by MT Stone
“Yeah, like the night Elsa tried to get me to suck her stinky toes.” A sad smile crosses his face as he picks out that experience from all the others.
“Elsa tells me to pass on her apologies every time I meet with her,” I tell him. “She felt bad after I told her you were a little traumatized by her strange behavior.”
“I wasn’t traumatized,” he scoffs, closing his eyes and shaking his head. “But yeah, it’s going to stick with me for awhile. I’m glad you talked to her about it. She’ll probably have a little more luck dating if she cuts out that bullshit. I still laugh every time I think of throwing her sandals off the balcony. You should’ve seen her face.”
“Some people have twisted ideas of what it means to exhibit power over others.” I totally get why she was doing it. “She’s doing a lot better now. I think you helped her, even though it was only one session.”
“I never told her I didn’t want to see her again.” He sits up in his chair looking defensive. “I just told her I wasn’t really into sucking toes. I would fuck her again, but none of that other bullshit,” he says too loudly for a coffee shop. A small group of women sitting at a big table in the corner all crane their necks to see who is talking about such a topic. “Sorry…” He nods their way and several of them giggle before going back to their prior conversations.
“You helped me too,” I tell him, wanting him to realize how much good he’s done.
“How?” He narrows his eyes and glares at me. “You’ve never given me a chance.” That sly grin of his settles on his lips.
“I had my third date with Ken last night,” I admit, even though I wanted to keep it quiet. “I didn’t want to say anything until I knew there was some potential.”
“So he passed?” He lets out a small chuckle, so I know exactly what he’s referring to.
“Actually, we haven’t done it yet. But, if his kissing is any indication.” I have to smile, feeling really good about someone for the first time I can remember. “He’s a great guy, I don’t know why I procrastinated so long.”
“Human nature,” he replies. “Like everyone else, you wanted what you couldn’t have. Ken was across the hall and totally adored you. That’s way too easy.”
“I know you’re right. No one can truly have guys like Tom. He’s just not available the way I want a man to be.” My heart still hurts when I talk about it, even though I know I’m headed in a much healthier direction. “I need someone who loves me for me. I don’t want to be sitting home wondering where he is and who’s on his arm.”
“From what I’ve seen, I think Ken will be as loyal as a black lab.” He laughs, thinking he’s funny, but it’s true and it’s the biggest reason why I find Ken so attractive.
“I’m finally realizing that loyalty and honesty are much more important than charisma and wealth.” I lean back in my chair, studying Rex’s face. “You’re a good guy too. I hope you find someone who fills that hole in your heart.”
“What hole?” His intense glare confirms that he knows exactly what I’m talking about.
“That empty feeling you have when you wake up alone and have no one to share your morning coffee with,” I reply, knowing how it feels to be stuck in a single routine. “I had convinced myself that it didn’t bother me, but I was just lying to myself. I don’t want to grow old alone.”
“You’re too beautiful for that,” he says, reaching out and placing his hand on mine. “I’ve never understood why you were single.”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Rex.” Tears literally burst from my eyes. I’m not sure why I’m so overcome with emotion, but it’s probably the realization of how much time I’ve wasted chasing the wrong things. “Don’t waste your life… like I did. You’re too good of a guy for that.”
“I’m apparently going to have a kid in nine months, I’ve got sex therapy clients booked for months and Jessica is crazier than either of us ever imagined,” he recaps, turning his hand and interweaving his fingers with mine. “So believe me, I’m absolutely not in the mood for anything more. My plate is pretty fucking full.”
“I know,” I whisper, wanting to get through to him. I squeeze his hand and tears continue to roll down my cheeks. “I’m just saying that if someone special comes along, don’t let the baggage get in the way. That’s exactly how you waste your life. You need to get away and reflect on everything. Put it in perspective and forgive anyone who needs to be forgiven. And that includes forgiving yourself.” His eyes turn glassy and he seems a bit choked up as he processes my words.
“I’m really glad you’re going out with Ken,” he says, squeezing my hand before letting go. “Do you want some more coffee?” He leans forward as if he’s going to get up.
“No. I’m good. I need to get back home,” I reply, looking at the time. “Ken’s going to pick me up at eleven. We’re going to the Harvest Festival. I’m going to see if I can get him to bob for apples or something out of character.” I laugh at the thought of it.
“If he does and actually gets his hair all wet, the dude really loves you.” He laughs. “I’ve never seen him with a hair out of place. He must get his hair cut every other week.”
“Yeah, I’m kind of curious to learn his secrets. He’s got better hair than me.” We both get up form our chairs and I hold out my arms, wanting a hug. “You’re going to be just fine. You’re a smart kid. I predict that you’ll land on your feet and in a year or two you’ll be more successful than ever.”
“Thanks.” He squeezes me tightly, lifting me to my tiptoes in the process. “I don’t know where I would be without you. Thanks for always being there when I needed to talk.” I get a weird sensation from his words. It’s like he’s implying that our relationship is about to change.
“Even if you decide to exit the business, you can still come see me anytime,” I tell him, looking into his sad brown eyes. “Don’t ever hesitate to call. I can meet you here if it’s more comfortable.”
“I feel like I’m going to let down lots of people if I walk away,” he replies, identifying the other source of his distress. “You’ve done so much for me.”
“We’re fine, regardless of what you do, Rex. Ours relationship has never been about business or therapy. I love you like a son.” Tears now stream from my eyes as I squeeze him tightly, feeling a bit embarrassed by this display of emotions. “Don’t disappear from my life.”
“I won’t.” The words barely audible as he chokes up as well. “I’ll call you as soon as I figure out what I’m going to do. Would you call Rebecca and Lanny for me? Just tell them I’m sick or whatever. I’m going to spend a few days out on Camano Island.”
“Do you know someone out there?”
“No. There’s a cabin for sale and they said I could rent it for the weekend, just to see how I like it,” he explains. “I need to get out of the city and clear my head. I can’t shut off my thoughts.”
“Call me if you need anything.” I wipe the tears from my cheeks, trying to collect myself. “Even if you just need someone to help you talk things out. I know Jessica is going to be tough to deal with, so I’ll try my best to diffuse her as well.”
“I appreciate it.” The sadness that I saw when I first entered the coffee shop returns to his face. “Things will work out one way or another. I’ll keep in touch.” His lips try to smile as he grabs his coffee cup and turns to leave, but his eyes are as sad as I’ve ever seen them.
I take a deep breath and watch him as he walks up to the counter for his refill. It breaks my heart, but I have to just give him some space and let him work through things. He’ll call me if needs anything, I tell myself walking toward the door. I need to go home and get ready for the day with Ken. Walking to the car, the cool, misty morning air feels good to my red, swollen eyes. I didn’t get nearly this emotional when I called things off with Tom, another reason why I’m positive that it was the right move. I glance back at the coffee shop while getting into my car. Rex will be fine.
Chapter 20
Settling back into my Tesla, I stare out at the dreary day that matches my mood. I think back to the day I picked up my new Ferrari and met Jessica for the first time. It’s amazing to think how she has turned my world upside down in such a short amount of time. I hear my phone buzzing from inside the console and I’m tempted to open the door, place it in front of the rear tire and drive over it. Instead I lift the lid and see Jessica T. on the screen, as if I didn’t already know who was calling.
“Good morning, Jessica.” I answer, trying my best to sound pleasant.
“Where have you been?” she gasps, as if we had plans that I’m skipping out on.
“Having coffee with Dr. Farris. Why?” There is a long pause, which I knew would occur when I brought Cindy’s name into the mix.
“How is she? Did you tell her the big news?” she finally asks, sounding a bit flustered.
“I did. I told her that I’m apparently going to be a father in nine months,” I reply, feeling another dull stab in my gut as a result of the admission. It’s less painful, so apparently I’m growing accustom to the idea.
“I think we should go to Vegas next weekend and get married,” she suggests, leading me to believe that she’s either high or losing her mind. “It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. I’ve never been one for big church weddings.” I’m never one to find myself at a loss for words, but in this case I’m speechless. “After you left, I couldn’t help thinking about the three of us. We could convert your workout room to a baby room,” she adds, already taking over my house.
“Whoa. Whoa.” I just need her to stop talking for a moment. Where the hell is this coming from? “The last two months, there has been so much tension between us. I was under the assumption that last night was our last session and then at the end of the evening… you tell me your pregnant with my child.”
“But last night was beautiful. It was like our first night together,” she pleads, wanting to believe that there is more than a surrogate arrangement between us. “I know you could sense that something had changed.”
“Yeah, you made me dinner and you were very pleasant to be around.” I once again find myself fumbling for the best way to explain things. “And I wanted to end our sessions on a high note.”
“Our sessions?” she asks, her voice cracking in a way that lets me know I should’ve taken a bit more time to find the right words. “You still think I’m just another client? Just one of the thousand women you’ve been with in the last ten years?” I feel a bead of sweat popping from my brow as I wait for the rest of the meltdown. “I’m carrying your child! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“Yes. It means that something went wrong and I’m trying to figure out how that happened,” I reply, not wanting to be mean but wanting her to know the truth of how I feel. “Like I told you last night, I have no intention of getting married and raising kids. That has never been my goal in life. It’s nothing to do with you. It’s just me. I just don’t see myself falling in love and raising kids. I’m obviously flawed in that way.” Jessica sobs into the phone, even though it’s the same thing I told her last night. I’ve had this conversation several times with my mother, who desperately wants grandchildren for some reason. She probably sees it as a chance to make up for being a shitty mother.
“I don’t understand how you can be so cold,” she whispers through her tears. “I’m going to crucify you online,” she adds, reverting back to the vengeful woman I’ve grown to despise in the preceding weeks.
“Hey, just because I can’t marry you doesn’t mean you have to go out and trash me,” I reply, instantly knowing what is about to happen. “I gave you one hell of a performance last night.”
“Yes, you did. And now I get why.” Her voice lowers and her tone changes eerily. “You thought a couple great orgasms on your way out the door would keep me pacified. Would keep me from saying the truth about you. Well you’re wrong,” she hisses. “Yes, you are great in bed and I’ll shout that from the rooftops, but you have no fucking heart. You’re a soulless bastard, just like all the other pigs out there.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” I reply, my head spinning from her vial words. “I chose this occupation to help people and I think I’ve helped a lot of my clients. I’m sorry you feel differently. I never intended to hurt you.” The line is silent and I realize that I’m now talking to myself. It’s irrelevant. I know she won’t accept any words I have to say anyway. She’s going to do whatever she wants. My phone buzzes in my hand and it’s a text message from her.
Jessica: You’re finished in this town ASSHOLE!!!!!!!
I power down the phone and toss it back in the console. She doesn’t need to kill my career. It died the moment she told me she was pregnant. I pull out my new phone and click to call Cindy back.
“Well, hi,” she says, sounding surprised to hear from me so soon. “What’s wrong?”
“I just talked to Jessica. She wanted to get married in Vegas.”
“Oh, good lord. That sounds like something she would do.” A silence emerges between us. She’s obviously thinking about what I should do. “Just go relax and forget about everything. I’ve already talked to Rebecca and left a message for Lanny. I’ll see if I can get ahold of Jessica too.”
“I told her we had coffee this morning, so she’ll probably be suspicious if you call her right away,” I warn, not wanting her to get on her bad side too.
“I’ve worked with her for a long time, so I can be straight with her,” she replies, not surprising me in the least. “I’m sure she knew full well that you weren’t going to run off with her and get married. Seriously?”
“It seemed like she just needed another excuse to go online and bash me,” I vent, the anger beginning to well up within me. “After she hung up on me, she sent a text saying that I’m finished in the town.” I close my eyes and exhale, trying to ease some of the tension.
“Well, if you want I’ll join that Sex with Rex page and defend you,” she offers, being the kind person she is.
“I’m sure Jessica is probably an admin for the page, so she could delete any positive comments and ban you if you say anything that contradicts her.” It’s an unwinnable battle, so there’s no use drawing her into it. “She probably wouldn’t let you into the group anyway. It’s private, so you have to be approved.”
“You’re probably right.” She sighs. “Like I said, go relax. You’ll always have my referrals if you decide to keep on being a surrogate. If you decide to call it quits, I’ll help you contact everyone and cancel their appointments.”
“Thanks, Cindy. I really do appreciate you.”
“Keep in touch,” she says before I cut the call. Why can’t this world be filled with people like Cindy? I ruminate about the fact that she’s been miserable most of her life in spite of being one of the most outwardly upbeat people I’ve ever met. It’s kind of crazy what we can do to ourselves. We tend to let our minds trap us into a little box when in reality, we can pretty much do anything we want to do in life. I think about the fact that don’t have any debt, nothing tying me to Seattle except my parents and a chance to make a fresh start. Being a sex surrogate has been a good gig, but honestly I was getting tired of all the shallow, sex-based relationships. I honestly haven’t had an emotional connection with anyone since Theresa. It’s like my heart has been completely closed off.
That’s not completely true. I do love Cindy. If I could find a younger version of her or just one who wasn’t best friends with my mother, I would marry her. Normally, I would chuckle at the thought of me getting married, but not today. Today my heart hurts and for the first time that I can remember, tears are streaming down my face. I don’t even have any tissues. I pull a chamois from the glove box and use it as a handkerchief. Why do I feel so damn miserable? Maybe it’s because I haven’t slept, maybe it’s because Jessica claims to be pregnant with my kid or maybe Cindy is right and I’m just tired of being lonely. I feel the floodgates open at the
admission. I’ve always been focused on things like becoming an NFL quarterback, buying a home on the lake, buying my dream cars and getting in the best shape possible. I’ve never allowed myself to feel like this, because this really sucks.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper to everyone I’ve ever hurt. I know there are dozens or maybe hundreds of women who have felt deceived over the years. I’ve made love to them and whispered sweet things that I knew they needed to hear, only to disappear when the money stopped flowing. What kind of a person does this to vulnerable women?
I recant all the times that Cindy has told me how much I’ve helped some of our clients, but I know Jessica isn’t the only one who feels deceived and disappointed. It will be nice to spend some time in isolation. I’ve been living in a whirlwind for almost ten years and its time to recharge. Heading north on I-5 the urban landscape slowly gives way to farmland and trees. I find it soothing, my thoughts slowing and I’m relaxing into the seat. This is exactly what I need.
Saturday Evening
I throw a rib eye on the grill and close the lid, cracking a Wildcat IPA brewed by a friend of mine. I take a long draw from the bottle, looking out at the fading sun casting vibrant colors across the water. I could get used to this. I send a quick text to my hosts letting them know that I’ll take it for the entire week and if all goes well, I’ll make them an offer to buy it. I set a timer for ten minutes and sit back in the lounge chair, content for the moment. Now I see why people seek more solitude as they age. This world has a way of beating us down, so it feels pretty good to just get away from it all. If I buy this place, the down payment will tap the rest of my cash reserve. Maybe I’ll sell my place in Seattle. Maybe I’ll wait and see how the week goes.
Three beers and one steak later, I wander inside to see what’s on TV. Scanning through at least a couple hundred channels I decide to watch a recap of last night’s football game. UW trounced UCLA and I missed it because of Jessica, but at least I can catch the highlights. As I watch, I find my thoughts turning back to how things went down with her. I retrieve a glass from the cupboard and pour myself a few fingers of scotch, thinking it will relax me since the beer didn’t do it. I can’t believe she’s pregnant with my kid. Of all the people to have a kid with, she would be damn near my last choice. I pick up my old phone before heading back to the recliner. I’m not sure why I even brought it in, because it’s just like looking at the sun during an eclipse. I know I shouldn’t do it, but I can’t help myself.