by Faye Sonja
Hours later when the festivities had all but died down and they were left to clean up; he made his way to where Jessica sat taking a break.
“Are you okay?” he asked a bit nervous to see what her response was.
Jessica looked up at him a little startled and stood almost immediately. “Yes, I am.”
The response was curt and out of the usual for the girl he knew to be pleasant and always waiting with a smile for the people around her. Jessica didn’t even bother to look at him, and he felt the dream or fantasy he had slipping away from him. Sadness crept in around the corners of his heart and confusion took its toll yet again.
As Jessica moved to walk away he instinctively reached a hand out to stop her. Not even sure why he did it.
“Have I offended you in some way, Jessica?” he asked dreading the answer, and finding it almost impossible to ignore the heat that beckoned to him from where their hands were connected. He had never felt anything like it before and it was new, exciting and strangely intimate.
Jessica looked down at where their hands were connected and he could see in her eyes she felt the same thing too.
“Unhand me,” she demanded in a voice that broke a bit on the request.
Joshua wanted to comply but stood in her way. “Have I offended you?”
Jessica smiled and lifted a finger to trace along the side of his face. He stiffened at the unexpected touch that felt righter than anything else he had ever felt in his life and it was all the confirmation he needed… but then Jessica spoke.
“You have done no such thing, but what you are for me is something I cannot have… not here and not now.”
Joshua lost his ability to speak and the good senses he had remaining went right out the window.
What did she mean she couldn’t have him? She was the one who had responded to his mail order bride ad, and she was the one who had invited him here. She had not even fussed when her father had invited him to be a part of their community. Now the words leaving her lips were shocking and shattering at the same time.
Watching Jessica walk away he wondered what that meant even though he was sure he knew. Maybe it was time for him to face up to the truth that was creeping out of his pores slowly but surely. Denying its existence was not making his life any easier and he was almost certain that soon it would stifle him with misery. She clearly was not supposed to be his.
He had no idea how to handle that.
It was as if she had captured his heart with the whisper of hello and now he knew for sure. Without knowing how he would handle it he admitted one thing to himself. He was hopelessly taken by this woman, and her Amish community would not look too kindly at him for wanting to break up her relationship with Samuel. He was beginning to feel that maybe leaving Smith’s ranch had not been such a good idea after all.
With the silent acknowledgement of his truth he knew one thing for sure- his heart felt a lot lighter. He turned with a smile to watch Jessica walk away, but his eyes fell on Samuel who had been watching him from the shadows of the tree close by. He turned quickly and walked back into Cassandra’s house. The last thing he wanted was to get into an argument with the other man.
* * *
4
Chapter FOUR
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“ She hoped he would be something
more than just the same traditional
gentleman she was growing tired of.”
.
Jessica nearly jumped out of her skin in the dark as she picked up the linen from the line. She had reminded her mother they were out there but the older woman must have been too tired and had simply forgotten.
“I know now,” she heard Samuel’s voice behind her and managed to stifle a scream just in time.
“Dear Lord! You nearly caused me to meet my death! What are you doing out here so late?”
He slowly walked over to her. “So what I thought to be true really is?”
“What?” she asked him in surprise.
He smiled at her but she didn’t know what to make of it. “Your truth, Jessica. I know all about it. Your truth is hidden but it is there and I have thought it for a long time.”
She had no response for that just in case she would confirm what he had not even thought of. She looked at him with his hands in the pocket of his britches waiting on her to say something. It was a defiant stance that oozed the authority that Amish men had over their women, and in that moment she was reminded of why she liked Joshua so much. She had never felt like this with him.
“Just you be careful it doesn’t become your undoing,” he said and walked away and she was almost certain she was watching him walk away for the last time, and strange enough, she was okay with it. She felt her grip on her reality slowly slipping away. She felt she was losing her control on what she had held tightly to.
With chaos in her mind she tried hard to get some sleep, but sleep was not to be her friend that night. She tossed and turned in bed wondering what her life would be like caught between these two men, and when her frustration became too much she gave up on sleeping altogether and laid in bed thinking about it all night.
It was another week before she ventured out of her house to do any of her usual things. She was avoiding everything to preserve her sanity.
“Hey Jessica!” a bubbly Chrisanne called to her as she was walking home from church the following week. She had gone thinking all the thoughts she had been having about Joshua was certainly going to send her to hell. She had prayed about them every night and even asked her father to pray with her. He had looked at her worriedly but had left her alone and just prayed for whatever was bothering her to be gone. She had sought refuge in her Bible and when that had not worked she walked around with a frown for the rest of the week avoiding any place she knew Joshua might be.
“Hey Chrisanne!” she called with a smile happy for the distraction from the madness inside her. “How are you?”
The bubbly girl with the freckled face and a waistline a size more than the average was all too happy to entertain her.
“I am fine. You know my sister just had her first baby so it has been nothing but fun at the house. You should come around some time.”
She smiled but didn’t answer. Chrisanne was well intended. She was the oldest friend she had and the only one who had not refused to speak to her after she had come back from the English world. The English world she was beginning to think was the better place for her and her inclinations that did not seem to want to leave her alone.
“And your Maem?” she asked of the ailing woman who had been the joy of the community for as long as she remembered. Chrisanne’s mother had always managed to make those wonderful treats they all looked forward to, and Chrisanne herself seemed to have consumed one too many. Not that it mattered to Jessica. She liked Chrisanne for nothing but the consistent friend she had been.
“Maem is doing okay,” Chrisanne said with a worried look that flashed across her face. “She has that terrible cough that does not seem to be leaving her anytime soon, but she is up and about cooking down the house as per usual.”
They laughed for nothing was closer to the truth than that statement. But as the laughter passed an awkward silence took its place.
“Are you okay, Jessica? You seem different.” Chrisanne pierced at her with curious intent and she knew she was going to have a hard time hiding from the eyes that searched for the answers to questions not yet asked. She looked at her friend wishing she could really tell her what was on her mind but knowing she could never burden her with such a tale. She instead nodded.
“I have been lost in much thought lately, but I am okay.”
Thought was an understatement, and as she said it her blind eye itched her as if pointing out the loose truth to her admission.
“Tell me if it is something that maybe I can help you with,” Chrisanne said as they reached her porch
and took a seat on the hanging chair that creaked beneath their weight. “You know I am here for you don’t you? Always.”
It was a sweet gesture and one that eased the coming headache just a little bit. “I know Chrisanne, and I am ever grateful for it, but these thoughts of mine are better dealt with in my head.”
Not convinced but understanding the subtle request to be left alone with whatever was troubling her, Chrisanne changed the topic to talk about herself and the young man she was courting now. In the next hour that passed, her mother served them lemonade and cookies and her father came out to see how they were doing and Chrisanne enchanted her with tales of budding love. Tales she somehow knew she would never be able to tell anyone and for that she was sad.
When dusk fell and Chrisanne excused herself to go home she was relieved, but it did not last for long.
The elegant footsteps that echoed along the stone path leading up to their house were enough to tell her they had a visitor. When the black hat appeared in the glow of the lantern hanging from the porch she felt a strange tingle run down her spine before she even knew the reason.
“Good evening Jessica,” Joshua said timidly from the bottom of the stairs. Her heart skipped a few beats and she forgot how to speak. “Cassandra sent me by with some goodies to say thanks for the help you offered for the feast.
She stood and though she wanted to bolt for the inside and take cover behind her parents, as she knew she could not run forever.
“Thank you,” she said and waited for him to make his way up the stairs.
“Can we talk?” Joshua asked her in a whisper. She wasn’t sure that was a good idea but she somehow felt she had no choice, and it was either they spoke now or things could get harder if they didn’t. She nodded her head and nervously sat down the basket filled with goodies Cas would dive into as soon as he woke up. She looked down at the serious face of the young man with whom she was absolutely smitten with and decided to get it all over with.
“Maem,” she said to her mother who was busy in the kitchen preparing dough to make noodles the following day. “I am going for a short walk with Joshua.”
Her mother nodded with a question on her brow. No doubt wondering where Samuel had been and how it was that Joshua was now replacing him in the evening walks she loved to take, but her mother didn’t ask. “Okay, but do not be too long. It is cold out tonight.”
She made her way back to where Joshua stood with his hand in his pockets waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. They did not say a word to each other. Each caught up in thinking about what should be said. She walked a few steps behind Joshua to the river that ran through the community and stopped beneath the almond oak tree there. She took a deep breath and turned her head to the skies looking at the slivers of moonlight that snuck through the leaves. There in the darkness that swallowed her secrets she turned to the man she had invited into her life.
Yes, she had invited him in and she knew she was being selfish with how she chose to address him but she couldn’t do any better right now. She had stirred a nest of ants in a way and she had no idea how to resettle them, and Samuel was not taking it so easily.
An owl screeched overhead and the night crickets did there coral, but all she could hear was her heart beating its way to its death and as Joshua stood before her she lost what little control she had over herself.
He stepped up to her without a word and pulled her towards him, and with the whispering of secrets that should not be told he gently pressed his lips to hers and removed any doubt of what he felt for her. The electricity of lust passing between them was something that would earn them a one way ticket to hell, but in that moment she did not care. And as Joshua’s unsure tension slipped from his stance, she felt a hand rest gently on her cheek and her lips parted to welcome his yet again.
There they stood on the bank of the rushing river, cloaked in darkness sharing a moment that would change both of their lives forever.
* * *
Joshua lost himself in the feel of her in his arms and placed another kiss on her lips.
“I have been wanting to do that since the day I met you” he whispered when they came up for air. He could not yet bring himself to pull away from the embrace, but found he liked the feeling of her finally in his arms. When Jessica pulled away he wanted to pull her right back.
“I am so very sorry!” exclaimed Jessica as they both fought to catch their breaths. “I shouldn’t have done that! What have I done?”
He watched Jessica pace back and forth in the darkness and stopped her. “You did what I have wanted to do all along,” he whispered back.
Jessica stopped and looked at him as if she had just flown straight out of the coo-coo’s nest. “What did you say?”
He smiled. “I have wanted you to do that for so long. I think I want you to do that again.”
No words were spoken, only the meeting of hearts through kisses whispered against lips and as the night air got hotter around them he slowly backed Jessica against the great oak and tilted her head. This was heaven, and he knew that having experienced this now, there was no way he could go back to life as he had once known it.
When they broke apart minutes later out of breath, it was because they heard the approach of faint footsteps.
“Jessica!” called Samuel from somewhere close by.
They exchanged frightened looks and Jessica brought her fingers to his lips to silence him.
“I am going to go answer him.”
Joshua clutched at her and she shook her head. “No stay.”
Jessica kissed him gently on the lips as Samuel called for her again. “I will see you tomorrow.”
With that she sunk into the darkness and the night got cold around her.
“I am here!” she called out to Samuel in the dark.
“What are you doing out here alone?” he asked her rushing over to her.
“I just needed a moment to think,” she said as he pulled her to him.
“Well, you should get home. It is getting cold.”
She didn’t fuss with him. Taking the hand he offered Joshua watched as she allowed him to pull her towards the direction she had just come, and with one lasting glance into the darkness Jessica had disappeared in, he hoped tomorrow would arrive soon.
* * *
5
Chapter FIVE
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“ She hoped he would be something
more than just the same traditional
gentleman she was growing tired of.”
.
Tomorrow did come and with the crack of dawn she headed to the cabbage fields where she would be planting new sprouts for most of the day. There were only four women working there that day and she was quite surprised to see Joshua had gotten an early start on it all. She half expected him to go into town with the farmers to sell what they could at the weekly food fair.
“You are here?” she asked him, surprised.
He chuckled and only looked up from his task briefly. “I live here now. Maybe you haven’t noticed.”
“You know what I mean,” she blushed as he made fun of her moment of surprise. “Why didn’t you go into the town with the other men?”
He paused and picked a hat up from the ground to balance it on her head over her bonnet. She was grateful for it shaded her face from the early morning summer sun that would only get brighter as the day went on.
“Well Samuel decided to accompany your father this morning and so I offered to work around here. I don’t think we both would work out so well in the small space at the market,” he confessed with a sigh.
“He wouldn’t harm you,” she said.
“I know he would do no such thing, but I also know that I do not want to anger him any more than I already have. I might have encroached on his space here and now I am kissing his woman in the dark. I feel like we have a lot to answer for.”
She looked at him wondering if he regretted coming to live there. “Do you regret taking my father up on his offer to make this community your home?”
“Never,” he said almost instantaneous. “I am however confused by you. Do you care to help enlighten my darkness?”
She moved to sit on the other side of the horse drawn trolley that would pull them along as they planted sprouts. “I will try my best to.”
“You answered my ad for an Amish wife when you were already taken by another man. Why would you do that?” he asked her and he sounded like a wounded animal begging to be made whole again.
“Samuel means a lot to me,” she began, knowing she at least owed him the truth. “But I do not feel very attracted to him nor connected enough to become his wife. We were childhood friends and for many reasons he was the only man who made me feel comfortable.”
“You mean because you are blind in one eye?” he asked.
She sucked a breath in before admitting to what he thought. This was the first time she would admit such a thing. “Yes. It is not that the community was mean to me. We are a loving and close lot.”