by Moore, E. M.
“Your personal feelings are clouding your judgment. Zeke was, and continues to be, the best guard-in-training we have at Rajyvik.”
I shook my head, dismissing it for what it was. A lie. “You don’t mean that. When it comes down to them…,” I said, pointing at the space behind Samuel. No doubt they were all there somewhere listening in. “You know I would fight for them harder than anyone else here.”
“Better than T.J.? Better than Lex?”
“You know what I mean,” I said, my voice rising. “I have a reason behind the fight. He doesn’t. He never will. Sure, he’s good, but he doesn’t have the passion I have, especially in this situation. No one would fight harder and you know that. You know that.”
Samuel’s hands lowered and he grabbed his wrist in front of him, a true military stance. “His weapons skills are more advanced than yours. Don’t forget how short your time with us has been. Zeke has been training longer than you have.”
“Training doesn’t have anything to do with it. What about heart? What about having a purpose? You’ve heard those stories before about soccer moms lifting cars off their kids, right? All you need is will, a good enough reason, and you can do anything. I would never let anything hurt them or their family. If I needed it, I would rise to the occasion. It might be dirty, and raw, but I would do it. To send him in is…” I shook my head. …a mistake.
Samuel was finished with my outburst though. “To send him in is the decision that Lex and I made. Gregor has already approved them, and there’s nothing more to be said about it. Talking any more about it is hindering what everyone else is trying to do in there. You want to be worthy, you want to ‘rise to the occasion’ as you put it? Get in there and be whatever we need you to be, even if it means sucking up your pride and having to take one on the chin. You said you want to help? That is how you can do it.” He walked forward, his toes millimeters away from mine. “Or maybe I really was wrong about you after all.”
He glared at me before spinning and exiting the little stone alcove. My shoulders deflated as his steps retreated back down to the training room, back down to where the fights would be won. Competitions weren’t won in the matches themselves, they were won in practices and in training, through the blood and the sweat and the injuries. I’d heard him say that many times before. Him throwing it in my face now was just another blow.
Tears fell over this time. Shame. Confusion. And still, there was that betrayal rotting in my stomach underneath it all and souring everything. I let myself wallow in it for a few more seconds and then brushed the wetness away from my face as quick as they fell. I breathed out, my cheeks filling and then deflating as I tried to calm myself. I closed my eyes. What had Samuel said that wasn’t true? Zeke was good. I couldn’t deny that. The decision had been made. There was nothing I could change. The only thing left was what I’d intended to do in the first place before I found out who they’d chosen over me. There was more work to do. I couldn’t just sit by. It wasn’t in my nature. Never had been even when I was Ariana Nobody from Calcutta and getting self defense advice from the homeless guy down the street.
I walked forward and fell back in step with my flanking princes just as seamlessly as when we walked down here the first time. “Is my face red?” I whispered.
Stephan answered. “A little. You could’ve just been overexerting yourself though.”
“Yeah,” Connor deadpanned. “Maybe we should get sweaty before we go back in there.”
Nicolai’s shoulders shook through his barely contained fit of laughter. “Can we just get through tonight?” he asked in exasperation. “You guys are killing me with the emotions all over the place.”
I heard all this like an outsider. I knew they were doing it for my benefit, but I couldn’t bring myself to be grateful, not when this was one of the biggest fails of my life.
“For the record—” Christian started.
“It doesn’t matter,” I finally said. “Let’s just go in there and do this.”
Without looking back, I moved toward Soren who was working with Lex on takedowns. “Diesel’s a beast,” I heard him say. “He’s big, but he’s also fast. He has the perfect mix of agility and strength that tears through his opponents.”
“Is that supposed to be a pep talk?” Lex quipped.
“It’s reality,” Soren said. His eyes moved around the room until they fell on me. His face pinched together as he regarded me, then he waved me forward. “Ariana can be your uke.”
“Uke?” I asked, confusion stifling the other emotions swirling inside me for the moment.
“You know, training partner. It’s a Japanese term.” When I lifted my eyebrows, he just shook his head. “You need culture.”
And more training apparently. I lifted my shoulders. “What do you need me to do?”
He looked me up and down and then looked Lex up and down. His brows furrowed before he looked over my head, and then back at me. “I’d like to do a takedown evasion drill. Any one of those princes over there any good at…anything?”
“Nicolai,” Lex immediately answered.
“He’s helping train his father,” I said, practically interrupting her, not really knowing why other than the fact it bothered me she knew them so well. And also, she’d been a part of the decision that left me on the sidelines. If I wanted to be honest with myself, that was the only reason. “Christian would be better at the moment.”
Her eyes met mine briefly, and then moved away as she fell back into training stance, testing her balance and working her footwork.
Soren raised his eyebrows at me, but I only looked back at the group, called out for Christian, and waved him over before Soren explained what he wanted us to do. Basically, he wanted a speed attack drill where both of us would try to take Lex down one after the other and she had to do anything she could to get out of it.
Soren didn’t bother giving her instructions. After he explained it to us, I just ran at her, putting my all into trying to get her off her feet. At the last second, she stepped out of the way and threw me, her foot out to catch my leg to take me off my feet. I stood quickly and watched as Christian came at her next, using his speed as an advantage. He got to her more quickly, but the result was the same. It was a bit more messy, but Christian ended up on his back as well. Then, it was my turn again. We did it one after the other until I was drenched in sweat and Christian still looked like he stepped off the cover of a magazine.
Ugh, vampires.
At the end of the training session, Soren again hit home the different warriors Dumont would be sending in and what their attributes were. They agreed that Dumont’s next likely move would be to put Diesel in the arena and that meant it was Lex’s fight tomorrow. If by chance they put any of the others in, Samuel would be ready. I still couldn’t meet his eye, and purposefully avoided him for the rest of the night.
If it weren’t for the tiny voice in the back of my head still telling me it wasn’t fair, it would’ve been a productive night. I knew in my heart of hearts Zeke wasn’t the correct choice. It would’ve been better if they’d chosen someone I’d never heard of before. At least I could take the fighter’s abilities and skills at their word. With Zeke, I knew the truth. I didn’t think I was being biased no matter how many times I went over it and over it in my head. It didn’t change the fact they’d made the wrong decision. Ability wasn’t everything, and after what I witnessed of Zeke, I had to question his heart. End of story.
10
I lay on my bed staring up at the ceiling when the door opened and footsteps came toward me. I didn’t bother looking to see who it was since I could smell his muskiness from here. He sat on the edge of the bed and nudged my leg. “You’ve been quiet.”
I shrugged, my hands still behind my head as I looked at the ceiling like it would give me all the answers I needed. In fact, the ceiling wasn’t telling me anything, only allowing me to wallow in my spiraling thoughts.
“Come on,” Nic said. “You can talk to me. Out of
everyone, you can talk to me about this. You’re pissed.”
“You knew I would be.”
“You would’ve been mad either way even if it wasn’t Zeke. In fact, I was surprised you were taking it so well. I was thinking to myself, ‘Where’s my Ri? Someone’s taken over her body because she should be raging about now.’”
“Ha. Ha.”
He slid me toward the opposite edge, and then laid down beside me, his body taking up the full length of the bed where mine fell short. He mimicked my pose, putting his hands behind his head and staring up at the white ceiling. Designs were carved into it, small arches like rainbows without color. Each one grew on top of the other until they reached from one wall to the other. He didn’t wait very long until he asked, “Does this moping help?”
I squirmed, resisting the urge to look at him. “I’m not moping.”
“So, what is it you’re doing? Do you see something up there I don’t see?”
“No, jackass,” I teased, rolling my eyes. “I just see the ceiling. I’m thinking.”
He blew out a breath. “You can think out loud, and then that way we can talk about it.”
This time I did look at him. I couldn’t resist the urge to send him a doubtful glare. “Shouldn’t Connor or Stephan be in here then?”
He turned toward me, propping his head up on his hand. With all sincerity, he said, “I can listen.”
“Are you going to take offense to that too?”
He was silent for a while before blowing another breath out. “Okay. Enough. Cut the crap. Let’s just talk this out so you can stop being a brat and we can start doing everything we need to do. You want to get mad? Get mad at me. You want to cry? I’m here. You want to yell? I’m here for that too.”
I understood why they sent him in now. He was stubborn. He wouldn’t let this go. But it was more than that too. He had the exact type of reaction they were banking on me having. Irrational.
Well, fine. I was feeling irrational.
I turned toward him, my face tight, my lips strong as they said, “I am angry. I’m furious. Zeke? Over me?”
“It’s bullshit.”
“It is!” I sat up, my hands coming to rest on the comforter between my knees. I gripped the material in my fists. “Utter bullshit! Then Samuel’s trying to tell me Zeke’s better than me. He isn’t. No freaking way. I work my ass off, at least ten times more than him. He wants real life scenarios? I’ve been in real life scenarios. Has Zeke ever tried to scrounge for food, to wonder where they were going to get the next bit of money, or even where they were going to spend the night out of the elements? No. That was me.” I pushed off the bed, standing to my full height and towering down over a still laying Nic. My feet sank into the mattress. “And besides all that, who would fight for you guys more than me?” I held my arms out wide. “Who would die out there? I’m not convinced if it came down to taking one for the team that he wouldn’t back out. He’s a coward.”
Nicolai made a beckoning motion with his hands. “Keep going,” he said. “Lay it all out there. He’s an asshole and doesn’t deserve it. What you said to Samuel was right. He doesn’t have the heart.”
I narrowed my eyes at Nic, wondering if he was doing some sort of Jedi mind trick on me, but I wasn’t sure I actually cared at the moment. I needed to get this out. “It’s not fair. But you know what sucks the most? It’s to think that after this is all said and done, Samuel wasn’t going to choose me to be stationed with you anyway. He was going to choose Zeke all along and there’s nothing I could’ve done.”
Nicolai’s forehead scrunched up, and he pushed up to lean on his hand. “What? You think this means you wouldn’t have graduated number one?”
“It’s obvious, isn’t it? These are mirror situations. He has his man, and he’s sticking with him.”
Nic shook his head. “It’s going to come down to the obstacle course like it always does. You can’t count yourself out.”
“Yeah,” I said, rolling my eyes. “So everyone said, but look what’s happening, Nicolai. I’m not even given the chance. We knew all along Samuel hated that you guys brought me here. I thought he’d gotten over it, thought I’d proved myself, but I was wrong. It was never going to be me.”
Nicolai’s mouth dropped open a little. His dark eyes stayed locked on mine, but I could tell there was a lot going on behind even though he didn’t speak for several long moments. He squirmed on the bed. “You’re wrong. Samuel does like you. He’s said so many times, has praised you. Don’t let this one decision cancel everything else out. I came in here to bitch and complain with you because even though selfishly I’m happy I won’t have to worry about you in a fight, I know I’d be mad about the decision too. But you’re just plain wrong about Samuel, Ri. This decision isn’t an extension of graduating from The Fort. This isn’t an extension of what people think about you. This is just one decision. And yes, it’s fucked up, but it’s not everything. You are everything.”
He took the breath right out of my chest. My heart pumped, slamming against my ribs. “I just can’t believe it, Nicolai. I’ve been putting my heart into all this because it is my heart. It has everything to do with my heart, but it isn’t enough. That’s what I feel like, what I’ve been thinking about in here staring up at the damn ceiling. I’m a failure. I can’t help the thoughts. It’s about more than just this one decision for me because I’ve put my whole heart into this. This was what I was brought here to do and they’re not even letting me do it!”
Nic shot to his feet and and wound his hands around my neck, clasping me by the nape to make me look him in the eyes. “You are doing it. You do it everyday. Every touch. Every glance. You’re saving us. It’s not always about saving us from an actual threat, but what about the little things that sneak up on you? What about the things we’re faced with inside every day? With you here, in front of me, I don’t feel the loneliness like I did. And trust me, Ri, loneliness when you’re a vampire can feel like an endless chasm with no stopping point. We have something to look forward to now, to work for. We have a reason, just as I’ve heard you say before. We’re your reason, and you’re our reason. You may not be saving us how you intended to, how you feel you have to, but I promise you that you are saving us in every other way imaginable.”
My heart caught in my throat. His words were pretty, they made my heart squeeze, but it wasn’t just that. It was the look in his eyes. His eyes that were so dark, so complicated at times, they were like windows now. Nicolai was letting me in, letting me see every dark piece inside him, but more than that, he was letting me see every light piece inside of him too.
“You know I’m right.”
I stepped close, landing on his feet, and lifting to my tiptoes to kiss his lips. We were just two people standing in the middle of the bed in the middle of a room in the center of a building, but it was so much more than that to me.
“So, you agree?” he asked, his voice heady. “With everything I said?”
“Mmm,” I answered, pulling him down to me again and sealing my lips to his for an even longer kiss. To be able to bring light to someone like Nicolai was a personal triumph. He was untamed, the ‘bad boy’ some might call him, but he wasn’t that to me. Misunderstood, unruly, but overwhelmingly gentle despite his exterior. He yearned for connection more than he would ever let on. It was only me, and the rest of the princes, who could see through him. He might need me more than the rest of them no matter what his looks said on the outside.
I urged his mouth open and slipped my tongue inside. He made a noise in the back of his throat that sent a wave of goosebumps down me. His knees buckled, but he hoisted me up around his hips and then laid me back on the bed. I held on for dear life as he lowered himself on top of me. Nipping my lips, he said, “I like where this is going.”
I reached for the hem of his shirt and tugged at it. Light danced behind his eyes, making me smile.
He pulled his shirt the rest of the way off, lowering himself back down on top of me
so we lined up in all the right ways. He nudged my chin back with his head and kissed a trail down my neck. My fingers clutched at the sheets as I remembered the way it felt when he’d sunk his fangs into me before. He growled again, this time more sinister. “Don’t think about that. They’ll never let us be alone together again. Besides, there’s more we can do.” He moved away, slipping my shirt off just as easily as his own. His lips hummed over my skin as he followed the centerline down my chest to my navel. When he got to the space between my legs, he unbuttoned my pants and pulled them off as he made his way further down. Soon, I was just in my bra and panties, my throat suddenly dry.
I stared up at him. His smooth skin felt like marble as I ran my fingers over the hard planes. The more I touched and explored, the darker his complexion got. I shook my head. “Don’t hold back, Nic. Not with me.”
He shot forward, his lips claiming mine and it became a war of lips and tongues and nipping to see who could make who groan and moan more. I helped him out of his pants and boxers, throwing them to the side of the bed somewhere. My panties were next until he was stretched out, hard and thick, on my thigh. I moved closer to him, urging him on. What he’d said to me was true. I was all that to them like they were all that to me and then some. I guessed sometimes I forgot that it wasn’t all about their physical safety. They wanted, and needed, love just as much as I did. They brought me into this world as a guard because that was the only way I could be close to them. It was me who’d taken that and ran with it. Used my background to fuel the desire inside me to help and make sure others were treated fairly when they didn’t have the voice or the means to speak up for themselves.
I cupped Nic’s face in my palm. “Are you upset that I took to being a guard so well? Would you rather I have just gone through the motions until you could figure out another way for me to be with you guys?”
He blinked, his dark eyes becoming more clouded. “Never. That would be like saying I don’t want you to be you, and I always want you to be you. I knew you would be stubborn, and a fighter. I love that we connect with the same interests. I loved you before, but your determination and strength makes me want to be better. You inspire me, Ri.”