by Faye Sonja
“Don’t try,” Kate slapped at his hand. “Just don’t do it.”
He laughed and promised her he would not, before making his way into the garden with the woman who had stolen his heart with her patience.
* * *
They did not go to dinner as planned the following day. They instead stayed in and enjoyed their time together as a family, and the following Sunday they all went to church on the urgings of Aunt May who thought it was time to give thanks for the fact that Nathan had been returned to them safely.
As Alex closed her eyes and sang with the group, she squeezed Nathan’s hand in support. It had been hard for her coming back to worship. Truth be told she had never been very religious, but here she was and the occasion was one worth celebrating. Even with her eyes closed she could feel the people staring at Nathan, but it was more out of pity than anything else and it only made her angry.
Alex casted a wary eye on the preacher who looked gaunter than he had in ages and his wife stood stiff and stone-like by his side, her lips barely moving as they sang. It was as if they had suffered through Nathan’s ordeal as well, but when she asked, Kate assured her that they were always like that.
She couldn’t wait for the service to be over, and when it was, Nathan whisked her home where he spent some time chatting with her to get the service out of her head.
“Are these people always like that?” she asked him.
He chuckled as he placed her legs over his on the sofa in the sun room. In the stables out the window restless horses made their presence known and he had a sudden urge to go for a ride, but decided to stay where he was.
“Don’t worry about them too much,” he told her kissing her cheek as he spoke. “Not much happens here, and so when it does it gives everyone something to gossip about. Soon they will grow bored of us.”
Alex felt comforted by his words, but she knew that was exactly what they were designed to do- give her a false sense of comfort. “I don’t like it, and I know you are only saying that to soothe me.”
He frowned at her. “Trust me when I say their words will never reach your ear because I will cut out the tongue that dares disturb your peace here.”
“Is that what you did to your father?” she asked him before she could stop herself from speaking.
Her words were like a cold slap cross his face and she watched him recoil. “What did you just say?”
“No-nothing,” she said.
“Is that what you think of me?” he asked her and she knew she had delivered a blow that would be hard for him to get over.
“I meant nothing by it,” she tried to defend herself.
“I did what I had to so that you would be safe,” he said lowering his eyes and she could see the weight of it all on his shoulders.
She reached out to touch him but he pulled away. “I am sorry,” she said, but she had already said the words and he got up and walked away from her. She wanted to do nothing but run after him, but she knew better and so she let him go.
Later she found him walking to the stables in the late afternoon sun. He had missed lunch and didn’t seem too interested in supper so she let him go.
“Do you want to talk?” she asked him. He shook his head and they walked into the stable in silence. He saddled two horses and helped her onto one, then kicked his steed into a gallop and took off across the ranch to the meadows she knew was in a clearing through the woods. She took a deep breath and followed him.
He let his horse loose to graze then helped her from hers. “Is there ever anything I could do that would make you walk away from me?” he asked her as she sought to catch her breath.
She looked at him confused. “All this because I asked about your father?”
He turned and glared at her before sighing. “No, all this because I need to know that committing to this means you know that it is through thick and thin. I do not want a wife who will look at me differently because I did what was necessary to protect my family. This world is a cruel place Alex, and I have simply learned to adapt.”
She looked at him, trying to garner the subliminal meaning in his words. She wondered if he was being ambiguous on purpose or if he was simply trying to say what he had said. She sometimes never knew, and the truth was that it really didn’t matter.
“I am committed to you Nathan,” she said sitting beneath the tree close by and running her hand through the tall blades of grass. “I am committed to you wholeheartedly, but I also would like to know that even your darkest secrets are not hidden from me.”
He looked at her unsure of what to say. “It will take time Alex. Trust has never come easily to me.”
“I know,” she said pulling him down beside her. “And that is why I need to know that if I were to broach the topic with you, then you won’t go huffing off like a child.”
He chuckled. “I am sorry.”
“Those words,” she whispered as she kissed his lips, “are a promise. Not a solution to get me to stop being upset. They are a promise to do better. Always remember that.”
He rubbed his nose playfully against hers. “I will.”
* * *
6
Chapter SIX
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“… something she did not quite
understand. His ad was not the usual ad
a man would place when seeking a bride.”
.
With the sunrise came Nathan’s uncertainty, and feeling a little under the weather Alex decided against making an appearance that day. He catered to her hand and foot and when she fell asleep he sought Kate out.
“Can we talk?” he asked her hesitantly, sure that Kate was deeply interested in hearing what he had to say. She excused herself from the clutches of Leo as Little John called to him and they headed out for a walk.
“What troubles you?”
He sighed. “I am not so sure. I have a feeling I might be too damaged for Alex. I believe there is someone better out there who could love her the way she deserves.
“Stop!” she said to him above the shouts and screams of the children of the town, who were once again visiting his ranch for a field day out. He had thought the idea a beautiful one when he had been asked and he looked forward to the caravans full of children who would delight in the hard work his men put in.
“What did I do? He turned back to Kate and asked.
“Ever since I met you, you have always considered yourself unworthy of the good things that come your way,” she said turning to glare at him. “You need to stop that right this minute. Open up to that woman in that house, because she nearly faded into nothing when she thought you were dead. A woman who you had just met would not have waited around for you that long. Waited in uncertainty wile I am sure she could have any gentleman caller. You stop doubting your worth right this minute.”
“Yes ma’am,” he said as the realization washed over him. He really just needed to hear those words from her.
“Did you need something else?” she turned a concerned face to him. He thought about it for a moment and was sure there was more he needed a talking to about, but he was not sure what, and so he changed the topic.
“How is your young man?” he nodded back towards where Leo sat fidgeting with his tie. It was hot out and he was sure that the man must be sweating beneath the long sleeves he wore.
“He is a bit drab to be honest,” she whispered.
“All the fun has worn out of him already?”
She nodded. “What do I do?”
He tucked a few strands of her unruly hair back in place. “You make sure that you are not simply being mean and be nice when you break it off.”
She groaned. “Be happy you found Alex or this might have been you.”
“I am never drab,” he protested and walked away from her.
“No, you are just a bit dense in the head,” she teased. She laughed and he realized
how much he had missed his care free world. No matter what he had had to do to get back here. For him it was all worth it.
* * *
With daybreak they had visitors neither Alex nor Nathan had been aware of. Apparently Aunt May had taken it upon herself to invite a few close allies to celebrate Nathan’s return.
“We need an escape plan,” he joked as he and Alex looked down at the group who had arrived for the festivities. In the back yard, tables were laid out and carriage after carriage made their way to the Matthews mansion.
“Oh no,” he exclaimed a few minutes later as he looked at a white haired old woman making her way towards them. “Run!” he told her and like two teenagers they hightailed it for the back of the house. Grabbing some food on the way he steered away from the crowd now congregating outside.
“Okay, let’s go into the orchard then,” she gently nudged him to turn the corner for visual privacy. “Who is it that we are running from?”
“Marcy,” he pointed out. “The woman who has a nose and a finger in everybody’s business. I will speak to aunt May a little later about the guests she chose to invite here.”
“Leave her be,” Alex laughed, “She is just happy to have you home.”
“No my love, she meddles,” he said slapping a hand to his forehead in hopelessness. “All she does is match make and meddle, and I hear she does not fancy Kate’s choice, so no doubt tonight she will try to pick them apart.”
“Be happy she is well enough to do that Nathan,” she said with a solemn smile.
“Yes, I guess I should be,” he replied, remorseful about her insensitivity towards there difference in situations and the pain that came with it.
He took a deep breath before continuing and she knew that that meant he had something important to say. “I would like to have children. That was something we never spoke of.”
She had been thinking the same thing and smiled. “I would like to have them, too.”
Why he had felt the need to point that out she was not so sure, but she was distracted by the beauty of the orchard around her for a moment. She had never come this far in and as they came up to the biggest tree in the middle of the orchard, she immediately thought of the resilience of it. It was aptly placed and its strength mirrored the man she loved. She didn’t say that to him though, she left him in his pensive silence or a minute and waited for him to tell her what was on his mind.
“I worry about starting a family,” he said looking off in the direction from which they had come.
“Why?” she asked with a sigh, almost certain she knew the answer before he gave her one.
“I would hate to be like my father,” he said sitting and popping a blade of grass between his teeth. He took his jacket off and made a soft cushion for her to sit on, before helping her down.
“Can I ask you something?” she looked at him with furrowed brows, her lips pursed in anticipation.
“Yes,” he said flatly.
“What have you learned from being under your father’s lash?”
The question hit home and brought a flood of painful memories with it. She watched him as he closed his eyes, no doubt to ward them off. He did not answer because the one thing she had learned about people was that when tragic memories took root, no one but you could bring yourself back to shore, and so she waited.
“I have learned that there is a river of strength in me that I never knew I had before.”
“Anything else?” she asked him.
She watched him think for a moment before he answered with a smile. “I know for sure I never want my children to suffer that way,” he said.
“Exactly! Still worried about being a father?” she asked him.
Alex took his hands and stared at the tears welling in his eyes and thought about what it would be like if their situations were reversed. She had come to accept pain and disappointments as part of the natural progression of life, but she knew she would want to try something else if what they had together was not working. He didn’t answer her and she knew that little experiment might have eased his worries, but not his mind.
“Tell me this Nathan,” she began, remembering how her father had always taught her to seek first to understand, “if you could live your life again would you have ran away sooner or wished yourself dead?”
He looked at her suspiciously, not being used to that level of honest questioning from anyone. “I wouldn’t change a thing.”
“Why not?”
“Because I turned out just fine.”
She smiled at him so he could see she wasn’t trying to demean what he might be going through. The silence of the moment that followed was thick and heavy. The only sounds were of a rooster that crowed from the barn, and the squeals of the children at play warmed the breeze as Nathan searched her face for a hint of condescension, something she would not give him.
When he spoke, his face reluctantly lit up with the joy of the memories he was about to share with her.
“Time has been kind to me, and now that have you in my life I look forward to what the future could bring.”
The grin that spread across his face was the first of its kind she had ever seen and she never in a million years thought she could make anyone this happy. He pulled her in for a hug before they could stop themselves and he kissed her on the bonnet atop her head.
“Hey,” she said pulling away from him. “We are all a little rough around the edges and cracked here and there. Just remember that.”
He cupped her face and smiled, this time it was one of pure appreciation. He tumbled her over and gave her stomach a tickle, before going back to the goodies they had brought with them, both hiding safely away from all the eyes around them and falling in love a little more with each minute that passed.
* * *
7
Chapter SEVEN
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“… something she did not quite
understand. His ad was not the usual ad
a man would place when seeking a bride.”
.
The heavy southern rains swept through the plains for the next five days after the harvest was complete, and when it was they all rejoiced for the four walls of the house had become their prison cell and even Little John who had been moved to the main house, seemed to be bouncing off the walls from being held inside for so long.
But with the departure of the rains the mosquitoes thrived, and in no time a horrible fever had taken hold of the town. Death after death was announced and though they did everything they could to keep it away, Kate and Aunt May fell terribly ill. For the next couple days Alex watched as Nathan spent all his time going from room to room. His face showing a level of anxiety she had never seen before and it was understandable. As the death toll from the town rose, so too did their worry. After three days, Kate was shivering so badly that she would no longer eat and Aunt May refused to so much as drink water.
“Take care of him,” Aunt May said when she felt she could no longer keep going. “He has been through a lot but he loves you and once you try to understand him, he will open his heart to you.”
“Stop this nonsense,” she admonished the elderly woman while she passed a wet cloth over her parched lips. “You will be around to help me take care of him.”
“Don’t be naive!” Aunt May snapped at her. “I am on up there in age and this fever has taken its toll.”
Alex managed to get her to keep quiet and go back to sleep, but her words weighed heavily on her heart. It was not that she was worried about taking care of him. That would be no simple task but she would enjoy it. What she worried about was the fact that she knew it would kill Nathan to lose any one of them.
She paid a quick visit to Kate and found her wide awake staring at the ceiling. “How are you feeling?”
“The shivers have stopped but I am so cold. This is what death must feel like.”
> That was the first good news they had had in a while. “The shivers have stopped and that is a good thing, Kate. Do you think you can manage some broth?”
“I can try,” the other woman said, and as Alex fed her she asked of aunt May. She gave her careful information not wanting to make her any more depressed than she already was. For the hour she was there she was surprised that Nathan did not pay them a visit. She wondered if he had finally stopped worrying. She had not spent much time with him since they had gotten ill. It would seem that he had forgotten about her. An understandable fact that made her just a tad bit sad.
“Look who finally remembered we existed,” she feigned anger as she walked to the dinner table downstairs after a long bath and found him seated there.
He frowned at her humor as her words were lost on him. “Don’t be mean.”
She was surprised at his tone. “It’s okay. I was just teasing you,” she replied and tried to put a hand over his. He promptly withdrew it and got up from the table. That was a slap to the face she wasn’t sure how to handle. The sense of gloom surrounding her was like the night he had gone missing all over again. She sighed and let him walk away from her. She was beginning to understand his need for space in moments like this, but she did not like being insulted and when the time was right she would tell him as much.
Hours later when she sat alone under the night sky of the open porch, listening to the sick silence around her and begging God to keep them all safe, he came out.
“Alex?” Nathan called to her and she could hear the worry in his voice. “What’s wrong?”
“You tell me,” she said, the words not coming out quite the way she hoped they would. “Actually, don’t tell me. I just need a few minutes alone.”