The letter provided no answers, and Anjie was traumatised by reading it. When we were finally told about the letter, which had been kept from us for around eight months, she hoped that he would at least say sorry in it, but instead she was left bitterly hurt and angry.
I know we will never fully recover from Becky’s murder, but I feel incredibly proud of the support we have received from the country, and from Bristol in particular. People rallied around us in our desperate time of need, and gave us strength, friendship and love. The masses of people at her funeral showed how much Becky was loved and how much the city supported us. It restored my faith in humanity, as I was humbled time and time again by the kindness we were shown.
I still talk to Becky all the time, and her bedroom remains a place of solace for me. I know I’ll see her again on the other side. For now, the words my dad sang at her funeral ring true to me every single day.
Somewhere
There’s a place for us,
A time and place for us.
Hold my hand and we’re halfway there
Hold my hand and I’ll take you there,
Somehow, someday, somewhere.
Afterword by Anjie Galsworthy
Whenever I am asked how the past year has been for me, I struggle with my answer. How on earth do you convey the devastation, despair and gut-wrenching grief that comes from having your whole family ripped apart? How do you begin to explain that once upon a time your life was filled with love and laughter – and now there is just emptiness?
A lot of people say that they can’t believe my husband, Darren, and I are still together after my son, Nathan, brutally murdered his daughter, Becky. This experience has tested us beyond belief – but, to be truthful, the main reason Darren and I are so strong together is because simply we have had to be. We only really have each other, because nobody else could ever understand the hurt, confusion and betrayal we have suffered. The loss we feel, not only at the absence of beautiful Becky, but at losing such a huge part of our precious family, is completely indescribable.
My now-empty home used to be a sanctuary, a place for my children to feel safe and a place for Darren and me to raise the family we both always wanted. There were some difficult times along the way, but we always got through them together. We knew we had something really special.
But now, Darren and I rattle around the house not quite knowing what to do with ourselves. We are lucky still to have Danny in our lives, and to have a loving and supportive wider family, but life will never be the same for any of us after Becky’s death.
From the minute I met Becky, I fell for her instantly. With her big hazel eyes and cute smile, she had me hooked. Right from the word go, she adored me and I adored her. She was every inch my daughter. When I think of her now, I try to remember the good times we shared, rather than the tragic way her life came to an end. I have hundreds of happy memories of my time with her, and nobody can ever take them away. As a child, Becky was my sidekick, my mini-me. She was always with me, usually with her little arms around my neck, clinging on for dear life. Far from finding it annoying, I treasured that affectionate side of Becky and felt protective towards her. She was a sweet little girl, and I wanted nothing more than to take good care of her.
When she discovered that I wasn’t her biological mother, she cried for hours on end – and so did I. I always felt like she was my daughter, so it broke my heart to see her so upset. I feared we’d never have that same bond again, that, from then on, something would always be missing. How wrong I was, as our relationship grew even stronger from that day.
I miss Becky so much it physically hurts. I can’t bear to set foot in her bedroom, the room where I would curl up with her and read to her, the room where she spent so much time as a teenager. The room in which she was murdered. Even the cat doesn’t sleep there any more. There is an eerie silence in my house now that she is missing. I would do anything for her to walk through the door one more time: for the door to slam, for her to plonk herself down on the sofa next to me, to be able to chat to her once more – about life, boys, her hopes and dreams. I think Becky would have grown up to be a good, kind and determined young woman. She was just starting to live life, to gain enough confidence to go out into the world and carve out a path for herself. It’s a crying shame she never got the chance.
Part of the reason I loved Becky so much was because she was so much like her dad. They both hated to admit it, but they were very similar. They shared the same stubborn streak, the same loyalty to their friends and family, and many of the same mannerisms. I used to find it hilarious when they argued with each other, both of them sounding exactly alike. She was a beautiful girl; I don’t think anyone could deny that. She didn’t see it, though. She hated her nose and used to blame her father for passing it on to her. She suffered a crisis of confidence for years and was painfully shy, but it was lovely when she finally started coming out of her shell.
People often ask me how I feel about Nathan after what he did. Of course, I still love him – he is my son. When you’re a mother, you can’t ignore that unconditional love for your children, no matter what they do. But I will never, ever forgive him for what he did to our family. With one brutal and inconceivable act, he destroyed the many years of guidance, support and nourishment we had worked so hard to provide. He revealed a side of himself that I never knew was there. The boy I gave birth to grew up to be a monster, and that is very difficult to come to terms with. I find myself worrying about how he is coping in prison, yet at the same time knowing that he completely deserves to be in there. It is agonising.
The main question I have for Nathan is, Why? Why take another person’s life for no good reason other than irritation with her for behaving like any teenager? Becky surely didn’t deserve the death penalty for simply backchatting and being a stroppy kid. Nathan was the same at her age, but never once did I think he deserved to die because of it.
My second question for him is whether he ever cared for Darren, the man who brought him up and loved him like a son. Did he ever love me, his mum, the one person who loved him more than life itself? Why would he kill somebody whom I adored, whom I raised as my own? Why would he shatter our family into tiny pieces? What happened to his mental state to conceive and carry out such a horrific act? There is a huge difference between the son I knew and the man he has become, and it terrifies me. One day, I hope to have the courage to visit Nathan in prison and ask him these questions face to face.
I have beaten myself up over and over again, asking whether there were any signs that Nathan was going to do what he did, or if there was anything I could have done differently as a mother. The answer is that I can’t think of anything that pointed to this, or anything we could have done to prevent it. If I had known what he was planning, or how twisted his mind had become, I would have been able to stop him murdering Becky. I would have got him the help he needed and we would still be a family. And, despite me having severe MS, if I had been in the house when he attacked Becky, I would have crawled up those stairs to stop him. I would have defended any of our children with my life.
When Nathan stole Becky’s life, our world imploded. I feared that Darren would blame me. I was terrified that this might be too much of a burden on our marriage and that he might not be able to be with me any more. But I can honestly say that I did everything I could for Becky and Danny throughout their lives. They were just as much my children as Nathan was, and I think Darren knows that. Our whole life was built around our family, and we always put the children first.
I am grateful for my amazingly strong and loyal husband. I truly believe we are soulmates. When I was a teenager, I always knew I would end up with Darren; I just couldn’t work out how. The effort he made with Nathan will forever mean the world to me. We share some incredible memories together. Whatever has happened, I will always be thankful for that.
Picture Section
Becky was six when this picture was taken in summer 2005 at home in Crown Hill.
Becky is eight here, in her usual position around Anjie’s neck. Becky loved swimming in the ocean – she was a proper water baby.
This picture was taken on the beach on a family holiday in Weymouth.
This picture was taken during a family holiday at Cofton Holiday Park, Dawlish, during the summer of 2003. Becky is four here, Danny is seven and Nathan is fifteen. We went to Dawlish often as the kids enjoyed it so much.
In winter 2009 Bristol got completely covered in snow. Becky was ten and absolutely loved it. We played out for hours and this snowman was built in a field opposite our home in St George’s.
Ten-year-old Becky and me at Bristol Zoo in 2009. Becky loved animals so much, she used to beg us to take her there. It was one of her favourite places to go.
Another family holiday in Dawlish, during the summer of 2007. Becky is eight here and we spent the day at the beach.
Becky, aged ten, in summer 2009 on the day she brought her cat Marley home from Bristol Dogs and Cats Home. He was a tiny kitten and very cute – however, he soon grew to be a large, feisty cat!
Becky is twelve in this picture. She was in the middle of her struggle with anorexia.
Becky is twelve in this pictures. It was a very difficult time for us all as she wrestled with her eating disorder, and we were so relieved and proud of her when she managed to beat it.
My lovely wife Anjie and me on our wedding day in August 2013. One of the best days of my life and one of Becky’s favourites too – she was beaming all day.
Becky as a beautiful bridesmaid at our wedding. She had chosen all the bridesmaids’ dresses in her favourite colour – baby blue.
Flowers, teddies and tributes are left outside our home after Becky’s death. The public were a huge support to us during those horrible first few months. (© Getty Images/Matt Cardy)
A horse-drawn carriage takes my beautiful Bex to her final resting place in April 2015. The funeral was funded by the people of Bristol and it was an amazing send-off for an amazing girl. (© Getty Images/Barcroft Media)
I release a single white dove for Becky at her funeral in April 2015. I broke down the minute it flew away – a very emotional moment. (© Getty Images/Barcroft Media)
Me and my family waiting to speak to the press after the guilty verdicts were delivered at Bristol Crown Court in November 2015. The trial was an extremely anxious and emotional time for us all, but we stood together as a unit. (© Getty Images/Matt Cardy)
This is my favourite picture of the two of us – it shows our relationship as father and daughter beautifully. It was taken by Anjie as we took a country walk together on holiday in Cornwall when Becky was thirteen.
Acknowledgements
When Becky was taken from us, our world fell apart. But the support we received from friends, family and strangers alike has helped to restore our faith in humanity. There are simply too many kind people to mention by name, but there are a few people in particular whom I would like to recognise.
Writing Becky’s story has been an emotional and sometimes difficult process, but in many ways it has proved therapeutic for me. As her father, I have so many precious memories of our time together, and I was keen to make sure that Becky is remembered for all the right reasons.
I would like to thank Chantelle Rees for helping me put my story into words, as well as Vicky Eribo, Kate Latham and Gill Paul at HarperCollins. I would also like to thank my agent, Clare Hulton, and Jack Falber at Medavia for making this possible. I would like to express my gratitude to Helen O’Brien and Bede MacGowan for volunteering to read the drafts of the manuscript and for their valuable input into the book. A mention also goes out to Geraldine McKelvie for her essential advice and guidance.
Special thanks must go to the people of Bristol for their incredible support, both when Becky was missing and also during the trial. To the people who came out to help with the search, the people who threw flowers at her funeral, and to those who still support us now – I am grateful from the bottom of my heart, and I couldn’t be prouder to be a part of this great city.
We will be forever in debt to the many people who helped bring Nathan Matthews and Shauna Hoare to justice – namely the dedicated officers from Avon and Somerset Police and everyone from the Crown Prosecution Service who worked on the case. In particular, we would like to say thank you to the judge, Mr Justice James Dingemans, and the jury members. Thank you for making the right decision.
A special mention must go out to our family liaison officers, Russ Jones, Jo Marks and Ziggy Bennett, for their kindness, support and professionalism. We do not underestimate your level of commitment, and we know you put your own lives on hold so that you could support us.
To my work colleagues at Power Electrics: I am indebted to you for the amount of support you have shown me since Becky disappeared. I am lucky to work with such kind people, whom I now regard as friends.
To my family, whom I truly believe are second to none, thank you so much for being an absolute pillar of strength for me and Anjie through this terrible year. Your unconditional love and support gave me courage during my darkest hours, and I will always be so grateful. A special mention goes to my son, Danny: your resilience throughout this ordeal has stunned me, and I couldn’t be prouder of you.
Last, but certainly not least, to my amazing wife, Anjie – thank you for being my rock. Without you, I would have nothing.
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