he is a good man,” Sara said as their mother listened keenly. “He works hard to provide for you. That is the kind of Amish man Daed would have wanted you to find and I know he would be happy with your choice.”
The twelve year old was far too wise for her age, but Clara sometimes felt doubt even in the face of the fondness she had developed for the man whose mail order bride she was.
"Do you really think I have made a good choice Maem?" she tightened her bonnet on her head as a strong wind blew by and lifted her grey frock ever so lightly. She waited for her mother to respond.
“I think you have, and once we have passed this hurdle that might see us starving to death; I look forward to the grandchildren you will both make me.
Clara rolled her eyes at the woman, she was beginning to think that after women passed a certain age it was an unspoken order that said they must become obsessed with marrying their children off and urging them to procreate. That would be a while in coming, for she needed a stable home where she could raise her children with ease.
For now she prayed John would still want to marry her and turned her eyes to where his horse was galloping towards the town. She missed his presence already.
* * *
4
Chapter FOUR
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
“ I would never, ever
forget about you … ”
.
As the sun went down John and Amin made their way back home from a wasted visit to the town to seek work. They casted desolate eyes on the barren fields but as they made their way closer to their house his attention spiked. His footsteps hastened as he got closer to the crowd that had gathered at his front door.
“What is going on mother?” he asked as he shoved his way through the blue frocks and black britches of the members of his community. His mother didn’t answer, she simply pointed to the group of elders gathered around his father in the living room. Clara’s sister sat on his father’s lap and the look of sadness across the wiry man’s face told the story.
“We are being shunned?” he asked his mother and she nodded, hanging her head beneath the weight of the disappointment. “Why?”
“Someone reported your father to the elders, telling them that he had been talking about going away because things were so hard here.”
“Oh no!” came Amin’s shot of distress. That must have been the first time that he remembered his brother showing any signs of any remotely adult behavior. It was also the first time that he saw him register the gravity of what was going on here.
“But he is not the only one,” John pointed out in anger. He was trying his best to hold onto the sanity and forgiveness they had been taught was the Amish way of life, but it was becoming a little too hard. When logic was replaced by irrationality, he could not see through it, and anybody could see their community needed help.
He was about to step forward when his mother grabbed his hand. Her cold bony fingers finding a strength her sick frame had long since lost.
“Do not make it worse son,” she ordered and he took a step back.
Truth be told he was not angry because they had to leave, as far as he was concerned they should have left a long time ago. He was angry because they were being shunned for something many other families had thought of. He had heard the whispers across the fields and fences. Many people felt the elders had chosen the wrong place for them to settle, but a vow to give up their nomadic wanderings kept them rooted in hard times and a desire to force the community to live sparingly as the word of God grounded them in.
It was good to follow the ways of the ordnung, but he was finding it hard to believe that the same God, who was written about in the book they lived by, and who created the world, would have a problem with them moving to find greener pastures. He didn’t believe that at all. They were given much for them to be able to make use of and this country was a big place.
“How long are they giving us to go?” John asked. At this point he knew it made no sense to try and get out of being shunned. The elders had decided.
His mother pulled him in her for a hug and he wrapped a protective hand around the woman who had nurtured him all his life. “We have five days to auction off as many of our things as we can and then leave. It will be so hard,” she
said and a tear escaped her eyes that never cried for any reason at all. He felt resentment to the people who were forcing this on them.
“My wife cannot travel to uncertainty in her state,” Amin pointed out worriedly and the lines that creased his forehead made him look his age for once.
“They know,” his mother said. “And for that reason you are being allowed to stay, but we have to go.”
John looked at the sadness that crossed his brother’s face. “We will follow as soon as she can travel Maem,” Amin said with conviction and john was sure he would. There was no question about it.
“We will be fine Maem,” he said as the men seated around his father began speaking in their native German. A strange sensation washed over him as he listened and he realized that amidst his anger he was happy they might be leaving for some place better. A more modern community meant a better life for them all, or least better kept fields to feed them, and he knew his parents wanted much of the same.
“Let me make you some tea,” he said to his mother and he pulled her into the kitchen. Outside their windows he could see the curious stares of the onlookers. No form of excitement ever happened here and so this shunning was to be it for a very long time or until another family was shunned. John did not care who would think him rude. He walked to the windows and pulled their green blinds down. He could hear his mother’s sigh of relief as their back door flew open.
“Goodnight,” Clara stood there, her face flushed with the exertion of either having heard the news or of her running to the house
“Clara?” his mother addressed the woman “What is it dear? Not more bad news I hope.”
“Maem,” Clara began and a big smile spread across her face. “Maem, sent me to tell you that we will be going with you. You all are our family and whilst they will not let us sit here with you while they discuss these matters, we want you to know that wherever you go we will go too.”
John smiled and walked over to her pulling her in for a happy hug. “Thank you,” he whispered kissing her forehead. He felt her stiffen in shock at his first open display of any affection towards her, and then she slowly wrapped her arms around him.
“This is not something to be celebrated,” his mother said, her voice heavy with the weight of the loss she was already feeling and he could understand why.
She had spent her whole life with this community, traveling about and finally settling here. So too had her mother and grandmother before her. It would be hard for her to leave, not because she was being shunned, but because this was all she knew. That crushed his spirits a bit, but he took solace in knowing that wherever they went would be better. Shortly after Clara’s announcement the elders dispersed, leaving them to plan the next chapter of their lives.
“I met a man in town today who gave me directions of a man we could speak to in the community in Ohio,” he told them later that night as they sat planning their departure. To his side his father remained silent with his head bowed.
As hard as it was to stay, it would be even harder for him to leave, and John knew this because he had tried hard to remove the necessity of leaving. Despite this however, he was happy that the choice had been taken from them. He was happy that the elders were now forcing them to leave, so they would have no choice but to go. He had no problem plowing the feels beneath and unforgiving sun for hours on end. He had no problem at all if that was what it took to feed his family. What he did have an issue with was doing that and the not having anything to show for it.
“Maem,” he stepped up to his mother and took her hand. “It will not be easy leaving, but think of how much better our lives will be.”
His mother looked at him as if he were speaking a language she did not understand, so he explained.
“We owe a lot of money to the elders, auctioning our things will help us clear that debt and give us enough money for our trip and to make a new start. If we get accepted into a community with lands better for growing crops, hunger is not something we will have to worry about ever again.”
“If we get accepted,” his mother reminded him. This was something he would see to the next day. The man in the town had told him a telegram could be sent to find out if there was space for them and that he would send it quickly.
“We will pray about it as a family, Maem. The Lord will provide for us.” He bent before her and rested his head on her thin knee the way he once did when he was a child. “You have always taught me that God does things in his own way and we must not question the will of the Lord. I believe he is taking us to some place better, and I know we will be okay.”
She did not respond, she only ran her fingers through his hair as she often did, and behind him Clara put the kettle on the fire for the tea he had promised his mother. John felt anger for the actions of the elders, but he would pray about it. Despite all that however, he was happy they would be going. His major task for now would be in sorting through the things they would be selling at the auction and packing the things they would carry on their journey.
It was customary that when an Amish family was moving out of the community, they would hold an auction for the things they could not carry. The community would buy what they wanted and in turn the family would have enough money for their trip to wherever they decided to go.
“Do you really think things will be better?” Clara asked him hours later when his mother finally turned in for the night.”
“I have to believe they will,” he said sitting beside her in the cool night breeze. “The alternative does not bode well for us.”
He looked at her nervously chewing the inside of her cheeks and knew this must be very hard on her. To have to move twice on the hope or promise of something better.
“I am sorry this is what I invited you to,” he said feeling like he had failed her.
She smiled. “As long as I go through it with you, I know we will be fine.”
He hoped so, because as soon as they were settled and comfortable, he was going to ask her to marry him. He sat on the stairs late in the night praying and begging the Lord for guidance on their new advent in life.
“Sixty-three years I have been a part of this community, moving from town to town in search of a better life,” his father’s voice startled him. “I helped to build this place and just like that they decide to shun us?”
He looked at his father’s shoulders, hunched beneath the weight of his sadness and for the first time he saw him cry. His heart broke into a million pieces as he sat speechless by the tears running down his face in the lantern.
“Daed, it will be okay,” he said not sure of what else to say.
His father got up in an angry huff and kicked a plant off the stairs. “They had no right! Sixty-three years! All because I want better for my people they decide to send me off someplace with an ailing wife. That is not very Christian of them.”
He stood nervously. He had no experience with anger- none. The Amish did not get angry. That was a lesson he had been taught in school. If something disappointed you then you read and prayed about it. You did not get angry.
His father kicked another plant down the stairs. “They have no right.”
Seemingly too exhausted his father sat back down beside him. “Son, if you ever invest in any community, ensure it is one that will respect and revere your investment. If not you might end up finding yourself out on your own after sixty-three years.”
His father left him there seething in anger at how they had been treated. He understood his father’s pain and that made him want to get them away as soon as possible.
“Daed,” he called to his father who stopped at the door to wipe his tears before entering the house.
“Jah,” his father answered him.
“We will be fine. I will make sure we are fine.”
“I know,” his father said. “I know.”
* * *
It was the following morning before Clara got any sleep. She lay in bed almost the entire night staring at the ceiling, thinking
of what she could do to help them make some more money for their trip.
“Where are you off to, my love?” her mother asked when she all but bolted out of the house with the sunrise the following day.
Her mother had come home late that night and had gone straight to bed much to her dismay. She had been hoping to talk to her about the latest development in their lives. Instead she promptly refused the food that had been cooked and had then gone off to bed.
“Going off to work in the barn, maybe they will pay me a few dollars for helping. It should help us on our journey to Ohio,” she said trying to sound cheerful so as not to upset her mother.
“Can I speak to you before you go?” the older woman asked. She hoped it was not to fuss about their current situation, or to have another deep talk in hopes of preparing her for the reality she already knew existed.
“Sure,” she said. “I also want to help John and Amin prepare things for the auction so I aim to go early,” she pointed out, hoping her mother would take the hint and leave her alone as she was pulled into her mother’s arms for a hug.
“I just want you to know that I am proud of what you have done to get us here and what you are willing to do to get us elsewhere.”
She sighed. “It’s okay Maem.”
“No,” her mother said tearfully. “No child should ever have to carry these responsibilities.”
“Well it is a good thing Sara is the only child about here,” she pointed out with a chuckle, knowing her sister would protest vehemently if she were there. “We will be fine.”
“We will be,” John said walking in on their exchange. “As long as we stay together as a family, we will be fine.”