by Dani Collins
“And helped you?”
“He did. Not because he’d taken training sessions on mental health support, but because he was a friend. He went with me to the doctor and asked about my life and dragged me to the beach and cooked so I ate properly. None of it was a silver bullet, but it added up over time until I was much healthier.”
She wanted to ask if the pregnancy scare in high school had started it. That might explain why he seemed to be holding back on bonding with the baby. And her.
I’m not sure I’m capable of the kind of happiness you want me to feel.
“You never told your parents about any of it?”
“You do know me.” He cradled her jaw and ran his thumb across her cheek. “You have the softest skin,” he noted absently. “I want my lips against some part of your body every minute of every day. I want to kiss you and make love to you and, yes, I am definitely missing that, blossom. But...” He sighed and moved his hand to her hip, shifting his gaze to the headboard. “These pills have side effects. Insomnia, heartburn, muscle tension, dry eyes. Erectile dysfunction. That’s another reason I put off starting them,” he said wryly.
“Oh. So you can’t...?”
“I can. But it’s not as... Let’s talk about that when it’s relevant,” he dismissed. “Most of the side effects will settle down after a while, and hopefully our lives will, too. Then I can wean off the pills and my little issues won’t matter.”
They weren’t little, but at least they weren’t as dire as she’d feared.
“Thank you for telling me all this.” She squeezed his thigh again. “It helps to know what’s going on for you. I’m sorry I pressured you to talk about something so private.”
“You’re my wife. Keeping it from you bothered me. I don’t want secrets between us.” He leaned down to kiss her.
It was sweet and soft and tender and made all her love glow like a dawn sun inside her.
When they broke apart, she had to say it. Had to. It had been building for so long, and now he’d opened himself up, letting her see his most vulnerable inner self.
“I love you.”
A light flared in his eyes before his expression shuttered, hiding it. Denying it?
She quickly closed her eyes, ignoring the way his rebuff sheared off a layer of her heart. “It’s okay if you don’t want to say it back, but I couldn’t keep it in any longer.”
“Ivy.” He spoke in a shaken voice and set his hand on the side of her neck, where her pulse probably throbbed against the heel of his palm hard enough to alarm him.
“Honestly.” She brought his palm to her mouth. “It’s okay. I just needed you to know. No secrets.” Her smile was unsteady as she peeked at him.
He didn’t smile back. His brow was tortured. “Blossom, I don’t know if I’m capable of that sort of love.” His tone was laden with those painful words—no secrets.
Her heart gave a wounded cry, but she understood him better now. “I know.”
She was trying to ease his tension by letting him know she didn’t blame him, but he flinched and the lines of agitation in his face deepened.
The anguished silence between them might have dragged out for hours, but the butler texted to say the midwife had arrived.
“The other woman in my life,” Ivy said with a weak smile. She was actually grateful to have her. The woman had become a close friend. She was the kindest, most thorough and confidence-inspiring person in the world.
Jun Li smiled faintly and went downstairs to bring her up to Ivy.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
“IT MAKES ME wonder if this baby is all we have.”
All the pills in the world couldn’t drown out Ivy’s vulnerable words.
Jun Li heard them on repeat in his head, along with, “I love you. I couldn’t keep it in any longer.”
She had humbled him with that. With the fact she had felt so deeply about him for a while and kept it to herself. She humbled him every day as she took every smidge of the doctor’s and midwife’s advice to heart, accepted treatment from his mother’s acupuncturist and choked down Chinese medicine once the specialist okayed her to supplement with it.
She was quietly fighting with everything in her to give their baby its best chance.
Because she feared the baby was all they had between them.
That wasn’t true at all, but his damned dark brain kept dredging up those same fears he hadn’t let her voice. If they didn’t have the baby, he would be devastated. More than he could articulate. So would she, and there was no way he could protect her from that sort of pain. The threat of it was turning him inward to brood.
And he was bottling everything so he wouldn’t spill any on Ivy and scare the hell out of her. His medication could only do so much. He would need the sort of tranquilizer that dropped a bull elephant to really do the job.
Somehow her acceptance of his limitations where love was concerned kept stabbing through all his best efforts to numb his emotions, though. He couldn’t help wondering if he was fighting on two different fronts. Maybe he was still trying to protect himself after that youthful offering of his heart had turned so painful.
For years, he had lumped all that dark time in Canada together as one bleak episode that he had firmly put behind him. Where was the use in picking apart those years to find which scars belonged to which injuries? That could crack the urn where he was keeping all his suppressed emotions.
He was compelled to do something tangible for Ivy, though. Something that demonstrated he did care for her, more than he knew how to express.
That’s what had brought him to his parents’ home in the Bund today.
“Jun Li,” his father greeted him with mild surprise as he joined Jun Li in the office that was dusted daily but otherwise no longer saw much use. “Ivy?” he asked with concern.
“As well as we can expect. Her blood pressure has been coming up in the last week. They gave her medication the other day to help the baby’s lungs develop. We’re hoping she lasts to thirty-six weeks, but it’s likely they’ll have to induce labor soon.”
His father made a noise of concern, but they were interrupted briefly as tea was brought in. His father invited him to sit, and they settled into the comfortable chairs, poured tea and took a few moments to appreciate it.
“You want to discuss a restructure with the company?” his father prompted.
“I do.” A cleaving sensation pried in his chest. Jun Li felt disloyal and ungrateful even bringing this up, but when he looked into the future, he saw Ivy and their baby first, not the company. “I’d like to cancel the expansion. And sell off all but the core infrastructure division.”
His father’s brows went up. After a moment, he brought his tea to his lips and sipped.
“Something will fail otherwise. I will.” Jun Li abandoned his cup and rose to pace. “It galls me to say I can’t do it all. I know you built and managed all this while supporting a wife and child, but I can already tell that something will suffer if I don’t narrow my focus. Ivy and the baby will suffer. I’ve been forced to delegate more while Ivy has been so ill, but that’s not sustainable. The expansion would be a feather in our cap, but I find myself asking, How much is enough? How does it provide more security than we currently have? Isn’t it more prudent to do fewer things well than many things poorly?”
Jun Li looked out to the Huangpu River, waiting for his father’s response. There were knots of self-reproach in his stomach, but his father was never one to speak without considering his words. It took a few minutes.
“You seem to be crediting me with building an empire by myself. I had your mother. Your aunts and uncles. I had you. Would we have anything in Canada if you hadn’t driven those investments? You’re a strong leader, Jun Li. Ambitious and capable. The way you’ve stepped into my shoes makes me very proud, but I never ran this alone the way you do. I supported the
expansion because it was what you wanted. I will always stand behind you. You’re my son.”
The back of Jun Li’s throat grew tight, partly from his father’s willingness to support his decision, which was a relief, but more from the sentiment in them. They weren’t a family that used the word love openly, but when his father said, “You’re my son,” that’s what he was saying. I love you. Jun Li heard it clear as a gong that reverberated in his ears.
For a few seconds, all he could think was that he had said the same to Ivy more than once. You’re my wife. It was a different type of love to his father’s for him, but that’s what it was. Deep, enduring love.
“Your cousin would like a more prominent role,” his father mused. “Perhaps rather than sell off those divisions, move them under a different banner and give her the role of president. Keep it in the family, at least.”
“That’s a good idea.” Jun Li came back and retook his seat, mind quickly seeing the potential. They discussed it further, then he called Ivy. “I’d like to run up to Beijing to see my cousin. Will you be all right without me for a few more hours?”
* * *
For a moment, Ivy couldn’t speak. When she drew a breath, it broke slightly. He heard it.
“You’re crying.” His voice gentled. “I’ll leave now and come straight home.”
“No. I was just speaking to Dad,” she admitted.
“You’re homesick? Did you tell him to come? I’ll arrange it.”
“He’s going to call my assistant.” She wasn’t homesick. That was the problem. She had realized the place she thought of as home was wherever her husband happened to be. Jun Li had become her world.
It made her realize she had not become the woman she had aspired to be when she had had her affair with him. For a brief time, she’d been self-possessed and capable of creating happiness for herself, not relying on a man to provide it to her. She had promised herself she wouldn’t fall for a man who didn’t love her, but she had. She was both desolate and deliriously happy.
The worst part was, Jun Li deserved her love. He was considerate and respectful, and when she reached for him in the night, he took her hand and kissed her knuckles, silently reassuring her that she wasn’t alone in the dark.
She was trying to understand how detached and untethered he must have felt all those years, suffering in silence, alone in a country that wasn’t home. He’d been betrayed at a young age, too. She didn’t want to pressure him to feel things that didn’t come naturally, but she couldn’t deny that she was hurting right now. She needed a little time to put herself back together before he came home.
“I’m fine,” she lied. “Just wishing the aspirin was doing a better job with my headache. The midwife is coming soon. I’ll ask her if I can take anything else. Then I’ll have a nap and won’t even notice you’re not home yet.”
“All right. Text me if anything changes.”
“I will.”
“Ivy—” He cut himself off.
“Yes?”
There was a lengthy silence where she heard her own pulse in her ears.
“I’ll tell you when I get home,” he said in a voice she’d never heard. It was tender and strong and wedged itself against her heart. “I’ll be back before you go to bed.”
“Is that supposed to be funny?” she asked with mock ire.
He gave a dry chuckle.
Another silence fell between them, one that acknowledged the distance between them. She wanted to say Come home. Not because she was scared or lonely or feeling less than one hundred percent. She was all those things, but she wanted to be with him. I need you.
Don’t be that person, she admonished herself.
“The midwife is here,” she said as the butler appeared at the door. “Travel safe. I love you.”
“I’ll see you soon.”
* * *
Me too. That was what he should have said. I love you, too.
His heart was swelling like a balloon. A thousand thoughts and words had filled his throat, none of which did justice to the intensity of what he was experiencing. He had swallowed it back, wanting to get it right. He might not be the most romantic man in the world, but he thought the first time he opened his heart to his wife, he ought to do it in person.
He ended the call, and the glow that her voice had instilled in him continued to warm him as he continued with his day.
Four hours later, he shook his cousin’s hand. She was smiling broadly, excited for the prospect of new responsibilities. He wanted to caution her to be careful what she asked for, but he was feeling too lighthearted. He was more optimistic than he’d been in a long time.
He was considering the best way to tell Ivy. He couldn’t claim he had done this entirely for her. It was for himself and his own sanity, but also for them. For their growing family.
Deep down, he hoped she would see it as the grand gesture a man made when he wanted the woman he loved to know how deep his feelings ran. He wanted her to know that she was his priority. His everything.
He said his goodbye to his cousin and turned to the door as his assistant rushed in from ordering the helicopter. His face was pale, his voice urgent. He thrust out his phone.
“Sir. A message about your wife. She’s had a seizure. The ambulance is on its way to the house.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
“IT WAS VERY SUDDEN,” the midwife told him as she escorted him to the maternity ward. “I put the fetal heart rate monitor on her in the afternoon and came back a few hours later to check it. The baby was not in distress, but her blood pressure had gone up. I said we should go to the hospital as a precaution. She wanted to call you, but before she could pick up the phone... Thankfully, she was on the bed and didn’t fall. They delivered by surgery and it went well. She’s in critical care. Your son is doing very well.”
She took him into a nursery, where most of the babies were in open cradles, but she led him to the impossibly small, black-haired infant wearing only a diaper as he sprawled on his back in an enclosed unit.
“He’s breathing on his own but getting a little oxygen as a precaution. He doesn’t have much body fat, so we’re keeping him warm. Those wires are monitors, again for precaution. Would you like to touch him?”
Jun Li was numb from the anxiety of his travel here and felt split in half as he washed his hands. Mentally, he was racing through the corridors in search of Ivy. He’d nearly had a stroke when he got the news about her seizure. He wouldn’t be able to breathe properly until he’d seen her and reassured himself she was all right.
The other half of him was here, taking in a miracle that put tears of gratitude in his eyes. How had he been afraid of what it meant to be a father? He knew exactly what he needed to do. He had to reassure his son that he was here. That all would be well.
As he reached through the aperture, his hand shook. It looked ridiculous, like the meaty paw of a giant as he ever so gently let it come to rest on his son’s warm, bare belly, careful not to dislodge the stub of his umbilical cord. His new, thin skin was softer even than Ivy’s cheek.
As Jun Li touched him, the boy’s limbs seemed to fold in like a flower to clutch at his hand. It was reflexes—Jun Li knew that in his rational mind. In his heart, it was the yearning of a child to be held safely by its parent.
I’m here. I will always protect you, he silently promised.
He leaned his free arm on the top of the warming unit and rested his forehead on his wrist, breathing against the glass as he gazed on his son. He had Ivy’s mouth, as if he needed anything more to imprint himself on the center of Jun Li’s heart. The rise and fall of his tiny belly against his palm was timed to the heavy drum of Jun Li’s heart in his chest.
This baby shouldn’t have even happened. The forces that had come together to make him were impossible odds, yet here he was. He was a gift from a benevolent god. The link th
at had pulled Ivy’s life into his own, joining them forever. He was so grateful for that. So grateful.
“Does he have a name?” the midwife asked gently.
He and Ivy had discussed several, but he refused to make that decision without her.
I have to find your mother. I’ll be back. I love you.
Jun Li left a piece of his heart in the enclosure as he withdrew his hand and straightened.
“I need to see my wife.”
* * *
“Blossom. My heart, my sunshine, my soul. Come back to me. You know I need you.”
Ivy smiled in her sleep, not wanting to wake, because in her dream Jun Li was finally saying the things she had longed to hear.
“Destiny brought us together, Ivy. Fate. That is not something you can sleep through.”
“I know you can hear me. You’re smiling. Don’t you want to see our son? Open your eyes.”
Her hand was lifted, which somehow dragged her the final distance out of her heavy sleep and forced her to blink her eyes open.
Jun Li held her knuckles against his mouth. His expression shone with such emotion, such love, her vision immediately blurred with tears.
“I want you to stop scaring years off my life. Do you think you can do that?” he asked with gentle humor. “Because I want as much time as possible with you.”
“Is—” She moved her free hand to her empty belly, discovered she was wearing an IV wire on that hand. She was in a hospital. “Did you say son?”
“Yes. He’s small but strong and fierce and beautiful. A quiet little fighter, like his mother. Do you know how much I love you, Ivy?”
“No.” Yes. She could see it gleaming in his eyes. It went into her like a force that scattered light and joy within her, making her feel so special and precious, she wanted to close her eyes against it. It was almost too much to bear, being loved this hard by this man.
“I should have been here.” His regret was palpable.
“You’re here now.” She really should have paid attention to the fact he had always been there in the ways that counted. She swallowed the knot that formed in her throat.