Russ looked at me sympathetically. ‘I’m sorry. It’s definitely her,’ he said quietly.
He began explaining that they had identified the body using DNA, from the sample they had taken from Becky’s toothbrush, but his voice faded out. All I could think was that my little girl was dead. She had been found only a mile away from our home. The way he worded it – body parts – made my stomach lurch, and I ran to the bathroom to be sick. However, I had been surviving on cans of cola for days, so nothing came out. I looked into the toilet bowl, shaking with shock and anger, with beads of cold sweat prickling my neck. I had horrendous images of my daughter cut into pieces. How many? Did the police even have all of her, or was some still missing? It was unbearable.
I slowly walked back into the room, and that was when I felt a bomb explode inside me. My daughter was dead. I no longer had any hope of ever seeing her again. It all became too much to bear. I let out a huge roar and completely lost the plot. I couldn’t see anything clearly – everything around me went blurry and fuzzy, and time slowed right down. I felt furious with everything and everyone as I punched the floor and the wall, and grabbed the nearest thing I could reach – one of my shoes – and threw it hard across the room. It bounced off the wall.
Russ, Jo and Anjie just watched me in silence. Anjie finally broke down then, letting out a massive, heart-breaking wail and gripping her head in her hands. I felt as if the ground was giving way beneath me, so I let myself slump down the bed and tried to catch my breath.
Russ gave us some time to pull ourselves together a bit, then slowly, gently, he began to explain that Becky’s remains had been found in a man’s house at number 9 Barton Court, in the Barton Hill area of Bristol. The man was called Karl Demetrius. Apparently Nathan knew him. Anjie and I looked at each other.
‘I’ve never heard of him,’ I said. ‘We weren’t even aware that Nathan had many friends. He usually only hangs out with his girlfriend. Do you know this guy, Anj?’
Anjie shook her head, still sobbing quietly. She looked so small and confused, sitting there in her wheelchair, that I reached across and gave her hand a squeeze.
‘What evidence is there that Nathan had anything to do with this?’ I asked.
‘Becky’s blood was detected on the doorframe outside her bedroom,’ Russ said. ‘And Nathan’s fingerprints were also there. When we arrested him, he told us where the body parts were. We searched the property and they were there. He admitted being responsible for her death, Darren. We have charged him with Becky’s murder, and Shauna with perverting the course of justice.’
I stared at him in shock, followed by what I can only describe as revulsion and contempt. In a flash, every loving feeling I’d ever had for my stepson disappeared, and in its place red-hot hatred ran through my veins.
‘That fucking bastard,’ I muttered, and Anjie cried even harder. ‘What the fuck was he doing? What the fuck made him do that to her? I’m going to fucking kill him.’
I rocked back and forth in my seat manically, feeling unhinged. The more I thought about it, the more everything started to fall into place. That’s why there had been no sightings of Becky after she had supposedly left the house. Nathan and Shauna were there at the time she’d apparently left, and they were the ones who said she had gone out. Nobody else saw Becky leave.
I felt dumbfounded. Nathan might not have been perfect, but I regarded him as my son, and Shauna had become family to us too. It had never occurred to me before that they could be lying, that they could be responsible somehow. I didn’t ever consider it. I simply trusted what they were saying because neither of them gave me any reason to believe otherwise. The betrayal took the wind out of me. It was crushing. I felt like the stupidest man on the planet.
How could a member of my own family carry out such a thing, hurt a young girl like that? I couldn’t contemplate how Nathan could callously take her life, without a care in the world. How could he cut her into pieces? She was his stepsister. She had adored him from the day they first met. The first word she ever spoke had been his name. What had Becky done to deserve this? What must he have thought of her to do such a thing?
I couldn’t think of a single reason why he would do it. It would have been far easier if a stranger had murdered her. Instead, it was a man I had raised as my own son, who had accompanied us on our many family holidays while Becky was growing up. Someone whom I had supported financially and emotionally for more than a decade. A best man at my wedding. The betrayal stung so badly, it made it ten times worse.
I was lost in my own thoughts for what felt like ages as I tried to come to terms with the utter devastation we had just been dealt. Anjie was inconsolable by this point. She looked as if she could drop dead with shock. I felt terrible for her. Her own son had done this to the teenage girl she had brought up as a daughter. It was unbearable for her knowing that her own flesh and blood had done something so vile. I held her hand tightly, aware that my whole body was shaking violently.
From that moment on, I discarded any feelings of affection I ever had for Nathan. All the happy memories I had of him – taking him for his driving test, enlisting him in the army cadets and taking him out for his first pint – were forced from my mind. All that was left was anger, hurt and hatred. I had never felt a hate so strong in my entire life. As far as I was concerned, Nathan was no longer a member of my family. He was absolute poison.
‘I’m going to kill him,’ I kept repeating, and Russ and Jo looked at each other uncomfortably. ‘In the slowest, most painful way possible. If it’s the last thing I ever do, I am going to kill him.’
My feelings for Shauna were similar. In that explosive moment I was reminded of my instinct the first time I saw her. I knew from the moment I set eyes on her that she was bad news. I knew that it made me feel uncomfortable to watch Nathan and her play happy families, but I could never figure out why. Instead, I allowed her into our lives, into our family. Shauna had told Anjie and me that we were the closest thing to a family she had ever known. And this was how she repaid us? I couldn’t believe it.
‘I knew she was bad news,’ I muttered to Anjie, bitterly. ‘I never, ever should have allowed her anywhere near this family. I should have told her to fuck off, right from the start. I should have thrown her out of our fucking house.’
Russ held his up hand. ‘Please try to calm down, Darren,’ he said softly.
I just glared at him. ‘How calm would you be if it happened to your daughter?’
I knew it wasn’t his fault, but at that moment Russ was the bearer of bad news. I was the most vulnerable and hurt I’d ever been in my entire life.
Jo tried then, with a more sympathetic tone. ‘I know it must be incredibly difficult for you both. It’s completely understandable that you feel angry. I can’t begin to imagine how you feel.’
I nodded, took a deep breath and tried hard to regain my composure. I squeezed Anjie’s hand even tighter. She still hadn’t said anything.
‘When can we see her?’ I asked quietly.
‘We’ll find out for you as soon as we can,’ Jo replied.
There were a few more practical details Russ and Jo had to share with us, but I didn’t take much in. They said Tanya and Danny would be informed by their own family liaison officers, but it was up to us to tell the rest of the family. As soon as they left, I gave Anjie a massive hug. She felt fragile in my arms. We were both shaking with shock.
‘Shall we have a drink, love?’ I asked, and she nodded tearfully. We were in such deep shock, hurting so badly that having a drink was the only thing I could think of to numb the pain.
That afternoon, we sat in the bar together and I sank several vodkas. At one point, the latest update on Becky’s disappearance appeared on screen. It said that ‘body parts’ had been discovered at an address in Bristol and that two people had been arrested. A further four people had also been seized on suspicion of assisting an offender. Who were they? We didn’t think Nathan had any friends. Why would they have agr
eed to help him?
I put my drink down and stared at the screen. Something about it being on television brought home to me that it was actually happening. The woman behind the bar noticed the look on my face, and when she asked me if she should switch the channel, I nodded grimly.
I kept trying to think of something to say to Anjie, but every time I opened my mouth the words wouldn’t come. For the most part, we sat in silence and stared into space. What do you say to comfort the woman you love when her son has just admitted to killing your daughter? It was too much to take in.
That day, I tried my very best to drink myself into oblivion, until the room was spinning and my words were slurred. More than anything, I wanted the drink to take the edge off the pain I was feeling, but if anything it just intensified it. I went to bed that night a completely broken man.
The following morning, Russ called to say that we were to be questioned further following the discovery of Becky’s body parts. We were going to be taken to separate police stations, on opposite sides of Bristol.
‘Why do we have to be separated?’ I asked, but Russ just said it was to do with where they had space.
He then told us that they knew the cause of death: Becky had been suffocated. He assured us that it would have been quick. I had dozens of questions. How was she suffocated? Where was she? But he said we could only be told a limited amount while they were still putting the legal case together.
The police came to get Anjie first.
‘I’ll see you later,’ I said as I helped her into the car.
I turned to one of the officers. ‘My wife relies on me to take care of her, so if she needs something, please make sure she gets it.’
When I got to the station where I was being questioned, I went in with quite a different viewpoint than on the last time I’d been there. I wasn’t going to defend Nathan any more. He had already admitted killing Becky. Instead, I told them everything I could think of that might help, while still being honest about his personality and his relationships with the different members of our family.
‘What is he like as a father?’ they asked me.
‘I have to admit, he is a good father,’ I said. ‘He does everything for his child.’
‘Does he have a temper?’ they pressed.
‘Yes, he does, occasionally,’ I answered. ‘He can sometimes have a bit of a short fuse. But I never would have thought that he would be able to do what he has, not in a million years. I never knew he was a monster, otherwise he would not have been welcome in my home. He was always a good enough kid.’
I had mentioned in previous police interviews how young Shauna was when he first got involved with her, and I had already told them about the incident when he brought home those twelve-year-old girls in his car. At the time, I had thought it was a wind-up, but now, after everything he had done, I believed he was capable of anything. This time I made sure I mentioned it again. It seemed to take on new significance, somehow.
My mind was turning over every memory I’d ever had of Nathan. I remembered those times when he kept jumping out on Becky to scare her. I had dismissed that as just an older brother trying to wind up his younger sister, distressing as it was, but now it felt much more sinister and evil.
There were so many things that kept circling around in my mind. When I looked back, Nathan and Shauna had seemed to be getting on better with Becky in the few months before her death, and I had been pleased. Was that all part of the plan? Was he trying to get Becky to trust him so that he could attack her?
I spoke to the police for hours that day. Talking about Nathan for such a long time made me feel incredibly angry and bitter. My mind started to fill with some disturbing images as I fantasised about what I would do if I ever got my hands on him. I thought about killing him, about chopping him up – just as he did to my precious little girl. Thinking such awful, sick things made me feel disgusted with myself, but I couldn’t help it. I found myself in some dark places, and began to worry that maybe I was somehow as twisted as him. It was an uncomfortable feeling, but I now think that most fathers would feel the same way. I kept reminding myself that I only felt that way because of what he had chosen to do to my daughter.
I was mentally and physically exhausted by the time I was driven back to the hotel. I had no doubt that Anjie was feeling the same too. When I got back to our room, she was already there, waiting for me. She looked completely worn out.
‘You all right, love?’ I asked as I walked in.
She simply nodded.
‘How the fuck are we ever going to get through this, after what he’s done?’ I suddenly blurted out. ‘I’m going to kill him, that’s for sure. If I ever get close to him again, I will end him. He won’t get away with this.’
Anjie got upset then. She stifled a sob before speaking. ‘Dar, I can’t listen to you go on about him like that,’ she whispered. ‘He’s still my son, whatever he’s done. How do you think I feel, knowing he’s done this to our family?’
I tried to rein it in a bit more after that. I was so caught up in my own anguish that I was forgetting about the woman who had always been there for me, my rock. Whatever I was going through, it had to be ten times worse for her, knowing that her own son was the monster who had done all of this.
‘I’m sorry, my love,’ I said, wrapping my arms around her. ‘Anj, I’m sorry. I’m just falling apart. I’ve lost my girl.’
‘I have too,’ she said, meeting my gaze. ‘Becky was my daughter too. I feel just as betrayed as you by all of this. I’m devastated. I just can’t understand why he did this to us.’
Over the next few days, our family gathered around us and gave us the strength we needed to cope. I could only take one day at a time. Thinking about a future without Becky in it was too painful.
Meanwhile, Anjie became worried about the effect Becky’s murder would have on our marriage. It had never entered my head that Anjie could be held responsible for Nathan’s actions, but she grew scared that I was going to leave her. She relied on me for so much more than love and emotional support – throughout her illness I had been the main person who took care of her.
‘Are we all right, you and I?’ she blurted out one evening when we were watching television. ‘Are you going to leave me, Darren? Because of him?’
My heart stung when I heard those words. I sat down next to her and looked into her eyes. ‘Of course not,’ I told her firmly. ‘I would never blame you for what he has done. I love you. You’re my soulmate, and I’m not going anywhere. I can’t be without you, you silly thing.’
Anjie smiled weakly, then started to sob into my shoulder.
That night, I comforted her. It seemed like one of us was always falling apart during those days, while the other one would try desperately to put them back together again.
Chapter 10
Saying goodbye
It was always the same dream that tortured me during the nights. Becky being attacked by Nathan, and her terrified screaming as she realised that this time he wasn’t just fooling around. Shauna holding her hand tightly over my girl’s mouth to shut her up. The fear on her face and my desperate frustration at not being able to save her.
It always ended with me waking up drenched in sweat, with tears stinging my eyes and my mind filled with terrible images of what Becky might look like after her brutal murder.
An agonising two days passed from the day Russ and Jo first told us the terrible news to when we were allowed to see Becky. Two days of trying to come to terms with the fact that she had been killed, and that my stepson and his girlfriend had been arrested on suspicion of her murder. I can count on the fingers of one hand the hours of sleep I managed to get in that period.
When Anjie and I had a call from the police to tell us we could see Becky, we arranged to drive to the morgue the following day, 5 March. To be honest, even though I had been told my beautiful girl was gone, there was a part of me that needed to see her body to accept that it was true. I guess I was still holding
onto a tiny shred of hope – maybe that poor girl was somebody else’s daughter, not my Becky.
I woke up that morning feeling numb, and Anjie and I got ourselves dressed without saying much. What was there to say? I didn’t dare eat any breakfast.
The drive to the mortuary in Flax Bourton, North Somerset, was also spent in silence. I was trying my hardest to focus on the roads to stop myself conjuring up images of what we were about to see.
I knew that the police had found the body severed into several pieces, but we weren’t warned as to what to expect when we saw her. All Russ and Jo had said beforehand was ‘Becky is all there.’
The idea of seeing her in that state horrified me, but I knew I had to do it. If it was Becky in there, I had to say my goodbyes. I owed her that much.
We pulled into the car park and I squeezed my Land Rover into one of the spaces. I helped Anjie out and into her wheelchair, and I pushed her slowly to the front of the old building, where Russ and Jo were waiting for us.
It was a grey day, typical British weather for March. The building was set in rural grounds, and I couldn’t help but think how much Becky would have enjoyed exploring the countryside nearby. She never much cared what the weather was like – she just loved any excuse to pull her wellies on. Some of our happiest times were spent outside together.
As we approached Russ and Jo, I nodded grimly before we all walked inside. The officers went into the room where the body was kept first, to check everything was OK. Five minutes later, they returned.
‘She’s ready for you now,’ Russ said. ‘You don’t need to rush. Take your time.’
I looked at Anjie, who was shaking, and I nodded again. Words were beyond me at that point.
‘We’ll be just out here if you need us,’ Jo added as she opened the door for us. I took a deep breath and pushed Anjie through. My heart was hammering so hard in my chest that I wondered if I was having a heart attack.
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